Mar 172017
 

Elust 92 Header
Photo courtesy of Steeled Snake

Welcome to Elust 92

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #93 Start with the rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Feeling Forced

NEEDY – a black obsession

Monogamish

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

“One Man Is Not Enough For You.”
blink

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Safewords in Kink Life and in Kink Fiction

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

The Anatomy Lesson
Town whore

Erotic Non-Fiction

The good girl pledge
Good Boy
From Headache to Clit Ache
Daytime: A married Valentines fantasy
Unlocking the Man…with Pieces of Me.

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Three’s Company
I hate the “One Size Fits All” approach
Safewords in Kink Life and in Kink Fiction
How great would it be if…

Poetry

Roadside Stand: A Lusty Limerick

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Dirty Money

Events

Looking back at our Eroticon Weekend

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Waiting and waiting and waiting

 

 

Elust 88

Feb 252017
 

Silverdrops toy box header
Photo courtesy of Silverdrops Toybox

Welcome to Elust 91

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #92 Start with the rules, come back March 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Forcing Growth

In Stitches

The Instrument and the Ornament

 

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Imagine? You Might Wish You Hadn’t!
she’s picture perfect

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Morning Stretch

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Amber alert
Spanking: Chapter One
‘How To’ Femdom Series
Play it safe
Formative Kink: “The Happy Hooker”

Erotic Non-Fiction

Follow Your Heart
Humiliating Raylene: Kissing Lynette
THREESOME – prepared
Leaving Questions Unanswered

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Genital shame in the news
Cock and Balls Sling Demonstration

Poetry

Chastity, No Boner: A Lusty Limerick
Roleplay (inna damp, dark alley)

Erotic Fiction

Portraits of You
Addicted
Words of Fuck

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Nothing good can come from this
UNCLEAN: Dirty, Sweaty, Filthy, Messy Sex

Events

GRUE

 

 

Elust 88

Feb 122017
 

Happy Valentine's DaySo I looked up on my own blog “Valentine” to see how I’ve reflected on this over the years. It’s been a mix: happy with photo prompts (pictured here) but my writing shows how I overall view the holiday. In one piece of fiction, I write about how the character breaks up with their partners the day before – which is something I used to do in my youth. In another piece of fiction I wrote about how a character was done being second when they should have been first – sadly something that echoed why I didn’t write anything related to Valentine’s Day last year.

Last year, my husband turned me (and family) away hours before we were to be reunited after months of choosing separation to help with transitions and failed attempts at polyamory. I just recently tweeted about how I haven’t felt the same since, and it’s very true. But even when we were married, I didn’t see him much for Valentine’s Day – the all-too demanding price of being a military spouse.

This year, I was given an idea by a coworker of how to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Mr. Texas would rather have the romantic couple’s night, but he’s on board and supporting me as he does best.

My table is set and beautiful and Texas is going to make a nice dinner. We are raising some teenagers, and two of them are special needs and may not have a relationship for some time. I don’t want anyone to feel alone when there are people around who do love them – and I would not have survived last year if I didn’t have the support of friends and family. So, we embracing Valentine’s Day message of love but directing it at people who matter most – family and those that support you best. I even invited some single relatives.

I’ve already warned the kids that we are going to go around the table and say nice things about each other so they better be prepared (a challenge for one or two, it seems). It’s a day to show appreciation, a day to sit down with each other (though family dinners are rather important to me) and express the positives.Wicked Wednesday
Febraury Photofest

Jan 302017
 

Wicked Wednesday

A post about the last three months choosing my favorite or most revealing photos and posts and giving some background information; also listing accomplishments. I’m also going to be showcasing a blogger that I absolute adore each month with some favorite postings of theirs (hopefully I can showcase at least six bloggers this year as last year that’s at least what I got to).

November:

“After seeing the body of my sister, I was desperate to be held, to be fucked, to forget for at least moments the day’s events. I texted a friend, David… I was passed around and cuddled with a few friends as we watched the shows – have I mentioned enough how much I miss these people? There’s something that I found in this area that I’m just not finding in my new state.” – Supportive Friends

At the end of October, my vibrant and brilliant sis, A, died unexpectedly. I traveled back to where I just moved away from to deal with her death and was reminded just how fortunate I was to have such great friends. When dealing with soul crushing loss, it’s important to have a support system, and for the days that I was there and face to face with my grief, I was lucky to be surrounded by friends. I also showed growth in that I reached out to have sex in a more comfortable setting than a one night stand by contacting a friend.

Photo: This month I sorted through so many of my sister’s photos and tried to show case just how beautiful and creative she was as a celebration to what she had already done and never shown.

Accomplishment: Memories, a writing found in drafts that my sister wrote, and honored in Wicked Wednesday’s roundup.

An Often Read Blogger: Girl on the Net.  She’s capable of turning me on, of ranting about some things that should be tackled, of making my laugh, of inspiring my own writing.  Don’t Tell Me Sucking Dick is Easy and it’s brilliantly angry. I am insulted that someone would ever claim that fellatio is easy or simple. She writes A Story About Hard Fucking due to confidence. There is nothing hotter than the attitude my partner has that she describes in such sexy detail. Where are all the pervy women,  about not only where they are (everywhere), and not as fantasy-like as the question may insinuate, but why they may be hard to find. Girl on the Net takes on a position on something debated about in a way only she can: Faking Orgasms isn’t as Bad as You Think.  Sometimes in faking an orgasm, I have pushed myself to have a real one. And I love when he cums. A hot read is why she likes Butt Plugs. Then there’s such a fascinating story of worthless tokens which have a wealth of meaning; an excellent way to handle conflicts.

December:

  • “I viewed my sister’s body and can no longer deny that she is dead;
  • I cried hysterically as I laid my head next to hers;
  • I stroked her glorious hair (she had amazing hair);
  • I say a tentative goodbye (I know there’s many more);
  • I comforted my father – a man that rarely even expresses emotions;
  • I bemoaned why there would even be a viewing – how morbid!
  • I get drunk at lunch as my father keeps ordering more and more drinks.
  • I go back to the bed that she used to sleep in and take a long nap.
  • My friends hear about my day and graciously kidnapped me,
  • We head towards a kink event which was at a swinger’s club,
  • I am distracted by the wonderful performances of my skilled friends,
  • I am kissed and cuddled by David,
  • I have incredibly public sex with David,
  • I ride the sybian,
  • He rides the sybian.
  • And then I said goodbye to friends and he took me back to my sister’s house,
  • where during the ride home I tell him for the first time I just lost my sister and he reacted very compassionately” – David Holds Me

David and I had a busy night following an incredibly stressful day. I know that sometimes I turn to sex the way others turn to a drug, but I am learning my own limitations with doing so. I still get out of comfort zones and do things I normally wouldn’t when truly stress as a form of escape, but am seeking more supportive environments to do so. And let me mention again that I am so lucky to have such amazing friends.

:Photo: I’ve been learning to play with a violet wand.

Accomplishment: Writing About It All, honored in Wicked Wednesday’s roundup

An Often Read Blogger: A Slave to MasterI’m going to do this blogger a huge disservice in not really quoting any of her more spectacular posts. I also don’t comment all that often (of course, recently I don’t comment much at all on anyone). But she writes regularly, honestly, and often in such a hot manner. I can’t always envision myself in her situations, she has a different mindset than I do, but that is what makes her spectacular.

January: 

“It’s a scary step.

I still fight the feeling that I need to stand on my own, that I need to find myself amid all this chaotic life changing loss, that I am relying on another so heavily.

I have always been the reliable one, the one that my family and even my ex husband relied on, the stead fast one, always known who I was, what I wanted, and how to get there.

I’ve no clue anymore. My heart is shattered in so many pieces I am shocked that anyone wants to hold the slivers and be in my broken company.

Maybe, even if I’m doing this wrong or for the wrong reasons, it’s what is right for right now.

And maybe it’s time I set aside my worry and allow Mr. Texas to soothe my vulnerability with love (and yes, even opening myself up to another potential loss).” – Crash

January saw me acknowledging how important Mr. Texas is in my life and opening myself up to be vulnerable again. It also was a final acceptance that I have no clue about my own life right now and I feel utterly lost. I hope I find myself again – I’m not all bad.

:Photo

Accomplishment: Kayla Lords mentioned my post Pavlov’s Music in her weekly newsletter. 

An Often Read Blogger: Graydancer.Naiia BoundThis is also the first person to ever tie me, so I may slightly prejudice. Ever have a passion or dream and follow it as a career? Graydancer has. He has many different blogs, a podcast, travels extensively to present an unusual concept: an unconference at both Ropenspace with Murphy Blue, and GRUE, not to mention all the other classes/events/communities he participates or teaches at. I especially like to read him at  Love. Life. Practice…  A guest presenter, Naiia Bound,  that you can find at his blog discusses some hard topics like Kink and Depression, and growing older in kink and dealing with some of the complications that brings.

 

Jan 242017
 


Photo courtesy of Rebel’s Notes

Welcome to Elust 90

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #91 Start with the rules, come back February 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Conflicted part 1

Glow

Happy Endings

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Please You to Please Me

How to suck my cock – part 1 (attitude)

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Visions of Sugarplums

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Writing About Writing

The Curious Case of Trigger Warnings
Writing About It All

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

PLEASING THE MISTRESS
Reader Q&A: Dominant women struggle, turn-ons
Chastity Questions
Not every hole is a goal

Erotic Non-Fiction

A Picture is Worth…
Morning Stretch
Lovemaking Almost Too Brilliant To Describe
The GP
I Want
Indescribable Pleasure
Humiliating an ex-Nazi: Raylene’s 2nd dozen
Preparation
I love big, fat dicks

Erotic Fiction

Dude, You’re Wet!
When Love Becomes a Weakness
On a Silver Platter
The Silent Treatment
A Seasonal Affair
Three in a Stall
Schoolgirl Uniform
The New Principal 4: Escape

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Anal Retentive Or Just OCD?

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

BuzzFeed Femdom

Poetry

-06.01.17_13:22-
Mistletoe: A Lusty Limerick

 

Elust 88

Jan 132017
 

An item on my 101 things list, an ABC and 123 of me:

A – affectionate, amorphous, amateur

B – beguiled, bittersweet, blogger, brazen

C – creative, careless, civil

D – damaged, decisive, deflated, devilish, disheveled, dirty, disgruntled, dreamer

E – energetic, emotional, eager, educated, excited

F – fanciful, fair, fearful, firstborn, flexible, focused

G – gutsy, grieving, gluttonous, gracious, gloomy, generous, gentle

H – handful, halting, hardworking, haphazard, headstrong

I – impulsive, independent, irritable, immoral, intimate, intense, injured, idealistic

J – just, jaded, jubiliant

K – kind, kinky, knowledgeable

L – lover, lecherous, labelled, layered, little

M – muted, maternal, merciful, minx, maddening

N – naughty and nice, neglectful, nagging, naive, nerdy, needy

O – open-minded, opinionated, offbeat

P – playful, passionate, patronizing, pale, petulant

Q – quaint, qualified, quick, quirky

R – reactive, radiant, ready, real, reckless, readable

S – spontaneous, silly, sexual, sheepish, slippery

T – taboo, trying, tired, trustful, terrified, talkative

U – uncensored, unsteady

V –  visceral, voluptuous, vulnerable, vibrant, vocal

W – willful, weakened, wet, wild, wanderlust, warm, wanting

X – XXXVIII

Y – yielding, yearning, youthful

Z – zany, zippy

0 – grandparents still alive

1 – vehicle

2 – children

3 – other children that are like my own

4 – my favorite time to wake up

5 – random sex hook ups during slutfest

6 – my birth month

7 – about the time that I become absolutely worthless in energy

8 – the age when the sexual abuse stopped for me

9 – how many memes that I’ve participated in that have since retired

Jan 112017
 

Wicked WednesdayAnticipation is the biggest form of foreplay for me. Let me repeat that: the biggest form of foreplay. Making plans, picking out toys, seeing the look in his eyes, hearing the words…all those are anticipation moments. Taking a breath and holding it as I wait to see what he will do next as he pauses, even during the moment it’s foreplay.

So here are some moments I’ve written:

“For me, foreplay is even better if there is anticipation of what’s to occur; I don’t want to know the details, as a matter of fact, I orgasm harder if I don’t know the play-by-play, however I’m already worked up when he tells me that he has plans for me, that I need to prepare/rest/make the time for a long session.”My Best Orgasms

It began with a request for the misery stick and wax, after a long and trying period of not seeing each other. I had fantasized about him all day, touching myself periodically throughout the day in anticipation.”Melding Pleasure and Pain

“As tempting a sight as that is, get naked and lay on the bed,” he commanded, and she felt herself tightening in anticipation. She scurried to get up, in such a rush to discard her clothing that she cast them upon the little box.”The Darkness

“There was a lot of tension, as we stood there in there in the shower fully naked, facing each other. We had never been alone and naked for one. For another, we were moving a long term friendship into something more for truly the first time. I was the first to break eye contact and moved past him…”Moving Beyond Friendship

“My emotions spiraled out, sense was disoriented, expectation unreasonable, tangled hopes, exaggerated emotions. And then the moment came, and the world was still, and all of the many people surrounding me ceased to exist…”Welcome Home

And if I do know what to expect, sometimes that adds a whole different flavor of anticipation:

“Sometimes, it’s worse knowing what to expect. Our second time doing a scene together, the bruises on my thighs already healed a few weeks from the last time, and now I knew that in this scene they would bruise and tender to the touch again…I tensed in anticipation, my body fighting rather than surrendering to the sensations of his body weight pressing intentionally from behind the already rope-gripped top of my thighs. My back arched a bit more; I would have clung to the ground or clawed it if my hands weren’t tied behind my back. Previously, how had I dealt with this so easily to the point where I was barely aware?”Standing Expectation

And sometimes it’s a glorious mind game to work against my expectations:

“Sitting in front of him, exhausted and sweaty from the pain of our scene, I thought that he was going to untie the chest harness. He had already unbound my legs, ran his graceful hands over heated skin in the wake of the rope, so next up was my chest untied. Right?

Nope…

Even coming down from the spacey high of the scene, my unconscious background noise was beginning all over again, a realization made evident only when my wrong assumption was brought to light. Proven wrong, the wisps of vague notions of what I should be doing and how I’m doing stilled…

His fingers again went to the base of my skull, soothed at a slow pace, yet I still found myself tensing, waiting…hoping.”When I thought the Scene Was Done

I’ve even been inspired to write a whole thought process of anticipating in remembrance:

“Thoughts overtake me. Walking, attempting to sleep, sitting down, in the company of others when it’s not appropriate the thoughts rush my body. Wicked imaginings: I envision you. Heat, moans, a quickening of the breath, water pouring down us both. Guilty pleasures flash through my head, bad but oh so good. Whispers of limits, shattered lines, softly uttered curses, religious prayers, and begging of need. Feeling, taste, sight, overwhelming my body, forcing my breaths heavy, devastating my senses. Becoming an obsession, addiction, a drug I need inside my body. Oh the things I need to do to you:  I yearn to have my lips, my tongue, and my hands all over your body, my body gliding along yours. Memories flashing, burning through my head, coursing down my body.  A tightening of where I crave you most. Stop, but to no avail; I bite my lip.  So amazing, overpowering, consuming, fulfilling. Each thought of you my body begs for your touch, careless that it can’t partake. Tender from bittersweet pleasures, a physical reminder of what was. Erotic. Pulsating. Throbbing, hot, wet. Oh God, just once more, one chance encounter, one moment, but it won’t be enough, just a slight cooling and releasing until the next buildup. I’ve had a taste, I desire more. A memory to savor, torture on cold nights. I can already hear my moans for more, sense my body arching towards yours. Anticipation. Waiting. Aching for the moment. I think of you and my blood pounds, excitement mounting. I can feel your deep breathing next to my ear; eyes conveying longing, your desire pressing hard and ready against my skin. Your lips gently pulling on mine. Our bodies entwined, unable to deny urges. Can’t get enough; you’ve taken over my thoughts, my body now powerless to our yearnings. We shouldn’t, so good, stop, please I need you. I can’t alleviate it, I won’t resist, no longer want to. Make me feel the things I crave. I can almost savor you in my mouth, your hands gently in my hair, compelling me on. Smell you on my skin, a stimulating, impetuous scent. Feel you in my body, overwhelming, pushing, engulfing. When I was mindless with heady passion, not yet you said softly then, the words no truer than now. But like then, it’s only a matter of time. Bad thoughts…guilty pleasures.” – Guilty Pleasures

Jan 022017
 

“People are surprised you are able to keep on going at all, they compliment you all the time. They are surprised you haven’t crashed,” Mr. Texas commented, when I lamented that I haven’t been writing recently. I’ve barely been surviving on the domestic front either. Everything seems such a struggle.

“I am shocked I haven’t crashed yet either, I feel like it’s around every corner, could happen at any moment,” I replied, lying in bed, recovering from jet lag as I watched him wrap him Christmas presents that I had bought but had no energy to wrap after traveling to another country.

Mr. Texas takes excellent care of me, so much so that I’ve officially moved in with him. He even added that he felt like perhaps I won’t crash the way I fear because he is here to support me, not to mention that I’m on medicine right now to help me limp along with my emotional wreckage of a life. I hadn’t been sleeping to the point where I could no longer function – it’s amazing what some sleep and emotional stability can provide to functioning.

So let’s catch up my life to speed:

2016 greeted me with my husband wanting a divorce – which ripped my heart out and left me a shadow of my former self. The divorce also left me abandoned in my former hometown, looking for a new job and away from my support system of friends and my sister.

Somehow, during this stressful period, two men have been kind enough to care for me: Mr. Texas and The Wanderer. My relationship with both of them has been rocky, especially reconciling with my ex husband briefly, but they are supportive and patient through my struggles.

Before I felt fully myself from the divorce, my baby sister died unexpectedly. My family leaned on me, the way they always have for some odd reason (they say it’s because I’m the most responsible and strongest though I feel far from that), but I simply could not handle even the littlest things reeling from another loss so dear to my heart.

Mr. Texas, throughout it all, has held me and stepped up when I simply couldn’t stand on my own. We have a ton of issues – mostly coming from my end, but after my sister died and sex and hurty rope didn’t offer the comfortable escape I sought, Mr. Texas simply opened up his arms and held me through the tears, kissed and beat and fucked my body until I temporarily could seek release from it all.

When he wasn’t around, I fought the sleeplessness; the admitting that I needed help, counseling, medicine; limped along in my job and fought panic attacks; I binged ate and forgot to eat. Time and time again I kept coming over to his house, our kids blending seamlessly and he offered home cooked meals, wine, hot tub, comfort.

He offered home.

He changed his work schedule (a rare opportunity in the military) to help me with school schedules, painted bedrooms and negotiated with all the kids involved to make space personalized for everyone.

I don’t know if we’re suited: he was very vanilla but is now open minded enough to accept my want of polyamory, finds himself liking and even craving the kinkier intimate moments and the social communities; for myself, I wanted the freedom that older kids came with and exploring my outgoing kink lifestyle yet now find that home makes me content most days. It may be a fleeting acceptance on both of our parts but we are willing to see where it goes.

It’s a scary step.

I still fight the feeling that I need to stand on my own, that I need to find myself amid all this chaotic life changing loss, that I am relying on another so heavily.

I have always been the reliable one, the one that my family and even my ex husband relied on, the stead fast one, always known who I was, what I wanted, and how to get there.

I’ve no clue anymore. My heart is shattered in so many pieces I am shocked that anyone wants to hold the slivers and be in my broken company.

Maybe, even if I’m doing this wrong or for the wrong reasons, it’s what is right for right now.

And maybe it’s time I set aside my worry and allow Mr. Texas to soothe my vulnerability with love (and yes, even opening myself up to another potential loss).
Wicked Wednesday

Dec 282016
 

I had every intention of sharing one of my favorite bloggers every month. My every intention has vanished this year with far too many transitions that crashed upon me. So I figured I’d share the six that I did share before I seriously cut back on showcasing others. 

A Dissolute Life Means

She writes honestly, and often raw. She exposes her more vulnerable self and is often unapologetic about who she is and what she needs. She often writes about seeing multiple men, one of my favorites is when she poetically uses a carousel analogy. I love how beautifully she writes, how being with these men doesn’t diminish her want of something more permanent but she is accepting of the fun as it comes along. I also share how she is hopeful and jaded in imagining a future with every lover she encounters. Another of her posts that I love is how she leads with her sexuality and that it is okay for her to do so, something that took me a long time to recognize in myself. Even when she writes about Casual Sex Rules, she beautifully weaves a story. A fantastic writer.

Molly’s Daily Kiss

She writes most often about a D/s life, the sex blogging community, and observations about sexuality and outlooks. She makes me think often, one such was about tools you need to be a Dom, with the things listed were not I first thought of – they’re far more important. But it is often her writing erotica or fantasies that get me so much, for example a scene based on location; wherein her husband also writes with his own musings. The entire thing turned me on so much, as well as this scene describing a slow build up of anticipation; it is moments like this which fuel my desire far more than touching. She is also the most influential sex blogger that I can think of.

Rebel’s Notes

Another seriously influential sex blogger, she hosts memes like Wicked Wednesday, Sexy Searching, The Menopause Diaries, and the Oral Sex Project. She is my number one supporter and commenter – I don’t know if I would continue to pursue different ways of writing if it wasn’t for her. She is bold with her photos, brave in her Scavenger Hunt photos. She writes of her D/s journey and is honest in her own faults. She has a relationship that I am envious of. Her erotic fiction is pretty hot as well.

Malin James

She writes from a deeply intimate and introspective manner, between the sexual and the psyche, though her stories more often seem to be fiction. She often writes with a dark seductive tone and I love it, like Lonely Things. But when she does write personally, it inspires me, like the notes to her younger self and I appreciated how lovingly reflective it is. It inspired me to think about it and make it a goal of mine to write similarly. Something that echoed painfully and eloquently with me was: This is What I Mean when I Say I Love You. She also discusses writing with the The Semantics of Sex, specifically the words “making love” and “fuck”.

Tamsin Flowers

Tamsin Flowers participated in the #AtoZChallenge and did it brilliantly, but her favorite posts with me include the sense of hearing. She writes a post based on a song, Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies. She writes a take on The Little Mermaid, and not do I love fairy tales, it is an amazingly sexy erotica for a woman who is speechless. She also wrote about sounds and silence eloquently, which was hot and bittersweet all at the same time.

Easily Aroused

Easily Aroused is so often a writer who gets me going every time, with such beautiful erotica. Even in experiencing a new, and taboo, activity he writes gorgeously. This man seriously (and unknowingly) seduces me across a computer screen with his words, like Elemental, or Striation. Even something that made me sad with the loss and betrayal, still turned me on.

 

Dec 112016
 

It’s very hard to reflect and expose my own faults in writing, and I guess I do a pretty good job as Texas read the blog and comments on all the mistakes I made in my marriage. He is concerned, of course, because he sees me taking a hard stance on polyamory and he read about how I pushed that agenda in my marriage.

He thinks I will let go of another relationship in my quest for something that I don’t even time for, nor am even sure it it would be better.

Perhaps he is right, but I also am learning from my past mistakes and I do not wish to pursue a monogamous relationship and hurt another with a commitment I struggle to keep.

It’s very hard to reflect and expose my own faults in writing, especially revealing the decisions that I make that are often looked down upon, yet I do because I am human and I want to share the very human moments of my life. It opens me up to judgment on a very public forum, it allows those that know me intimately to see my flawed past and inner thoughts.

For example, I fully embrace my sluttiness – I find nothing wrong in pursuing physical relationships to those that I have a connection with. Sometimes, however, I use sex for the wrong reasons – to feel a connection to someone where it doesn’t exist, like I did after my marriage ended during Slutfest. During a vulnerable time in my life, I shared with whomever read me the unconventional actions that I pursued. It caused my ex husband to dislike me further and use it against me whenever we spoke, his girlfriend to use it to her advantage (not to mention that she had a public forum for her own commenting on a later post), for my new relationships to judge me.

Of course, I also learned from that, and while I used sex to feel close to someone during another weak moment in my life, it was a friend after the death of my sister, so it was a decision that brought me comfort when I needed it. Sure, I also engaged in very public sex whereas I normally wouldn’t, so there are moments where I still make decisions that are unlike me though I don’t see anything wrong with that either.

And that brings me to here: the main reason why it’s very hard to reflect and expose my own faults in writing, because I reveal my pain and expose my vulnerabilities. I can’t quite define why I feel the urge to write about the darker times alongside the glorious ones. Why did I write up and then share the very painful moments of my divorce, of being so casually cast aside for another, of being pathetic and desperate to hold onto him?

Why, now, do I write about losing my baby sister, the one who began this site with me? Why do I share that hurt so publicly, the decisions and the heartache exposing me even more?

It’s not for views – those plummet the minute life overwhelms me as it has this year and I stop working behind the scenes on things. It’s not for popularity – as these vulnerable moments of sadness don’t get the views, nor do I have the heart to truly promote them. It’s not sexy. And I’m still only sharing the sexual/relationship issues, so I’m not being diverse in who I am here.

I am just a person stumbling through a rough year. I’ve moved across country, said goodbye to all my friends, been discarded as a wife, had two new jobs, been a slut, a grieving sister, and a woman truly struggling to find relationships and connections that work for me throughout it all.

It sucks, but here I am, writing about it all.
Wicked Wednesday