Jan 172017
 

It’s hard to come back down to the reality after living a fantasy for so many days. I had three wonderful days away from real life demands with The Wanderer, and immediately upon my return I am bombarded with people wanting me to make plans and to see me.

I want to see no one. I want to float back into real life in silent solitude at my own pace, with a hot bath and book – is it possible to wash the sins of the city when it’s been so deeply penetrated into me? I want to let the memories of the past few days drift lazily in my thoughts and just watch them like slowly swept away clouds.

I do not want to drown in the noise and clamor of men grabbing for my attention, questions and demands of me to be in charge, to make decisions, to decide if I should be serious with any one of them, with all of them, how the dynamic will be, where to eat, what to do, how to play, when to engage.

I want to surrender the decisions to someone easy going, that just seems natural, not forced, contrived.

Does he feel the same way?

That thought darkens my thoughts the more the other men clamor for my attention.

Does he feel that it is easy, our relationship?

Is he content in our dynamic?

He is a sadist, and I am not a masochist. We played at more orgasms and sensations – is he okay with that type of play that we did? It was more my pace, my agenda – and like the men who makes demands for their own gains rather than respect what I need from them, does he feel that I push for my own agenda and he isn’t getting what he wants out of our time together?

Truly, I hope not. I am a wimp, but I try to take impact. I communicate my wants and desires, but left the planning to him – was that too demanding? Did he switch gears and just gift me with pleasure after pleasure when he sought escape through pain play? Did I help him escape the demands of his own life or simply add more demands of my own?

Perhaps with the intrusion of reality from other men that I am not ready to face (though soon I will be), a drop from the experiences of the days’ past is colliding too abruptly with the present reality. Mimir taught me about that – about how shocking it can be at times and to breathe and relax and appreciate.

I appreciated the time, and I do believe that The Wanderer did as well. I am not his perfect choice as a play partner – I am simply not cool enough to stand strong with his favorite type of play and deal with the sting, but I am a damn good partner anyhow. I know this, and yet…and yet, I don’t want to let him down, and the further into driving away and towards reality, the more the clouds drift and I become more level headed, the more the doubts weigh heavy on my thoughts.

I need a bath and book.
*Written over the summer

Jan 152017
 

I find myself now fighting hard to not be a recluse after this last year – I no longer have motivation to go to most things. Yet, kink is near and dear to my heart, so is socializing. I need to pursue my passions again. An event I couldn’t see myself missing was a GRUE (Graydancer’s Ropetastic Unconference Extraganza).

Mr Texas almost went, for at least half the day (kid commitment), but I told him it was going to my agenda and I didn’t him following me along the whole time like a lost puppy. He stated he wanted to learn what my kinks and interests were, therefore justifying in advance that he would be with me the whole time. He ended up not going for other reasons. I truly think if he would have went, he would have learned a whole lot…regardless of whether he was there or not – that’s the wonder of being in a GRUE.

So there I was alone. The GRUE is almost perfect for being alone, for pursuing an individual’s agenda/interest/curiosity/seeing-something-offered-you-never-even-thought-of. Everyone is so welcoming and friendly if approached that I was confident if I needed a partner, I would be able to find one – though I wasn’t really planning on needing one. One thing I’ve noticed is that I don’t enjoy rope as much as I used to – perhaps deserving of its own post.

The night before, I was exhausted from travel and holiday time, from moving furniture for three days straight to Mr. Texas house, so I decided to sleep rather than make the meet and greet dinner.

Fighting lovely Los Angeles traffic and rain on top of that, I located the event and stepped inside.

I didn’t really know anyone, not that that fact surprised me, and I sat in the first row. A man struck up a conversation, respectfully questioning my experiences with GRUEs, and we discussed the kink communities in our more local areas. I saw the blank agenda board, listened to Graydancer (a person I at least somewhat know), and then watched the board fill up with classes.

I love the structure of GRUEs. How people write their passions regardless of experience and then pursue curiosities and other passions throughout the day. I love that these things will never be alike for that reason, that I can get up and go wander from one class to another without fear of offending.

I did give a big hug to Graydancer to start my day off right. Then took off for a class on orgasm control – one of my favorite kinks. Everyone was sharing in the dialogue of the discussion – not an uncommon thing at all for these events, and I realized that I was incredibly lucky to orgasm as frequently and easily as I do. I also felt torn about being there, as there was another class happening at the same time that I wanted to do as well.

So off I wandered after a bit to the Morning Wake Up and Energize class and did some mediation and stretches outside where fortunately the rain had cleared up. This is how I should always start my day though I rarely do.

Then I attended a class where they were discussing and teaching about body manipulation. These classes are more directed rather than direct instruction, and so many people came together and collaborated on so many different ways to move a person. I had some good ideas, though many required one partner to be stronger than another.

Lunch was served, tacos and a pleasant conversation with a gorgeous Asian woman who was into fire play – both as performance and kink.

I wandered from class to class and found myself really engaged in a large discussion identifying as a switch. It left many questions that deserve its own post (notice a trend? There’s so much to talk about!).

I watched about cutting off clothes – he even had two women try different types of clothes (like bras vs no bras) and I have a few ideas. It was very hot, and he was so enthusiastic and passionate about it. Sadistic rope was presented by someone I was vastly entertained by at Ropecraft, and I had been tied in many of the things that were shared, cringing in remembrance and laughing at other’s reactions. Pole dancing techniques were being shared and I am always in awe of the strength and conditioning, not to mention the bruises and challenges that go into maneuvering around the pole (I took a few classes, and it really hurt the skin).

The fire class was the last class and one that I had been looking forward to since lunch conversation. The woman I spoke to was co-presenting, and she began by discussing fire safety and put out the fire a few times with her mouth. The man presented different ways to share fire with a partner, another woman being the demonstration bottom. She was bare, but still I cringed at the one point when he took a fire wand right to her pubic bone.

There was still a bit of time and no class afterwards from the fire, so after the presentation by the two, he asked if anyone wanted to try either the top or the bottom side. I asked if I could experience it as a bottom.

Negotiations were no pubic area as I had hair there. He asked if I was fully comfortable getting naked on stage, which I was. As I laid on my stomach, he took the fire wand and blew the heat and flame across my body; during the demonstration I thought that this looks so sensual and sexy, and it felt amazing – a slight fanning of heat. Then he took a paint brush with alcohol and painted patterns on my skin before setting it on fire, brushing his hand to put it out; I liked the sensations of the heat followed by the caress of a hand. Next, he sprayed his hand and spanked my skin with his fire hand; honestly I couldn’t feel much of a difference from a regular spanking, though I definitely did when he reversed it and sprayed my skin to set it on fire and spanked it out. My most sensitive places with fire play were the back of my thighs and my lower back – the same with wax play from candles.

At his instruction, I rolled over and he painted in the valley between my breasts to set that on fire. He suggested that seeing it was far different than just feeling it, so my head was raised to view my own skin being set to flame, the blue and slightly yellow tinge flame being swallowed by his large hand. He followed the curves along the bottom of my breasts and then those heated up.

He asked about nipple sensitivity and permission to show me, then lit those on fire. It felt hotter – painful like my lower back though also sparked pleasurable sensations – my nipples do appreciate a bit of pain.

When we were done and as I was getting dressed, closing circle was called. This is the “aftercare of the the GRUE” where people expressed their thoughts of the day, a way to decompress before being sent out into the world in search of dinner.

An excellent experience, and one that has at least inspired me to pursue new kinks and write about some old favorites.
Wicked Wednesday

Jan 132017
 

An item on my 101 things list, an ABC and 123 of me:

A – affectionate, amorphous, amateur

B – beguiled, bittersweet, blogger, brazen

C – creative, careless, civil

D – damaged, decisive, deflated, devilish, disheveled, dirty, disgruntled, dreamer

E – energetic, emotional, eager, educated, excited

F – fanciful, fair, fearful, firstborn, flexible, focused

G – gutsy, grieving, gluttonous, gracious, gloomy, generous, gentle

H – handful, halting, hardworking, haphazard, headstrong

I – impulsive, independent, irritable, immoral, intimate, intense, injured, idealistic

J – just, jaded, jubiliant

K – kind, kinky, knowledgeable

L – lover, lecherous, labelled, layered, little

M – muted, maternal, merciful, minx, maddening

N – naughty and nice, neglectful, nagging, naive, nerdy, needy

O – open-minded, opinionated, offbeat

P – playful, passionate, patronizing, pale, petulant

Q – quaint, qualified, quick, quirky

R – reactive, radiant, ready, real, reckless, readable

S – spontaneous, silly, sexual, sheepish, slippery

T – taboo, trying, tired, trustful, terrified, talkative

U – uncensored, unsteady

V –  visceral, voluptuous, vulnerable, vibrant, vocal

W – willful, weakened, wet, wild, wanderlust, warm, wanting

X – XXXVIII

Y – yielding, yearning, youthful

Z – zany, zippy

0 – grandparents still alive

1 – vehicle

2 – children

3 – other children that are like my own

4 – my favorite time to wake up

5 – random sex hook ups during slutfest

6 – my birth month

7 – about the time that I become absolutely worthless in energy

8 – the age when the sexual abuse stopped for me

9 – how many memes that I’ve participated in that have since retired

Jan 112017
 

Wicked WednesdayAnticipation is the biggest form of foreplay for me. Let me repeat that: the biggest form of foreplay. Making plans, picking out toys, seeing the look in his eyes, hearing the words…all those are anticipation moments. Taking a breath and holding it as I wait to see what he will do next as he pauses, even during the moment it’s foreplay.

So here are some moments I’ve written:

“For me, foreplay is even better if there is anticipation of what’s to occur; I don’t want to know the details, as a matter of fact, I orgasm harder if I don’t know the play-by-play, however I’m already worked up when he tells me that he has plans for me, that I need to prepare/rest/make the time for a long session.”My Best Orgasms

It began with a request for the misery stick and wax, after a long and trying period of not seeing each other. I had fantasized about him all day, touching myself periodically throughout the day in anticipation.”Melding Pleasure and Pain

“As tempting a sight as that is, get naked and lay on the bed,” he commanded, and she felt herself tightening in anticipation. She scurried to get up, in such a rush to discard her clothing that she cast them upon the little box.”The Darkness

“There was a lot of tension, as we stood there in there in the shower fully naked, facing each other. We had never been alone and naked for one. For another, we were moving a long term friendship into something more for truly the first time. I was the first to break eye contact and moved past him…”Moving Beyond Friendship

“My emotions spiraled out, sense was disoriented, expectation unreasonable, tangled hopes, exaggerated emotions. And then the moment came, and the world was still, and all of the many people surrounding me ceased to exist…”Welcome Home

And if I do know what to expect, sometimes that adds a whole different flavor of anticipation:

“Sometimes, it’s worse knowing what to expect. Our second time doing a scene together, the bruises on my thighs already healed a few weeks from the last time, and now I knew that in this scene they would bruise and tender to the touch again…I tensed in anticipation, my body fighting rather than surrendering to the sensations of his body weight pressing intentionally from behind the already rope-gripped top of my thighs. My back arched a bit more; I would have clung to the ground or clawed it if my hands weren’t tied behind my back. Previously, how had I dealt with this so easily to the point where I was barely aware?”Standing Expectation

And sometimes it’s a glorious mind game to work against my expectations:

“Sitting in front of him, exhausted and sweaty from the pain of our scene, I thought that he was going to untie the chest harness. He had already unbound my legs, ran his graceful hands over heated skin in the wake of the rope, so next up was my chest untied. Right?

Nope…

Even coming down from the spacey high of the scene, my unconscious background noise was beginning all over again, a realization made evident only when my wrong assumption was brought to light. Proven wrong, the wisps of vague notions of what I should be doing and how I’m doing stilled…

His fingers again went to the base of my skull, soothed at a slow pace, yet I still found myself tensing, waiting…hoping.”When I thought the Scene Was Done

I’ve even been inspired to write a whole thought process of anticipating in remembrance:

“Thoughts overtake me. Walking, attempting to sleep, sitting down, in the company of others when it’s not appropriate the thoughts rush my body. Wicked imaginings: I envision you. Heat, moans, a quickening of the breath, water pouring down us both. Guilty pleasures flash through my head, bad but oh so good. Whispers of limits, shattered lines, softly uttered curses, religious prayers, and begging of need. Feeling, taste, sight, overwhelming my body, forcing my breaths heavy, devastating my senses. Becoming an obsession, addiction, a drug I need inside my body. Oh the things I need to do to you:  I yearn to have my lips, my tongue, and my hands all over your body, my body gliding along yours. Memories flashing, burning through my head, coursing down my body.  A tightening of where I crave you most. Stop, but to no avail; I bite my lip.  So amazing, overpowering, consuming, fulfilling. Each thought of you my body begs for your touch, careless that it can’t partake. Tender from bittersweet pleasures, a physical reminder of what was. Erotic. Pulsating. Throbbing, hot, wet. Oh God, just once more, one chance encounter, one moment, but it won’t be enough, just a slight cooling and releasing until the next buildup. I’ve had a taste, I desire more. A memory to savor, torture on cold nights. I can already hear my moans for more, sense my body arching towards yours. Anticipation. Waiting. Aching for the moment. I think of you and my blood pounds, excitement mounting. I can feel your deep breathing next to my ear; eyes conveying longing, your desire pressing hard and ready against my skin. Your lips gently pulling on mine. Our bodies entwined, unable to deny urges. Can’t get enough; you’ve taken over my thoughts, my body now powerless to our yearnings. We shouldn’t, so good, stop, please I need you. I can’t alleviate it, I won’t resist, no longer want to. Make me feel the things I crave. I can almost savor you in my mouth, your hands gently in my hair, compelling me on. Smell you on my skin, a stimulating, impetuous scent. Feel you in my body, overwhelming, pushing, engulfing. When I was mindless with heady passion, not yet you said softly then, the words no truer than now. But like then, it’s only a matter of time. Bad thoughts…guilty pleasures.” – Guilty Pleasures

Jan 032017
 

happynewyear_gif

1. How is your year going?

My actual last year has been utter hell, the past three days of the year 2017 have been alright – mostly sleeping off time differences and jet lag. 
2. Did you go out on NYE or have a New Year’s day celebration?

Neither, though I guess you could consider I had a New Year’s day celebration. I grabbed all the kiddos in the family and gave them their Christmas presents and presents from my travels. Mr. Texas made a beautiful dinner and we had our first family holiday celebration. It was incredibly nice, even though I was exhausted from getting off a plane the night prior. 
3. Ahh yes, those pesky New Year’s Resolutions. How did you do with your 2016 NY resolutions–did you keep them?

Many of my 2016 goals were with my husband, who then divorced me at the start of the year. So no, I didn’t meet my goals but I’m uncaring of that. I don’t have any current goals – something that it is shocking if you know me at all. I suppose I should at least work on my 101 things
4. Year 2017, are you carrying over any resolutions from 2016? What?

My 101 things list is the only thing that I will carry over. However, hopefully I’ll feel more like myself and start making goals to accomplish again. 
5. What new experiences are you planning to have or hoping to have in 2017?

I am hoping to buy a house, apply for another Master’s Degree, go on a family vacation with Mr. Texas, go on a vacation with The Wanderer, survive the year, raise confident, independent, and healthy children. 

Bonus: Did you see fireworks on New Year’s eve? (Take that anyway you want :-p )

So many, at least in my mind. After not seeing Mr. Texas for weeks, he kept me awake and flying high on orgasms off and on for 18 hours. We really only slowed down when it was time for the family dinner and present time. 

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Jan 022017
 

“People are surprised you are able to keep on going at all, they compliment you all the time. They are surprised you haven’t crashed,” Mr. Texas commented, when I lamented that I haven’t been writing recently. I’ve barely been surviving on the domestic front either. Everything seems such a struggle.

“I am shocked I haven’t crashed yet either, I feel like it’s around every corner, could happen at any moment,” I replied, lying in bed, recovering from jet lag as I watched him wrap him Christmas presents that I had bought but had no energy to wrap after traveling to another country.

Mr. Texas takes excellent care of me, so much so that I’ve officially moved in with him. He even added that he felt like perhaps I won’t crash the way I fear because he is here to support me, not to mention that I’m on medicine right now to help me limp along with my emotional wreckage of a life. I hadn’t been sleeping to the point where I could no longer function – it’s amazing what some sleep and emotional stability can provide to functioning.

So let’s catch up my life to speed:

2016 greeted me with my husband wanting a divorce – which ripped my heart out and left me a shadow of my former self. The divorce also left me abandoned in my former hometown, looking for a new job and away from my support system of friends and my sister.

Somehow, during this stressful period, two men have been kind enough to care for me: Mr. Texas and The Wanderer. My relationship with both of them has been rocky, especially reconciling with my ex husband briefly, but they are supportive and patient through my struggles.

Before I felt fully myself from the divorce, my baby sister died unexpectedly. My family leaned on me, the way they always have for some odd reason (they say it’s because I’m the most responsible and strongest though I feel far from that), but I simply could not handle even the littlest things reeling from another loss so dear to my heart.

Mr. Texas, throughout it all, has held me and stepped up when I simply couldn’t stand on my own. We have a ton of issues – mostly coming from my end, but after my sister died and sex and hurty rope didn’t offer the comfortable escape I sought, Mr. Texas simply opened up his arms and held me through the tears, kissed and beat and fucked my body until I temporarily could seek release from it all.

When he wasn’t around, I fought the sleeplessness; the admitting that I needed help, counseling, medicine; limped along in my job and fought panic attacks; I binged ate and forgot to eat. Time and time again I kept coming over to his house, our kids blending seamlessly and he offered home cooked meals, wine, hot tub, comfort.

He offered home.

He changed his work schedule (a rare opportunity in the military) to help me with school schedules, painted bedrooms and negotiated with all the kids involved to make space personalized for everyone.

I don’t know if we’re suited: he was very vanilla but is now open minded enough to accept my want of polyamory, finds himself liking and even craving the kinkier intimate moments and the social communities; for myself, I wanted the freedom that older kids came with and exploring my outgoing kink lifestyle yet now find that home makes me content most days. It may be a fleeting acceptance on both of our parts but we are willing to see where it goes.

It’s a scary step.

I still fight the feeling that I need to stand on my own, that I need to find myself amid all this chaotic life changing loss, that I am relying on another so heavily.

I have always been the reliable one, the one that my family and even my ex husband relied on, the stead fast one, always known who I was, what I wanted, and how to get there.

I’ve no clue anymore. My heart is shattered in so many pieces I am shocked that anyone wants to hold the slivers and be in my broken company.

Maybe, even if I’m doing this wrong or for the wrong reasons, it’s what is right for right now.

And maybe it’s time I set aside my worry and allow Mr. Texas to soothe my vulnerability with love (and yes, even opening myself up to another potential loss).
Wicked Wednesday

Dec 282016
 

I had every intention of sharing one of my favorite bloggers every month. My every intention has vanished this year with far too many transitions that crashed upon me. So I figured I’d share the six that I did share before I seriously cut back on showcasing others. 

A Dissolute Life Means

She writes honestly, and often raw. She exposes her more vulnerable self and is often unapologetic about who she is and what she needs. She often writes about seeing multiple men, one of my favorites is when she poetically uses a carousel analogy. I love how beautifully she writes, how being with these men doesn’t diminish her want of something more permanent but she is accepting of the fun as it comes along. I also share how she is hopeful and jaded in imagining a future with every lover she encounters. Another of her posts that I love is how she leads with her sexuality and that it is okay for her to do so, something that took me a long time to recognize in myself. Even when she writes about Casual Sex Rules, she beautifully weaves a story. A fantastic writer.

Molly’s Daily Kiss

She writes most often about a D/s life, the sex blogging community, and observations about sexuality and outlooks. She makes me think often, one such was about tools you need to be a Dom, with the things listed were not I first thought of – they’re far more important. But it is often her writing erotica or fantasies that get me so much, for example a scene based on location; wherein her husband also writes with his own musings. The entire thing turned me on so much, as well as this scene describing a slow build up of anticipation; it is moments like this which fuel my desire far more than touching. She is also the most influential sex blogger that I can think of.

Rebel’s Notes

Another seriously influential sex blogger, she hosts memes like Wicked Wednesday, Sexy Searching, The Menopause Diaries, and the Oral Sex Project. She is my number one supporter and commenter – I don’t know if I would continue to pursue different ways of writing if it wasn’t for her. She is bold with her photos, brave in her Scavenger Hunt photos. She writes of her D/s journey and is honest in her own faults. She has a relationship that I am envious of. Her erotic fiction is pretty hot as well.

Malin James

She writes from a deeply intimate and introspective manner, between the sexual and the psyche, though her stories more often seem to be fiction. She often writes with a dark seductive tone and I love it, like Lonely Things. But when she does write personally, it inspires me, like the notes to her younger self and I appreciated how lovingly reflective it is. It inspired me to think about it and make it a goal of mine to write similarly. Something that echoed painfully and eloquently with me was: This is What I Mean when I Say I Love You. She also discusses writing with the The Semantics of Sex, specifically the words “making love” and “fuck”.

Tamsin Flowers

Tamsin Flowers participated in the #AtoZChallenge and did it brilliantly, but her favorite posts with me include the sense of hearing. She writes a post based on a song, Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies. She writes a take on The Little Mermaid, and not do I love fairy tales, it is an amazingly sexy erotica for a woman who is speechless. She also wrote about sounds and silence eloquently, which was hot and bittersweet all at the same time.

Easily Aroused

Easily Aroused is so often a writer who gets me going every time, with such beautiful erotica. Even in experiencing a new, and taboo, activity he writes gorgeously. This man seriously (and unknowingly) seduces me across a computer screen with his words, like Elemental, or Striation. Even something that made me sad with the loss and betrayal, still turned me on.