May 272017
 
Sinful Sunday

It’s been months since I’ve really felt the pain and pleasure of rope, perhaps longer. Mr. Texas is frustrated, to say the least. He’s clever, capable, a quick learner. He’s done some amazing bedroom bondage and predicaments – and he’s only really learned the basics. But rope to me is strange…it’s a shadow of a memory that I love but that triggers me towards others. (Plus I’m not finding a rope community here still for Mr. Texas and I to be comfortable in.)

May 242017
 

Mr. Texas needed me to engage in kink. It was obvious. I introduced him to it, gave him a taste that he became addicted to, and then withdrew. To be fair: I was withdrawing from life, not just kink.

He hadn’t had a bruise in a month from me, and it had been a few weeks since he had bruised me.

We laid in bed on our sides and kissed, the beginning dance of sex, when I pushed him onto his back and sunk my teeth into the center of one side of his chest. “Ow,” he cried surprised, but the tone was one of optimistic acceptance. After a minute of which I increased the pressure, he tapped softly twice – a physical sign he has always just naturally done when he is at his limit. I leaned up and smiled down at the indentures of my teeth, lowered to lick in the divots, traced my tongue as I savored the sharp intake of his breath. Next, I made a smaller circular mark slightly up from the last one, almost where chest rises to shoulder in the slight hollow. The smaller bite allowed my teeth to curl inward towards each other in a more true bite – he could take more pain in this particular area, a bit more movement. He held his breath, trying to sort through the pain, and then released it as he tapped. I didn’t stop, increased the bite pressure a bit more, and let go at the same time as he said, “yellow”. Soft kisses and tongue tracing covered this mark that almost had my back molars imprinted. Then I bit down under the first mark I made, less of a bite and more of a true sinking of pearly pressure deep into his chest muscle above his nipple. This would leave less of a bruise than it used to – his body becoming adjusted over time to biting, but it would still give me the sensitive chest zone that would feel a tap or a slap, even a pain when I oh-so-innocently pressed my head against his chest.

I did the same with the other side, though to a less extent in case I decided I wanted to play on that side a different day – I didn’t want to exhaust my entire playground where the pain wouldn’t allow me to play another day. Foresight and lessons learned.

Next was his thighs: he knew it and I knew it, but I trailed caresses and kisses down the center of his chest and stomach. I cupped his balls and gripped his hardened shaft as I slid my breasts to either side of his cock, dipped my mouth down and tasted his precum. My lips pressed against his head and slowly opened to suck his head into my libidinous mouth. He moaned in appreciation, pressed up as I swirled my tongue around the top, and groaned as I released him into the air. I gripped his thigh and bit down hard where his muscle flexed instinctively under my touch, hearing his cry and waiting for his tap before I released. I again drew his cock into my mouth until he hit the back of my throat, slowly in and slowly out, as I positioned to bite at his other thigh. This time I didn’t waste time going for a pain that would make him tap but I also contrasted the sharp bite with stroking his hardened shaft, knowing he would be a bit distracted and allow me to sink my teeth into an even deeper bruise. Back and forth I went to each thigh: a painful bite as I stroked him, a teasing of my mouth in between each side. His body didn’t know if it wanted to arch into my mouth or push himself away from it.

After a time I simply pretended I would bite him and I would get the same noises of distress. I would chuckle at his false alarm and if he failed to seem surprise then I gripped and pressed into the more painful places and received the painful signs from him. I straddled his thighs, my own thighs pressed into the muscles that I hurt and he whimpered in surprise. Leaning forward for a kiss, I also shimmied up to straddle his cock, my own wetness slick so his cock nestled in between my lips but I didn’t position myself so he could slide inside. Our tongues slid against each other as I slid up and down, teasingly coating him but not granting him access inside my body. He made a noise of complaint.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I whispered as I leaned up, pressed my palms into his chest, heard his plaint of pain and smiled at it, pushed harder on his chest where it hurt the most as I lifted my hips and poised myself at his tip. “Don’t  you want this?” As I asked I lowered slightly and took just his head into my body while I curled my fingernails into the marks that my teeth left.

He took a huge inhalation to work through the pain, “I don’t know,” he cried out and arched as his shoulder blades could sink him into the mattress further away from my nails and his hips raised to thrust upwards into my body. I was having none of it, my nails sunk deeper and I raised myself where he left my body completely.

“Oh honey, then I’ll stop,” I soothed as he groaned in frustration and his hips moved back down in defeat. My hands caressed his reddened chest, tracing over the welts of fingers and the depressions of teeth marks.

Gosh, I love contrasts, like to slow down a moment to appreciate such things.

“No,” he was almost panting from pain and need, his breathing coming in short and quick, “it’s fine.”

So again I positioned myself, but this time slammed myself down, impaling to the hilt. Surprised, he jerked under me and groaned. Slowly, I tightened around his girth and raised up, while at the same time leaned back and gripped his thighs where previously I had bitten, felt for the indents of teeth that finger nails filled and clawed into.

There would be no pleasure without pain for him tonight, a predicament that eventually frustrated him enough to throw me off of him and take me from behind, his hands tightly gripping my wrists so I could no longer touch him, until he finally found his release buried within me, his groan beside my ear as his body shuddered and felt heavy against my own.

May 152017
 

Every so often, for a couple of days, I have very dark desires. Even what turns me on is different. I’ll watch forced fantasies, consensual non consent scenes. I’ll masturbate roughly, often causing myself pain, discomfort, possible bleeding from the force of my own actions.

I’m not sure a lover has ever been able to pick it out – not even my ex husband who truly knew me and read me so ridiculously well sexually.

I don’t share the mood verbally, yet my actions, if I really reflect how they are with another, are even rougher.

One night, for example, Mr. Texas and I were in the hot tub and he was being stubborn and not admitting to his stupidity (don’t get this scenario wrong – I admitted to my own stupidity and was asking for him to do the same). I was done playing nice, so I propelled myself on his lap, dug my nails into the sides of his ribs right below his armpits, and bit down on his jawline alongside his chin.

He immediately panicked I would leave a bite mark on his face and that would frowned upon in the military (I didn’t).

He admitted he was stupid, and we made out, where I took his face between my hands and kissed him until he struggled to breathe.

Upstairs, when he reached around and grabbed at my backs of my thighs to bruise the muscle with his fingers, I bit down hard upon his chest, sinking teeth into muscle until my teeth touched into the skin. He pushed me away, told me that we needed to establish some sort of rule that that was not okay.

I mentioned our safe word, unapologetic. In my head, I was picturing my teeth tearing into his skin and my hand reaching into his heart – sort of like what you see in movies or supernatural stories.

Later, as I straddled and impaled myself upon him, I leaned forward and pushed my fingers into the deep teeth marks, smiling at his sharp intake of breath at the pain, kissing softly alongside his neck. In my head, I tasted his blood in my mouth as his pulse became weaker – sort of like a vampire movie, I suppose.

At some point in the night, I was flipped over and he was driving himself into my warm body; he slowed down and his hands softly caressed from hips to breasts, gently squeezed, caressed up to the sides of my neck. My own hands fluttered to cover his own, kept them along my fragile neck for a moment longer. I closed my eyes and imagined him squeezing the breath and blood from circulating life into my body as he was deep inside of me, stroked in and out as I grew dizzy and weary, and eventually strangled the life from me.

That would be a way to go, far kinder than most people’s, falling asleep with my lover’s cock creating pleasure, never to wake again. It would be hot if he grunted and groaned his pleasure over my unconscious body, came immediately after extinguishing my life, his semen dripping out of me.

It would be like a play, this fantasy, and the onlookers would hold their breath at the turn of events, this tragedy, and we would stand up and take a bow when the reality of the scene set in, proud of our accomplishment, our feat, our daring, and the horror and grief of the onlookers would realize that this wasn’t real, this thing in front of them, and would be relieved.

His life, my life, a life, played out to the finish.

The End

Fin

 

May 102017
 

When I shave I have perhaps an hour of smooth legs, two if I’m very lucky and it’s been awhile since I shaved.

Mr Texas has commented numerous times that he wants me to shave my legs more, doesn’t want me to grow out my winter coat.

So I bought an epilator and thought I’d give it a try. One test area to my leg after thoroughly researching how to use it and I decided I hated it and that I just couldn’t do that to myself.

So when Mr Texas decided to request three items be placed on the bed, my way of requesting a scene and what kind I wanted, I decided to stick the epilator there with nipple clamps and a vibrator for a pleasure.

“This doesn’t count,” he protested, “find something else.”

“It does too! It’s an instrument of pain and torture, and something I’ll need aftercare from.”

“Find something else.”

So I pouted and deliberated and pick out a knife for the pleasure sensation too – no other painful instrument was to touch me the same night as that epilator.

I laid on the bed naked and hugged a huge fluffy pillow against me; it covered most of my torso and as soon as that demonic device touched my leg and moved, I cried and hit the pillow, my nails trying to pierce the softness and rip it to shreds – luckily the pillow withstood the onslaught.

My legs didn’t feel as though they could survive, around the shin wasn’t as bad but the calf was horrific, I couldn’t lay still and Mr Texas was half exasperated and half laughing at my hysterics.

“I’m definitely a sadist,” I heard him murmur in between a chuckle when I howled at a sensitive bit.

After one leg, he removed the pillow and laid on top of me, his body weight and warmth reassuring as he made hushing and reassuring noises alongside my neck. He kissed and distracted me a bit as I held onto him for all I was worth.

“You are going to need aftercare,” he decided.

“I know,” I wailed pitifully against his neck. “And you’ve still a whole other leg to do.”

May 052017
 

I’ve written about how I’m not kink enough.

Now I’m concerned that I’m not blog worthy. Hell, let’s just say I’m not life worthy. I’m an imposter, something Kayla Lords writes eloquently about.

My sister and I began this blog. I didn’t think I could do it alone, even though I did all the research, read those I admired, had a plan on how to enter the sex blogging community. I didn’t think I had enough to write about, or that my writing wouldn’t be strong enough, or diverse enough. So, I invited my sister into my idea – less scary to jump in alone, and I already knew she was brilliant and talented. Not to mention that she had the most unusual sex life – far more exciting than my own. I asked her to start Sinful Sundays simply because I didn’t have the confidence to be seen – a point she couldn’t believe I asked of her but she flourished under the supportive community until I tip toed in. See how self doubt and comparisons crept in before I ever leaped?

This space here brought us closer. It also caused arguments as my flighty sister in her exciting life couldn’t commit to a post, a timeline, couldn’t be bothered with the responsibility. But we got over those – we were always each other’s biggest supporters and every single thing that she contributed was appreciated and far more than I could ever write. Towards the end, her health halted things on here; she wanted to go towards more of the photo side and show her face – a dilemma that had her creating her own space where she began with old photos, but even though I fully had the reins and was managing it all here, I was rallying for her to begin her own creative journey once she became well enough to do so. I was also curious how soon it would take to pass up on this space – one she had helped create.  I’m sure it was only a matter of time.

And now she’s dead.

When I first began writing my own stories, they were all about my husband. Impersonal erotica at first, and then a glimpse into our marriage – and then our problems. Now this space, my end of the stories, are more journal type though they are relationship and sex centered.

And now he’s gone.

I feel that they took a piece of me with them – I don’t feel that I deserve to be  happy. I feel that I have nothing to write about and no support system to continue this blog – they who were every nook and cranny of the foundation space here.

Sure, I know that I have ran this blog successfully, and that everyone deserves to be happy and pursue their aspirations, but I feel like…

The truth is, I’m unsure what to feel. I’m putting one foot in front of the other, I’m pursuing a relationship with Mr. Texas, I’m being unsuccessful at creating an environment that is multiple-relationships friendly, I’m living a lie.

Every time I felt unsure of myself, I could call my sister. I cannot anymore. I reread her cheerleading words sometimes and they just make me feel more despondent – because she was life in itself and I am nothing more than a fraud pretending to live.

Apr 172017
 

While my ex-husband and I were hitting the nail in the coffin of our marriage and making a messy muck of it, we would often use the term “now or never”.

I started it, I think. I started it on the drive out to him, where I told him it was his girlfriend or me. He had to make a decision immediately as I didn’t want to waste any more time driving. Perhaps it makes sense why I issued that ultimatum, but it was still a manipulation ploy.

I also used it when I was stuck in my hometown with nowhere else to go after that long drive. I used it under the context that kids would be in school, I would get a job because I had to, and I needed to know where to settle. “Make up your mind now, you have about two weeks, and then we’re stuck in this town,” I told him desperately. It was the truth, but the truth can still manipulate. I was hoping to press him to get what I wanted.

We reconciled a few times in the Spring, if reconciling meant fucking up each other’s minds and occasionally fucking. So many tears, so much confusion. We would lash out and hurt each other just to keep some distance, come back and apologize between sobs and blame. We didn’t see each other all that frequently, and the few times were in secret.

Clearly, while I spoke the truth, it wasn’t now or never, as I kept pushing back the timeline. Over the summer, surely I could change schools, find another job. Yes, it was even more complicated, but wasn’t it worth it? We really committed over the summer, broke up with our partners and attempted to work towards us. If committed meant throwing ultimatums, mostly from him this time: give up the blog, only write fiction, delete the past lovers, move to me, give me writing assignments, work on your issues – I don’t have any; now or never.

I tried to compromise the most I was ever willing to over the summer, being so heartbroken and lost in life by then that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I wasn’t willing to give up the blog but compromised what it looked like, catered to all the other whims. After just a short time, he changed his mind when I complained that I was only one changing. Summer didn’t see us together for more than a few days without changing our minds, but it was a few days scattered once a week for the duration of it.

We had sucked the vitality of our love in our attempt to keep our relationship together; we were dry and empty. We should’ve known better, but fall saw us trying again. Now or never, I again stated, but this time he was compromising location – after all, by this point I was settled into the school year and just couldn’t do that to my family. We still worked out the terms of our reconciliation, but we were shaky.

This reconciliation lasted the longest – a whole two weeks. He procrastinated finding a job, I was helping him. Now or never, I echoed that so much, so desperate for what I felt was the last time. He visited me for a weekend, I visited him for a weekend.

I think that last weekend was truly our now or never. I was visiting my daughter, making her a priority, and plans in trying to work around her social calendar kept interfering with my ex and myself. Or perhaps our daughters’ schedule weren’t working out the way we planned – but the passion was gone, the desperation – from both of us. I think we both felt it. We were well and truly tired.

As I drove away from visiting him, he called me and stated that he didn’t think he wanted to continue. It wasn’t a new statement by any means, the difference being that I also didn’t want to continue.  We wished each other the best, felt that we would support each other if needed but space was needed far more for the time being, and went our separate ways.

A month later, my baby sister died. I called him hysterical and he seemed amazingly sympathetic, but while I was out there dealing with her body and possessions he became callous and self-centered. I couldn’t understand how he could make demands and requests of me in my grief – though to be fair at any other time I would have responded at least neutrally on what he asked of me. But it wasn’t any other time, it was a tragic heart-ripping moment.

I needed him now far more than I ever had before and realized it would never happen – not even as a friend.

Apr 142017
 

*For the month of April, I am going to purge my drafts of my off-and-on reconciliation attempts with my ex-husband last year. They are still painful, and will be incredibly rough drafts, as I am literally purging emotions and some bittersweet memories. I may also mix in some current stuff just to give myself a break, or to reflect where I am now.

I wrote this on Valentine’s Day, one year before he turned me out of his life. 

1 in a bar full of men, I only had eyes for you

2 you are always supportive of me

3 you do little things to show me you love me, like make the bed, or leave me a note

4 you’re a good dresser

5 you have the upmost respect for women

6 if you’re concentrated, you get grumpy if interrupted

7 you have a huge smile when you tease and deal with my brat times

8 you can pick up something and make it look easy (crafts, bowling, skiing, etc)

9 you are open minded and compassionate

10 you are a fierce snuggler

11 you always have to touch me if I’m in reach

12 your voice slows down and gets softer when talking to females or elderly

13 you always wait till the last minute

14 you’re a good dancer, even when you strip

15 you try not to let me see the tupperware when it’s gross, even changing your mind about bringing it in if I’m nearby

16 you draw your eyebrows together when you decide your done talking about a conversation

17 you only gesture when you’re in a good mood, you will occasionally do knife hands when angry

18 you are a good cook

19 you rock my world in bed and are adventurous

20 the noises you make when you cum

21 your gruff morning voice

Apr 132017
 

“You never hear of the bullet that hits you, it is one of the few blessings of battle.” – Burke Davis, Marine! the Life Chesty Puller

My ex-husband wrote me a list of reasons why he loved me and our life together one week before I drove out to be with him, a drive that he turned me away from him once I arrived. With texts like this, perhaps it may make sense on why I didn’t see the bullet that killed us. Hello purging, glad you are now deleted from my phone.

  • I love the way you look at me when we wake up together, that sparkle in your eyes and that smile you get, especially when you know we are about to have some wonderful morning sex.
  • I love the way you are willing to jump into anything.
  • I like it when you take control, it makes me go crazy and turns me on so much like nothing else.
  • I love how giddy you get when we are going or doing something new!
  • I also like how you try to involve everybody and don’t let people feel left out.
  • I love how we are each others biggest fans and supporters.
  • I love how we drive and encourage each other to be the best that we can, even when it sucks to do so.
  • I love how we can just talk forever and not stop.
  • I can not wait to finally really go RV shopping with you!
  • I love you too, soulmate. Copilot to the open roads.
  • Our home will have a hide away library/romper room we will spend hours in…..
  • We will be those people that will have a map of the United States and get stickers to fill in the entire thing!
  • I am going to have my mini pitbull and you will have your Pom and we will happily fit in the home and RV
  • We are going to be busy people when we retire. There is so much traveling we need to do, not just in the RV but all I’ve r the world. We have talked so much about our worldly travels we will have and I can not wait to begin them. I mean I get to be stuck on a plane with you for over 8 hours that is a great start!
  • Another thing I love about you and I, we get each other what we want.
  • When we retire and build our own house, I will put in a beautiful garden and maybe a green house, so we can have wonderful flower year round.
  • I can’t wait to start exploring this new area with you!