Sep 272016
 

On my About M page, I mention that my husband and I are no longer reconciling. I also mentioned that in the past:

While I was single after being married for so long, I had a regular boyfriend in an open relationship; a friend who tied me more than others who graciously took some photos that I will share; a play partner and friend who travels a lot; and I discovered my inner slut wasn’t quite as happy as I wanted with random hook ups.

First and foremost, I would have lost my mind during the divorce if it weren’t for my dearest friend, JMG. And then I had other fantastic friends who saw me a mess and loved me anyways, many of them from the rope community that I sadly moved away from. I’ve also made some great friends in my new town. And of course, I had all of you, loveliest of readers. Your comments encouraged me to journal and shift  through and write from a very vulnerable place. Some of you I didn’t even realize read my outpouring of heartache, for example I saw Graydancer, a man I greatly admire and who inspired my journey into rope, and he shared how admirable it was that I was writing so honestly. To be personally told that, and then given a hug, meant more than perhaps he could understand (especially when that weekend I was with my ex and it was a miserable and tearing me down experience).

The constant back and forth from my ex has left me emotionally drained. I am grateful that this time it ended peacefully between the two of us. But still, divorce and letting go of a dream alongside of someone is never easy.

So now? I still need many people to fill roles in my life.

And yet…For the most part, I am withdrawing from kink because I truly am busy with my family and work; I also really want a regular partner to go to events with – at least if I’m engaging in kink outside of rope. I’m also withdrawing from my friends, I have some vanilla friends in my hometown but I’m finding that time has created distance from us. I suck at long distance friendships, so my close knit friends who would understand and support me I am just not reaching out to. Unhealthy, I know. JMG is the only steadfast in my life, despite distance, and we are never separated for too long. She can also translate my life into a language that I recognize – a task not easy at times as I tend to not see every viewpoint despite trying my best when I am emotional.

I have a friend with benefits, and while he is crazy in love with me, I know that he would not be content in a life that I want (which is too bad, we’re ridiculously compatible otherwise). So I will commit no further.

See? I’m learning.

I’m learning I’m not ready for a committed or serious relationship yet, I’m learning to love and accept myself. I’m learning to navigate and shift through what I truly want from a relationship(s) with another.

The answer is complex as I understand it so far.

I don’t want traditional monogamy. I could commit to it with my ex our last go round, but I don’t seek it in a new relationship.

I want a submissive…I think. Tech Talk planted that thought in my head, even though he really wanted to learn to top, he appeared very submissive to me and I enjoyed giving him tasks and truly discovered my sadistic side since he handled pain so beautifully. I haven’t explored this, and it wouldn’t be a role I would want full time, but he was so much fun playing with that I would love to find that dynamic again.

A definite power dynamic relationship I dearly want is to be dominated (not necessarily needed or even wanted as a full time, either, but when we are together, that would be nice). My ex would fulfill that role, but switching made it a harder role to submit with. Mimir was beautiful at dominating me, though I am unsure that I submitted to him – that wasn’t necessarily our power dynamic. But Mimir and I had such a gorgeous power dynamic – finding that again would make me very content.

As it stands now, there is only one man that I view as having a relationship with ( if it could be called that) and wanting our relationship to stay – even if I find new relationships, and that is The Wanderer. Though I haven’t seen him, predictably, in a long time and it seems to be longer still until we meet again – we don’t even know when that will be. He could dominate me – known because we have danced around the edges of that already. I want that dynamic with him, and to travel with him in my spare time, snuggle against him at night, please him with my mouth and have him gift me with pleasure and pain. We have intimacy and friendship that could develop into something so wonderful. Right now I need him in my emotional state (and that truly speaks volumes about his role in my life), but I know that I can never be the priority and that he cannot always be there – a state that I fully understand and embrace the relationship anyhow.

It also spotlights that I need to find a local partner to fulfill that role. I don’t have any local people to fill that role, and everyone that I do know, with the exception of one, I don’t desire in that way. The one particular man that does come to mind is because his scenes are crafted beautifully and there is zero doubt that he is in control of every moment with me, though he hasn’t left me yet in the high subspace that I crave (I know he could though). Not to mention that I find him attractive. He is polyamorous and lives a couple of hours from me, which honestly makes a relationship with him appealing – close enough for contact, far enough away to give me the space I need to breathe and discover who I am on my own.

And I would love to date someone locally, maybe continue having a friend with benefits situation. Or maybe a relationship that is open. But perhaps I am not ready for something so close, as I could see myself clinging to a relationship as a way to ward off my fear of being lonely.

Regardless, I am just not ready to settle down, and I’m not willing to compromise on relationships right now.

I need to figure out my needs and wants, I need to actually love and accept me, and I need to learn from my past mistakes.

I’ve made a lot of them.

Wicked Wednesday

Sep 252016
 

Masturbation Monday Week 108I use my phone for masturbation, a lot. As a matter of fact, if I am masturbating, odds are my phone is on and either in my hand or upright from a pillow nearby.

If my masturbation is truly a solo act, it’s from something I see on tumblr. And I am on tumblr almost every single night before I go to sleep (here’s a hot one I just recently found), so I see a lot of images. Considering I rarely masturbate as a solo act, the images that get me the most nowadays are cunnilingus and consensual non consent. As much as I love fellatio, I dislike most images – I like the feel, taste, and performing the act – I dislike most visuals I see because they seem to be from a male self-centered viewpoint (and maybe rightfully so).

But more so for masturbation: my phone has been used with my ex husband. Any time we were separated by distance (not an uncommon occurrence) we used our phones to send sexy texts and videos, had phone sex, and even video sessions together.

Some texts that were masturbation worthy:

We have done a lot and I intend to keep pushing your boundaries. I want to grab you by the neck, throw you on the bed, and have my way with you. I want to fuck you so hard. No ropes will be needed, I will tie you up with my words. I am intrigued by this whole deep throat thing right now, I am to the point I have thought about asking to push harder. [2014]

Thinking of you as I go to bed (posted a photo). I am thinking that when I first see you again of doing something simple like the fuck me rope. It is quick and easy and very effective. You will be bound and fucked in just a blink of an eye. Tied and slammed down on the bed, wrapped up, and fucked hard. [2015] – Sexting Searching

It was a way to maintain power dynamics, one particular time we were on video with each other because I failed at a task:

He wasn’t messing around with the whole punishment concept either, as the next order was to play with myself – already not an easy task with an audience. He was specific with giving him a teasing view of my breasts as I caressed them still wearing the silky lingerie, of lifting the bottom of the fabric with one hand as my other hand’s fingers teased and felt my wetness despite my embarrassment. “Insert one finger,” he would occasionally stroke himself so I was aware of his reaction to his show, “add another one.” I was a puppet, his to command. “Go deeper.” “Watch my fingers,” and he would curl and stroke the air the way he wanted my fingers to move deep in my own body. The man sure did know how I liked to be fingered, and I begged to cum, though he stopped me before I reached climax. – My Punishment 

My phone, while not used for masturbation with another beyond my ex, also keeps me connected and close to my lovers (and even oddly many of my one night stands).

The Wanderer and I, for example, rarely see each other. We would have absolutely zero of a relationship by this point if it wasn’t for keeping in constant, though by no means daily, communication by texts. We’ve only actually reached out and called a few times, but our schedules make that a challenge. Our relationship by phone isn’t one of sexting (though of course a certain appreciation of skills is discussed) but more of friends. We are of a deeper level of connection than just physical, though distance and other priorities keeps that connection almost a stalemate currently.

Cell phones have always been a wonderful addition to my relationships.Masturbation Monday badge - small

Sep 222016
 

Questions found from Insatiable Desire:

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

The one that immediately came to mind is the one that I’ve already written about:

“And then the music in the room played Taylor Swift’s song, “Shake it off”. My eyes opened and I looked at the scene before me, the people around me. No one seemed to be smiling or concerned that such an upbeat song was playing in the background. So I tried to ignore it.

As my lover kneeled in front of me, I found myself bobbing my head to the refrain. I couldn’t help myself, it’s so catchy.”Shake It Off

Dancing, being a brat, and having my ex husband fight to remain serious (he couldn’t do it) was so much fun. Others laughed about it as well. And then the wrestling while tied up in rope and hanging upside down was also pretty humorous to me:

“Are you choking me?” he asked incredulous.

“No, it’s just a hug…around your neck,” I corrected him, and felt the last of my energy waning. He laughed.”

Sis A always has some fail sex stories that I chuckle at, for instance when she role played (something she doesn’t do) a school girl:

“He came over to take me in his arms and I made some coy remark about “Oh Mr. So-and-So! What are you doing!?” because it was his fantasy and he was breaking the rules.

It was bad… The only thing missing was the dramatic hand placed against my forehead and the fluttering of my lashes. He laughed. A lot. I laughed. Role playing just wasn’t something I was ever going to be good at, but laughter during sex I can handle.”A’s Acting

My favorite of A’s is the time her puppy decided to be playful right in the middle of sex (perhaps more so because I know her puppy):

“Suddenly I felt something grab my foot. I thought it was weird the blankets had gotten tangled up like that, shook it off, and didn’t think twice about it. A second or so and suddenly my foot was grabbed again, this time accompanied by the shortest of sounds I instantly recognize…

“Grr”. I shook my foot again. This time I didn’t dislodge the trouble making, furry leach. In fact, I seemed to only encourage it. ” Grrrrrrrrr”

Shake shake.

“GRRRRRRRRRR, ANGANGGAGANG”

“GRRRRR” (insert puppy death shake)

My dog had decided that we were playing monster under the blankets, and this was the best play session she’d had in ages. There was no hope he wouldn’t notice. She was loud, and vicious. I had made the absolute worst decision in trying to shake her off, it only encouraged her.

I’m famous for keeping my head cool in the face of mortification. Especially during sex. That entire last statement is a bald faced lie.

I started laughing nervously, he started laughing, my puppy got into attacking my foot more… “GRRRRRRRRRR!”

I couldn’t take it, with no other recourse available, I took my only option. “GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, THUMP!”

I took my foot and nudged my dog right off the bed. The sudden cessation of growling followed by the loud thump, was too much. It was just too much. We laughed until tears came to our eyes.”Interrupted

Sep 202016
 
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How visible were we to the darkness? We were under a spotlight but was there an audience?

This was not how I had envisioned the outdoor backyard sex that he suggested; I thought of us fucking against the fence in the early morning hours, when few people are out and were less likely to see us. In the current blackness of the night, there probably weren’t any people out walking the trail, but I wouldn’t know – and with the backyard lit up so well, and that portion of the fence at a higher platform, we would be a huge beacon on a stage that people would be able to see.

And then he stopped me on the first stair, bent me over, slowly exposed my pinkened wet need. My hands reached for a higher step for balance, especially inebriated. With my feet spread on the first step, I was tall enough for him to enter comfortably and he did…right under a light.

The light not only spotlighted our naked bodies, it further projected our shadowy forms across the ground as a strange kaleidoscope collection of evidence to our public indecency. Even the water droplets looked like sparkling sequins to me that further highlighted my naked, trembling form exhibited and laid bare.

And yet as his head split my lips and stretched inside of me, my brain switched the focus to how he felt inside of me, his hands keeping us balanced and connected at the hips, the wind whipping around my wet skin and causing goosebumps to rise in sharp contrast to how hot the moment felt.

I closed my eyes and no longer saw the shadows or the light, no longer cared what visual we offered to the darkened world, only what pleasure he offered to me.

Again, a frustrated echo of the hot tub moments before, right before I found my pleasure he withdrew and denied me a finish – this was just a brief interlude.  My bent over bottom was slapped to propel me up towards that low fence that was our end goal. His body pressed against mine, propelling us towards the edge of his property that a hiking trail led people alongside so close, a trail further shrouded in darkness and shadows from our lighted perch.

The wind blew even harder by the fence with less protection to block it, and he pushed my legs against it – the only part shielded from view as the barrier came waist high. He entered me from behind, his warm body pressed against my back, my breasts froze in the night temperature and wind, my face exposed to the darkness for anyone who wished to view it.

It was a face that was awash in orgasm after orgasm, barely aware that the darkness and the light exposed every expression and moan of pleasure. I heard only the wind howling, the crickets chirping, and his groan as he came deep inside of my body amid my own tightening of a climax.

Wicked Wednesday

Sep 182016
 

img_2927Mr Texas didn’t want me going out to another event. It would have been the third day in a row, and he didn’t have his kids for the week, so he wanted time with me. I suggested we go to a kink event together, he asked that we come up with a list non kink related.

“Fine, I come up with one, you come up with one, and we make a list that we try to accomplish the remainder of the days until the kids come home.” He suggested a movie, which I immediately shot down. “Watching a movie isn’t really spending time together, I would rather go off and do something else. Think of spending time together since that what you said you wanted.”

I suggested a board game that I introduced him to, that we’re pretty even on winning. He was good with that.

He suggested cooking something together in the kitchen. I envisioned dancing to music and kisses in between. I agreed to that.

I needed pictures taken for Sinful Sunday, that required his help. He agreed to it.

He suggested hot tub sex again, then sex against a low part of his fence where there’s a trail that people walk, so a chance someone might see us. That was one I had to mull over, but decided there might be a time or a situation that I might agree to. I don’t ever wish to be seen, and public sex is unappealing to me.

…Board game in with laughter and teasing, far too many drinks and not a real dinner since we opted for chips while inebriated. We played until the board became a bit too confusing to our soggy brains, opted for the hot tub. The hot tub and a drink had always been our fall back – since date two, and it was something we both thoroughly enjoyed.

As I walked down the steps into the steamy water, his hands gripped my shoulders and pulled my body against his body immediately, his chest hairs tickling my cleavage as the water slid between our skin. He pushed my back and shoulders against the side wall, the step to sit on buckling my knees, parted my legs with his hips where they naturally wanted to wrap around anyhow, and slid right in. My body was ready for him, the warm water no deterrent as wet as I was, and the heels of my feet hooked around his waist to keep the contact as he thrusted up. My shoulders hit the side of the wall and prevented that aggressive action from launching me out in the cold night air. I gripped his shoulders and impaled myself further down his hardened length, he hit the back of my wall and I welcomed the pain as the water swirled around our bodies. The head of his cock rubbed at a delicious place at the unusual angle the water afforded us, but after some minutes, he pulled out.

I couldn’t contain a sound of complaint and my surprise at the unexpected action, my body so tense from anticipating an orgasm.

“Let’s go,” he said, pointed towards the fence very visible with the outdoor lights that he has on in his backyard.

I gulped, hesitated. I had envisioned us fucking against the fence in the early morning hours, when few people are out and were less likely to see us. In the blackness of the night, there probably weren’t any people out walking the trail, but I wouldn’t know – and with the backyard lit up so well, and that portion of the fence at a higher platform, we would be a huge beacon on a stage that people would be able to see.

I didn’t move so with a hand on my ass he boosted me up a step out of the protection of the water, and my feet shuffled towards the stairs to reach the entertainment area of his gorgeous back yard…and that low fence. He stopped me on the first stair, a hand on my shoulder and another on my hip, and bent me slowly over so my hands reached a higher step. With my feet on the first step, I was tall enough for him to enter bent over and he did…right under a light.

Masturbation Monday badge - smallHow visible were we to the darkness? We were under a spotlight but was there an audience?

To continue this story, click here. 

 

Sep 142016
 

Wicked Wednesday
*Written months ago when I first signed up for online dating. I am not the position, nor do I even want, to continue online dating avenues. I need to date and fall in love with myself first before I take on the falseness I was faced with online.

I took a class once on management and the presenter said that the people that I am in charge of will know my matters of the heart, and that the getting-to-know-you-stage doesn’t have to happen on the first day, that it will happen regardless.

I am new to dating, and online dating is incredibly unknown. I am impatient with the whole process.

64467907_176a58a282A lunch date had asked:

What are your favorite movies?

TV shows?

Food?

Hobbies?

How many kids do you have? Their ages, genders?

What do you like to do?

I ask:

What are you looking for?

What are you expectations?

How open minded are you?

What is your relationship like now with your the mother of your kids?

Dating is like trying different pieces of a puzzle and hoping one will fit. It is also, sometimes, surrounding yourself with pieces that support you when there is an empty space beside you.

Sep 132016
 

1. I must travel before I die.

2. You can’t stop the future, or the present, or even change the past.

3. I wish I never had to buy bras and swimsuits again.

4. My ex husband and children have helped me change my life (and for the better).

5. I know the song Stairway to Heaven (and many more songs, especially musicals) by heart.

6. If I weren’t so afraid, I would do as I damn well please; and also try to publish something in a book, but I’m terrified of rejection.

Bonus:  My weekend was busy but amazing, tonight I’m looking forward to my delicious cupcake, tomorrow my plans include working 11 hours – yuck! and next weekend, I want to I’d love to get laid and have so many orgasms, but I’ll settle for a quiet weekend!

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Sep 112016
 

Masturbation Monday badge - small

*Time to get back to my adventures with The Wanderer, as this scene continues from several days’ spent with him.

The Wanderer ordered my arms behind my back in between two spankings and when I let instinct guide me the wrong way and held him, thus moving my arms; he took me from one couch to another in the hotel suite as a consequence.

After a punishment of the belt, in which I was unsure if I liked it, I assumed the position of arms behind my back. He tweaked my nipples a bit and then ordered me to bring him rope and the crop. It would be our first time using both this trip and I was excited about the rope, nervous about the crop.

It was not my first time being told to deliver him something, and I had the internal debate again of: do I present both? How? I’ve seen tumblr things where the person offers them with wrists exposed and palms open around the perfectly balanced items like some sacrificial lamb offering up the carving knife.

That didn’t sound like me – at all.

So again, I just kind of gestured the things at him and he took them. Perhaps like I am doing with Mr. Texas, so too is The Wanderer doing with me: training a new partner in likes and dislikes.

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My wrists tied down towards the back of the chair legs isn’t visible in this picture, but this was his view before impact

Next, he ordered me to kneel on a chair in the bedroom with my arms over the back of it. It was quite comfortable to be in this position for a long period of time, my knees sinking into softness and having the additional support of the soft sides of the plush chair to support my legs staying open – something  he took full advantage of. It was also a position that kept me from squirming too much later on.

He tied my wrists to the back of the legs to hold me even more securely, and then the crop caressed my back and butt, at first seemed to gently kiss both cheeks, and then flicked, before reigning down tiny burning flames…again with the sting (something that I’m utterly wimpy at and don’t appreciate much). My poor bottom.

His hand spanked where the crop had been, a large hand that covered so much of my cheeks, alternated biting rhythms and force. A paddle followed, sounding just as impressive as the impact felt, added to the burn of my skin and the tension building in my body, and then back to his hand, which sometimes the other hand would explore my wet crevice and relieve that tension brought on by pain by briefly bringing me to an orgasm, or to multiple orgasms, in between or even during the smacks, before rebuilding the tension all over again from pain. I was unaware I was pulling furtively on my bindings until one wrist felt the burn of fibers, the rope not relenting.

When he finally released me to hold me, my legs were noticeably shaking, my bottom was inflamed red, my wrists were raw, my thighs were drenched, and I was so blissfully happy.

Luckily, the chair was next to the bed where he comfortably held me in his secure arms while I relaxed fully after the experience and realized how tired the events of the day with him had made me (fortunately, it was time for us both to rest for the night).