I had two friends talk about our blog. One asked for it so his wife could read, as he wanted them to get into kink. My other friend suggested that they watch porn instead. (Apparently we’re too hardcore to recommend.) To which he replied that they were already watching hardcore porn.
There’s a few statements in there that make me cringe. But I’ll get to the biggest: watching porn in not realistic, nor safe. (mostly)
It also makes me realize that while I am still learning, and while there are quite a few drafts saved up here on mistakes, I still tend to write on the positives. And who wouldn’t? And isn’t it hotter to read than: “my fingers are tingling,” I stated. He sighed, and began unraveling the complicated and time consuming knots.
The best advice I could give someone is sign up for Fetlife and take some educationals.
The very best advice.
I signed up (finally) and was hoping that my husband would learn how to become a bit more of a sadist, less cautious. I envisioned everything strange about porn, blending it with stories I’ve read. My husband might learn to hurt me!
And he has benefitted from serious sadists. But the biggest thing we both learned is how to be safe, sane, respectful in our kink. How to look out for bad things like tingling hands (nerve damage is a real risk of bondage). Porn will often still do a slipknot; slipknots have no place around my joints! There’s far cooler knots (cat’s paw) that he can use quickly and effectively when I am struggling or resisting that manage to go around a limb and tighten without my cooperation (link also shows more knots on how to support safely if more weight may be applied).
Do you know submissives get a voice? Especially with rope play when expressing any potential injury may prevent it? (I have quite a few flops in experiencing this, saved in drafts.)
Discussion and negotiation. What do you both want? What will happen? What will it look like? What are both of your hard limits?
How to ride the levels of hormones and adrenaline to get the best out of finding the sweet zone that subspace (even dominants experience a form of this sometimes) is awesome for.
Aftercare! Okay, you’ve beaten (in an approved manner, I hope) your partner. Don’t just ditch them!
The list of what you can learn is truly limitless. Sound boring learning about safety and the work involved in kink? Too bad!
Don’t worry: you’ll (the sadist) also learn how to hurt more effectively, so you won’t get tired and can do it longer (whee!). Some devilish toys to use and even make (my husband has jumped on this train so quickly and so many projects now litter my house). You’ll learn as a submissive how better to navigate through things. You’ll both learn proper bondage – both safely (yes, I can’t stress that enough) and evilly to have the person begging.
Want to find other kinky people who understand? Want to find play partners? Want to watch? Fetlife is the going to be the easiest, and less awkward, way to find like-minded people.
Don’t want to sign up? Read, please read. Elust has excellent Thoughts and Advice on Kink or Fetish. Don’t read fantasy, read real experiences that discuss both the positives and the challenges. Research the specifics of what you want to do: make sure you buy toys that won’t break, lube that contains friendly ingredients, homemade projects that are made properly, rope or bondage that doesn’t damage.
And have fun! Read steamy fantasies and share with each other. That’s my biggest tool in expressing to my husband what I wanted. I would read something and share, stating that I wanted that scene. But realize that it is someone else’s fantasy, that you both may not know the behind-the-scenes work to get it done right, that you both may not share the same limits, or values.
Okay, I guess the most important advice is to talk! It isn’t just about what one person wants, you aren’t playing alone. (Though you may be quickly if you don’t respect the other person.)
This is typed quickly, sorry about a brief rant. Back to the good stuff (with the occasional learning mishaps thrown in).