Apr 132017
 

“You never hear of the bullet that hits you, it is one of the few blessings of battle.” – Burke Davis, Marine! the Life Chesty Puller

My ex-husband wrote me a list of reasons why he loved me and our life together one week before I drove out to be with him, a drive that he turned me away from him once I arrived. With texts like this, perhaps it may make sense on why I didn’t see the bullet that killed us. Hello purging, glad you are now deleted from my phone.

  • I love the way you look at me when we wake up together, that sparkle in your eyes and that smile you get, especially when you know we are about to have some wonderful morning sex.
  • I love the way you are willing to jump into anything.
  • I like it when you take control, it makes me go crazy and turns me on so much like nothing else.
  • I love how giddy you get when we are going or doing something new!
  • I also like how you try to involve everybody and don’t let people feel left out.
  • I love how we are each others biggest fans and supporters.
  • I love how we drive and encourage each other to be the best that we can, even when it sucks to do so.
  • I love how we can just talk forever and not stop.
  • I can not wait to finally really go RV shopping with you!
  • I love you too, soulmate. Copilot to the open roads.
  • Our home will have a hide away library/romper room we will spend hours in…..
  • We will be those people that will have a map of the United States and get stickers to fill in the entire thing!
  • I am going to have my mini pitbull and you will have your Pom and we will happily fit in the home and RV
  • We are going to be busy people when we retire. There is so much traveling we need to do, not just in the RV but all I’ve r the world. We have talked so much about our worldly travels we will have and I can not wait to begin them. I mean I get to be stuck on a plane with you for over 8 hours that is a great start!
  • Another thing I love about you and I, we get each other what we want.
  • When we retire and build our own house, I will put in a beautiful garden and maybe a green house, so we can have wonderful flower year round.
  • I can’t wait to start exploring this new area with you!

Apr 122017
 

“Play hard to get, remain silent, scared, and dramatically emotional,” Joy repeated to herself, closing the big red book of Fairy Tales upon her perch of the toadstool. She nodded to herself for extra measure, felt the breeze stir the fringes of her tutu skirt, rubbed her toes together for comfort, and laid the book beside her. She arched into the sunlight, welcomed the warming rays upon her bare arms and face, and closed her eyes, trying to remember the rest of what she’d learned about non humans trying to get humans to love them.

She’d like Beast’s methods best, but he was a male. She looked down at her breasts and giggled, nope…she just didn’t possess enough fur to carry it off and take the woman like he did. Besides, she had her sights set on a man. Of course, maybe men liked that sort, but her extensive research did not indicate that. She had read what men really liked.

He was long, but then again they all looked a bit long when one was tiny. He had the most beautiful garden, and seemed kind. She loved how what he was focused on reflected so beautifully on the lenses of his glasses. She hoped to be reflected there one day, with his luscious lips smiling at her in love.

She stood up, squared her shoulders, stretched her wings and let those embrace the breeze and sun before flitted to the nearby ground. She squinted her eyes and held her breath after casting, realized that wasn’t the most flattering, and forced herself to relax as all the fairies seemed to. Eloquence, grace, she repeated. A few seconds went by: a deep breath and her eyes opened to the grass so far below her she could barely distinguish the toadstool. She worried for the briefest of moments if she made herself too long, but worrying just wasn’t in her nature, so she shrugged and off she headed towards the man’s yard.

Not that Joy headed far, she simply stepped a few times, in awe of heavy she seemed against the earth, her feet slightly sinking in damp dirt, and reached for over the short gate to his gorgeous garden. A quick twist of the lock, a slight push of the creaky contraption, and she entered the path, immediately being surrounded by the lovely fragrance of roses and flowers. This was by far her favorite season, made her think of sex amid all the perfumed sweetness.

This year she was going to attempt a different type of sex, her family always did mention just how her curiosity got the better of her. It was such fun discovering new things. As she walked past the blooms, before she was already visible in the garden, she could already envision once he saw her he would stand up and gaze at her beauty. She would pretend to just notice him and turn back towards the bushes and climbing vines as if to seek shelter, but he would take her hand and guide into the sunshine in the center of his yard. She would smile coyly, a move she had been practicing, and would shyly kneel before him.

Men, she read, loved blow jobs, a sex called oral, and so he would be surprised when she kneeled in front of him but wouldn’t stop her. She would reach for his pants and pull out his penis. According to her reasearch, this was where individual preference mattered, so she would purse her lips and start blowing softly before she increased the intensity to hard blowing. She liked the breeze upon her wings, so she supposed a human male’s penis might appreciate the air she created across. Sucking she couldn’t imagine would create the same air stream, but supposedly that was important too, so she would suck in great lungful of air and would look up with him with eyes that looked like puppies and he would smile his appreciation at her gift, falling in love with her.

The tricky part was, according to the fairy tales, they would be married immediately but she didn’t want that part, only the falling in love and sex part; so she would have to run away once he proposed. But she would blow him a kiss behind her shoulder and wink to let him know there were no hard feelings, and try not to giggle (as was her nature) until she was once again in her natural form. (The tales also shared she would die a painful death if she didn’t succeed, but of course she would, she always did.)

Joy couldn’t wait to see the look on his face as she gave him what all men wanted so much they fell in love. She quickened her steps.
Wicked Wednesday

*Wicked Wednesday is on nature this week. Click to see what inspires others.

Aug 232016
 

Wicked WednesdayI know many of us suffer from it, but forgive me, dear readers and followers and friends: I am busy. I am so busy that it’s all I can do to not go to sleep the minute work ends and I still have to get dinner going, kids cared for, the house straightened.

Forgive me, beautiful bloggers that I enjoy engaging with, I am not reading much. It is all I can do to occasionally post a couple of times a week (a compromise with my husband is that I cannot post things about other people so I have to create content instead of grabbing a draft I’ve written on busy days), and try to read/comment on what I can participate in. I am not reading my blog roll, I am barely engaging on Twitter (and even then my husband commented that my grammar sucks because it’s on my phone on the go so I’m not checking my own words).

So what am I doing?

Well, I’m helping to run a new program at my work that the people higher than me have decided, with all these lofty goals (and they are great goals), but have no idea what it looks like or how to effectively accomplish it. So a few of us are trying our best to make it succeed, but it’s a bit like being dudes/damsels in distress tied to the train tracks watching the train approach and knowing that soon things will crash in a terrible ending.

Before I even go to work, I am working out many mornings: one reason is I quickly figured out I have zero energy for this after work, and another reason is that I have a goal to lose half an inch of body measurement (my husband’s constant prompting) for the month of August (have you heard I make lists and goals?) Also on my goal list for August is that I lose 5 pounds, so even on days that I am seriously stressed and just don’t have the motivation to work out, I am trying to change stress eating towards more healthy eating (beautiful Rebel inspired this).

I’m also sending my eldest off to a different country to study abroad for a year. Yikes, and oh so scary but exciting for both of us. I’m proud of the strong, independent, responsible adult that I have raised and hope many more dreams come true with some hard work and a plan. Meanwhile, in a few weeks, you will find me drunk, in tears, and trying to console myself that everything will be okay…and it will.

School also started, and with that kids’ schedules/juggling things around: getting them to and from destinations and after school activities, not to mention homework. To get off of work and help with homework and establishing those routines again is a bit rocky at first. We’ll get into the swing of things soon enough and this should allow some space into my schedule to again begin reading and writing – if nothing else I can do this as I sit beside the homework littering a table, on my laptop.

My husband and I are reconciling, and that is a damn hard uphill battle. We have over six months of history where we have completely shut down the best friends aspect between us, not to mention the mistakes we made during the course of our marriage. In the past few weeks, I’ve even let this dream slip a bit as my communication hasn’t been what it needs to be to establish a feeling of connection between us, and I feel terrible about this and will work harder to remedy this. Have I mentioned that we also are long distance with half a day’s drive between us? So seeing him hasn’t been easy, and I am becoming buried in work on the weekends. Have I also mentioned that I have never been so in love with a man like I am with him? I miss our friendship, our sex, our love, our dreams, our marriage – it will all be worth this uphill climb when we find our way back to each other.

I am also working really hard in slowing down my life and what I commit to – because I deserve to breathe. I am working hard on changing my mindset to believing that I am strong and independent (the way I am raising my kids to believe but somehow have forgotten to view myself). I deserve love, respect, relaxation, excitement, happiness. Most importantly: I am working hard to fall in love with myself. You may have noticed my daily commentary on Twitter (which is much harder than I imagined it would be, and which sometimes I barely remember to pause and reflect enough to write).

I would like nothing more than for things to clear up, to take time to read, and a relaxation bubble bath.

I would like nothing more than for things to clear up, have time to read, and a relaxing bubble bath.

I know life will slow down – I also realize that I need to change how much I am allowing work to take its toll on me.

I truly miss the relationships that I’ve built online with reading (and relating) to so many of you. I miss writing (and reflecting) about my relationships with others (and myself) here in this space. But I will breathe, love, and know that everything will be okay.

 

Oct 022015
 
unknown erotica cammies on the floor 6
skype mutual masterbation 2
army, make her famous 2
responses to yummy 1
prince albert penis pics 1

Sexy Searching reveals one of my biggest fantasies: the unknown. It’s going to take readers to this fantasy, and also a book review that explores why this fantasy may be so desirable.

I have a fantasy where I am shared by my partner (has to be shared so I know that they at least know and trust and person). But I have no clue who this person is because I am bound and blindfolded. I also am thinking I would like to be gagged, so that I cannot be my curious self and try to reach out to the person for a confession of who they are, nor can my words  of “no” or “stop” halt them (though some safe word/action would be in place, as well as my husband who knows when I’ve hit my limit).

Absolved on the ability to do anything creates a feeling of blamelessness of fulfilling this dark fantasy of mine. There’s the true reason I want to be bound – I cannot escape my own desires, and in doing so I am free to accept what is being done to me. I don’t have to behave, control myself, perform in any way, I can simply be a vessel of pleasure and pain. I am passive, a complete opposite to who I normally am.

I am also blindfolded so I don’t know who this person is, adding an unknown variable and tiny bit of fear and uncertainty to keep this a bit hotter for me.

Perel states that unknown factors increase excitement and desire, hence the giddy love-rush feelings at first. But unknown isn’t synonymous with security, so we seek to make each other more known in a commitment: “to control the risks of passion, you have tamed it out of existence.” (Perel, 10)

As a side note: even reading other bloggers really helps my own sex life. It has made me curious to try new things, to get out of my comfort zones, to point towards someone else’s words who have more effectively communicated wants that I’ve been trying to tell my husband. There are even some great videos that bloggers provide to offer how-to for so many numerous kinks. – Unknown Leads to Desire

Perhaps this compares to New Relationship Energy, where two partners are excited at the prospect, the adventure, the not knowing each other and discovering. I can explore this type of energy with my own husband, in exploring BDSM, my kinky self, and even enacting (or even just confessing to) my fantasies. I have experienced this unknown variable without having additional partners, though of course I long to push the limits even further in this fantasy of being shared – but my husband is still present in this dream, to add that security, to make it feel safe and acceptable, to “control the risks of passion”.

Though in a way, it feels like he would be protecting the risks from myself.

#SexySearching

 Posted by at 8:55 am
Sep 042015
 

A long time ago, M wrote about me in Sisterly Specific.

I’ve been intending to write about M for some time now. But how to do it? I sometimes feel mere words wouldn’t do an adequate enough job.

Since we were younger, M was apart. She was her own person, even as a teenager. She didn’t need the parents who were lacking in our lives, she frankly got along in life better without them. Starting at 15 M made very real pleas to have the care of me, she could do a better job at it anyway, than any of the dismal arrangement my parents made.

In school we had a trite assignment to write about our heroes, an undertaking I did with relish, pages of all the reasons why, in my eyes, my sister seemed almost mystical.

Not that she was a paragon of virtue…

As we got older, she finally stopped locking me in closets. She got me drunk for the first time at 10, in defiance of our parents being, to borrow a British term, prats. She covered for me when I started my escapades with boys.

She fought fiercely for me. She was the constant I could count on, even when she was going her own way.

She had her daughter young. And when people would gear up for criticism, she shoved it all in their faces by being frankly, a better mother than most. She worked diligently, going to college, working, raising her daughter… She was adulting better than her own parents before she even hit 20. I’m not sure where she got this strength and fortitude from, there were certainly no examples in our family, and that added to the awe in which I regarded her.

Friends and men. They were always drawn to her. M has a quiet vivaciousness. Some mistake her for shy. Nothing could be further from the truth one you get to know her. She flirts with the ease of breathing, artlessly. She’s completely oblivious to the fact that she does so. She’s never jealous of others. Instead she admires their qualities and strives to improve herself. She sees beauty in others, and is never hesitant to compliment them, be they friend or stranger. She sees each person for their own merit, and isn’t influenced by the opinions of others when forming her own… This sometimes drives me batty when I loath someone with the fire of a thousand suns.

M oozes her own sensuality, unintended, but undeniable. She always has. Our mother had the curious inclination to dress her quite scantily as a teenage. Our best guess is she was living vicariously. M never had the desire to show of her body. She was graced with the extremely petite build and large breasts of our forbearers. Which she diligently tried to hide. She has graceful hips that carry her in a seductive sway. She works hard on her body, and jokes that she only does so so that she can eat brownies; a weakness of hers. I truly wish she could see through my eyes, and see how utterly lovely she is for a moment. Instead, she is always working on the next goal, and I think sometimes fails to see the beauty in what she has already.

She’s a beautiful model, but horrible to work with. She has never tried to be a sex kitten, so she has no idea how to do it. She bounces around, and her attempted sultry look makes me giggle. She could never put on a show. If you caught her in an intimate moment, the natural grace and poise shines through. I’ve seen it in the pictures her husband takes of her during those times. Getting her in a studio setting though is fun in the failure, it’s great to see her scamper.

Being the oldest in the family, and my surrogate mother for most of my life, the unsavory habit of being bossy still carries over in adulthood. She’s always been the leader, including in her own family. It comes naturally to her. I frequently thumb my nose at this and scamper wherever I please in my own echo of childhood. Admittedly, many things would be in ruin without her guiding, including this blog. To her goes the credit, the painstaking hard work, and the dedication.

One of my favorite memories from childhood is when M would read her stories to me. She wrote the most amazing stories, and used the vocabulary and language, that was the greatest gift our mother ever gave to us, in exquisite form. Her stories made you FEEL. She seemed to write with such ease, never floundering in a story, but knowing always where it led. This gift has continued and grown, as seen on our blog.

She seems to do everything, including growing in her kink, her career, family, transitions, our blog, with the ease of gliding through water. I tell her all the time she deserves a medal for adulting, a thing I still don’t do well. She’s a normal person, with stress, the horrific allergies our genetics dumped on us, physical ailments. None of these seem to slow her down though. She always makes time for things. She’s always there with help or sage advice, wisdom and guidance.

If you asked me today, to write about one of my heroes, I could surely dust off that old paper from my school girl days, and gladly hand it over, although I might add that the hero I had then is even more so one today.

 Posted by at 9:24 am  Tagged with: ,
Apr 162015
 

For April’s A-Z challenge, N stands for Nugget, the name of one of the furry terrors that live in my house.

Nugget is special. She holds a little corner of my heart because she was born from my two other dogs. All on her lonesome, she was such a fat puppy with so much personality. Unfortunately part of that personality is being involved in EVERYTHING. Usually with her teeth.

Our post,Interrupted,representing the letter “i” in our challenge features Nugget. What I didn’t know at the time when I posted the piece, is that Nugget didn’t start her antics on the bed with my foot… Turns out she had originally jumped on his back and licked his ear. When he shook her off, that’s when she discovered my foot.

Along with her disruption of my sex life, Nugget has also decided that she is into bdsm, as I discovered awhile ago when she broke into my dungeon and ate one of my evil sticks… Or today when she brought me one of the wooden spoons I use as a pervertable, also pilfered from my dungeon. However, the most rage inducing moment of Nugget’s bdsm interests came mere days ago, when I came in to find my gorgeous rope, handmade by M’s husband, chewed and broken, along with a sample nibble on my rope book…

Nug destruction

Nug destruction

Who needs bizarre circumstances to create fail sex when you have a Nugget around?

 Posted by at 8:38 am
Feb 172015
 

I didn’t masturbate until I was in my twenties. The reasons for this are complex and best left for later.

However, I was still being turned on by my family’s two favorite authors: Julie Garwood and Johanna Lindsey. I swear my mother had every book of theirs, and us sisters read through every one before the age of ten. We didn’t understand the sexual content, and often I would skip the few pages to get back to the story.

  • Enter early teens, and it was certainly hot stuff. I couldn’t believe I had been reading this stuff at such a young age! On my own at fifteen, I managed to have a huge collection of their books.
  • Adulthood saw us sisters swapping and trading their books, quoting a line of their books, relating to the character family stories as if they were our own. We all knew them that well. And even though I was sexually active as a teen, it took me until I was an adult to realize not all of the sex was being written accurately. Sure, sometimes the virgin female felt pain, but most of the virgin (why always, even though historical fiction?) females thought it was grand from the first time.
  • These two authors are still read, I still have the majority of the historical romance books, and I still get the same enjoyment out of reading them for the hundredth time or so.

And I began to branch out on other authors at adulthood, even started reading erotica rather than romance.

This was the beginning into my kink understanding.

(null)Right now, one of the most masturbated-to-scene is from an anthology book: Dirty Girls: Erotica for Women, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel. (I read to get turned on far more than watch/look. Get my mind going and the body follows.) This was one of the first scenes that I read that I realized that I was seriously turned by rape fantasy.

There would be a struggle, for one thing. There always is in her dreams; otherwise, it’s not as satisfying. She doesn’t like to agree and give in, but she likes to feel her thighs forced apart, held open,” (Dreams, Marilyn Jaye Lewis).

The author does a fantastic job of giving the rape fantasy and maintaining it is a fantasy through dreams.

Of course, I am turned on by other, darker, fantasies as well, though they are more from online readings.

I give a lot of credit to the people that I follow and read online, and when I find something that turns me on or intrigues me, I add it to my monthly roundup of great reads. And I also will occasionally add in a book I’m reading that isn’t erotica, but thought provoking as well.

For some odd reason, we don’t really review toys, but I read so often and with such consistently, that I often review reading here on the blog. My favorite thing to do is to point others in the direction of some truly awesome bloggers, as I love this community and giving credit towards others in it.


Wicked Wednesday
February Photofest 2015

 

 Posted by at 8:04 am
Jul 052013
 
Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence was suggested by My Dissolute Life.

I cannot read a book with writing in it (I never borrow books for this reason). I had an English Professor tell me that “books talk to us, talk back”, and that seemed like as good as motivation to explain to people as ever. And yes, because most of my reading is done in the bath, I still read actual paperbound books (shocking, I know, but imagine how expensive an electronic book would suddenly become if I dropped it).

As I’ve been reading this book, I’ve been reflecting. This seems like a good place to share. I’m strictly going to speak from a military spouse, and generalize that most spouses are females to a military man.

Perel states that unknown factors increase excitement and desire, hence the giddy love-rush feelings at first. But unknown isn’t synonymous with security, so we seek to make each other more known in a commitment: “to control the risks of passion, you have tamed it out of existence.” (Perel, 10)

She suggests looking at your partner with a new perspective (ever seen someone appreciate something about your partner, and realize that you’ve been taking that very thing for granted in them?). For example, I go to the same local family business to buy my ball gowns. The seamstress met my husband, and commented on his slow mannerisms, his thoughtful consideration, his absolute respect, and his gorgeous body. By that point, I had taken some of these things for granted, and no longer saw them until she pointed them out. He does have a slower mannerism than say a person from California (who always seems rushed); I’d forgotten how I used to think that too.

Gorgeous, well I can’t forget that. For some reason, even after years, he still takes my breath away. When I told her one year that we were done having babies, she declared, “no baby, no. He is gorgeous and he needs to make gorgeous babies.” She’s right: he is gorgeous, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was not having any more babies. Now, we were all for practicing.

Now in the military, the odds for taking someone for granted aren’t as high as perhaps some other couples. For one: there’s deployments. Depending on what branch depends on how long they are gone. The fear of them being in harm’s way makes them that much more precious. And you are away from them – aware of the emptiness of the bed beside you, the lack of tripping over their boots, their interactions with the children. Communication is often short and random, words become that more important, preciseness to convey a message is hard but so importantly necessary. Their voice inflections travel from the ear and burrow deeply into the heart, to nourish until the next time. And when you finally see each other again, it is falling in love all over again. Often spouses have lost weight, change a hairstyle, become more independent, developed a new routine; kids have grown. Military personnel are often more muscular and defined, tired, perhaps have even changed emotionally and mentally from what they’ve experienced.

Trainings/schooling tend not to be as long, but it is still a breaking apart and coming together again. Also, spouses will often travel and visit family if they’ve moved far away for extended periods of time. There always seems to be a reason for parting and coming back together in the military lifestyle.

It is getting to know each other again; they are unknown to each other again depending on the length of time; and their unique and completely individual experiences. The fact that they are married changes nothing of the newness of each other, that is more based on the love and commitment to each other, not in the actual wanting of each other. “Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness.” (Perel, 37) These couples are often elusive, and want to recommit to each other, to discover and delve into each other again, and desire tends to be very high at homecomings. A new lover delivered safely, an “oh yeah, I forgot how that feels” touch or caress, a new trick heard and now tried. Even old tried and try methods are made new and appreciated.

The up and down rollercoaster of the relationship in a military lifestyle isn’t all grand; it is downright challenging. At a recent marriage retreat that my husband and I went to, we heard from the chaplain that the divorce rate was currently 75%. There have a lot of studies debating if it is higher than the average national norm or not, I’ve read a lot of it and it seems pretty undecided as a whole. But it is challenging. Some couples become addicted to the partings and homecomings, and cannot handle their spouses for long periods of time – they’ve become stagnant and lose that desire. Some have lived apart for so long that when they finally come together, they discovered they didn’t want to be married anymore, the desire simply wasn’t there at all and was perhaps more of an illusion sustained by distance.

I am going to suggest her book to many of my friends, especially if they are ready to transition to civilian life where separateness may be more challenging. Perel in no way suggests living separately to gain individuality, those are my own thoughts based on a military lifestyle. She discusses reawakening the newness when there has been no new element in a long time (which the military provides); of desiring each other again. When not forced apart, I can only hope that my spouse and I retain our individual selves and continue to view each other with desire from different perspectives.

*As a side note: even reading other bloggers really helps my own sex life. It has made me curious to try new things, to get out of my comfort zones, to point towards someone else’s words who have more effectively communicated wants that I’ve been trying to tell my husband. There are even some great videos that bloggers provide to offer how-to for so many numerous kinks.

With bringing in new ideas, or often being reminded of old favorites, I believe that we will keep our sex life and desire fresh just because we are so fluid with it.   

Something for the weekend

 Posted by at 11:16 pm
Jul 052013
 
Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence was suggested by My Dissolute Life.

I cannot read a book without writing in it (I never borrow books for this reason). I had an English Professor tell me that “books talk to us, talk back”, and that seemed like as good as motivation to explain to people as ever. And yes, because most of my reading is done in the bath, I still read actual paperbound books (shocking, I know, but imagine how expensive an electronic book would suddenly become if I dropped it).

As I’ve been reading this book, I’ve been reflecting. This seems like a good place to share. I’m strictly going to speak from a military spouse, and generalize that most spouses are females to a military man.

Perel states that unknown factors increase excitement and desire, hence the giddy love-rush feelings at first. But unknown isn’t synonymous with security, so we seek to make each other more known in a commitment: “to control the risks of passion, you have tamed it out of existence.” (Perel, 10)

She suggests looking at your partner with a new perspective (ever seen someone appreciate something about your partner, and realize that you’ve been taking that very thing for granted in them?). For example, I go to the same local family business to buy my ball gowns. The seamstress met my husband, and commented on his slow mannerisms, his thoughtful consideration, his absolute respect, and his gorgeous body. By that point, I had taken some of these things for granted, and no longer saw them until she pointed them out. He does have a slower mannerism than say a person from California (who always seems rushed); I’d forgotten how I used to think that too.

Gorgeous, well I can’t forget that. For some reason, even after years, he still takes my breath away. When I told her one year that we were done having babies, she declared, “no baby, no. He is gorgeous and he needs to make gorgeous babies.” She’s right: he is gorgeous, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was not having any more babies. Now, we were all for practicing.

Now in the military, the odds for taking someone for granted aren’t as high as perhaps some other couples. For one: there’s deployments. Depending on what branch depends on how long they are gone. The fear of them being in harm’s way makes them that much more precious. And you are away from them – aware of the emptiness of the bed beside you, the lack of tripping over their boots, their interactions with the children. Communication is often short and random, words become that more important, preciseness to convey a message is hard but so importantly necessary. Their voice inflections travel from the ear and burrow deeply into the heart, to nourish until the next time. And when you finally see each other again, it is falling in love all over again. Often spouses have lost weight, change a hairstyle, become more independent, developed a new routine; kids have grown. Military personnel are often more muscular and defined, tired, perhaps have even changed emotionally and mentally from what they’ve experienced.

Trainings/schooling tend not to be as long, but it is still a breaking apart and coming together again. Also, spouses will often travel and visit family if they’ve moved far away for extended periods of time. There always seems to be a reason for parting and coming back together in the military lifestyle.

It is getting to know each other again; they are unknown to each other again depending on the length of time; and their unique and completely individual experiences. The fact that they are married changes nothing of the newness of each other, that is more based on the love and commitment to each other, not in the actual wanting of each other. “Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness.” (Perel, 37) These couples are often elusive, and want to recommit to each other, to discover and delve into each other again, and desire tends to be very high at homecomings. A new lover delivered safely, an “oh yeah, I forgot how that feels” touch or caress, a new trick heard and now tried. Even old tried and try methods are made new and appreciated.

The up and down rollercoaster of the relationship in a military lifestyle isn’t all grand; it is downright challenging. At a recent marriage retreat that my husband and I went to, we heard from the chaplain that the divorce rate was currently 75%. There have a lot of studies debating if it is higher than the average national norm or not, I’ve read a lot of it and it seems pretty undecided as a whole. But it is challenging. Some couples become addicted to the partings and homecomings, and cannot handle their spouses for long periods of time – they’ve become stagnant and lose that desire. Some have lived apart for so long that when they finally come together, they discovered they didn’t want to be married anymore, the desire simply wasn’t there at all and was perhaps more of an illusion sustained by distance.

I am going to suggest her book to many of my friends, especially if they are ready to transition to civilian life where separateness may be more challenging. Perel in no way suggests living separately to gain individuality, those are my own thoughts based on a military lifestyle. She discusses reawakening the newness when there has been no new element in a long time (which the military provides); of desiring each other again. When not forced apart, I can only hope that my spouse and I retain our individual selves and continue to view each other with desire from different perspectives.

*As a side note: even reading other bloggers really helps my own sex life. It has made me curious to try new things, to get out of my comfort zones, to point towards someone else’s words who have more effectively communicated wants that I’ve been trying to tell my husband. There are even some great videos that bloggers provide to offer how-to for so many numerous kinks.

With bringing in new ideas, or often being reminded of old favorites, I believe that we will keep our sex life and desire fresh just because we are so fluid with it.   

Something for the weekend

 Posted by at 11:16 pm
Jun 242013
 

Sex Talk & Sex Ed

June is Adult Sex Ed Month (twitter: #AdultSexEdMonth). The movement was started by blogger @GoodDirtyWoman on twitter. Please read more here: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/june-is-adultsexedmonth/
This week’s TMI Tuesday questions were inspired by Sex-Ed writer Jon Pressick and his #dailysexdiscussion that happens on twitter.
1. Have you ever investigated having an open relationship?
– Have you tried to have an open relationship?
I’ve not investigated having an open relationship, but I have been in several. They have worked wonderfully well for me.

2. Do you have any sexual phobias?
– What have you done to manage or overcome them?
I did not until a few years when I squirted for the first time, and he sniffed it, thinking I pissed the bed. That gave me a fear that I did, or would. And a resentment towards this man. I don’t like squirting for that reason, but my lover can make me do it effortlessly regardless. It would be helpful if I knew if he even liked this aspect, as I have to assume he does considering he makes me do it quite frequently. However, even though I’ve asked, he’s been vague. I don’t like squirting: I don’t see it as sexy, it does give me my first and only sexual concern, and it’s very messy wet. I have done nothing to overcome this issue, besides issuing a no-sniffing rule.

3. What is the best new sexual activity you have tried in 2013?
Spanking, or wax. I like them both, but I’m trying to figure out to what varying degrees. I don’t always like them, so it’s still a learning curve for me.

4. Have you ever called into a sex advice radio/television show or written to a sex advice columnist?
– Was it helpful?
No, I haven’t, so I’ve no idea if it’s helpful.

5. Would you use the services of a sex therapist? Why or why not?
Yes, I have seen a sex addiction therapist, who informed me that I am a nympho, not an addict. I was told that I was an addict by another therapist, but the specialist laughed at that. I will not sleep with anyone, I don’t endanger my job or family or finances for it, and I am selective with who I sleep with. Just because I always think about sex and enjoy it does not mean that I have to have it, despite the cost. It was comforting, especially considering the first therapist made me feel ashamed of my thoughts.

6. Should sex therapists be allowed to engage in actual sexual activities with clients? Why or why not?
I have no idea, and I would not want to cast an overall judgment on an individualized case.

I highly recommend watching the movie “The Sessions” based on a true story of how a sex therapist helped a disabled man live a full, rich life that included sex. Movie trailer: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1866249/

Bonus:  Have you read any adult sex ed books lately? What do you recommend?
I have not on sex ed., unless we’re counting Mating in Captivity by Perel. I am drafting several reviews and my own reflections on that book which deals with erotic intelligence and keeping desire in long term relationships.  
I am currently reading Story of O, which was considered a break through piece of literature on BDSM in the 1950s. It is not on education. I’m a third of the way into it, and should have it finished in a day, considering I started it late last night. Thus far, it is not as psychologically delving as I would hope. For a true mind darkening exploration experience on BDSM, I’d recommend (Anne Rice wrote it under a pseudonym) The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty series.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

 Posted by at 6:05 pm