Apr 272016

Wishy-Washy is what he described himself, so I’m using that for W for the A to Z Challenge. While written two months ago, not much has changed with us in these two months. I would like to especially thank my husband for allowing these posts to be shared, as long as I take out certain parts – which that decision was a good one as my intent is not to be hurtful but express heartache and confusion in the ending of my marriage. He is handling me badly – has treated me poorly in this ending, but he is a good guy overall whose intention isn’t cruel.

photo credit: Passing via photopin (license)

photo credit: Passing via photopin (license)

I’m angry, I’m sad. I feel lost. I feel unloved. I feel that this is fair. I feel that I don’t deserve better. I feel that this will rip us apart. I feel that this will make us stronger. I wanted this. I didn’t want it like this. I feel like this is a tiny death that we can be renewed from. I cling to the past. I want to spring off from this towards a future. I’m done. I’m in love.

It doesn’t help that he is also so back and forth. “Let’s have sex,”, to “you’re disgusting – I wouldn’t touch you.” He wants me, his wife, to be the other woman because he’s already in a committed monogamous relationship with her. “You can’t tell anyone,” he tells me before he propositions to fuck me.

He compares us in the bedroom – something that deeply disturbs me if for no other reason than I’ve no wish to hear details of their sex life and that it is maybe a reason why he wants me back – for purely physical reasons. For some reason, I am now more emotional and he is more physical when it comes to sex – a complete opposite to how we’ve ever been in all our years together.

He fucks me – expresses how amazing it all was, and goes back to her.

He tells me he loves me – creates a happy illusion for her, still going off afterwards and choosing her nonetheless.

He tells me he believes that his future includes me, that every scenario he envisions I am in it, that I will give him the best future – but he wants what he has with her as long as possible.

I block his number because he calls like we are friends, demands details of what I am doing and who with – he changes his number and yells at me for blocking him. I try to be friends with him, after all I’ve been friends with all my exes, but he has crushed me in a way that I’ve not experienced, and I don’t know how to cope.

I have no self-pride, there are times that I bend because my heart urges me to and I become the other woman to my own husband, and then he leaves it tattered and shredded because he changes his mind, does not know his own mind.

He tells me he wants me back because:

“I think I want to get back together because I pity you.”

“Insert a myriad of negative comments about his girlfriend here.”

He tells me it’s not about her, that his decision has nothing to do with her.

And I…I feel desperate, like I would give him the world to be in his arms, and I hate that desperation. I hate how he can reach into me and manipulate me so easily. I hate how I feel that I deserve to be alone, or second place. I hate how I feel weak and vulnerable. I hate how I don’t know how to move on yet, I am impatient with myself.

I get angry, and it’s all directed at me.

 Posted by at 8:11 am

  5 Responses to “Back and Forth”

  1. Man. I wish I had your courage, to say out loud all the things I am feeling, at the end of a relationship. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to let anyone know how I feel, hell I don’t want to feel these things. I can so so relate to how you feel, although my situation is very different. I love the way you just spew it out. A very brave thing to do, to admit your vulnerability.
    Well written. Bravo.

  2. I wish I had recorded the end of my marriage in this way. It will be raw, difficult and painful right now, but in the fulness of time it will help you understand. I admire your bravery in posting such personal feelings through this A-Z. xxx

  3. I feel your pain, your vulnerability, your confusion, and I wish you all the strength to find the courage inside to move on, to love yourself and to break it off with him, because I cannot help to think that he is still damaging you in wanting you and then pushing you away again. Be strong, sweetie and be very kind to yourself. You deserve to be happy!

    Rebel xox

  4. Confessional writing is one of the bravest and most healing things we can do. I have pages of writing from the near demise of my own marriage. And going back to it after we started sorting things out has be amazingly helpful. I been able to sort out my fears, my needs…all the things you’ll be able to sort out for future relationships.

    I applaud your honesty. But, I can’t help but say, his words and actions seem very cruel and demeaning. I can’t and won’t judge either of you…it isn’t my place (nor is it anyone’s). But, take care of yourself. Really. xoxo, Brigit

  5. What you deserve is to be loved completely and wholly for who you are in the ways you want to be loved! I’ve felt exactly this way so many times in my life, and the guilt of not being a Strong Woman Whose Self-Love is Enough is worse than the destructive love I feel for someone else. You are strong and you are full of light. x

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