It’s hard to come back down to the reality after living a fantasy for so many days. I had three wonderful days away from real life demands with The Wanderer, and immediately upon my return I am bombarded with people wanting me to make plans and to see me.
I want to see no one. I want to float back into real life in silent solitude at my own pace, with a hot bath and book – is it possible to wash the sins of the city when it’s been so deeply penetrated into me? I want to let the memories of the past few days drift lazily in my thoughts and just watch them like slowly swept away clouds.
I do not want to drown in the noise and clamor of men grabbing for my attention, questions and demands of me to be in charge, to make decisions, to decide if I should be serious with any one of them, with all of them, how the dynamic will be, where to eat, what to do, how to play, when to engage.
I want to surrender the decisions to someone easy going, that just seems natural, not forced, contrived.
Does he feel the same way?
That thought darkens my thoughts the more the other men clamor for my attention.
Does he feel that it is easy, our relationship?
Is he content in our dynamic?
He is a sadist, and I am not a masochist. We played at more orgasms and sensations – is he okay with that type of play that we did? It was more my pace, my agenda – and like the men who makes demands for their own gains rather than respect what I need from them, does he feel that I push for my own agenda and he isn’t getting what he wants out of our time together?
Truly, I hope not. I am a wimp, but I try to take impact. I communicate my wants and desires, but left the planning to him – was that too demanding? Did he switch gears and just gift me with pleasure after pleasure when he sought escape through pain play? Did I help him escape the demands of his own life or simply add more demands of my own?
Perhaps with the intrusion of reality from other men that I am not ready to face (though soon I will be), a drop from the experiences of the days’ past is colliding too abruptly with the present reality. Mimir taught me about that – about how shocking it can be at times and to breathe and relax and appreciate.
I appreciated the time, and I do believe that The Wanderer did as well. I am not his perfect choice as a play partner – I am simply not cool enough to stand strong with his favorite type of play and deal with the sting, but I am a damn good partner anyhow. I know this, and yet…and yet, I don’t want to let him down, and the further into driving away and towards reality, the more the clouds drift and I become more level headed, the more the doubts weigh heavy on my thoughts.