Jan 212018
 

I am immensely curious: what’s in your player pack?

When I first began the negotiations between Mimir and myself (though realistically the real negotiations happened between Mimir and my ex-husband on what makes me tick and the scenes I like), Mimir requested a few items be kept at his house, that he would put in a bag for just me (I wasn’t his only partner). When we broke it off because I was moving across country, he return my pack of items – including the bag I originally dropped off the items in.

I consider this a player pack, and for some reason I woke up this morning and thought of what items were in that bag (most of the bag is still intact). We would use far more items than what was in this pack, but it was a collection of things that were just between us (not to mention that he had a playlist as well tailored towards our scenes).

In our player pack was:

  • Rope for fluid bonding: he was the first one that made me conscious of that as my ex-husband and I never thought of it, he also suggested I provided it since I’m super picky about my rope and he knew it being my friend first;
  • Blindfold: he bought this and I began to appreciate how a blindfold fit my face just right – it’s cute pink satin with a blank outline of a wink and is still my go-to blindfold;
  • A glass dildo;
  • Wartenberg wheel: such an evil little thing;
  • A soft dildo attachment for the Hitachi wand;
  • Clothespins – though he had stuck them in there I don’t believe that we had used them yet – it may have been for future scene he was planning.

It made me curious about if I had to create a player pack currently – just a few go-to items, what would my current player packs look like (which of course would not include everything we play with, just what is most used)?

Mr. Texas does not have a bag since we live together, but if he had a player pack it would include:

  • a blindfold (the same one Mimir gave me as it’s my favorite);
  • a cane that is just between the two of us;
  • a crop I use on him more than the other way around (that The Wanderer bought me);
  • a vibrator is beginning to factor more in which I’m thrilled about.
  • Rope that I’m fluid bonded to, though I don’t think rope factors very much into our play,
  • the same with a particular knife that we agreed is just between us.
  • A new addition is a curry comb – such an interesting combination of sensations and uses I’m learning.
  • I’d like if an anal plug would become a bit more frequent as well.

The Wanderer is mostly out of my everywhere rope bag as we both meet while traveling:

  • so a blindfold – I have several to choose from – my favorite is purple leather, though I have a longer scarf length of silk that I purchase to also use with some rope suspensions;
  • my rope that I fluid bonded to since orgasm play tends to be a big part of our dynamic;
  • nipple clamps;
  • and then out of my usual rope bag is one of his evil belts and my vibrator.

Apparently, a blindfold is an absolute must for me – both as a top and as a bottom; not being able to see is so hot on both sides of the coin, the surprise of what is to come. I believe it will always be a go-to in any bag/dynamic for me.

Player packs don’t have to be very big, as with my two current partners their hands are the most used toys, but extra things that are used regularly – what would those be?

And now I’m immensely curious: what are in other people’s player packs?

If you feel comfortable enough – would you share with me?

Wicked Wednesday

Sep 112017
 

1. What is your reality?

This feels like a very philosophical question, and I hate all my philosophy classes, so maybe that’s the answer? 

I hate philosophy. 

2. Will you have sex today? This week?

Odds are pretty strong I’ll have it again, maybe a couple of times more depending on scheduling around family, and already had sex today. This week is a guarantee – Mr. Texas and I have figured out crankiness ensues if sex does not happen regularly.

3. What did you hate doing this past weekend?

I hate arguing, to which it seems I do quite a bit of. Cleaning wasn’t too bad – of that I do very little of anyhow, and it’s always by choice nowadays. Yeah, I’m spoiled being a sugar mama – almost zero work around the house. 

4. What did you love doing this past weekend?

Slow dancing in the living room, binge watching a great show (something I do rarely), playing with my fur babies.

5. Which new technology have you found most helpful in your life? Which do you find to be the most annoying?

My phone has to be my lifeline somedays, though that’s not new technology. I hate any technology that requires fixing of any sort – it’s my automatic crazy button to an emotional meltdown. 

Bonus: Go do last week’s TMI questions that were posted on Friday. Great questions!

1. You are going to make a sexy weekend with your lover. Which one are you most likely to enjoy? Which of the activities is most likely to happen?
a. Cook dinner together
b. Play a sexy game
c. Take a bath together

Cooking dinner together is most likely to happen as we’ve done that several times (and dancing in between), though taking a bath together sounds divine – once I can afford to get a custom tub that will fit the two of us.

2. Will you watch porn this weekend? Alone or with someone?

Most likely I will somewhat watch porn (does Tumblr count as porn?) and alone

3. Sexy games–pick one you’d like to play? Why?
a. Naked twister or
b. Strip trivial pursuit – I’m more likely to be better at this

3. Friday night you hit happy hour, you meet a super sexy woman/man and the two of you chat and laugh the night away. She/he leans into you and says, “You’re irresistible, can I touch your pussy/cock?’ What is your answer?

Depends on my mood, and more importantly: am I ovulating (far more likely a yes then)?

4. What do you really have planned for the weekend?

I may travel this weekend, kind of leaving it up to a family member

5. Does this TMI on a Friday have you changing your weekend plans?

Nope, not a bit.

Bonus: What you like to do on the weekend but never seem to get the chance?

Again, that depends on my mood. I’d love to travel more but that’s more financial reasons, not to mention I’ve been incredibly hermit-like recently.

————

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Aug 152017
 

Kink of the Week’s prompt sparked my interest on names and titles. Actually, that’s like saying I read the prompts and just this one caught my eye – truth is I rarely even know what the prompt is. But I discovered this one, and it’s awesome and thought provoking.

I tackled titles in 30 Days on Kink where I tried to define my kinky self. Then, on the way to a GRUE, Mr. Texas and I were discussing how we define (well, a lot of things), and names and titles are handy for that, though no one model always fits. I stated that I’m going through a kink midlife crisis – I no longer know how to define my kinky self, nor necessarily how to define my relationship with others.

In the 30 Day writing prompt: I defined myself as wife – I am no longer, nor do I have any desire to take on that role.

ADD Brat: yeah, I’m really not that either. I don’t brat often with Mr. Texas – it began as more of trying to show that his role of top would be respected and now is just a natural role with us. I also don’t brat with The Wanderer.

Rope bottom: this has led to the most crisis type feeling with my kink identity as that used to be a primary role I would tell people and now it just doesn’t feel true. I’m sure that rope is still my most responsive kink, but I no longer actively look for it nor do I initiate any rope play. Therefore, can I even really claim this role?

Lightweight bottom: still am this, but I’ve learned I can take far more than I thought possible.

Primal: still am this, though it’s rare I’ll engage, and not with the same intensity (mostly because I’m not physically cool enough).

Switch: I’ve taken on this role far more than I would’ve thought possible.

Submissive: I’ve taken this role far less than I used to.

New to me roles:

Top: A role I find myself enjoying more and more.

Mistress: I’ve been called this in the past on a rare occasion, likewise with the present. It makes me feel slightly like a fraud – I simply don’t feel cool enough for this title, nor does it seem to fit anything I am seeking.

Impact bottom: Surprisingly, I like impact far more than I could’ve thought possible, given my wimpy nature.

Girlfriend: I use this term with vanillas.

Speaking of vanillas…

A few weeks ago Mr. Texas asked what I refer to him as. I asked him in what context.He mentioned that I introduced him as my partner at a rope event. I told him to vanillas, he’s my boyfriend (a term I rarely use), my guy (most frequent), my spouse, or my husband (it’s easier, I found). (No, we’re not legally married.) To kinky people, I refer to him most often as my partner. To people really seeking what type of partner, I would use the term primary, though nesting would work. We’re committed, as much as our relationship defines, and living together and raising little folks. I haven’t quite put a title on it, nor do I feel the urge to (though I know it’s peace of mind to give some sort of shape to dynamics).

The Wanderer and I also recently had a discussion on roles and titles. He has a few he uses for me, though to be honest none of them stick in my head where I could even state them now. I wouldn’t even know how to define our relationship – and I expressed the vague sort of titles I would use for him, though admitted that none felt accurate.

I really dislike titles and roles, though again I know people use whatever vocabulary they have at hand to try to describe just how important a person is to them, and what they consider themselves to be. I am not picking my titles, I’m okay with people defining how they will, and I’m trying to give the same respect when asked how I would describe them (though I’m not assigning titles or roles even in my head either).

The problem…

At the GRUE, there were great conversations on defining what the term relationship even meant to an individual, and what sort of poly they were (if they were poly). Defining things, people, ourselves seem to matter, regardless of how much I dislike doing so – it does increase effective communication with others, something I dearly want.

And the hard limits:

I have a serious dislike of the term “girl” in reference to myself, it just takes me out of my head space in unpleasant ways. Likewise, daddy or mommy (or other parental names) wouldn’t work for me either. I am indifferent on names like slut, I’m learning – it simply does nothing for me.

Apr 142017
 

*For the month of April, I am going to purge my drafts of my off-and-on reconciliation attempts with my ex-husband last year. They are still painful, and will be incredibly rough drafts, as I am literally purging emotions and some bittersweet memories. I may also mix in some current stuff just to give myself a break, or to reflect where I am now.

I wrote this on Valentine’s Day, one year before he turned me out of his life. 

1 in a bar full of men, I only had eyes for you

2 you are always supportive of me

3 you do little things to show me you love me, like make the bed, or leave me a note

4 you’re a good dresser

5 you have the upmost respect for women

6 if you’re concentrated, you get grumpy if interrupted

7 you have a huge smile when you tease and deal with my brat times

8 you can pick up something and make it look easy (crafts, bowling, skiing, etc)

9 you are open minded and compassionate

10 you are a fierce snuggler

11 you always have to touch me if I’m in reach

12 your voice slows down and gets softer when talking to females or elderly

13 you always wait till the last minute

14 you’re a good dancer, even when you strip

15 you try not to let me see the tupperware when it’s gross, even changing your mind about bringing it in if I’m nearby

16 you draw your eyebrows together when you decide your done talking about a conversation

17 you only gesture when you’re in a good mood, you will occasionally do knife hands when angry

18 you are a good cook

19 you rock my world in bed and are adventurous

20 the noises you make when you cum

21 your gruff morning voice

Apr 132017
 

“You never hear of the bullet that hits you, it is one of the few blessings of battle.” – Burke Davis, Marine! the Life Chesty Puller

My ex-husband wrote me a list of reasons why he loved me and our life together one week before I drove out to be with him, a drive that he turned me away from him once I arrived. With texts like this, perhaps it may make sense on why I didn’t see the bullet that killed us. Hello purging, glad you are now deleted from my phone.

  • I love the way you look at me when we wake up together, that sparkle in your eyes and that smile you get, especially when you know we are about to have some wonderful morning sex.
  • I love the way you are willing to jump into anything.
  • I like it when you take control, it makes me go crazy and turns me on so much like nothing else.
  • I love how giddy you get when we are going or doing something new!
  • I also like how you try to involve everybody and don’t let people feel left out.
  • I love how we are each others biggest fans and supporters.
  • I love how we drive and encourage each other to be the best that we can, even when it sucks to do so.
  • I love how we can just talk forever and not stop.
  • I can not wait to finally really go RV shopping with you!
  • I love you too, soulmate. Copilot to the open roads.
  • Our home will have a hide away library/romper room we will spend hours in…..
  • We will be those people that will have a map of the United States and get stickers to fill in the entire thing!
  • I am going to have my mini pitbull and you will have your Pom and we will happily fit in the home and RV
  • We are going to be busy people when we retire. There is so much traveling we need to do, not just in the RV but all I’ve r the world. We have talked so much about our worldly travels we will have and I can not wait to begin them. I mean I get to be stuck on a plane with you for over 8 hours that is a great start!
  • Another thing I love about you and I, we get each other what we want.
  • When we retire and build our own house, I will put in a beautiful garden and maybe a green house, so we can have wonderful flower year round.
  • I can’t wait to start exploring this new area with you!

Apr 102017
 

*For the month of April, I am going to purge my drafts of my off-and-on reconciliation attempts with my ex-husband last year. They are still painful, and will be incredibly rough drafts, as I am literally purging emotions and some bittersweet memories. I may also mix in some current stuff just to give myself a break, or to reflect where I am now.

As we discussed a plan where I was going to dominant him (after our pegging went so well), I started taking notes and buying some things. It was our second weekend where he would be cheating on his girlfriend, and he approached it as the weekend where he would make his final decision as to who he would choose (yeah, right, sadly that went on for awhile).

We didn’t do the scene that I so carefully crafted, as he became angry at me after the second day and abruptly left. Months later he was still asking me, when his curiosity got the better of him, what I had planned for him. I lied and told him I had deleted the list when I found out he used the items that I had bought for his scene on his girlfriend.

Have I shared that I write everything down? This blog is only the teeny tiny tip of the iceberg, but most really don’t need to be shared.

However, in the interest of purging, which is what I’m doing this month, I am deleting this list (in a manner of speaking) by putting it out here.

The list:

knife

candle

chains

anal hook

violet wand

clothes pins

coconut rope

paddle

wedge with penis down, doxy

wheel

blindfold

gag

rope

futos tied tightly in legs, legs spread ass up, wrists tied

 

**that’s the list. I’m not going to go into detail (because I’m getting rid of, not fantasizing about, him) about the scene or even adding details slightly the way I may in notes.

Apr 072017
 

*Switch: A person who vacillates between dominant (I’ll also use topping) and submissive (bottoming) roles within relations.

So at the GRUE (conference/event), one of the most engaging things to me was a conversation about switching. It was looked down a lot, kind of the way bisexuality is at times: being too flighty to pick a side or not really knowing which side to choose rather than a valid choice and natural instinct.

In my new state, a lot of people identify as switch, by far the majority from what I’ve observed. Once in room full of people, the presenter asked how many identify as a switch and everyone but the presenter raised their hand. It’s a bit odd, but at the GRUE it made for an excellent conversation. Such topics were:

 How do you switch with another switch? My ex husband and I were both switches (to an extent, he was always a service top if he topped). Our dynamics were always very clear to us – there was no mistaking our role for whatever the occasion – a very strange and special knowledge of knowing each other so intimately. He would voice if he needed me to top him, otherwise the dynamic was he would top me. At times we would go for more of a primal, fight to be on top, role but that was even clearly telegraphed in an unspoken manner between us.

In speaking and listening to others at this conference, I realized just how rare and special that dynamic was as there was little conflict in just knowing what the other wanted and being so attuned as to grant it.

Mr. Texas and I are switches, and while we haven’t been together nearly as long and are no where near as attuned to each other, the agreement is for the most part he tops. We do have a few of these complications that others discussed of two switches being together; for example, sometimes it’s unclear who wants to bottom – I top far more than I ever did with my ex. We will also sometimes switch mid scene. The rule that is keeping us the most satisfied in this dynamic is regardless of who is on bottom at first, I cannot go from bottoming to topping. I just cannot get my head space right to submit and then dominate, whereas he can because he can only take so much pain, which brings me to my next topic that was discussed…

Many of them had triggers that would flip the switch. This shocked me to hear, as many of them discussed how mid-scene they would grab the implement they were being hit with and hit the person topping them. I have never felt this urge, it would not even occur to me. To me, that’s a consent violation unless it was agreed upon. I addressed perhaps a need to disclaim that in part of the negotiations to my fellow switches, as a collective group we were trying to come up to some solutions to some of the issues of being a switch.

Mr. Texas and I, prior to the GRUE, did not switch mid-scene. He would ask me to mid-scene after he topped me for awhile, but I always declined (again, can’t do the head space) until we came the agreement that the order could be reversed (I could go from top to bottom). What began as a negotiation and honest communication with what made us tick has worked to our benefit, as Mr. Texas doesn’t necessarily have a trigger that makes him flip roles – it’s more of a pain threshold that he can no longer tolerate but doesn’t want to call an end to. I am really having fun exploring my more sadistic side with Mr. Texas in a way that was unforeseen, but Mr. Texas is not a masochist (we both love each other’s reactions in this dynamic) so once he’s done but too stubborn to color, he simply grabs me and flips me under him, often with a hand around my throat – a simple and consistent action that always gets me in a submitting headspace.

What I have also discovered since the GRUE is that Mr. Texas does have a sensual trigger that makes me want to top me: when I am not obviously topping but being more playful, I will sometimes straddle him, tease him with my body, have the tip of his head right at my entrance and deny him, press my breasts against his chest, and nip at his neck. It’s really the nipping at his neck that triggers him, his moans turn into growls and he begins to grip and grab at me to position certain ways. This tends to turn into a fight for top but only briefly (nowhere near the savage intensity my ex and I played at, which I am fine with).

What’s the difference between switching and bratty. 

*Brat: Within the BDSM lifestyle, the term brat is usually applied to a person of a submissive nature who acts up or causes trouble in order to attract attention. This is generally frowned upon as it is classed as topping from the bottom and trying to control the situation.

I am not sure if the group ever could clearly define this question posed. Bratty also tends to have a negative connotation in the BDSM scene. I know that I am not bratty with Mr. Texas (except once when he asked for a picture while he was at work), but that I was occasionally bratty with my ex husband. Bratty is almost a challenge in my mind and Mr. Texas is new to this role so I try not to challenge him as he needs to gain confidence in it. I was a brat with my ex whenever I wanted his attention, most often when he would tie me and was more focused on the rope than me – a common occurrence. I have not been bratty to The Wanderer – again our dynamic has always been firm in roles, though I am playful at times to get him away from his serious nature, but never in a challenging way or to gain attention. I don’t know if I will be clearly defining the difference but switching is a role and bratty is a mood to me.

The need to address the things done incorrectly. How we know both sides of the coin and will invariably meet up with people that we’re more knowledgeable but will bottom for. It’s somewhat inevitable that the longer someone is in the lifestyle and educates themselves, that they will know more than the person topping them. It’s the case with Mr. Texas, as he knew nothing so I topped from the bottom as I taught him (which wasn’t the case with everything, some things he just instinctively knew), and I teach him what I do know. Sometimes it’s with demonstrating on him, sometimes it’s talking him through something, and sometimes it’s going to educational events with him. Regardless, it revolves around honest and authentic communication – something anyone with any amount of knowledge should do with the person they are engaging with.
*Terms defined by Urban Dictionary

Mar 262017
 

The Wanderer and I spent a night together in which he immediately, with no warm up, beat my ass with a thick leather belt and created welts that marked for a week. We did so many things in the short amount of time we spent in the hotel. Here’s three:

Throat. Something I know he doesn’t do much of but something I enjoy is a hand around my throat. After a belt spanking, playing around a bit, dinner, orgasms, and a spanking, he laid me on the bed and fingered me to an orgasm. Nothing out of the usual, until his hand went around my throat. I’m pretty sure it was for my benefit far more than his, but instantly his large hand held my every thought. That physical reminder that I was vulnerable was all I needed to surrender any shred of control to him. He didn’t apply a lot of pressure along my pulse on either side of my neck, but I didn’t need it to feel powerless. I shut my eyes, focused on his other fingers deep inside of me and curling slightly, rubbing at place that had me crying out and shuddering in ecstasy.

Hot wax. The sad fact is that we were planning on playing with wax six months prior – he even bought the candles. But then I reconciled with my husband, so that didn’t work out at all. I had actually used one candle he bought on my friend – to show her how sensual and intimate wax and knife feels.

With The Wanderer, it was what I thought it would be – sensual and intimate. I was fuzzy brained from pain, tired from orgasms, yet for some reason I was a bit squirmy every time the drops hit my body. It hurt and stung in a way that I was surprised with, but perhaps my head space was all over the place by that point. He measured the drops, his eyes never leaving my body – I was the sole focus of his attention, something that I adore with any type of scene – the sole focus and connection found. After awhile, the pattering of the drops calmed me and I was able to breathe a bit into the rhythm he set, to watch his gaze, drops sizzling and then cooling to hardened little reminders of his travel. He teased around my nipple, not quite touching it but circled around. My skin was pinpoints along the trails, flushed from his attention as much as the heat.

Hand job. Prior to the wax, he had requested a hand job. If anyone were to ask me my deficiency in the bedroom, I would tell them that it was a hand job. I rarely even attempt to give them, and here he was asking for one. “You’ll have to teach me,” I warned. So he promised me he would, and he was an excellent teacher, able to verbalize exactly what it was he wanted from me. My hand wrapped around his shaft and he directed to where exactly to hold on the length. Unsure, I squeezed a bit and he directed me to clench harder. Up and down, my fingers felt the muscles and veins and ridges, my palm felt how deliciously hard he was. His encouragement with the timber of his voice, the erotic words directing me, and I found myself growing wet, imagining what I felt in my hand sliding up and down inside my cunt.

As he hardened even more, his thigh muscles tightened and his hips thrusted a bit into my hand, and I felt powerful. I was creating these sensations that he was enjoying, producing pleasure that had nothing to do with me and every bit directed just for him. There is something selfless about a hand job: it allowed me to be more of an observer of his pleasure, gifted me an intimate view of how he reacts and what he liked, such an intimate glimpse.

I felt him pulse and throb against my fingers and palm, watched as his milky orgasm reached its climax and shot out of his cock, heard his groan of satisfaction. It was so hot.

I can’t wait to see him and learn some new techniques to pleasure him with my hand(s).

Masturbation Monday Week 134To read his thoughts on hand jobs, click here. To see a picture of the wax, click here.

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Mar 222017
 

Don’t come empty handed, I’m a handful.

I am not an autopilot woman. You cannot let do my thing without some involvement. If you leave me, if you neglect me, if you do not provide the things that I need to run a course that we have set together, I will run in a different direction – it is just who I am.

I don’t require a lot, depending on the level of intimacy you want with me.

A one night stand: be attractive to me physically, and show some skill and a little consideration in the bedroom, brings condoms – you know what fits you best and what you prefer.

Play Partners: show aftercare – even if it’s just checking in the day after; show you know my interests and levels and try to meet me halfway towards your own, respect my boundaries.

Long Term Play Partner: show thoughtfulness and communication that is somewhat consistent (not daily, but perhaps weekly?), share the desires and fantasies so that I maintain a clue about wants. Create a safe space to share without judgment. Do all the things that a play partner would do.

A lover: show skill in the bedroom, be generous with orgasms, know what makes me hot, allow me to please you, talk to me on intimate matters, stay in contact a bit more than weekly, share desires. Do all the things that a one night stand would do.

A relationship: know what makes me tick, believe me when I tell you what I need (I don’t expect anyone to mind read), respect my need for independence is just as strong as my need to be supported, listen, daily communication, share dreams, goals, desires, fantasies, get along with my kids, introduce me to your family, understand that I won’t always be around and I will also respect your need to get away with friends and space and hobbies. Do all the things that every single one of these roles would do (perhaps minus the condoms if we’re fluid bonded).
Wicked Wednesday

Jan 302017
 

Wicked Wednesday

A post about the last three months choosing my favorite or most revealing photos and posts and giving some background information; also listing accomplishments. I’m also going to be showcasing a blogger that I absolute adore each month with some favorite postings of theirs (hopefully I can showcase at least six bloggers this year as last year that’s at least what I got to).

November:

“After seeing the body of my sister, I was desperate to be held, to be fucked, to forget for at least moments the day’s events. I texted a friend, David… I was passed around and cuddled with a few friends as we watched the shows – have I mentioned enough how much I miss these people? There’s something that I found in this area that I’m just not finding in my new state.” – Supportive Friends

At the end of October, my vibrant and brilliant sis, A, died unexpectedly. I traveled back to where I just moved away from to deal with her death and was reminded just how fortunate I was to have such great friends. When dealing with soul crushing loss, it’s important to have a support system, and for the days that I was there and face to face with my grief, I was lucky to be surrounded by friends. I also showed growth in that I reached out to have sex in a more comfortable setting than a one night stand by contacting a friend.

Photo: This month I sorted through so many of my sister’s photos and tried to show case just how beautiful and creative she was as a celebration to what she had already done and never shown.

Accomplishment: Memories, a writing found in drafts that my sister wrote, and honored in Wicked Wednesday’s roundup.

An Often Read Blogger: Girl on the Net.  She’s capable of turning me on, of ranting about some things that should be tackled, of making my laugh, of inspiring my own writing.  Don’t Tell Me Sucking Dick is Easy and it’s brilliantly angry. I am insulted that someone would ever claim that fellatio is easy or simple. She writes A Story About Hard Fucking due to confidence. There is nothing hotter than the attitude my partner has that she describes in such sexy detail. Where are all the pervy women,  about not only where they are (everywhere), and not as fantasy-like as the question may insinuate, but why they may be hard to find. Girl on the Net takes on a position on something debated about in a way only she can: Faking Orgasms isn’t as Bad as You Think.  Sometimes in faking an orgasm, I have pushed myself to have a real one. And I love when he cums. A hot read is why she likes Butt Plugs. Then there’s such a fascinating story of worthless tokens which have a wealth of meaning; an excellent way to handle conflicts.

December:

  • “I viewed my sister’s body and can no longer deny that she is dead;
  • I cried hysterically as I laid my head next to hers;
  • I stroked her glorious hair (she had amazing hair);
  • I say a tentative goodbye (I know there’s many more);
  • I comforted my father – a man that rarely even expresses emotions;
  • I bemoaned why there would even be a viewing – how morbid!
  • I get drunk at lunch as my father keeps ordering more and more drinks.
  • I go back to the bed that she used to sleep in and take a long nap.
  • My friends hear about my day and graciously kidnapped me,
  • We head towards a kink event which was at a swinger’s club,
  • I am distracted by the wonderful performances of my skilled friends,
  • I am kissed and cuddled by David,
  • I have incredibly public sex with David,
  • I ride the sybian,
  • He rides the sybian.
  • And then I said goodbye to friends and he took me back to my sister’s house,
  • where during the ride home I tell him for the first time I just lost my sister and he reacted very compassionately” – David Holds Me

David and I had a busy night following an incredibly stressful day. I know that sometimes I turn to sex the way others turn to a drug, but I am learning my own limitations with doing so. I still get out of comfort zones and do things I normally wouldn’t when truly stress as a form of escape, but am seeking more supportive environments to do so. And let me mention again that I am so lucky to have such amazing friends.

:Photo: I’ve been learning to play with a violet wand.

Accomplishment: Writing About It All, honored in Wicked Wednesday’s roundup

An Often Read Blogger: A Slave to MasterI’m going to do this blogger a huge disservice in not really quoting any of her more spectacular posts. I also don’t comment all that often (of course, recently I don’t comment much at all on anyone). But she writes regularly, honestly, and often in such a hot manner. I can’t always envision myself in her situations, she has a different mindset than I do, but that is what makes her spectacular.

January: 

“It’s a scary step.

I still fight the feeling that I need to stand on my own, that I need to find myself amid all this chaotic life changing loss, that I am relying on another so heavily.

I have always been the reliable one, the one that my family and even my ex husband relied on, the stead fast one, always known who I was, what I wanted, and how to get there.

I’ve no clue anymore. My heart is shattered in so many pieces I am shocked that anyone wants to hold the slivers and be in my broken company.

Maybe, even if I’m doing this wrong or for the wrong reasons, it’s what is right for right now.

And maybe it’s time I set aside my worry and allow Mr. Texas to soothe my vulnerability with love (and yes, even opening myself up to another potential loss).” – Crash

January saw me acknowledging how important Mr. Texas is in my life and opening myself up to be vulnerable again. It also was a final acceptance that I have no clue about my own life right now and I feel utterly lost. I hope I find myself again – I’m not all bad.

:Photo

Accomplishment: Kayla Lords mentioned my post Pavlov’s Music in her weekly newsletter. 

An Often Read Blogger: Graydancer.Naiia BoundThis is also the first person to ever tie me, so I may slightly prejudice. Ever have a passion or dream and follow it as a career? Graydancer has. He has many different blogs, a podcast, travels extensively to present an unusual concept: an unconference at both Ropenspace with Murphy Blue, and GRUE, not to mention all the other classes/events/communities he participates or teaches at. I especially like to read him at  Love. Life. Practice…  A guest presenter, Naiia Bound,  that you can find at his blog discusses some hard topics like Kink and Depression, and growing older in kink and dealing with some of the complications that brings.