Mar 272017
 

“Aren’t you afraid it will happen all over again?” Mr. Texas asked me as we drove back from a BDSM speed dating event. I thought it would be good for him to get out and talk to other people, perhaps find a play partner or two besides me. “Your husband got into another relationship and then left you.”

I winced, though I hoped it wasn’t obvious in the darkness of the car. “No,” I stated, though that was only slightly true. I was concerned Mr. Texas might leave me, but not because he found someone else. He might leave me because I want an open relationship and he doesn’t, or because we’re incompatible, or because I can’t be who I was when he met me, or because I tell him to get the fuck out of my life.  He may find someone else and leave me because she is more perfect for him than I am; that could happen even if we were monogamous. It could happen, and she’d be lucky to have him.

I could tie him to the bed when I’m gone and release him when I’m at home to keep an eye on him, could have sex all day long every day, could be the most fantastic lover, provide the most stimulating conversations and entertainment, drop weight or gain weight to be his ideal body, dye my hair blonde (his favorite), and still he could leave me.

But it wouldn’t happen because he met someone else more… it would happen because we aren’t that compatible in the long term scheme of things.

…Unless he goes through a midlife crisis, like my ex husband did. He’s also transitioning out of the military, like my ex husband did before he left me.

But still, it wouldn’t happen because he met someone.

So yes, I’m concerned it could happen all over again.
Wicked Wednesday

Mar 222017
 

Don’t come empty handed, I’m a handful.

I am not an autopilot woman. You cannot let do my thing without some involvement. If you leave me, if you neglect me, if you do not provide the things that I need to run a course that we have set together, I will run in a different direction – it is just who I am.

I don’t require a lot, depending on the level of intimacy you want with me.

A one night stand: be attractive to me physically, and show some skill and a little consideration in the bedroom, brings condoms – you know what fits you best and what you prefer.

Play Partners: show aftercare – even if it’s just checking in the day after; show you know my interests and levels and try to meet me halfway towards your own, respect my boundaries.

Long Term Play Partner: show thoughtfulness and communication that is somewhat consistent (not daily, but perhaps weekly?), share the desires and fantasies so that I maintain a clue about wants. Create a safe space to share without judgment. Do all the things that a play partner would do.

A lover: show skill in the bedroom, be generous with orgasms, know what makes me hot, allow me to please you, talk to me on intimate matters, stay in contact a bit more than weekly, share desires. Do all the things that a one night stand would do.

A relationship: know what makes me tick, believe me when I tell you what I need (I don’t expect anyone to mind read), respect my need for independence is just as strong as my need to be supported, listen, daily communication, share dreams, goals, desires, fantasies, get along with my kids, introduce me to your family, understand that I won’t always be around and I will also respect your need to get away with friends and space and hobbies. Do all the things that every single one of these roles would do (perhaps minus the condoms if we’re fluid bonded).
Wicked Wednesday

Mar 072017
 

date_tmi

1. Which of these are you most often guilty of in a relationship:
a. jealousy
b. not apologizing
c. not keeping your word
d. guilt trips

2. Which of the following behaviors would annoy you most in a partner.
a. fishing for compliments by verbalizing self-doubt
b. passive-aggressive behavior
c. usually forgets important dates i.e., birthday, anniversary
d. making you feel guilty when spending time with friends

3. Consider you are looking for a mate, rank these traits in order of importance, with 1 being most important, and 7 being least important.
4___ Kindness
1___ Honesty
6___ Ambitious
3___ Confidence
2___ Reliable
7___ Assertive
5___ Sense of Humor

4. Score! You exchanged numbers with a hottie. Now you: (pick one)
a. Wait for a week, see if that person calls you first.
b. Call the next day if not sooner.
c. Call and text incessantly. Let them know they’ve made an impression.
d. You’d never call. What if you get rejected?

5. How did you handle your last relationship break up?
a. You’ve never been in a relationship before. The timing’s never been right.
b. You went out and got drunk every night, until you forgot everything.
c. You went out on a massive amount of date, even with people you knew you had no interest, making sure to date a new face every night.
d. You felt bad and cried, but bounced back in a couple of days.

Bonus: Would you take a holiday all by yourself, at the ‘spur of the moment’? Why or Why not? Where would you go?

I’m very much a spur of the moment kinda gal, and yes I would take a vacation all by myself. I might meet some very cool people, or I could just get some writing done (something I’ve done very little of recently). 

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Feb 122017
 

Happy Valentine's DaySo I looked up on my own blog “Valentine” to see how I’ve reflected on this over the years. It’s been a mix: happy with photo prompts (pictured here) but my writing shows how I overall view the holiday. In one piece of fiction, I write about how the character breaks up with their partners the day before – which is something I used to do in my youth. In another piece of fiction I wrote about how a character was done being second when they should have been first – sadly something that echoed why I didn’t write anything related to Valentine’s Day last year.

Last year, my husband turned me (and family) away hours before we were to be reunited after months of choosing separation to help with transitions and failed attempts at polyamory. I just recently tweeted about how I haven’t felt the same since, and it’s very true. But even when we were married, I didn’t see him much for Valentine’s Day – the all-too demanding price of being a military spouse.

This year, I was given an idea by a coworker of how to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Mr. Texas would rather have the romantic couple’s night, but he’s on board and supporting me as he does best.

My table is set and beautiful and Texas is going to make a nice dinner. We are raising some teenagers, and two of them are special needs and may not have a relationship for some time. I don’t want anyone to feel alone when there are people around who do love them – and I would not have survived last year if I didn’t have the support of friends and family. So, we embracing Valentine’s Day message of love but directing it at people who matter most – family and those that support you best. I even invited some single relatives.

I’ve already warned the kids that we are going to go around the table and say nice things about each other so they better be prepared (a challenge for one or two, it seems). It’s a day to show appreciation, a day to sit down with each other (though family dinners are rather important to me) and express the positives.Wicked Wednesday
Febraury Photofest

Jan 192017
 

Height differences sometime suck. Why do any of the women in our family venture forth with tall men is beyond me.

For example, I have to ask my lover’s permission to kiss him. He’s too tall for me to reach and kiss on my own accord. He has to lean down for me to kiss.

But then again, on his knees he’s the perfect height to kiss.

I am on the short side. If the women in our family make it over five foot, they are considered tall, and lucky. So sex is a challenge in certain ways…

For one, having both my partner and I standing up is near impossible. He would have to bend his knees too much, which leads to fatigue and awkwardness.

Additionally, the most comfortable position I do on top is when I am posed over them, in a squat position, rather than on my knees, due to my little legs. (Wrapping my legs fully around someone isn’t likely either, especially a wider or taller man.)

It does have advantages too, like having sex in a car, in a bathtub, or any place that is a confined space. My lover appreciates the short size for easy pick up, adjustments, or control.

Jan 022017
 

“People are surprised you are able to keep on going at all, they compliment you all the time. They are surprised you haven’t crashed,” Mr. Texas commented, when I lamented that I haven’t been writing recently. I’ve barely been surviving on the domestic front either. Everything seems such a struggle.

“I am shocked I haven’t crashed yet either, I feel like it’s around every corner, could happen at any moment,” I replied, lying in bed, recovering from jet lag as I watched him wrap him Christmas presents that I had bought but had no energy to wrap after traveling to another country.

Mr. Texas takes excellent care of me, so much so that I’ve officially moved in with him. He even added that he felt like perhaps I won’t crash the way I fear because he is here to support me, not to mention that I’m on medicine right now to help me limp along with my emotional wreckage of a life. I hadn’t been sleeping to the point where I could no longer function – it’s amazing what some sleep and emotional stability can provide to functioning.

So let’s catch up my life to speed:

2016 greeted me with my husband wanting a divorce – which ripped my heart out and left me a shadow of my former self. The divorce also left me abandoned in my former hometown, looking for a new job and away from my support system of friends and my sister.

Somehow, during this stressful period, two men have been kind enough to care for me: Mr. Texas and The Wanderer. My relationship with both of them has been rocky, especially reconciling with my ex husband briefly, but they are supportive and patient through my struggles.

Before I felt fully myself from the divorce, my baby sister died unexpectedly. My family leaned on me, the way they always have for some odd reason (they say it’s because I’m the most responsible and strongest though I feel far from that), but I simply could not handle even the littlest things reeling from another loss so dear to my heart.

Mr. Texas, throughout it all, has held me and stepped up when I simply couldn’t stand on my own. We have a ton of issues – mostly coming from my end, but after my sister died and sex and hurty rope didn’t offer the comfortable escape I sought, Mr. Texas simply opened up his arms and held me through the tears, kissed and beat and fucked my body until I temporarily could seek release from it all.

When he wasn’t around, I fought the sleeplessness; the admitting that I needed help, counseling, medicine; limped along in my job and fought panic attacks; I binged ate and forgot to eat. Time and time again I kept coming over to his house, our kids blending seamlessly and he offered home cooked meals, wine, hot tub, comfort.

He offered home.

He changed his work schedule (a rare opportunity in the military) to help me with school schedules, painted bedrooms and negotiated with all the kids involved to make space personalized for everyone.

I don’t know if we’re suited: he was very vanilla but is now open minded enough to accept my want of polyamory, finds himself liking and even craving the kinkier intimate moments and the social communities; for myself, I wanted the freedom that older kids came with and exploring my outgoing kink lifestyle yet now find that home makes me content most days. It may be a fleeting acceptance on both of our parts but we are willing to see where it goes.

It’s a scary step.

I still fight the feeling that I need to stand on my own, that I need to find myself amid all this chaotic life changing loss, that I am relying on another so heavily.

I have always been the reliable one, the one that my family and even my ex husband relied on, the stead fast one, always known who I was, what I wanted, and how to get there.

I’ve no clue anymore. My heart is shattered in so many pieces I am shocked that anyone wants to hold the slivers and be in my broken company.

Maybe, even if I’m doing this wrong or for the wrong reasons, it’s what is right for right now.

And maybe it’s time I set aside my worry and allow Mr. Texas to soothe my vulnerability with love (and yes, even opening myself up to another potential loss).
Wicked Wednesday

Dec 222016
 

*Last year, for the Christmas prompt set to the song, “All I want for Christmas is you”, I shared something my husband wrote for me. This year, Exhibit Unadorned, is opening up the old prompts and I thought how much had changed in a year (a divorce, a new relationship, etc.). So let me share something Mr. Texas wrote for me….

In one of my breakup talks with Mr. Texas (which sadly I do far too frequently), I asked him to come up with a list of pros and cons that he sees in our relationship. I came up with a short list and we met for dinner. He came with two pages typed of all pros. I know I don’t do a good job of showing just how wonderful he is, or what it is that I get out of my relationship with him, mostly because I’m afraid of getting seriously involved so close to my divorce, so I thought I’d share a few of his words here (and yes, this is just a few – he included many more that had to do with our children, building upon the family concept that is the biggest appeal for me):

Short of a couple of problems we will run into from time to time, I honestly feel like we are very compatible.  I believe we can work through anything that comes our way, no matter what it is.

  1. We both enjoy our time together
  2. You get the feeling of family and of home that you need/ want
  3. We can trust one another
  4. I have someone who I love very very much in my life, someone who makes me feel loved, happy, excited, and so much more.  You can make me smile (make my heart feel happy) with just a picture.  You have given me so much to look forward to.
  5. You take care of me in all the ways that I need you to
  6. You encourage and inspire me to get out and go more places and do more. You “drag” me with you and I always enjoy what we do together
  7. I’m open minded/understanding and I accept you for who you are with all your quirks
  8. You’re good for me, you know exactly how to handle me and you don’t put up with my crap
  9. I understand you..I can read you pretty well and I will always do my best to give you what you need and want as you need or want it. After a long day, early in the morning, or when something is bothering you.  I will give you the space you need or be there when you need me.
  10. I hear you when you say I have problems…and vise versa..
  11. I love cooking with you
  12. I love dancing with you
  13. I love taking care of you, and you love being taken care of
  14. Making coffee
  15. Making breakfast, lunch, dinner, or whatever happens to come up
  16. Helping you with your work, when you need it
  17. Helping you with your laundry
  18. Brushing your hair
  19. Turning your clothes right side out/laying them out after one of our escapades
  20. Rubbing your shoulders, back, and your feet
  21. I’m learning new kinky things with you, and discovering what I like and enjoy. You say that I’m really good at it and I feel like I am improving and getting more and more into it.  Before I met you, I couldn’t even tell you what I like or what I’m into, now I can tell you that I feel like I have direction and know some things that I like and enjoy.
  22. I like cutting your clothes off..it’s so freaking hot!!!
  23. I love tying you up
  24. I love tying you up and having sex with you
  25. I enjoy “beating/smacking” your ass..giving you the pleasure you so desire
  26. I love giving you pleasure..oral and fingering..
  27. Watching you as I play with you…buckling and squirming
  28. I actually did enjoy the wax and the ice-sensation play is amazing
  29. I like having sex with you in the hot tub and on the steps…lol..even the fence
  30. I especially liked the time on the living room floor with you all tied up
  31. I am interested in going to events with you..I feel the urge to go so I can experience and learn more..satisfy my curiosity and interests
  32. We have amazing sex and I love the way you feel.
  33. I love that we can go and go for hours rather it be through kink or just sex, it never ceases to amaze me how much I enjoy being with you and inside of you.
  34. I’m hoping to make time for kink events or something just for us at least once a week, maybe twice if we can work it out. I want to expand and explore more…maybe even find another play partner that is understanding and will let me keep honing my skills.  Yes I know that statement is a shock, but I figure I need someone when you are doing something with someone else at an event we’re both at…it might be fun and enlightening.
  35. I know you’ll take your little trips during breaks. As long as you don’t make it so we can’t go somewhere together or so that we don’t have quality alone time, I can live with that.  We just need to establish guidelines we can both live with…
  36.   We get to grow old together and have one another to rely on, be there when we need a shoulder to cry on, or just have fun with.  I’m totally looking forward to just getting a camper and traveling the country with you…you pick the place, I’ll drive.
Dec 132016
 

1. Have you ever tested someone’s love for you? What did you do? Did things turn out as you expected or hoped?

I unconsciously and consciously test love all the time. Mostly because I feel I am undeserving and if they knew me they wouldn’t love me, so I share parts that I believe to be the scariest.

For example, before Texas and I became serious again: I tested if he would love all parts of me so I shared the blog before he began his reasons for us to be committed. And then much later, I suppose I tested him by asking him to be present while I engaged in orgasm play with another person.

2. Select the answer that best fits your experience. I have dated:
a. all the wrong people
b. romantic companions that were mostly a good fit for me.
c. people that were perfect fits–loves at first sight
d. not all that much, I mainly have had a lot of long term relationships

3. Online dating: What is your success rate? What do you consider success?

Well, I met Mr Texas online. He was the first person to contact me on that particular dating site. And I met the Reservist, who was a hot hook up and may become a great friend, on a dating site. 

4. What sexual thing do you do most often that you could commit to doing everyday?

Having sex, oral sex, elements of BDSM, foreplay. These are not hard for me to commit to everyday.

5. What are your thoughts on love and lust?

That the two can be easily blurred, and that love that exists to the most degree in friendship is the hardest to let go of and the strongest. 

Bonus: Are you searching for love or are you searching for attention?

Both, I can’t feel loved without some attention. I was in a long term relationship with a man indifferent and it was the worst relationship by far. 

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Nov 152016
 

image

1. What shoes would  you like  to fill today?

Today my goal was to be: mommy, girlfriend, boss, and the biggest shoes to fill were to be active. So far I’m doing okay, maybe a bit weak on the girlfriend.

 
2. What is the next big dollar purchase you are planning to make?

A house, and soon.
3. You have $100,000 to spend on friends. How would you spend it?

Paying off bills so we’re all a bit more relaxed. Or buying property for a commune, because I want everyone close.
4. You have $5,000 to spend on your significant  other. How would  you spend it?

Same as friends, help him pay off some bills. And a cruise.
5. What is your favorite waste of time ?

Blogging, which is why I can do it for so many years with regularity

Bonus: Tell us about the most mischievous thing you did as a kid.

I was always picking on my younger sisters, I think that’s what being the eldest is all about. 

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Nov 012016
 

Inspired by Domme Chronicles

I think of myself as selfish though many would disagree. It is not unusual for me to handle more responsibility or take care of others; of course in the role of mom, but I sacrificed a great deal as a wife. As a friend and family member I will go above and beyond for – there is little I would not do, and my profession is known for being selfless and I will still put forth the extra mile for my coworkers and the people I work with. Sometimes in these roles, while fulfilling, I will overly commit and feel drained, exhausted, and have nothing left for myself. Being selfish shows up more in my intimate relationships, but even that, upon reflection, is some shades of grey.

That is how I felt for three years during my marriage, though through no fault of my husband; it was the cost of supporting him during a job that wrung us both dry that the military created. It was also a time that I didn’t have the support of the other fulfilling roles (with the exception of mother) in my life – it required me just to be a selfless in my role of wife and even diminished my role of lover with my husband. (There was more positives than negatives during our marriage, for one: I offered my full submission to him during the course of our marriage – the only man that I have completely done this for, and that was a beautiful connection that I really blossomed and grew in.) What I have learned in my marriage is that I cannot compromise who I am really am and what is important to me – I learned this of course months after the marriage ended. He has asked me to give up the blog and twitter, something that I worked years on and that I feel passionately about. I couldn’t do it. He has asked me to give up people in my life – something I could compromise to an extent on. (And yes, he has asked for other outrageous stuff which felt like he was testing my desperation to be with him, and some things I did and others I agreed to, and then months later I wouldn’t compromise on those when we discussed AGAIN getting back together.) He has asked for monogamy – something that during the course of my marriage I truly struggled with and was the only thing I asked of him to compromise on (granted it’s a huge thing), something I realized that I could commit to only when the marriage was over.

…Something that I will not compromise on in my current state. I am not ready for commitment, I need to discover truly who I am and what works for me, and if that means that I come out the gate with a selfish stand while dating then so be it – I need this attitude, and as long as I am being honest, it isn’t selfish, right? It’s actually a concept I struggle with a bit, because I know Mr. Texas wanted the full commitment (he even proposed marriage), and so do some other men, so even though they know and supposedly accept, I feel guilty when I do play or date others.

What I have learned as a top (the role it seems I take with my vanilla dating explorations) is that it comes from a place of both selfish and selflessness. It is what I want – my show, my decision, my entertainment, my pleasure. But it is no fun unless they are enjoying it too, so I want to provide an experience that they desire. Maybe I top from the bottom?

What I have learned as a rope bottom is that I want things done to me and to be passive – this is a role that I do not often take and I relinquish control in bondage. I have simply no choice. I am bound, I can fight or struggle all I want – I am still being forcibly controlled. The power dynamic of this is incredibly erotic to me, and also can be pointed towards another kink of mine with consensual non consent. Someone else is in control and I am powerless to do anything about it, even if I so desired. I can achieve a mindlessness in rope that is rare for me, though it needs to be a very challenging, painful, or include multiple orgasms, as the physical demands have to override the constant chaos that is my brain. There is also some part of myself that just wants to accept what is happening to me without resistance or responsive action; being so compliant and submissive is the path of least resistance that creates such peacefulness when I have the dynamic with another in rope to be passive (found most often with my ex husband or Mimir). Rope helps me find that peace. (Mimir taught me acceptance towards passiveness.)

What I have learned as a bottom and play partner could be everything in being a rope bottom but a bit more complicated due to the forced factor. I can be more switched into submissive head space where I want to do what they want, but it takes a strong connection, a feeling uncomfortably foreign (new place, new experience), or physically forced (oddly just placing a hand on my throat will do it, it doesn’t have to be forced take downs – though those are hot). Some examples are The Wanderer asking me to fetch things for him (connection), when I was co-topped and ordered to move certain ways (foreign), or when Mimir would tell me to just stand there and look at me (thus making me feel self-conscious and awkward but oddly beautiful) because it was a power play allowed due to our strong connection. But this role is self-serving, I am having things done to me and I am not taking an active role, I am selfish in that it is my body being played upon and that I am not making decisions or having to come up with a plan.

It is this role, in rope/bottom/play partner, that I want the most; this is most selfish role that I am in my life.