We are constantly being told that the key to great sex is communication; discussing the things we like and dislike with our partners so we can better understand what turns each other on and what buttons to push.
Are you comfortable discussing sex with your partner? Do you have the confidence to ask for what you like/want?
Yes, I am absolutely comfortable discussing sex with my partner. First, I have the STI test talk, asking them to get tested prior (slutfest – an upcoming post – is the exception to this). Next, my talk tends to be more of a questionnaire type deal of what they like, how open minded they are, a warning of some of the kinkier things that I like, and any fantasies they may have that we can accomplish together.
For example, with my new guy (a friend suggested calling him hot tub guy because we always go into the hot tub but I like Mr. Texas more since when he opens his mouth his dialect is obviously Texan to me), after our first date, I established that I would like to have sex with him and asked him to get tested. He reaffirmed that he also wanted me, and showed me the test results a few days later.
I warned him I was kinky and he said that he wasn’t, but he was willing to try almost anything at least a few times. He told me that he had only gone down on a woman once, and that apparently he considered oral sex kinky. I warned I was a bit kinkier than that – that I considered oral sex not only necessary but that it was a tame activity. We went over his hard limit of no anal penetration to him.
When I asked him what he liked, he shrugged his shoulders and said that he wasn’t even really sure, that he didn’t have a lot of experience. When I asked about fantasies, he gave a vague response of whatever turned me on would give him a lot of pleasure – but two weeks later he’s finally opened up about some fantasies – one of which we made come true – sex in a hot tub, something he absolutely loved and I was even surprised how much I enjoyed it. Over spring break, when we are child free, we have a list of fantasies to accomplish – and I’m really looking forward to it.
He is not very open minded, but he admits that he doesn’t understand a lot of what I discuss and he will try to keep an open mind. I look at tumblr a lot, and because he’s always by my side (and I’ve spent many nights with him already), I will show him what I view as sexy or hot. He scrunches up his face, asks specifics of why I might enjoy some of the pictures or gifs, and then when I explain it he says that he could possibly now see that as being desirable…some things.
It’ll be a slow process but I believe that he is open minded and adventurous enough to try new things.
And this is why communication is so important – I am still a firm believer in asking for what I want, sharing my desires and fantasies, and pursuing my passions. My partner is not a mind reader, nor am I, and to journey together we need to share what it is we want.