Jul 212016
 

Mr. Texas and I were relaxing by the pool and I started going into why I was sore – I had done two rope scenes the previous night and both men had tied me in a way that exhausted my injured hip.

That was all I said.

He gave me that look, and I knew where it was going. “I know you love this, and I wouldn’t change it or you for the world, but I don’t like to hear about other men touching you. I’m still getting accustomed to it.”

“I know.”

“Don’t get me wrong, if you feel like you need to tell me or talk to me about it, I can hear it, I just don’t like to. I’m glad you told me that you had two great scenes with men last night, but that’s about as far as I want to know – that you had fun and that you played the way you wanted to.”

“And I thank you for that, it’s the only way we can be together, but still…it’s something that I love and experience and don’t share with you.” I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, “still, I completely understand and respect your position. You know what you’re comfortable with, and I’ve no wish to push that.”

It makes me a bit sad that I can’t share everything with him, but at least he says he is comfortable (in a manner of speaking, I don’t think he truly is) with me exploring and dating others (just not sexual intercourse, which I am not engaging in).

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**A current reflection since this was written months ago for #F4TF: I don’t think one gender is more promiscuous naturally than another, though society and history has certainly tried to teach otherwise (men are seen as more promiscuous). I do, however, feel that I am more promiscuous than my partners. It was a problem in my marriage, it can seen in this post with Mr. Texas, and I hesitated to broach the subject of polyamory with Tech Talk because my own history has taught me that I will be judged or shut down in my desire to be with more than one person (though to what degree I’ve learned I can compromise on).

So in my own relationships I am more promiscuous it seems, though I have no idea why this is. Perhaps I pursue other relationships more? Perhaps I don’t have a dedicated local play partner so I play with a few? Perhaps I am unconsciously attracted to men who want to be monogamous (though not all the men are, so maybe not every man)?  Some things I would like to settle more on, others I wouldn’t, and it would be situational and based on people involved.

Jun 052016
 

*Maybe this needs a trigger warning? It certainly triggers me. This is NOT the consensual non consent scene; this was something I told him I was NOT doing the morning of. 

“Anal?” asked mid orgasm with a thumb in my ass, already in that high orgasm head space.

Still, I answered, “no.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Just the tip?”

“No.”

“Just try it.”

“No.”

“I’ll stop if you say.”

“No, thank you.”

“It’ll be slow and easy. You’re ready. Besides which, when will you ever do this again?”

“I don’t know. Never.”

“So…?”

“Maybe.”

He grabbed a condom , set it to the side, proceeded to have sex with me. After an orgasm, he put on the condom but it was just to continue having sex with me. Another orgasm.

He positioned me to the side, curled my legs up, positioned his tip at my back hole, and with a lot of lube slowly eased in.

“No, stop, it hurts.” I dug my nails into his chest.

“Shh, relax, it’s fine. I’ll stop here,” he grabbed my hair and yanked hard, diverting the pain to my scalp and eased in a bit more. Both hurt. He grabbed a vibrator and pushed it in my vagina, leaving less space in side of me but some pleasure. And pain. He eased in a bit more. “Relax,” he said in a soothing voice at my ear, his hand going around my throat, his fingertips pressing in.

“No,” I protested before the world faded. When I came to consciousness, he was completely inside of me, going a bit faster and harder. The vibrator didn’t override the large object moving painfully inside of me. After awhile, he pulls out, takes off the condom, then has PIV sex, coming immediately.

*

I cried, great heaving sobs, and he held me. “I’m proud of you, you did good,” he whispered in my ear.

I curled into his chest, seeking comfort from one who hurt me. I trusted him even though he pushed for anal sex and was about to leave me. I trusted him even though he told me that the weekend had to be a secret because he was now monogamous with his girlfriend and I – his wife – was now the other woman.

“I knew this would be hard for you.” He murmured into my tears.

Then why would he do it and leave? I consented but it was from a pathetic desperation to keep him that consented to something I was uncomfortable with and had zero desire to do.

I felt violated but I violated myself. I felt disgusting –  not the in the act but in the desperation. I trusted a man who would walk away. I allowed something uniquely special to a man who didn’t value my worth.

I cried so hard I slept and when I woke up, I cried again.

He had been inside of me in every way possible and would be gone in hours.

May 052016
 

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Bosom Buddies…

For guys and girls who like girls – what is it that you like about boobs? Is there an ideal shape or size?

For girls – how do you feel about how you feel about your “girls”? Are you happy with them? Have you always been?

For everyone – do you think the female “chest” has been over sexualised?

I was thirteen, a size zero at barely 100 lbs, with DD bras. I had no hips, a boyish figure forced in a Catholic School uniform that had a button down shirt straining to stay shut. It was terrible. No that’s not sarcasm, it was truly horrific for me.

Perhaps that’s why the school girl uniforms are an absolute hard limit for me. I was forced into that, so self conscious because I had such large breasts for such a small girl and attention when I wanted none but just to desperately fit in.

My daughter had the same problem – began binding her breasts in sports bras in the second grade. She too hides rather than reveals.

How do I feel about my breasts? For the most part they are a hindrance. I didn’t appreciate them until about five years ago –  no kidding for those that know what they are capable of. Before my son, I wanted a breast reduction to reduce back ache. After my son, I was a ridiculous size really wanting not just a reduction, but a lift (oddly it was my son who created such havoc on my breasts, though he’s not my only child).

I’ve been blessed and grateful that my breasts have nursed my babies. I hated the looks I’d occasionally get when I revealed myself (even just for a second) before my baby would latch on in public. In that regard, I think we as a society do sexualize breasts too much. I was feeding my babies, not having sex in public, yet sometimes I would be judged for one act as if I performed the other.

A rare moment I'm braless, so odd I had to search for a photo

A rare moment I’m braless, so odd I had to search for an old photo

About five years ago, my nipples were treated roughly. This made me change my mind on wanting a breast reduction – as I suddenly cared about a lover touching them and turning me on and I heard that surgery can diminish sensitivity. Prior to that, I didn’t care much for them being touched by a partner.

This is not to say that my breasts can handle a lot of roughness – I don’t even like to go without a bra on, but I love my nipples treated roughly. I learned that they create a painful sensation that is somehow translated to pleasure somewhere around my core and makes me tighten and become so wanton between my legs. I can orgasm from nipples alone (though only after an orgasm through penetration of some sort). But my breasts, they still have to be treated gently – it’s part of why you don’t see them tied around to a painful tightness in rope, but you may see nipple clamps on.

 

Mar 242016
 

“I can do what I want,” you whisper to me many nights.

It’s the words that get me far more than anything else; I love words – they hold the true power.

Even when my vision grows dim and my thoughts hazy with a hand around my neck, even through impact or orgasm,

dulled, exposed, aroused, sensitive sensations do not captivate me like your words.

They connect to my ear and send shivers down my neck, make my stomach flip-flop, make me tighten and tense.

Your words caress me at how beautiful I am, how I make you proud.

Your words push into me about your plans for me, hurting me, fucking me, making me completely yours to use at your will.

Your words penetrate me even in the silent recesses of my mind, the pain or pleasure noises of my body, and while my brain does not acknowledge the syllables that drip from your tongue, my body instantly obeys the crystal clear commands.

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When it comes to truly enjoying sex, how important is it for your mind to be stimulated as well as your body? What are the ways in which you enjoy you partner (or yourself) stimulating your mind?

 

 Posted by at 8:22 am
Mar 172016
 

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We are constantly being told that the key to great sex is communication; discussing the things we like and dislike with our partners so we can better understand what turns each other on and what buttons to push.

Are you comfortable discussing sex with your partner? Do you have the confidence to ask for what you like/want?

Yes, I am absolutely comfortable discussing sex with my partner. First, I have the STI test talk, asking them to get tested prior (slutfest – an upcoming post – is the exception to this). Next, my talk tends to be more of a questionnaire type deal of what they like, how open minded they are, a warning of some of the kinkier things that I like, and any fantasies they may have that we can accomplish together.

For example, with my new guy (a friend suggested calling him hot tub guy because we always go into the hot tub but I like Mr. Texas more since when he opens his mouth his dialect is obviously Texan to me), after our first date, I established that I would like to have sex with him and asked him to get tested. He reaffirmed that he also wanted me, and showed me the test results a few days later.

I warned him I was kinky and he said that he wasn’t, but he was willing to try almost anything at least a few times. He told me that he had only gone down on a woman once, and that apparently he considered oral sex kinky. I warned I was a bit kinkier than that – that I considered oral sex not only necessary but that it was a tame activity. We went over his hard limit of no anal penetration to him.

When I asked him what he liked, he shrugged his shoulders and said that he wasn’t even really sure, that he didn’t have a lot of experience. When I asked about fantasies, he gave a vague response of whatever turned me on would give him a lot of pleasure – but two weeks later he’s finally opened up about some fantasies – one of which we made come true – sex in a hot tub, something he absolutely loved and I was even surprised how much I enjoyed it. Over spring break, when we are child free, we have a list of fantasies to accomplish – and I’m really looking forward to it.

He is not very open minded, but he admits that he doesn’t understand a lot of what I discuss and he will try to keep an open mind. I look at tumblr a lot, and because he’s always by my side (and I’ve spent many nights with him already), I will show him what I view as sexy or hot. He scrunches up his face, asks specifics of why I might enjoy some of the pictures or gifs, and then when I explain it he says that he could possibly now see that as being desirable…some things.

It’ll be a slow process but I believe that he is open minded and adventurous enough to try new things.

And this is why communication is so important – I am still a firm believer in asking for what I want, sharing my desires and fantasies, and pursuing my passions. My partner is not a mind reader, nor am I, and to journey together we need to share what it is we want.

 Posted by at 8:44 am
Feb 052016
 

February Photofest Badge 2016

f4tf_button1n

 

What’s the magic number?  This week we turn our thoughts to how much we need to share about our pasts with current partners

Do you need or expect to know how many previous sexual encounters your current sexual partner has had? Is it any of your business?

To an extent. 

My husband looks(ed?) down at people “like me” who have had a larger number of partners. He wanted firsts; however, he loves the benefits of my knowledge and skill.

I worried when I first met him that he would want to sleep around when it was least appropriate in our life together because he didn’t have a lot of experience – that he would be curious what was out there, that he would want to discover that despite risks to us, that he wouldn’t realize how grand we were because of his lack of experience. He told me he just wasn’t like that, and despite me pushing him to sleep around before something went horribly wrong later in life, he convinced me to have faith that he would love and appreciate what we had. 

In these respects, I believe knowing about your partner’s past is important, though the knowledge obviously didn’t sway my husband or myself in the slightest. 

after a scene

Us after a scene. Look at how many toys this person has! Envious!

Jan 072016
 

Questions found from Insatiable Desire:

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

My weirdest was also described on the post Darker Dreams. It’s just a fantasy, and not something that I want to come true.

A reoccurring fantasy I’ve had is where it’s almost ritualized rape, where I am on a bed, altar, or platform and men in hooded cloaks are all around me, faces unseen the entire time by the hoods and the dim lighting only provided by candles – somehow all the hotter because I will never know who is penetrating me. I am tied spread out on my back, wrists and ankles at corners. They are intent on watching as one after another roughly has sex with me. They do not make any noise – they don’t discuss what’s about to occur, say nothing about me or to me, and don’t even verbally indicate who goes next. I am scared and intimidated, I constantly try to pull out of my bindings – to no avail, I am physically exhausted and sweaty from the sheer number of men around me, and yet I still gush from one pleasurable orgasm to the next.

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**Day 6 is perfect for the prompt on food for thought friday, so I’m using this write up as well. The questions:

Do you have a sexual fantasy that you would be embarrassed or ashamed to tell anyone about?

Is it a complete fantasy or would you like it to actually happen in real life, if you had the chance?

Are you brave enough to share it here with us?

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

My husband’s penis. It’s the most pleasurable and doesn’t need to be plugged in, charged, or take batteries. It’s waterproof and safe for insertion. It doesn’t make me blush when going through airport security. It tastes delicious. It’s an amazing texture and feel, not to mention beautiful to look at.

Second to that, probably my Lelo Soraya, though I’ve had that for a couple of years and one of the vibrating motors loses a connection or is dying – which makes me a bit sad as I really thought I found a vibrator I wouldn’t break.

Third would be rope – yes it’s a sex toy. When I’m tied up for sex, it tends to be some of the best sex (hence why I write about those sessions so much – we don’t use rope as often as I believe blogging would leave one to believe).

And fourth would be the Doxy Wand. I can’t take much of it, and it overwhelms me, but there is no better toy with rope predicament bondage for just that reason.

*And yes, I’m aware that the question asked for my favorite, but I figured that would be a short post, so I expanded a bit more.

 Posted by at 7:45 am