I’m an all or nothing kind of girl… This rarely, if ever, works out for me. So one day I woke up and decided that I was going to be healthy! I immediately changed my diet and embarked on a very intimate relationship with a treadmill. I didn’t ease into anything. I would basically go to the gym until I dropped, or my feet started bleeding again. It turns out, a body isn’t meant to do those kinds of things.
Interesting fact on anatomy:
Did you know that there’s more than one muscle in your butt? In fact, there’s this vertical muscle that makes your body pivot. It’s called the piriformis. The way it’s set up is, your sciatic nerve, the one that starts in your lower back and goes all the way to your feet runs directly behind it. For some people though, the nerve runs through it.
Back to my story…
One day, I’m going hard on the treadmill and suddenly my leg just goes OUT. Hit the floor, horrible pain in my ass, excruciating. I can’t walk. Trip to the Dr, lots of tests, I’ve torn my piriformis, this evil little muscle I didn’t even know existed.
Now, I’m the queen of all things fail, so does my nerve go behind my muscle like most human beings? Of course not. It goes through it.
I’d give you a list of everything I suddenly couldn’t do, but we’d be here all day. Let’s sum it up with everything. It hurt to do everything. The most meddlesome part of all this, because I have fabulous priorities, is spreading my legs. I couldn’t spread my legs, it was like white hot fire shot down my entire leg and tears would spring to my eyes.
Um yeah. I like sex. Like, a lot. A kind of essential part of sex is the ability for me to spread my legs…
It was time to get creative. The problem was, almost everything on my left side starting at my lower back, couldn’t handle the slightest touch. The phrase “MIND THE LEFT!” was suddenly my constant mantra. Hugging, random touches, cuddling, somehow it seemed like everyone was targeting my left side and I’d have to squeak out the phrase to save the poor, injured side of my body.
Sex was going to be the most complicated thing I’ve ever attempted. If I can’t handle a gentle pat on the ass as I’m walking by, how the hell am I supposed to handle a pounding!? We decided to try standing up for sex, but I couldn’t last long because I’d put all of my weight on the right side, and with me and stand up sex I always have to be on my toes because I have ridiculously short legs.
We tried laying down with my legs together in the air, but my back would take quite the pounding so that didn’t last much longer. Then we threw a pillow under my ass and that worked a bit better.
We tried laying on our sides, but I couldn’t lay on my left side, and he found it almost impossible not to grab my left hip to use for leverage.
Suddenly my most common phrase for sex wasn’t anything as sexy as “oh baby harder!” Or “I like that!” It was “MIND THE LEFT!!!!”
The accidental grabbing of my left side was so frequent that my frustration mounted to the point where I wanted to take a sharpie and draw a caution sign all over the left side of my rump. It seemed like he was magically drawn there, again and again, and it didn’t matter how often I cried out “MIND THE LEFT!!!”, he continued to touch it mere moments later.
It worked out that from behind was the ideal position for us. I was totally OK with this, especially because it happens to be my favorite position in the first place. Finally, we were having amazing sex. After the many days of trying to figure this whole sex thing out, we had gotten it right.
We were both getting into it. I cannot describe how amazing this sex was, it was like the failure and frustration of our previous attempts just made this one so much better. I was slamming my ass back to meet his thrusts. Instead of using my hips for leverage he had my hair wrapped around his fist. I LOVE having my hair pulled. I was in heaven. The pleasure was building and building in my body and my moans were getting louder and louder. It was primal, he was getting into it, his thrusts getting more intense. He pulled back his free arm and THWACK! He smacked my ass with the gusto of one rewarding his good girl, just like he knew I liked.
It only took him a moment to realize what happened. A deep indrawn breath, a strangled noise. A spasm and the sudden collapsing of my body. I could not even draw in breath, the pain was so blinding. He had forgotten the cardinal rule we had established for everything… He had forgotten to mind the left. He had a 50/50 shot of delivering a delightfully arousing blow that surely would have sent us over the edge of bliss; instead he hit the nail in the coffin of our sex.
It was over. I curled into a ball, making vague mewling noises with the panted breath that was all my body was capable of at the moment. For once, it was not me chanting my fail sex benediction of “oh God! I am SO sorry!”, it was him.