Sep 062016
 

Wicked WednesdayThree weeks after he told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, I became the other woman as he was in a committed relationship to someone else.

Foolishly, we decided to try things that we hadn’t yet. Cutting, something that he did a month prior to our separation with someone else, was something that we had meant to try together but hadn’t yet – and something that I had never tried.

I had no idea he would go as deep as he did, had no idea that the rope and his fingers would pull the cuts wider than just the knife would do.

I had no idea that I would now be scarred…it’s possible for life, as six months later the cut marks are still incredibly evident.

At the time, I felt terrible about agreeing to even being marked by him, but I was desperate to keep him, desperate to still share new and different kinks with him, trusted him to cut me – despite how cruelly he asked for the separation.

Just this past month when I took a picture of the bite marks he gave me

Just this past month when I took a picture of the bite marks he gave me, the knife marks still evident

For months, I saw those marks and felt ashamed and weak about being the other woman, about being that desperate. I felt foolish.

And I was angry at him: immediately afterwards when I realized just how deep they were and months later when he told that he was glad that I still bore the scars so evident on my thighs.

I still took full responsibility for the marks – I went into the situation knowing the risks, consenting, and allowing them.

And now? More than six months later, (today to be exact,) our divorce is final. We are legally no longer married. Yesterday, we decided to stop thinking it would work out (I’ll get into that later, it was the most peacefully we have parted). We had roughly four weeks in seven months (with the majority of the time being this last month), trying to reconcile and overcome the past’s hurtful mistakes. I told him when we were together that the scars wouldn’t bother me as much if we stayed together, because they were marks from him.

But we didn’t stay together…I may always see the scars on my thighs as a moment of weakness, but it is something that I am learning to forgive myself for. I was in love with my husband and I will always love him in some ways. I made a mistake with allowing him to cut me, but it was just that – a mistake. One I can walk away from, learn from, and one that makes me human and deserving of forgiveness.

I don’t think it’s shameful, I don’t think I’m weak, I don’t view myself in a negative light with my actions of the past. It was a weak moment, just that: a moment, and one that I am healing from – both physically and emotionally.

I hope these marks do eventually fade; after all, my thighs have been scarred before with sharpened steel when I used to sword fight and after time they faded into nothingness.

But if they stay, they will not remind me of loss, nor sadness, nor a pathetic action. They will remind me that I have loved, that I can heal, and that I am strong. They will remind me that I can move forward. They will serve as evidence that my perspective can change, and that hope is a powerful emotion – and frankly there’s nothing wrong with that.

*If you read Minx’s comment on that post, Bloody Seconds, I am truly trying to take the advice to heart, and believe that I am ready to view the marks as such.

**Let me be very clear on this: I am not blaming him, nor have I, for these marks. I bear him no ill feelings and wish him the best in his future. 

  8 Responses to “Bloody Review”

  1. This is….heartrendingly beautiful and shows just how strong you are to let yourself be vulnerable. Blessed be.

  2. I think it’s wonderful you can reframe what these marks are. They will always be a reminder but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’m pleased for you that there has been a resolution to what you’ve been going through with him – even though that resolution comes through divorce. Thinking of you my dear. xoxo

  3. Great view on the situation.

  4. I absolutely admire your strength! Good for you to make it positive, to let the scars be ‘proof’ of how strong you are.
    We all make mistakes, and we all have to live with it afterwards. It’s how we handle those things that make us stronger people. And you are one strong woman!

    Rebel xox

  5. I wish you the best as you move forward and away from the marks.

  6. I really like your framework of viewing scars as evidence that you have the ability to heal – that’s a powerful sentiment. <3

  7. […] Bloody Review by Cammies on the Floor If you have been following Cammies blog for some time now, you know what a difficult time she has gone through and actually still is going through. This post demonstrates her immense strength! […]

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