I wrote a post back in February on trying anal sex for the first time with my husband – who had just left me weeks prior. I stated I felt that it needed a trigger warning, but I wasn’t sure why.
And then I sat on the post for four months because he didn’t want me to post it, was outright upset with it, and I thought (and still think) it’s because it showed he cheated on his monogamous girlfriend with his wife.
I posted it when he did some asshole things to me and why should I care and protect him? Also, because the bad decisions of that weekend still nagged at me, and I felt that I didn’t read enough real stories of desperate people trying to hold onto a relationship with terrible decisions (like how I was the other woman and trying all sorts of new things with my ex).
It shocked me to see the consent issue come up, because I hadn’t thought of it, but once I read the comment, that was exactly why I felt like it needed a trigger warning. (It’s hard to believe I didn’t think of it, now, when my writing definitely looks like non consent.)
And then his girlfriend felt the urge to defend him and question me in the commentary, and while she didn’t state it was her, I knew it was and confirmed it with him. (She interacted several times with me but I didn’t keep the entirety of the interactions because I feel it is inappropriate that she addressed me at all – I never once addressed her on anything.)
“You made it seem like rape,” he declared, upset, defending her action.
“It felt like it was at the moment,” I shot back, and then realized…yes, it did.
It was not the consensual non consent scene, hell, it wasn’t even edge play by either of our standards. When he proposed anal sex before he came that weekend, I told him probably not, but that I would think on it. That morning I told him I wasn’t interested in it. And then he pushed for it during a head space a bit foggy with orgasms. And while I said maybe, I did not say yes. And when he pushed for it, I told him no. And when I asked him to stop, he blood-chocked me unconscious.
The fallout led me to crying hysterically for hours and finally crying myself to sleep. It led to him yelling at me to get a grip on myself and my emotions. It led to me not being to articulate what bothered me so badly about the experience. It left me seriously depressed (or maybe that was being divorced, ditched, all the way across the country from my support system?).
And it wasn’t until the comment that consent wasn’t given that I realized why this moment devastated me so fully.
But let me perfectly clear – I am not calling this rape.
Maybe this is where the shades of gray and debate can come out.
I am only saying that it felt like rape; and this is the first and only time I have felt like that.
First and foremost, while my safeword did not occur to me, I did have one. My ex truly expected me to use it.
We have talked about this sensitive topic since then; I truly do not believe that he meant for the experience to feel the way that it did. I believe that he expected me to safeword if I felt that strongly about “no” after talking to him months later. And I truly did not even think about using a safeword, felt like my “no” and “stop” were enough; after all – just the day prior we discussed needing the safeword before a scene. I didn’t use a safeword with him just having sex with him – never felt that was needed.
Perhaps this is a horrible complication with using safewords, when stop and no don’t always mean stop and no.
I still take responsibility.
I am still his friend, and still hope to be so. I hope he doesn’t take offense, as I mean none, in reflecting on anal this week.
And I still feel that the scene needs a trigger warning – if nothing else for me – I can’t even reread it and haven’t since I wrote it (other than the third italic sentence I added in the beginning to clarify a comment). Hell, even reflecting on it, I feel sick.