Cammies

Jun 192017
 

We laid in bed and snuggled in. It then that I realized my mouth, as it was inches from him. 

I shut it. Why did I forget my mouth? I could smell the sin on my own breath , surely he would be able to as well. 

Why was so careful to inspect and hide all the evidence of my cheating but my mouth still carried the scent? I should have brushed my teeth, of all the simple things that I simply overlooked!

It was glorious cheating for once, I relished and reveled in a different taste, though my body didn’t care for the experience.

But now that I was literally face to face with him, my lips were sealed, not just with the secret but to not slip proof of my weakness. 

And I realized, it wasn’t worth the risk.

The taste in my mouth became pungent and putrid, it laid on my tongue and made me victim rather than victor. What would he think of me if I were to expose myself as someone who succumbed? 

Hopefully if he pushed his tongue into my mouth to delve and taste, he would think it was a bad breath rather than bad form. But my breath, which gives me life and sustinence may now end something that I hold dear…

If nothing else, I would see, especially this close to his face, the disappointment rather than pride, the distrust.

The chili dogs weren’t worth it.

Jun 072017
 

Mr. Texas has this habit of not coming very quickly. It may seem like a wonderful thing, except I like to change up from having sex after about 15 minutes, regardless of how many positions we engage in. I used to have this habit of hooking my heels on the insides of a man’s hips and physically pushing him out if he was on top after about 15 minutes. I don’t do that with Texas, I let him continue until his incredibly sexy grunts and groans and goosebumps dotting his skin signal his climax.

Perhaps it’s because he orgasms so beautifully I let him continue.

So after far too many multiple orgasms, with his own pleasure slowly trickling out of my body and the drops increasing my sensitivity as they move between my folds, he presses my body against his own – little breathless spoon wrapped around gasping and sweating big spoon, sealing our bodies tightly together. His fingers caress, and his semi erection presses against my cheeks; I moan and arch slightly into him.

He roughly rolls me onto my stomach, his hands grip thighs, palms press into cheeks, and he leaves me for a moment. I turn my head to look at what he is doing – such an unusual activity from this man after we start to cuddle. “Who gave you permission to move?” His voice stern, cluing me in that my body is about to go from pleasure to pain. I clench instinctively, and the echo of an orgasm throbs where our orgasms are still pooled in my depths.

A few days prior, in the hot tub where all our steamy discussions drift, we talked about our experiences with the cane that he now grabbed. I guided him in that discussion for more breaks, more change up from hard to soft, moving his position so it hit on different legs different ways; the cane was a challenge for me because it stung and I am positively wimpy at sting. So when the cane came out, he must’ve remember our talk.

He did everything right and the pain only heightened my sensitive body, became crests that were at the edge of my tolerance and rolled through my foggy brain, keeping me present on him and my beautiful body.

Rolled over, he entered me again, his hands going up my body and gripping my breasts. “I have this urge to take the crop to your nipples.”

“Go for it,” I agreed, hazy and breathless from an orgasm, “just remember that my nipples can take a lot but my breasts can’t.”

So gently, with precision, he cropped my nipples, that unexpectedly hardened and created sparks of pleasure and tension tightening even around his cock buried deep, led to such a powerful orgasm.

My body is a wondrous thing.

Earlier in the day, we painted the bedroom in colors of my choosing so that it felt like my domain – Mr. Texas is clever at using things at hand. He rolled me over, brought out the tape used in painting and stuck it over the reddened stripes. He caned over those places, the sting more thud with the protective layer, and then smacked with his hand a few times.

Next, the tape was so slowly and sensually peeled off. It was odd: far too intimate for my body to feel like clothing, more like I was losing a layer of skin or stinging places were peeled off that exposed sensitive nerves to the air. Three strips of tape were on each thigh, going from inside the thigh to wrap around and slightly up to the outside of the thigh. They glided off effortlessly with the slight pulling, making my skin so achingly aware as they gently removed.

So sensual; I moaned and raised my hips up in welcome.

Unable to resist the plump offering, his fists beat against the fleshy bottom and back of thighs, a welcome thud after sting. Being resourceful, he took an unused paint roller and slowly rolled the fuzzy fabric up my thighs, bottom, back – a warm blanket rolled up and graced my skin. Wherever the roller was, so too were my every thoughts, just feeling the sensation. A short pause, a movement alongside me, when again the roller traversed, there was a thin line of cold  across – water he dripped onto the material – that really made me aware of the roller circling around as it traveled.

Next, it was the paint brush’s bristles, stiff little points passing along my curves, following paths of red stripes that no longer hurt but welcomed the brushing.

He beat me with his fists again after such gentle care, yet my body and brain welcomed the sinking of his knuckles into muscles. He rolled me over onto my back and in one hand gripped both of my ankles, curling me up a little to smack at both sides of my bottom’s crease and thighs, occasionally getting my swollen wet labia, where eventually the stinging smacks made me cry out.

Telling me how absolutely beautiful I was, he lowered my legs, then mentioned moving me into the bathroom where there was more light for a picture. Mr. Texas is learning so very well, however, as he changed his mind before he could encourage me to move off of the bed, instead allowed me to lay in my hazy brain and lazy body, and held me in his arms. My body was now a sweaty mess, hair tangled and refusing to be tamed no matter how much he tried to brush it back as I laid my head on his chest.

I drifted in and out of his praise and caresses, fell into a deep sleep that gloriously lasted the entire night.

May 312017
 

I used to joke that my husband sucked in bed once. He did, but he could laugh good-naturedly about it because he was asleep when he sucked. How that man was fully asleep, and yet could carry on a conversation, be hard, let me ride him, and even cum inside of me fully asleep – I’ll never know. The military may train these men to sleep under strange circumstances, as I also don’t understand how he sleeps through mortars or standing up.

And now he has sucked a second time (almost a third, as the night before that wasn’t that great, though it wasn’t terrible). The last time I had sex with him (why does our last times have to suck in some way?), the sex wasn’t good. That night he didn’t want to have sex with me at all – even though I hadn’t seen him in weeks and we just had two nights (and not even days) together, but in the morning hours after his alarm went off he was apparently in the mood for it.  I didn’t even orgasm – and that’s saying something for me. He was fully awake but I received no foreplay before he was pulling me on top of him. I rode him until he found his orgasm in the early morning hours before he climaxed and then began to get ready to go for the day.

Perhaps he was still asleep? No, he was fully awake, he even admitted as much later, and he approached me for sex, not me pushing my body down on his lazy form that I was unaware was sleeping.

Perhaps it was good bye sex? No, good bye sex is meaningful in many ways. It has the passionate ending that is fizzling out but contained for one last burst of brightness. It has longing and love and tenderness behind every moment, and an intense unspoken message in every action. It is a parting gift, a last hurrah. There was no message in his action, no passion in his movement.

Perhaps it was one stand sex? No, even one night stands are more impressive. They explore an unknown body, or a body that they haven’t seen in awhile. People show off a skill normally in a one night, like a one trick pony putting on a display. They seem unsure because it is just for one night. He seemed sure of the steps, of the dance, of the show; uncaring of the tricks that he knows will bring me delight.

I didn’t say anything as he left.

Perhaps it was good bye sex that I was feeling? And I was tired of the words – besides which, he had uttered them far too often and only once to my face – and that was more of a repeat of the words he stated as I drove across country towards him.

Perhaps it was one night stand sex? That was how I felt, as if this person underneath me was just using my body for one time and uncaring of putting on a show; though I was: I was grinding down and tightening in ways that I know bring him pleasure, bring most men to pleasure, putting on my one trick in a way that tires me beyond one show. I didn’t know this person that my thighs straddled, he was an emotionless stranger to me that time and distance and anger and hurt and other relationships created.

…Later that day, when he called me when I driving the distance home, he said that he didn’t feel a connection to me the whole weekend. I could tell and let him know that.

I could also tell where the conversation was leading, as I had heard this enough from him. We didn’t place blame or point fingers, there was no “you do this” but only “I feel this” of a healthy communication expressing of feelings. He didn’t want to do this anymore: he wanted his family to take care of him, he was afraid of change, he was unsure of ever trusting our relationship again.

And to be honest: I was ready to let go. I didn’t want to do this again. I didn’t want to change who I was, what I wrote about, have someone jealousy paranoid, be in a relationship where there was no trust: me not trusting him to stay with me despite time and commitment, him not trusting me in a monogamous setting where I am not even talking to people in a sexual manner. I didn’t want to sacrifice anything further for him – I had already sacrificed so much. And I didn’t want him to sacrifice anything for me when he told me over and over again that he didn’t want to, and I didn’t want the resentment if he did.

May 272017
 
Sinful Sunday

It’s been months since I’ve really felt the pain and pleasure of rope, perhaps longer. Mr. Texas is frustrated, to say the least. He’s clever, capable, a quick learner. He’s done some amazing bedroom bondage and predicaments – and he’s only really learned the basics. But rope to me is strange…it’s a shadow of a memory that I love but that triggers me towards others. (Plus I’m not finding a rope community here still for Mr. Texas and I to be comfortable in.)

May 242017
 

Mr. Texas needed me to engage in kink. It was obvious. I introduced him to it, gave him a taste that he became addicted to, and then withdrew. To be fair: I was withdrawing from life, not just kink.

He hadn’t had a bruise in a month from me, and it had been a few weeks since he had bruised me.

We laid in bed on our sides and kissed, the beginning dance of sex, when I pushed him onto his back and sunk my teeth into the center of one side of his chest. “Ow,” he cried surprised, but the tone was one of optimistic acceptance. After a minute of which I increased the pressure, he tapped softly twice – a physical sign he has always just naturally done when he is at his limit. I leaned up and smiled down at the indentures of my teeth, lowered to lick in the divots, traced my tongue as I savored the sharp intake of his breath. Next, I made a smaller circular mark slightly up from the last one, almost where chest rises to shoulder in the slight hollow. The smaller bite allowed my teeth to curl inward towards each other in a more true bite – he could take more pain in this particular area, a bit more movement. He held his breath, trying to sort through the pain, and then released it as he tapped. I didn’t stop, increased the bite pressure a bit more, and let go at the same time as he said, “yellow”. Soft kisses and tongue tracing covered this mark that almost had my back molars imprinted. Then I bit down under the first mark I made, less of a bite and more of a true sinking of pearly pressure deep into his chest muscle above his nipple. This would leave less of a bruise than it used to – his body becoming adjusted over time to biting, but it would still give me the sensitive chest zone that would feel a tap or a slap, even a pain when I oh-so-innocently pressed my head against his chest.

I did the same with the other side, though to a less extent in case I decided I wanted to play on that side a different day – I didn’t want to exhaust my entire playground where the pain wouldn’t allow me to play another day. Foresight and lessons learned.

Next was his thighs: he knew it and I knew it, but I trailed caresses and kisses down the center of his chest and stomach. I cupped his balls and gripped his hardened shaft as I slid my breasts to either side of his cock, dipped my mouth down and tasted his precum. My lips pressed against his head and slowly opened to suck his head into my libidinous mouth. He moaned in appreciation, pressed up as I swirled my tongue around the top, and groaned as I released him into the air. I gripped his thigh and bit down hard where his muscle flexed instinctively under my touch, hearing his cry and waiting for his tap before I released. I again drew his cock into my mouth until he hit the back of my throat, slowly in and slowly out, as I positioned to bite at his other thigh. This time I didn’t waste time going for a pain that would make him tap but I also contrasted the sharp bite with stroking his hardened shaft, knowing he would be a bit distracted and allow me to sink my teeth into an even deeper bruise. Back and forth I went to each thigh: a painful bite as I stroked him, a teasing of my mouth in between each side. His body didn’t know if it wanted to arch into my mouth or push himself away from it.

After a time I simply pretended I would bite him and I would get the same noises of distress. I would chuckle at his false alarm and if he failed to seem surprise then I gripped and pressed into the more painful places and received the painful signs from him. I straddled his thighs, my own thighs pressed into the muscles that I hurt and he whimpered in surprise. Leaning forward for a kiss, I also shimmied up to straddle his cock, my own wetness slick so his cock nestled in between my lips but I didn’t position myself so he could slide inside. Our tongues slid against each other as I slid up and down, teasingly coating him but not granting him access inside my body. He made a noise of complaint.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I whispered as I leaned up, pressed my palms into his chest, heard his plaint of pain and smiled at it, pushed harder on his chest where it hurt the most as I lifted my hips and poised myself at his tip. “Don’t  you want this?” As I asked I lowered slightly and took just his head into my body while I curled my fingernails into the marks that my teeth left.

He took a huge inhalation to work through the pain, “I don’t know,” he cried out and arched as his shoulder blades could sink him into the mattress further away from my nails and his hips raised to thrust upwards into my body. I was having none of it, my nails sunk deeper and I raised myself where he left my body completely.

“Oh honey, then I’ll stop,” I soothed as he groaned in frustration and his hips moved back down in defeat. My hands caressed his reddened chest, tracing over the welts of fingers and the depressions of teeth marks.

Gosh, I love contrasts, like to slow down a moment to appreciate such things.

“No,” he was almost panting from pain and need, his breathing coming in short and quick, “it’s fine.”

So again I positioned myself, but this time slammed myself down, impaling to the hilt. Surprised, he jerked under me and groaned. Slowly, I tightened around his girth and raised up, while at the same time leaned back and gripped his thighs where previously I had bitten, felt for the indents of teeth that finger nails filled and clawed into.

There would be no pleasure without pain for him tonight, a predicament that eventually frustrated him enough to throw me off of him and take me from behind, his hands tightly gripping my wrists so I could no longer touch him, until he finally found his release buried within me, his groan beside my ear as his body shuddered and felt heavy against my own.

May 152017
 

Every so often, for a couple of days, I have very dark desires. Even what turns me on is different. I’ll watch forced fantasies, consensual non consent scenes. I’ll masturbate roughly, often causing myself pain, discomfort, possible bleeding from the force of my own actions.

I’m not sure a lover has ever been able to pick it out – not even my ex husband who truly knew me and read me so ridiculously well sexually.

I don’t share the mood verbally, yet my actions, if I really reflect how they are with another, are even rougher.

One night, for example, Mr. Texas and I were in the hot tub and he was being stubborn and not admitting to his stupidity (don’t get this scenario wrong – I admitted to my own stupidity and was asking for him to do the same). I was done playing nice, so I propelled myself on his lap, dug my nails into the sides of his ribs right below his armpits, and bit down on his jawline alongside his chin.

He immediately panicked I would leave a bite mark on his face and that would frowned upon in the military (I didn’t).

He admitted he was stupid, and we made out, where I took his face between my hands and kissed him until he struggled to breathe.

Upstairs, when he reached around and grabbed at my backs of my thighs to bruise the muscle with his fingers, I bit down hard upon his chest, sinking teeth into muscle until my teeth touched into the skin. He pushed me away, told me that we needed to establish some sort of rule that that was not okay.

I mentioned our safe word, unapologetic. In my head, I was picturing my teeth tearing into his skin and my hand reaching into his heart – sort of like what you see in movies or supernatural stories.

Later, as I straddled and impaled myself upon him, I leaned forward and pushed my fingers into the deep teeth marks, smiling at his sharp intake of breath at the pain, kissing softly alongside his neck. In my head, I tasted his blood in my mouth as his pulse became weaker – sort of like a vampire movie, I suppose.

At some point in the night, I was flipped over and he was driving himself into my warm body; he slowed down and his hands softly caressed from hips to breasts, gently squeezed, caressed up to the sides of my neck. My own hands fluttered to cover his own, kept them along my fragile neck for a moment longer. I closed my eyes and imagined him squeezing the breath and blood from circulating life into my body as he was deep inside of me, stroked in and out as I grew dizzy and weary, and eventually strangled the life from me.

That would be a way to go, far kinder than most people’s, falling asleep with my lover’s cock creating pleasure, never to wake again. It would be hot if he grunted and groaned his pleasure over my unconscious body, came immediately after extinguishing my life, his semen dripping out of me.

It would be like a play, this fantasy, and the onlookers would hold their breath at the turn of events, this tragedy, and we would stand up and take a bow when the reality of the scene set in, proud of our accomplishment, our feat, our daring, and the horror and grief of the onlookers would realize that this wasn’t real, this thing in front of them, and would be relieved.

His life, my life, a life, played out to the finish.

The End

Fin

 

May 102017
 

When I shave I have perhaps an hour of smooth legs, two if I’m very lucky and it’s been awhile since I shaved.

Mr Texas has commented numerous times that he wants me to shave my legs more, doesn’t want me to grow out my winter coat.

So I bought an epilator and thought I’d give it a try. One test area to my leg after thoroughly researching how to use it and I decided I hated it and that I just couldn’t do that to myself.

So when Mr Texas decided to request three items be placed on the bed, my way of requesting a scene and what kind I wanted, I decided to stick the epilator there with nipple clamps and a vibrator for a pleasure.

“This doesn’t count,” he protested, “find something else.”

“It does too! It’s an instrument of pain and torture, and something I’ll need aftercare from.”

“Find something else.”

So I pouted and deliberated and pick out a knife for the pleasure sensation too – no other painful instrument was to touch me the same night as that epilator.

I laid on the bed naked and hugged a huge fluffy pillow against me; it covered most of my torso and as soon as that demonic device touched my leg and moved, I cried and hit the pillow, my nails trying to pierce the softness and rip it to shreds – luckily the pillow withstood the onslaught.

My legs didn’t feel as though they could survive, around the shin wasn’t as bad but the calf was horrific, I couldn’t lay still and Mr Texas was half exasperated and half laughing at my hysterics.

“I’m definitely a sadist,” I heard him murmur in between a chuckle when I howled at a sensitive bit.

After one leg, he removed the pillow and laid on top of me, his body weight and warmth reassuring as he made hushing and reassuring noises alongside my neck. He kissed and distracted me a bit as I held onto him for all I was worth.

“You are going to need aftercare,” he decided.

“I know,” I wailed pitifully against his neck. “And you’ve still a whole other leg to do.”

May 052017
 

I’ve written about how I’m not kink enough.

Now I’m concerned that I’m not blog worthy. Hell, let’s just say I’m not life worthy. I’m an imposter, something Kayla Lords writes eloquently about.

My sister and I began this blog. I didn’t think I could do it alone, even though I did all the research, read those I admired, had a plan on how to enter the sex blogging community. I didn’t think I had enough to write about, or that my writing wouldn’t be strong enough, or diverse enough. So, I invited my sister into my idea – less scary to jump in alone, and I already knew she was brilliant and talented. Not to mention that she had the most unusual sex life – far more exciting than my own. I asked her to start Sinful Sundays simply because I didn’t have the confidence to be seen – a point she couldn’t believe I asked of her but she flourished under the supportive community until I tip toed in. See how self doubt and comparisons crept in before I ever leaped?

This space here brought us closer. It also caused arguments as my flighty sister in her exciting life couldn’t commit to a post, a timeline, couldn’t be bothered with the responsibility. But we got over those – we were always each other’s biggest supporters and every single thing that she contributed was appreciated and far more than I could ever write. Towards the end, her health halted things on here; she wanted to go towards more of the photo side and show her face – a dilemma that had her creating her own space where she began with old photos, but even though I fully had the reins and was managing it all here, I was rallying for her to begin her own creative journey once she became well enough to do so. I was also curious how soon it would take to pass up on this space – one she had helped create.  I’m sure it was only a matter of time.

And now she’s dead.

When I first began writing my own stories, they were all about my husband. Impersonal erotica at first, and then a glimpse into our marriage – and then our problems. Now this space, my end of the stories, are more journal type though they are relationship and sex centered.

And now he’s gone.

I feel that they took a piece of me with them – I don’t feel that I deserve to be  happy. I feel that I have nothing to write about and no support system to continue this blog – they who were every nook and cranny of the foundation space here.

Sure, I know that I have ran this blog successfully, and that everyone deserves to be happy and pursue their aspirations, but I feel like…

The truth is, I’m unsure what to feel. I’m putting one foot in front of the other, I’m pursuing a relationship with Mr. Texas, I’m being unsuccessful at creating an environment that is multiple-relationships friendly, I’m living a lie.

Every time I felt unsure of myself, I could call my sister. I cannot anymore. I reread her cheerleading words sometimes and they just make me feel more despondent – because she was life in itself and I am nothing more than a fraud pretending to live.

Apr 172017
 

While my ex-husband and I were hitting the nail in the coffin of our marriage and making a messy muck of it, we would often use the term “now or never”.

I started it, I think. I started it on the drive out to him, where I told him it was his girlfriend or me. He had to make a decision immediately as I didn’t want to waste any more time driving. Perhaps it makes sense why I issued that ultimatum, but it was still a manipulation ploy.

I also used it when I was stuck in my hometown with nowhere else to go after that long drive. I used it under the context that kids would be in school, I would get a job because I had to, and I needed to know where to settle. “Make up your mind now, you have about two weeks, and then we’re stuck in this town,” I told him desperately. It was the truth, but the truth can still manipulate. I was hoping to press him to get what I wanted.

We reconciled a few times in the Spring, if reconciling meant fucking up each other’s minds and occasionally fucking. So many tears, so much confusion. We would lash out and hurt each other just to keep some distance, come back and apologize between sobs and blame. We didn’t see each other all that frequently, and the few times were in secret.

Clearly, while I spoke the truth, it wasn’t now or never, as I kept pushing back the timeline. Over the summer, surely I could change schools, find another job. Yes, it was even more complicated, but wasn’t it worth it? We really committed over the summer, broke up with our partners and attempted to work towards us. If committed meant throwing ultimatums, mostly from him this time: give up the blog, only write fiction, delete the past lovers, move to me, give me writing assignments, work on your issues – I don’t have any; now or never.

I tried to compromise the most I was ever willing to over the summer, being so heartbroken and lost in life by then that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I wasn’t willing to give up the blog but compromised what it looked like, catered to all the other whims. After just a short time, he changed his mind when I complained that I was only one changing. Summer didn’t see us together for more than a few days without changing our minds, but it was a few days scattered once a week for the duration of it.

We had sucked the vitality of our love in our attempt to keep our relationship together; we were dry and empty. We should’ve known better, but fall saw us trying again. Now or never, I again stated, but this time he was compromising location – after all, by this point I was settled into the school year and just couldn’t do that to my family. We still worked out the terms of our reconciliation, but we were shaky.

This reconciliation lasted the longest – a whole two weeks. He procrastinated finding a job, I was helping him. Now or never, I echoed that so much, so desperate for what I felt was the last time. He visited me for a weekend, I visited him for a weekend.

I think that last weekend was truly our now or never. I was visiting my daughter, making her a priority, and plans in trying to work around her social calendar kept interfering with my ex and myself. Or perhaps our daughters’ schedule weren’t working out the way we planned – but the passion was gone, the desperation – from both of us. I think we both felt it. We were well and truly tired.

As I drove away from visiting him, he called me and stated that he didn’t think he wanted to continue. It wasn’t a new statement by any means, the difference being that I also didn’t want to continue.  We wished each other the best, felt that we would support each other if needed but space was needed far more for the time being, and went our separate ways.

A month later, my baby sister died. I called him hysterical and he seemed amazingly sympathetic, but while I was out there dealing with her body and possessions he became callous and self-centered. I couldn’t understand how he could make demands and requests of me in my grief – though to be fair at any other time I would have responded at least neutrally on what he asked of me. But it wasn’t any other time, it was a tragic heart-ripping moment.

I needed him now far more than I ever had before and realized it would never happen – not even as a friend.