It’s eye opening to see posts bloggers write, that instead of the warm and fuzzies, it’s the reality of life and the struggles we all go through. Like so many people I go through struggles within myself about anxiety, depression, body image, and self worth. I often try to block out negative things in the world around me, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized that a great deal of some of my more recent struggles weren’t perpetuated by media, but rather, quite a bit closer to home. So close, in fact, that they were in the bed next to me… closer still, in my heart. I’m a bit fragile, I realize. I dive in too fast, I give too much, and I live too passionately. There are a great many things in my life that I’ve set up for myself.
In my life, there have been 3 men who are my kryptonite. Bachelor 1) Is honestly one of the most admirable men I know. He somehow manages a military career while balancing being one of the most amazing parents I’ve seen to a child with a disability. To see them together would melt the hardest of hearts. I fell fast because there was nothing about him that wasn’t appealing to me. He wasn’t ready at the time and broke things off. We remained in contact and I watched the pattern repeat, hoping that eventually, he’d be in the mental space and I’d get another chance. He loved that I was so sexually open, and we’d frequently hook up. He tells me what an amazing woman I am, and I hold that in my heart.
Bachelor (of sorts) 2: geez where to start. Everything about this man had me wrapped in a web. Literally as a matter of fact when we’d do rope bondage together. Our BDSM relationship was just made hotter by the absolute mind meld we had. I’ve never been so mentally stimulated in my life and the sex was incredible. The hiccup came when I realized that’s his considered separation ended with him deciding against leaving his marriage. Yes I know, bad A, but frankly I got involved, and then entangled, while he was separating. So when he gave me his, completely sympathetic, reasons for staying, and expressed that he was too attached to me to just let me go, I continued to see him. There were things about us that, I too, wasn’t willing to walk away from.
Bachelor (again, of sorts) 3: our story, which I’ve touched on briefly in one post, and have written more fully in another (yet to be published) is the stuff of dreams. We met on the highway. In moving vehicles on the highway, and it’s a memory I cherish. From the first contact on the phone, I felt at ease. Because of circumstances, we ended up talking for almost a year before we met. I opened the door on the day he finally came over annnd…. That was it. I was home. I’d found the home I didn’t know I was missing in a person I had just met (in real life). This one is particularly hard to describe because it felt almost, sacred. Beyond description. We both fell like rocks. He was separated from his spouse, and sorely missing his children. Later, out of no where, the wife then said she wanted to work on things and in an instant, my perfect relationship was gone. He had disappeared. I was shattered and heartbroken and couldn’t understand. A few months later he contacted me through email and I agreed to meet. We cried together for hours. The pain was so keen for both of us and we couldn’t bear to be apart. I can’t tell you, other than love, why I agreed to see him despite his still being with his wife. They don’t like each other. I know this for a fact. I think fear of change, and fear of being kept from his kids is what keeps him there, the wife stays because she can’t afford to leave financially. It hurt a great deal for me to say I could no longer see him as it wasn’t fair, but yet, I couldn’t help how my heart felt when he’d message me, how much I lit up at merely seeing his name in my inbox.
I’ve been going through a low period lately and was full of self loathing. I often lose my self in thought and tend to be introverted during these times. It was during one of these ruminations that I realized: I was self perpetuating the feelings of being a second class girl, by allowing myself to be treated as a second class girl by these men, and allowing them to think that it’s ok. I’m sure they see nothing wrong.
Having feelings for Bachelor 1 isn’t his fault. Agreeing to see him while he’s in between girlfriends isn’t his fault. However, it speaks volumes about his view of me when he’ll actually date these other women, but never me. It’s a toxic situation and degrading, but yet, that flame of hope is always right there in the background, prompting me to continue to be there. It’s an incredibly similar story for the others. They kept track of me, keep in touch with me, and try to watch over me. No matter the story, or my empathetic response, when it comes down to brass tax, I’m a second class girl to them. I’m good enough to fuck, but not good enough to be with. I understand and support them in their decision of matrimony, I’m not speaking out against that.
The action of holding onto me, turning me into the “side chick” is the problem and degrading. It is decimating my self worth and warping my self view. The most dynamic, compelling, , intense, and satisfying relationships in my life make it incredibly hard for me to walk away. Being on FIRE with someone just makes all the other relationships somehow dull, missing pieces. I feel like an asshole because I’ll still be involved, still be in a relationship where I am valued and treated as nothing less than first place, and it’s tepid… I question myself if I’m just a misery junky, if this is all my fault. I can’t wrap my head around all of it and I never will most likely. I just wish that I could have both. I feel like, I’m worth it… right? I’m worth it? That shouldn’t be an impossible hope. I despair that it will ever happen, and these struggles continue.