Feb 222018
 
February Photofest

Kink of the Week is on Scratching, and this is one of the tamest pictures I have for scratching. It was when I was baby stepping someone into kink – scratching with nails seems like a good transition with that, and I made sure not to go too deeply or cover too much skin. “I began scratching my nails into this skin, softly but then raked trails as my mouth alternated between hot and cold. I would only dig in when I was in a zone that he found pleasurable. “This pleasure with pain is completely new to me,” he muttered at one point, and I acknowledged that it was my intent to only hurt him when it also felt good.”Restraining Him 

I will also scratch a one night stand; it seems to be a fairly acceptable practice during sex: “He rotated and saw his back, the side of his chest where my raked nails raised red. “I didn’t promise I wouldn’t scratch you,” I laughed and he smiled, uncaring of those marks.”He Wanted a Fight

When it comes to scratching in BDSM contexts, I do think to ask permission, as this community is built upon negotiations and consent far more (though even in the vanilla engagements of my sex life I should practice this form of communication): “One of my hands went to his forearm, the fingers curled around his muscle, and before I dug in my nails I realized that he isn’t mine to scratch and mark – to claw into as I am sometimes wont to do when I am in pain. If we play again, I thought fleetingly, I should ask about that. It’s almost instinctual to press my fingertips into something when I am overwhelmed with sensations.” – When I Thought the Scene was Done

Honestly, when I think scratching in terms of kink it’s most often with a knife, however. Curiosity got me searching my own blog for the term scratch and it most often came up with a knife. Knife play is something that I’ve found a lot of people don’t want to engage in regardless of how they see themselves, and I certainly don’t consider it an implement often used outside of people identifying as kinky. Knife play was something I engaged in from the beginning of my sexual life, and something that’s always ticked a box in my brain that is hot. So, regardless of whether I viewed myself as kinky or how vanilla my relationship was – knife play has almost always been there in my relationships (not one night stands).

I used a soothing voice to tell him to relax and did not ease up, only leaned down and thoroughly kissed the swell of a cheek and side of a hip as I whispered that I needed to love my blank canvas. Stretching the moments until he felt the tip of the blade, I scratched red letters into white skin, a love letter unfolded along the curve of his body. Mr. Texas thoroughly believed that I would scar him, protested but didn’t color, so I traversed back up his back after I was done expressing my words and explained that I would never violate his consent, that I would not intentionally ever cut him, scar him, but that his mind and his body were mine in those moments and that I was in control of what he thought and felt. – Knife Reflections

Recently, a curry comb reminds me of scratching – as that’s a fun (fairly new) toy Mr. Texas and I use. It’s so scratchy it can hurt, we bought one horse size so he sometimes puts the metal around my throat as he fucks me, and that’s so incredibly hot to me. ““It’s amazing how much you’ll hurt yourself for an orgasm,” he sounded amazed, but by this point Mr. Texas knows how I can get under the right circumstances. He continued to draw the curry comb against my nipples – or rather keep it pressed up against them as I scratched them back and forth painfully riding him. I would feel my nipples sore for a week, but the price was worth the pleasure.”Somewhat Out of Context Phrases

Feb 082018
 
February Photofest


I’ve seen boot blacking done, and it can be incredibly sexy and erotic. My own personal experiences with boots are not very sexy. When I think of boots, I don’t think of leather boots – I don’t think of the boots I’ve been wearing since I was a teen. I own a pair of knee highs with a decent heel, they make me feel sexy.

But no, when I see the word boots, I think of a freshly molded military man. Being a military spouse has clearly clouded this term to my association.

But military men can be incredibly sexy…chiseled, ready for combat, in his prime. I wrote about my ex-husband once:

He is amazingly fit: he can carry someone across enemy lines, run for distances and speed if need be while being bogged down in weighty gear, can do pull-ups with ease, lift ammo cans, squat and shoot a rifle. I can think of no one more athletic that I am honored to be with than a man who commits his body to his country, to shed sweat and tears and blood for it. But he is just not athletic because his job requires it: he also is a runner by nature, loves to swim, and cycle.

The sexier side of him can lift me easily up for a kiss, or to manipulate me where he wants me. My legs can wrap around his small waist, my arms can barely (heck I may not be able to do this, and if he were around, I’d test it) wrap around his broad chest or shoulders. My eyes can feast of the visual image of his arm muscles bulging when he is braced above me, can feel the ripples of muscles under my fingertips as he moves in and out of me. – Welcome Home

I have been incredibly aware of  his boots (and Mr. Texas, as he is also military) under my bed, or wrapped around his ankles still keeping his pants up far too high for great movement as I have yanked down his pants to have him in my mouth, or inside of my body.

Th e picture was Atargatis’ idea, and I quite loved the concept, and I loved the feel of his boot pressing me into the ground, asserting his dominance on such a physical level, the slight humility of it. I think I would like it if it was done for more than a picture – but I’ve not had this experience.

Honestly, the most I’ve experienced with boots that comes to mind is tripping over them. Military men tend to have a few pairs, and from speaking to other spouses over the years they seem to be littered in walk ways just for tripping purposes (kind of like legos with kids). My toes hurt from the word association from stubbing them so frequently against the boot; I think of the sound of the lace cords being yanked up tight.

And yes, sometimes, just sometimes, I think of the boots preventing his pants from fully coming off because our passion will not allow the time to remove them.


Jan 212018
 

I am immensely curious: what’s in your player pack?

When I first began the negotiations between Mimir and myself (though realistically the real negotiations happened between Mimir and my ex-husband on what makes me tick and the scenes I like), Mimir requested a few items be kept at his house, that he would put in a bag for just me (I wasn’t his only partner). When we broke it off because I was moving across country, he return my pack of items – including the bag I originally dropped off the items in.

I consider this a player pack, and for some reason I woke up this morning and thought of what items were in that bag (most of the bag is still intact). We would use far more items than what was in this pack, but it was a collection of things that were just between us (not to mention that he had a playlist as well tailored towards our scenes).

In our player pack was:

  • Rope for fluid bonding: he was the first one that made me conscious of that as my ex-husband and I never thought of it, he also suggested I provided it since I’m super picky about my rope and he knew it being my friend first;
  • Blindfold: he bought this and I began to appreciate how a blindfold fit my face just right – it’s cute pink satin with a blank outline of a wink and is still my go-to blindfold;
  • A glass dildo;
  • Wartenberg wheel: such an evil little thing;
  • A soft dildo attachment for the Hitachi wand;
  • Clothespins – though he had stuck them in there I don’t believe that we had used them yet – it may have been for future scene he was planning.

It made me curious about if I had to create a player pack currently – just a few go-to items, what would my current player packs look like (which of course would not include everything we play with, just what is most used)?

Mr. Texas does not have a bag since we live together, but if he had a player pack it would include:

  • a blindfold (the same one Mimir gave me as it’s my favorite);
  • a cane that is just between the two of us;
  • a crop I use on him more than the other way around (that The Wanderer bought me);
  • a vibrator is beginning to factor more in which I’m thrilled about.
  • Rope that I’m fluid bonded to, though I don’t think rope factors very much into our play,
  • the same with a particular knife that we agreed is just between us.
  • A new addition is a curry comb – such an interesting combination of sensations and uses I’m learning.
  • I’d like if an anal plug would become a bit more frequent as well.

The Wanderer is mostly out of my everywhere rope bag as we both meet while traveling:

  • so a blindfold – I have several to choose from – my favorite is purple leather, though I have a longer scarf length of silk that I purchase to also use with some rope suspensions;
  • my rope that I fluid bonded to since orgasm play tends to be a big part of our dynamic;
  • nipple clamps;
  • and then out of my usual rope bag is one of his evil belts and my vibrator.

Apparently, a blindfold is an absolute must for me – both as a top and as a bottom; not being able to see is so hot on both sides of the coin, the surprise of what is to come. I believe it will always be a go-to in any bag/dynamic for me.

Player packs don’t have to be very big, as with my two current partners their hands are the most used toys, but extra things that are used regularly – what would those be?

And now I’m immensely curious: what are in other people’s player packs?

If you feel comfortable enough – would you share with me?

Wicked Wednesday

Jan 042018
 

Anal sex is something that just recently occured in my life, and to date I’ve probably engaged in it about five times, including the first time when I was forced. Because of the rocky start that first time, it was something that I felt I needed to do again, and do it correctly with someone I trusted and shortly after that experience so that I didn’t turn it into something far more dramatic (like getting back on a bike after falling off?). The second time was complicated, especially with moving on from the previous experience, but I’m grateful I tried anal again. The third time was because I believe I should try something at least twice before passing judgment and the first time didn’t count.

Now? It’s meh. Mr. Texas has been the depth of my experience in this and he realized it was a go-to when he felt frustrated with me (something he had every right to feel in between all the reconciliation attempts with my ex-husband). Since he discovered that motivating factor for him, and because I am so neutral on the whole experience, we haven’t had anal sex in quite some time. Mr. Texas also isn’t the biggest fan, though I believe this to be because it was a turn off for him until we decided to give it a go and he’s slow to change his opinion on things.

So no, I don’t have a thing for anal sex, though at times I quite like anal stimulation.

I’ve also been the giver with pegging my ex-husband and my take away was it was hot to watch him be pleased but didn’t do much for myself, though I did learn that the thrusting motions are far easier from that side than to bounce up and down or even grind as the person being penetrated on top – no wonder men in my life can go forever if they want to.

I’ve also learned that having anal sex makes me feel more submissive somehow, less likely to make decisions or give a call to action – I want him to be pleased first and foremost. Anal sex isn’t unpleasant, I’ve even orgasmed from it, but it’s certainly not my kink and nor something I believe I’ll actively pursue (at least, not yet; my kinks have certainly expanded over time).

Dec 222017
 

https://pixabay.com/en/winter-snow-white-landscape-tree-3009041/

Gorgeous, but freezing. That was the landscape and that was them. Perhaps they were crazy for agreeing to be naked in the snow, and the fact that they both hated the cold, made them tense up when they needed to be fluid and flexible.

Still they trudged along, and gazed at the winter wonderland of the glistening pristine white scenery, even as the snow covered ground made hiking treacherous with hidden rocks and roots below the fluffy, powdery whiteness. It would be a beautiful contrast to the naked skin at least.

They stopped where the air felt thin at the high altitude; they could see their breaths puff in a heated mist in front of their faces.  There was a gnarled tree that seemed to defy the odds, growing atop a large boulder that the wind would not let the snow rest on. The snow was stark white everywhere else with the tree line thinned at the crest and the backdrop view of the mountains was breathtaking – or perhaps that was the chill that seemed to rob them of their breath.

He gave gruff orders as he dropped his pack and took out rope, made even more muffled through his scarf protecting his face. They would have no such protection, hestiantly glanced into each others eyes to see if they dared before they bared their poor skin to the elements. Almost instinctively, they moved close to each other and held arms out to wrap around. He worked the knots around quickly, pressed their bodies even closer together. Soft breasts mashed and created a heated seal, yet still they were aware of each other’s hardened nipples.

“Cold or excited?” one whispered to the other, not wanting to penetrate noise too deeply into the otherwise silence. The rope zinged around itself and whipped her a few times in the momentum, she flinched but was grateful for the speed as that meant that they would be done and dressed sooner.

She realized this whole thing would feel like a race, though she was sure the pictures would come out more serene.

“Both,” was the whispered reply as the other bent down and the hot breath washed against the first’s neck; she laid a gentle kiss, careful to not leave any moisture on the skin as the cold would focus an attack there. The first woman tilted slightly in welcome and it was all the encouragement she needed to continue kissing a bit more intently.

The first woman shivered, though from the kiss or the cold she was unsure. The man continued his work around them, stretched the first woman’s wrists above her head on the branch, her skin was covered in goose bumps and prickled from the chill. The second woman, only being tied to her from the waist down, leaned back a little to cover a nipple in her hot mouth. The nipple felt like it was on fire in sharp contrast, pinpricks of fire melting down her belly and gathering in excitement between her legs.

He had to navigate around them in strange positions to balance between the boulder and the tree with rope being thrown, but did not try to prevent their play. Before the second woman knew it, she was spread out slightly below the first woman, their bodies still touching though her mouth was nowhere near the delectable breast she had just been warming, more towards a knee. Face to face, or knee to face as it more happened to be, the first woman dipped down as far as she could, her lips barely grazing the lower thigh in her bondage to the tree. Still, her lips grazed and she breathed teasingly on the cold skin.

They were not aware of the camera clicks, the whole purpose for this trip, they were too busy trying to explore a new terrain in testing bindings. The second woman craned her neck as far as it would go, though was unable to duplicate the heated mouth on her partner’s thigh.

Like a marionettist, he pulled ropes and limbs and created a story based on the inclinations of the marionettes, careful to move them in the cold, keeping parts that were dangling without heat pressed next to each other in the next shot, worked swiftly but concisely.

He quickly tied rope around the second woman’s waist and between her legs, spreading her lips within reach of the first woman’s, curious if it would be welcomed; he moved quickly to take a picture in case he had to move them.

The second woman was was surprised that as it slid between her folds she felt turned on, despite it hurting slightly in his haste and roughness. She felt incredibly vulnerable; the ice moved in further, and it stung, though suddenly lips and breath chased away the chill and replaced it with warmth at her entrance. Suddenly, her body’s focus gravitated towards that warmth and heat seemingly seeped through her torso.

Eventually, despite the heat and flirtatious tension between the women, the icy chill worked against the rope and their bodies, the ice seeped between them despite the intimately close angles.

“When we are done, I’m sure we’ll feel the snowy air, but we will make it melt with our bodies,” the second woman promised as she was first to be put down on the ground and go towards the clothes warmed by the heated packets in her bag. She disliked that they would have to wait to finish the promise until they got into a warm house, but she was looking forward to the contrasting heat they were bound to create. Hurriedly, she bundled enough to wrap her soon-to-be lover in heated clothing as she too came down from the ropes.

*Read the prompt and it reminded me of this story, rewritten differently around the concept of being tied in the snow for a photo

Nov 122017
 

It was a temptation to push and pull the fragile silken threads from off of her shoulders and expose the breasts which distended the fabric with promise. Her yielding yet unhurriedly undressing made me want to hurt her so as to create some reaction towards me, as I was reacting to her. My gaze was ravenous, admiring, worshiping; she felt it try to penetrate past her reserve, felt how attentive I was to every gesture or movement. She met my gaze completely unashamedly and I did not back down from the intensity, did not pretend how lustful I desired her.

Still, she moved passively, and the more I wanted to behave violently towards her. She was removing clothing with confident deliberateness as if it was a ritual that could not be changed. She looked unapologetic at me and smiled, flashed small even teeth between full lips, and the glimpse of skin on bared shoulders when the silk parted caught the light and held it like the flesh was also made of satin. She held the parted pieces as if unintentionally at her waist, the folds teasingly caught on her stiffened nipples. She continued to look at me as her hand moved away to beckon me closer, the cascading silk revealing a soft satin skin and I needed no further encouragement now that she showed me the smallest interest.

She had lace bra and matching panties with garters, and I’m sure that the creation of lingerie was divine but I was beyond observing heaven; the waiting had been hell and I wanted the heated passion that refused to be tampered down. I rushed to hold my body against hers, my slanted mouth crashed down upon those soft inviting lips so hard I might have tasted blood, pressed her hard into the mattress, pinned her down with hips while my hands were everywhere at once and murmured a false apology as fingers grabbed her stockinged thigh and gripped the gossamer threads to render them apart. Fingertips pressed against warm skin, pushed the thigh to bend to my will and allow my further between her legs, and traveled down the length to the delicate arch of her foot, dragging the destroyed fabric with it.

It made an excellent gag to twist and shove between her tempting lips, tying it along the side of her head. I was unsure if those lips curved into a smile at the reactionary way I was handling her, imagined it if nothing else in my fervor to possess every inch of skin. A knife scratched up the length of leg to travel the cold steel along the side of her hip, the lace parted like soft butter and I gripped it to shove over, exposing the pink glistening of her sex. I quite liked the other half of her leg still the memento of damnable temptation that I was removing to suit my own desires.

More carefully, I slid the blade between the hollow valley of her breasts slowly and watched for her to dare deny this pleasure. Her eyes were half mast as if she too were mesmerized at being bared in such a way, so yanked upwards with such force that the fabric held for just the slightest to also arch her back up towards me before splitting with the force and yielding her softness back onto the mattress and the vision of breasts and pinpointed nipples to my gaze.

My hands would be everywhere at once, so would my mouth, until her cries and pleas beckoned towards heaven.

Oct 082017
 

I have a few go to phrases, “I suck at handjobs,” is one of those. It’s something that I don’t have a lot of practice in because that go-to statement is normally enough to get my off the hook and moving onto things that I do better. The reality is just that it’s a nonpreferred activity in a bag full of fun sexiness, and something that felt awkward to me.

The nitty gritty of that statement is that I feel handjobs are an area of weakness for me and rather than encourage practice and learning about it, I avoid it like the plague. There will be no blemish on my skill level. Nope.

That doesn’t mean that my hand doesn’t wrap around a cock, or that my palm or fingers don’t appreciate sliding up and down to feel how thick and hard he is, the pulse that I can create, the veins that create a contrast to the smoothness. Oh no, I appreciate all of that. My hands will still most likely touch and feel, but they won’t ever promise a motion that promises fulfillment. My hands will work in tandem with my mouth, most often, if fulfillment to him and hands are involved in any way. That’s part of my own fetish anyhow, having him in my mouth, perhaps that’s why: my greedy mouth does not like to step aside for just hands.

I love when a partner shows me how they like to grip themselves, stroke themselves, the pace that gets them off. Besides being visually stunning and a turn on, I do learn from that – just don’t feel confident in that I could duplicate that sensation due to my lack of experience. I will mimic it, but more as a tease and less of an act in itself, stopping rather quickly so I can get to something I feel more confident in. Every man is so vastly different, from my experience, in how they want a handjob that it’s a bit daunting.

There have been some exceptions, I am sure, far far into my past where a man came unexpectedly, but I can’t place one situation. With my ex-husband, I would peg him and stroke him with a hand at the same time, but he took control of the handjob the first time so our go-to was I would encourage him to stroke himself while I fucked him. For us, if he wanted me to give him a handjob until orgasm, I would’ve tried, but he let me off the hook every time – besides our fascination was always deep throating or sex to fulfillment.

With Mr. Texas, he finally vocalized and showed me what he liked, but it is not something that I feel I could duplicate – rather I learned where he likes to be touched best and to what extent – knowledge I use frequently. The few times I have tried to give him a handjob, he has let me know he’d rather do other things – somewhat discouraging me when I feel bold enough to try. Which normally I wouldn’t care about – again, a bag full of fun things to do anyhow, but I would like to try to give him fulfillment in this way, as oftentimes he will just finger me to orgasm without his own pleasure pursuit so I would like to reciprocate… but he doesn’t seem to want me to try? Or perhaps I suck at the act? Maybe his own kink is getting me off without any pleasure being returned? (It’s not our lack of communication that stops me from knowing my answer – it’s my own fear of the answer).

The Wanderer, well, now I have a success story for this post. He loves handjobs – something that filled me with dread, but he is an excellent teacher, and he walked through my first successfully tried handjob. He was able to verbalize exactly what he wanted and needed, and that was such a huge turn on in itself. It was beautiful to witness.

“My hand wrapped around his shaft and he directed to where exactly to hold on the length. Unsure, I squeezed a bit and he directed me to clench harder. Up and down, my fingers felt the muscles and veins and ridges, my palm felt how deliciously hard he was. His encouragement with the timber of his voice, the erotic words directing me, and I found myself growing wet, imagining what I felt in my hand sliding up and down inside my cunt.

As he hardened even more, his thigh muscles tightened and his hips thrusted a bit into my hand, and I felt powerful. I was creating these sensations that he was enjoying, producing pleasure that had nothing to do with me and every bit directed just for him. There is something selfless about a hand job: it allowed me to be more of an observer of his pleasure, gifted me an intimate view of how he reacts and what he liked, such an intimate glimpse.

I felt him pulse and throb against my fingers and palm, watched as his milky orgasm reached its climax and shot out of his cock, heard his groan of satisfaction. It was so hot” – Hot Wax and Hands

[jwplayer mediaid=”7535″]

Sep 242017
 

The first time I wrote about this topic was for Kink of the Week over four years ago. At that point, I had just been spanked for the time after orgasms. I really enjoyed that first time, and slowly, tentatively, carefully I was spanked from time to time – but always after orgasms and never with much frequency.

Kink of the Week also got me to talk about one of the rare times I bruised from having my bottom spanked a year after that, with a partner that was less careful and tentative, and whose spanking I discovered I really enjoyed despite the less orgasm-hazed brain and more with the warm up of just his hand on my skin. I learned that spanking on its own could be something I desired if done right – though far be for me to deny an orgasm.

The following year, again with Kink of the Week, I discussed how hands on my ass has helped me accept that even this part of my body is sexy – before that I thought I lacked the bottom for anyone, myself included, to appreciate.

That post was two years ago and spanking happened irregularly. Since then, I’ve met two men and they both spank me quite a bit.

The Wanderer’s main kink is spanking, and when we first began playing it certainly wasn’t mine – I was still really new to this activity and had a love/hate relationship with it. But I wanted to engage in a kink that he enjoyed, so he gave me my first over-the-knee spanking and showed me the power dynamics that can be felt from just a change of positioning. I have since learned that I enjoy spanking on its own and sometimes want it under the right circumstances. Bare handed spanking is now part of our play, which I had a strong feeling it would be because it was his kink, but I was pleasantly surprised how much I can enjoy it. We engage in this activity so much that I created a category for it on the blog. He’s taught me that spanking on its own can be a whole scene, that sex and other things do not need to occur for me to get something out of it that I need or want. Though again, far be it for me to say no to orgasms – I’ve even orgasmed from being spanked:

“Right when it began to feel good, it began to really sting again. He swatted constantly and consistently at a fast pace and somehow even with my legs rendered useless I managed to twist and turn around his body, wedging myself between him and the bed for protection.

He simply laughed at me and wrapped a solid arm around my waist, continuing his sting assault as he shifted his own body off of the the bench.

I clung to the bench as if it would save my overly dramatic life, pressed my breasts and belly and thighs into it, willing myself to meld into hiding.

He shifted tactics and used thuds – it was probably from his palms but it felt like his fists. My body tensed at the onslaught and I began to clench. More tension and suddenly my body released and surrendered at the pain, creating a pleasurable orgasm in the wake.” – The Brush

At the same time as spanking became part of my play, I was also dating Mr. Texas. He was a vanilla (big emphasis on that past tense word), and spanking seemed to be a good baby step. Mr. Texas doesn’t always like warm up, he loves to see the marks that his hand can create and is often impatient to get there, but he is a natural top in this. (He’s also taught me that I enjoy punching with the thud far more than spanking with the sting.)

He has also made me cry from spanking:

“Mr. Texas’ hands did the real damage as they almost always do, first caressed my reddened cheeks which felt amazing, softly patted a few times, then pulled back and spanked to where the imprint of every finger and thumb connect to his palm was not only visible – it was felt.

I jumped up and elbowed him in the chest, though not hard as I couldn’t see and he stepped back. If we had made eye contact, I’m sure my gaze would have conveyed my dislike over such extreme stingy pain, though he didn’t need to see – he knew how much I disliked it.

“Mother fucker,” I gritted, tip toeing to relieve some sting on my cheek – it didn’t alleviate any. His hand went to my mid back and he pushed me down to bend over the counter again.” – Wet Leather 

Between these two men, spanking has occurred a lot in the last couple of years, as well as the addition of a play partner in a dungeon who has used me as demo bottom for spanking with newbies. I think I claim that bare handed spanking is a kink of mine, something I could not do when I first began writing about it four years ago.

Sep 072017
 

Squirting is a sexual hangup on mine; my very first hangup since becoming sexual active and it happened less than ten years ago. It also occurred with my ex-husband. The first time he made me squirt, he lifted his hand and smelled it. It wasn’t a sexy smelling he was doing, he was checking to see if I peed myself. Since I had never done this before to my awareness*, the sensation certainly felt like I  had. When I saw his hand lift to his nose, it was a horror-movie-moment of slow-motion what-is he-going-to-find? I immediately excused myself and went into the bathroom and cried, mortified and embarrassed. The sexy moment between us had come to a screeching halt and I wished I could have just vanished. The talk afterwards didn’t go well, then, either (once he finally coaxed me out of the bathroom). While we communicated openly and honestly, we just fumbled and stuck our foot in our mouth.

I hated squirting.

Because of that first experience and the fact that he could make me squirt with such ridiculous ease, we compromised that he never sniffed and eventually we settled to only in the shower.

When I squirt, I will cover an entire wrist and leave a pool of my desire dripping onto the sheets or an arm; there has to be enough pressure applied with a vibe or fingers – which curl just the right way inside of me (so far fingering and a vibrator are the only ways that have made me squirt). I dislike the mess outside of a shower, to be honest. Sheet and mattress pad have to be washed, odds are I’ll have to shower – something I don’t feel the urge to do outside most sexual acts but squirting covers so much of my lower half I may as well at least rinse off.

Once, I was able to do this myself with a vibrator.  Feeling the urge to masturbate, I grabbed my vibrator, and without any warm up, forced it through my dry entrance, slowly eased it in, pulled out and smeared my juices inside around my lips. Then I thrusted my vibrating toy in and out, hard, rough, frenzied. I heard my orgasm, the wetness slapping against the vibrator; felt the tension then liquid hitting my hand, little splatterings that surprised me. In that moment I was proud I had accomplished such a feat.

Once, Mr. Texas ordered me to make myself squirt – something my ex-husband accomplished over a video chat once, ordering:

“Harder,” he would urge, “really fuck yourself,” and, “you can go deeper… you won’t be allowed to cum unless you really give it your best effort,” finally followed by the order, “cum”…The sound traveled across miles, from one receiver to another, and hit my body like thunder. I squirted, my fingers and wrist coated from the force, the bottom of my lingerie and the bed catching the drops of the tensioned storm because he knew how to make me do it-even to myself. – My Punishment

I tried for Mr. Texas, but I immediately felt like crying over such an order – I really don’t know how to do it, nor do I even want to (hence why my ex made me- it was a punishment). Truly, what is most frustrating at times is when a partner reads about experiences I’ve had and believes that the dynamics, actions, experiences can happen again. Squirting is elusive now, something that I do not mind in the slightest.

Nowadays, Mr. Texas has gotten me close, and perhaps even achieved this, though I do have a defense mechanism that is instinctively for whatever reason: I hit. I’m sure I did this with my ex-husband but he never paid any heed if I hit him; Mr. Texas stopped immediately, concerned. We’ve talked about why I do this, and so most of the time he still proceeds or even pins down my arm (surprisingly I only instinctively hit with my right, never my left), but squirting orgasms have to be forced from me, and with my own resistance towards them it becomes even more challenging to create this orgasm.

Thankfully, I have so many more less frustrating orgasms, easier to obtain, in such a variety of ways; I’m not sure why squirting orgasms are even desired by a partner. I don’t hate squirting anymore but I can’t claim to like it either.

*I can recall drenching a bed from just fingering and multiple orgasms before my ex-husband, but due to the nature of the multiple orgasms didn’t have the time or the brain power to reflect upon the oddities of the orgasms. I believe that this was my first experience with squirting, about a year prior to meeting my ex-husband.

Aug 152017
 

Kink of the Week’s prompt sparked my interest on names and titles. Actually, that’s like saying I read the prompts and just this one caught my eye – truth is I rarely even know what the prompt is. But I discovered this one, and it’s awesome and thought provoking.

I tackled titles in 30 Days on Kink where I tried to define my kinky self. Then, on the way to a GRUE, Mr. Texas and I were discussing how we define (well, a lot of things), and names and titles are handy for that, though no one model always fits. I stated that I’m going through a kink midlife crisis – I no longer know how to define my kinky self, nor necessarily how to define my relationship with others.

In the 30 Day writing prompt: I defined myself as wife – I am no longer, nor do I have any desire to take on that role.

ADD Brat: yeah, I’m really not that either. I don’t brat often with Mr. Texas – it began as more of trying to show that his role of top would be respected and now is just a natural role with us. I also don’t brat with The Wanderer.

Rope bottom: this has led to the most crisis type feeling with my kink identity as that used to be a primary role I would tell people and now it just doesn’t feel true. I’m sure that rope is still my most responsive kink, but I no longer actively look for it nor do I initiate any rope play. Therefore, can I even really claim this role?

Lightweight bottom: still am this, but I’ve learned I can take far more than I thought possible.

Primal: still am this, though it’s rare I’ll engage, and not with the same intensity (mostly because I’m not physically cool enough).

Switch: I’ve taken on this role far more than I would’ve thought possible.

Submissive: I’ve taken this role far less than I used to.

New to me roles:

Top: A role I find myself enjoying more and more.

Mistress: I’ve been called this in the past on a rare occasion, likewise with the present. It makes me feel slightly like a fraud – I simply don’t feel cool enough for this title, nor does it seem to fit anything I am seeking.

Impact bottom: Surprisingly, I like impact far more than I could’ve thought possible, given my wimpy nature.

Girlfriend: I use this term with vanillas.

Speaking of vanillas…

A few weeks ago Mr. Texas asked what I refer to him as. I asked him in what context.He mentioned that I introduced him as my partner at a rope event. I told him to vanillas, he’s my boyfriend (a term I rarely use), my guy (most frequent), my spouse, or my husband (it’s easier, I found). (No, we’re not legally married.) To kinky people, I refer to him most often as my partner. To people really seeking what type of partner, I would use the term primary, though nesting would work. We’re committed, as much as our relationship defines, and living together and raising little folks. I haven’t quite put a title on it, nor do I feel the urge to (though I know it’s peace of mind to give some sort of shape to dynamics).

The Wanderer and I also recently had a discussion on roles and titles. He has a few he uses for me, though to be honest none of them stick in my head where I could even state them now. I wouldn’t even know how to define our relationship – and I expressed the vague sort of titles I would use for him, though admitted that none felt accurate.

I really dislike titles and roles, though again I know people use whatever vocabulary they have at hand to try to describe just how important a person is to them, and what they consider themselves to be. I am not picking my titles, I’m okay with people defining how they will, and I’m trying to give the same respect when asked how I would describe them (though I’m not assigning titles or roles even in my head either).

The problem…

At the GRUE, there were great conversations on defining what the term relationship even meant to an individual, and what sort of poly they were (if they were poly). Defining things, people, ourselves seem to matter, regardless of how much I dislike doing so – it does increase effective communication with others, something I dearly want.

And the hard limits:

I have a serious dislike of the term “girl” in reference to myself, it just takes me out of my head space in unpleasant ways. Likewise, daddy or mommy (or other parental names) wouldn’t work for me either. I am indifferent on names like slut, I’m learning – it simply does nothing for me.