Aug 222017
 

1. For you, can sex be separated from love?

Absolutely it can, actually it usually is. 
2. Can sex be separated from caring?

I don’t know about this one, but my one night stand experiences would lend credence to this. I didn’t care much for someone I had just met, but likewise I wasn’t uncaring. I wanted a mutually beneficial physical good time. 
3. Men: Does sex seem to be something that you can never get enough of and are constantly seeking or thinking about?

I do not identify as a man, but this seems to apply more directly to me than the other question for women. I used to be more like this, honestly my drive is finally calming down (some times, last night would be a poor example as I kept poor Mr. Texas up all night with my demands). 
4. Women: Is sex secondary to intimacy, physical closeness, and commitment?

Sex seems to come first for me, and the other things mentioned just sort of fall together around our sex life. Although with my friends, physical closeness may come before sex.
5. Who is more discriminating in choosing sexual partners–you or your significant other?

For Mr. Texas: for sure he is more discriminating. We actually had a discussion recently where I bemoaned the fact that he was so particular. 

I am unsure of The Wanderer’s preferences and discriminating factors. For him perhaps it’s more of a matter of time and convenience, though I think he would be somewhat discriminating.

Bonus: Who is more likely to take on additional sexual partners, you or your significant other?

As with the above, I am far more likely to take on additional partners, in comparison to my significant others, at least if I were to look at the past and present as indicators. 

————

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Apr 052017
 

The conversations pieces were from notes (in bold) that I posted in this blog February 2nd, 2016 and I show I last modified this post in May of 2016. Some of them blurred as to exactly when they occurred as I truly was an emotional wreck on the drive and for a few weeks after he asked for the divorce. I believe the May edits were probably more of spelling edits and of course my introduction (before the bold) was just written).

My letter D for this year was almost my letter D for last year with the post Driving, but I wasn’t to that part of the story yet, so I modified it to be P for Pressure:

“I drove across the country, literally from one coast to the other, with my family and what belongings I could take. I only stopped to sleep, get gas, and food. I was exhausted but pushed on, rushing because I was finally going to moving in with my husband and I had job interviews to make.

Every time he talked to me, he mentioned how hard it was for him to know that soon he wouldn’t see his girlfriend all the time, how great his girlfriend was, how soon I would meet her, asking how soon I would allow them to see each other all the time again. He told me the night before I was to arrive that she sent me a message asking when I would meet her so that I would be fine with them.

Five hours before I arrived, 42 hours later on the road, he told me that some kink events I wanted to go to I couldn’t, because I was a bad person, because he went to those things with her and it just wasn’t right that we would be going instead of him with her.

I told him, exhausted and really tired of every mile closer to him getting more negative about my arrival because of what it meant to their relationship, that I didn’t want him to have a relationship with her anymore….”

I shouldn’t have pushed for him to end their relationship, perhaps I was beyond tired and emotional from the trip. What I didn’t share (but of course wrote down because I write down every damn thing it seems) is some of the conversations I was having with him (not her, she reached out too, a reason why I blocked her on Fetlife later).

“Shy timid virgin foreplay” were words he used to describe how she was so very different from me, some qualities that he really appreciated. He felt that he could mold her, teach her, something I knew he always found appealing and why he used to explain his surprise at liking “someone like me” when we first started dating – he used to look down upon and judge women who were very experiences sexually. He found the concept of virgins or inexperienced women appealing. I was trying to be happy for him at this point in the car drive still, and he only ever wanted to talk about her, kept diverted the conversation I was trying to steer of plans of seeing each other again and our future back to her. I had probably prompted the conversation to thing that he had experienced that perhaps I could do as well, and he dismissed my ability to do so with this type of talk.
“So tight,” a comparison I didn’t want to hear (if it was even a comparison or just a description) and one that pinged so many of my insecurities that I winced at even through the phone as if I’d been hit. I have no idea why he felt the urge to explain her in this towards the end a long day of my driving closer to him. It led to keeping me awake that night in a hotel room, trying to talk myself away from so many fears.

Doing new things,” and all the sudden, the closer I got to him on the drive, the more he shared about wanting to experience new things with her, and what they had already done that was new to him; including “cutting with my knife,” and  “buying of toys.” I was incredibly upset over the knife that I viewed so symbolically as ours, as leading us towards kink, being used on another woman. He had other knives, but he used ours. I tried to convince myself that I had no right to get upset because I had never vocalized how I viewed the knife as just ours, never thought to. It wasn’t his fault – he probably just naturally gravitated towards that knife for use on another because that what he knew from us.

Day two on the road and his grumpy tone of: “When will I see her again”, how he would miss sleeping next to her, telling me to check her Fetlife “message to meet,” and respond, though I was driving, to give her reassurance – which I did and wanted to. Later in the day he described how they were both crying at the loss that my arrival would mean, “how she was already pushing for more,” though the details of what that meant were vague, though he stated that soon he would want her to live with us. He said that he didn’t want to go to events with me because what if she was there, and they had already, in the two weeks that he knew her, had already gone to several public events together and that was their thing. When I argued that, he compromised me on some events he would go to with me, but ensuring that she wouldn’t be there first.

When I mentioned that suddenly I felt like she was more important, he stated that she was “no more important than you,” and I felt done with the drive towards his, felt like I was no longer important at all, felt like a woman he knew for two weeks would always be a priority over me, the family and future, we had built together.

I felt like he no longer wanted any part of that. As I drove towards him, I made an ultimatum: I didn’t want him to see her while we settled in for a few weeks, and then when kept describing how wonderful she was and how awful I was, I further that threat and said that he had a choice of her or me.

42 hours on the road, when I could no longer turn around nor veer towards somewhere else for the night: was when he told me he wanted a divorce, no longer wanted to be with me. 5 more hours more I was in front of his door, having no where else to go, exhausted and hysterical, begging for him to forgive me and be with me.

So these were the conversations or notes in bold that occurred, that broke my heart little by little each mile I traversed.

Dec 192016
 
I wrote up something and then saw Rebel’s prompt, so thought I’d extend my original writing:
12 Gifts I’ve received this year from The Wanderer:
  1.  crop that scared me but ended up being very cool
  2.  hands that are so capable of the pleasure/pain I crave
  3.  beautiful purple rope that positively sparkles
  4.  an experience with clothespins that I still find hot
  5.  lobster lunch, a walk on the beach, and the considerate mannerisms that came from it
  6. an hour where I explored and rubbed and kissed and caressed my lover’s body
  7.  a playground with a gorgeous view for three days
  8.  sharing our times with words
  9.  knife to add to our growing collective pile of kinky times
  10.  candles to go along with the knife
  11.  texts messages to strengthen our relationship
  12. ORGASMS!!
12 Glorious moments this year with Mr. Texas: 
  1. corrupting a vanilla
  2. bruises and beatings
  3. patience, understanding, consideration
  4. having him accept me as I am
  5. painting the bedroom a color I love
  6. giving me sense of family with blending our kids
  7. rarely making coffee, and hot tub time every evening
  8. a high sex drive to match my own
  9. a person to fall asleep next to every night
  10. home made meals
  11. going to kink events with him
  12. ORGASMS!!
12 Reasons to be Grateful this year, despite how terrible it truly was:
  1. Family
  2. The two men mentioned here
  3. My children
  4. My brother in law for taking such good care of my sissy
  5. Friends
  6. Kink events
  7. Sex
  8. Kinky times in private (or sometimes semi-private)
  9. Commenters on here
  10. Having a space to vent/write/exhale/share
  11. A high paying job
  12. Surviving
12 Ways to move on in the next year: 
  1. Moving in with Mr. Texas
  2. Buying my own house for us
  3. Seeing The Wanderer again
  4. Pushing The Wanderer to go on a vacation with me
  5. Traveling
  6. Pursuing another Master’s Degree
  7. Yoga
  8. Dancing
  9. Getting my son on the ski slopes
  10. Visiting with friends and family
  11. Explore more kinks
  12. Experiences new experiences

*I don’t know if what I’m doing is polyamory, frankly I don’t see any need to put a title on it. Mr. Texas recently commented that it seems as though I am in a relationship with two, and indeed it does to me too, though perhaps in a different way than what he views. I just know that I am surviving this horrible year one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time.

I am grateful for everyone in my life, even the people here who read.

Rebel, especially: thank you for being my biggest supporter and always reassuring me on this space that I am allowed to be all the crazy things that I am and think. 

Happy Holidays! May your lists be grand, your body pleased, your heart full, and your soul hopeful. 

**Also written for Exhibit Unadorned’s Christmas prompts, set the song of “12 Days of Christmas”.

Wicked Wednesday

Sep 272016
 

On my About M page, I mention that my husband and I are no longer reconciling. I also mentioned that in the past:

While I was single after being married for so long, I had a regular boyfriend in an open relationship; a friend who tied me more than others who graciously took some photos that I will share; a play partner and friend who travels a lot; and I discovered my inner slut wasn’t quite as happy as I wanted with random hook ups.

First and foremost, I would have lost my mind during the divorce if it weren’t for my dearest friend, JMG. And then I had other fantastic friends who saw me a mess and loved me anyways, many of them from the rope community that I sadly moved away from. I’ve also made some great friends in my new town. And of course, I had all of you, loveliest of readers. Your comments encouraged me to journal and shift  through and write from a very vulnerable place. Some of you I didn’t even realize read my outpouring of heartache, for example I saw Graydancer, a man I greatly admire and who inspired my journey into rope, and he shared how admirable it was that I was writing so honestly. To be personally told that, and then given a hug, meant more than perhaps he could understand (especially when that weekend I was with my ex and it was a miserable and tearing me down experience).

The constant back and forth from my ex has left me emotionally drained. I am grateful that this time it ended peacefully between the two of us. But still, divorce and letting go of a dream alongside of someone is never easy.

So now? I still need many people to fill roles in my life.

And yet…For the most part, I am withdrawing from kink because I truly am busy with my family and work; I also really want a regular partner to go to events with – at least if I’m engaging in kink outside of rope. I’m also withdrawing from my friends, I have some vanilla friends in my hometown but I’m finding that time has created distance from us. I suck at long distance friendships, so my close knit friends who would understand and support me I am just not reaching out to. Unhealthy, I know. JMG is the only steadfast in my life, despite distance, and we are never separated for too long. She can also translate my life into a language that I recognize – a task not easy at times as I tend to not see every viewpoint despite trying my best when I am emotional.

I have a friend with benefits, and while he is crazy in love with me, I know that he would not be content in a life that I want (which is too bad, we’re ridiculously compatible otherwise). So I will commit no further.

See? I’m learning.

I’m learning I’m not ready for a committed or serious relationship yet, I’m learning to love and accept myself. I’m learning to navigate and shift through what I truly want from a relationship(s) with another.

The answer is complex as I understand it so far.

I don’t want traditional monogamy. I could commit to it with my ex our last go round, but I don’t seek it in a new relationship.

I want a submissive…I think. Tech Talk planted that thought in my head, even though he really wanted to learn to top, he appeared very submissive to me and I enjoyed giving him tasks and truly discovered my sadistic side since he handled pain so beautifully. I haven’t explored this, and it wouldn’t be a role I would want full time, but he was so much fun playing with that I would love to find that dynamic again.

A definite power dynamic relationship I dearly want is to be dominated (not necessarily needed or even wanted as a full time, either, but when we are together, that would be nice). My ex would fulfill that role, but switching made it a harder role to submit with. Mimir was beautiful at dominating me, though I am unsure that I submitted to him – that wasn’t necessarily our power dynamic. But Mimir and I had such a gorgeous power dynamic – finding that again would make me very content.

As it stands now, there is only one man that I view as having a relationship with ( if it could be called that) and wanting our relationship to stay – even if I find new relationships, and that is The Wanderer. Though I haven’t seen him, predictably, in a long time and it seems to be longer still until we meet again – we don’t even know when that will be. He could dominate me – known because we have danced around the edges of that already. I want that dynamic with him, and to travel with him in my spare time, snuggle against him at night, please him with my mouth and have him gift me with pleasure and pain. We have intimacy and friendship that could develop into something so wonderful. Right now I need him in my emotional state (and that truly speaks volumes about his role in my life), but I know that I can never be the priority and that he cannot always be there – a state that I fully understand and embrace the relationship anyhow.

It also spotlights that I need to find a local partner to fulfill that role. I don’t have any local people to fill that role, and everyone that I do know, with the exception of one, I don’t desire in that way. The one particular man that does come to mind is because his scenes are crafted beautifully and there is zero doubt that he is in control of every moment with me, though he hasn’t left me yet in the high subspace that I crave (I know he could though). Not to mention that I find him attractive. He is polyamorous and lives a couple of hours from me, which honestly makes a relationship with him appealing – close enough for contact, far enough away to give me the space I need to breathe and discover who I am on my own.

And I would love to date someone locally, maybe continue having a friend with benefits situation. Or maybe a relationship that is open. But perhaps I am not ready for something so close, as I could see myself clinging to a relationship as a way to ward off my fear of being lonely.

Regardless, I am just not ready to settle down, and I’m not willing to compromise on relationships right now.

I need to figure out my needs and wants, I need to actually love and accept me, and I need to learn from my past mistakes.

I’ve made a lot of them.

Wicked Wednesday

May 092016
 

Wicked WednesdayHere is the conversation as it occurred from my reflection on Numbers. This occurred a little over two weeks after we separated, when I was turned away with kids and belongings from what was to be my home with him because I told him he had to stop seeing his girlfriend (for at least a little while), and traveled half a day away where family took us in.

“I want us to get back together. Let’s make this work.”

I was ecstatic. And then for the first half hour we discussed what we would do to live together again, followed by thirty minutes of interrogation of what transpired while we were separated.

He wanted to know every detail of my slut fest, and I mean every detail, not just numbers. I read him my notes that I had written for later blog posts.

“You’re disgusting,” he told me. “And I don’t remember saying it before (a mutual friend told him I said he said it), but I will remember saying it now.” His voice was so cruel and heart stabbing. “If you loved me, if you wanted us to work, then you would show me you could be monogamous.”

“While we were separated, while you were in a committed relationship to someone else, when you told me we were through and you didn’t want us to work?!” He didn’t seem to understand the absurdity. “You wanted me to pine away, be lonely, and wait for you on the off-chance that you would want us again?”

“You could’ve waited. You knew I was on the fence with this.”

“You are in a monogamous relationship with someone else.” I stressed each and every syllable, unbelieving that he really expected me to treat he and I like we were still together when he was clearly not.

*Wicked Wednesday is about music. Here is a song I heard right around this conversation, and I added it to my playlist I’ve been making since he turned me away. Thought I’d share the song too!

[jwplayer mediaid=”5786″]Sitting here watching you go, for all I know this could be it
It’s been awhile since you have kissed me like you mean it
Been working out, you smell so good, it’s not for me
I don’t mean to push you but just say that you don’t feel it

Love me or leave me or quit me or keep me
Whatever it is you’re feeling, I just need to know
Love me or leave me, grip me or free me
I know that you’re out of love so say it isn’t so

Or please just let me go, or please just let me go

Minutes turn hours and I keep waiting, staring at the door
I don’t wanna’ lose you but I can’t hold on forever
All these love affairs where no one cares are not for me
So give me your everything or give me nothing ever

Love me or leave me, quit me or keep me
Whatever it is you’re feeling, I just need to know
Love me or leave me or grip me or free me
I know that you’re out of love so say it isn’t so

Or please just let me go, or please just let me go

It kills me every time you can’t say it back
I’ll pretend I’m fine but I’m about to crack
Bleeding dry of faith, I just miss you so
Pull me closer now or please just let me go

Love me or leave me or quit me or keep me
Whatever it is you’re feeling, I just need to know
Love me or leave me, grip me or free me
I know that you’re out of love so say it isn’t so

Or please just let me go, or please just let me go
Or please just let me go

Apr 192016
 

 

P is for Pressure, for my A to Z Challenge. Written two months ago. If I were to edit this, it would be to add the note that I decided within three days to move all my belongings and family due to five factors:

  1. my husband was across the country 
  2. our marriage wasn’t doing good
  3. Since he was across the country because he got out of the military, we no longer had medical insurance
  4. he wasn’t going to call the military and get them to move his family (I’d given up hope after six months of this phone call not being made)
  5. I could get a job in a state I wanted to work in with great benefits, including medical insurance

I drove across the country, literally from one coast to the other, with my family and what belongings I could take. I only stopped to sleep, get gas, and food. I was exhausted but pushed on, rushing because I was finally going to moving in with my husband and I had job interviews to make.

Every time he talked to me, he mentioned how hard it was for him to know that soon he wouldn’t see his girlfriend all the time, how great his girlfriend was, how soon I would meet her, asking how soon I would allow them to see each other all the time again. He told me the night before I was to arrive that she sent me a message asking when I would meet her so that I would be fine with them.

Five hours before I arrived, 42 hours later on the road, he told me that some kink events I wanted to go to I couldn’t, because I was a bad person, because he went to those things with her and it just wasn’t right that we would be going instead of him with her.

I told him, exhausted and really tired of every mile closer to him getting more negative about my arrival because of what it meant to their relationship, that I didn’t want him to have a relationship with her anymore. I asked him to stop all together, all communication, for at least several months so that we could reconnect and establish a solid foundation so that when he pursued polyamory again, it was healthier and happier.

He told me he didn’t want to but would, after unsuccessfully trying to get me change my mind.

Four hours to him, 43 almost nonstop hours later on the road, and he told me that he didn’t want me to come, that he changed his mind, that he simply could not end things with her, that he didn’t want to. He called himself selfish, said his happiness was the most important thing to him right now, that he compromised so much in our marriage that he wasn’t willing to do it anymore.

“It’s not about her,” he told me, which I believe is a lie. “We could break up and I wouldn’t care. I would find someone else. This is me. This is who you created. You forced this down my throat and now I’m going to do this.”

“I’ve done this, I’ve stopped it for our marriage,” I countered, thinking back to when I tried polyamory and he asked me to cease all communication – which I did.

“Some people are just more willing to sacrifice than others. I’m not willing. I’m not going to do this.”

“I have to come by this point. There’s no where else, it’s late, and I have our family. I’m only four hours away. I can’t believe this.” Remember I also was not alone in the car, hearing all these one sided tear-filled conversations that I simply couldn’t hide, though I did a poor job of trying as distraught as I was (something I regret).

I dropped off kids with family – not wanting them to see the argument that he promised, showed up where he was staying.

“I don’t want you. I don’t fucking like you. You hear that? I don’t fucking like you.” Those were the words that greeted me the minute I walked in the door, as he walked away from me as if he was afraid I would touch him.

“Okay,” I replied wearily, stripping down. “Do you want to take a shower with me? Because I’m taking a shower. I’ve been on the road for three days straight and I need a shower.”

“Did you hear what I said?  You still want to shower with me?! Why?”

“Because I need a shower, and because your mind is made up and there’s no use talking about it right this second.”

He looked at me incredulously, but stripped down and joined me in the shower. The whole time he was telling me how horrible I was, how I ruined our marriage, how I did this to us, how I forced us into non monogamy and now I wanted monogamy.

Soap on our bodies against as vast a distance as possible in a shower. “Why? Why now? Why when this whole time I wanted monogamy do you now want it?” He was so angry.

“Because we clearly can’t handle anything other than that, and what I want most in life is you and our future together,” I said wearily, barely aware of the heat from the stream of water cascading on my beaten down body. “I’m sorry you feel like I forced this. I did it all with your permission, I wouldn’t have otherwise, but I’m sorry I kept pushing the agenda.”

“You hurt me. Do you hear me? You hurt me!”

“I’m so sorry, that was never my intent. I can be monogamous, truly I can, because above all, I want you and our future.”

“I don’t trust that. You always said you wanted to connect to others. Why would this be different?”

Clean bodies, clouded minds. “Because I want you above all else. But I understand that you don’t trust that, I respect that. But where do we go from here?”

“I’m going to have a relationship with her. It may get very serious. She may live with us.”

He’s known her 2.5 weeks.

“You can’t take a couple months break and commit to our marriage?”

“No, I don’t even know that I want our marriage. I don’t like you. You hurt me. I’m not giving up anything for you.”

My brain cried silently at all the sacrifices I’ve made to our family by moving them around, my financial security by changing jobs constantly, my loss of friends and social life, the isolation and loneliness so deeply felt at times. I simply said, “okay. Then we’ve no where else to go. I want you to take a break, you don’t want to.”

I leaned up, threw my arms around his wet body, and kissed him. He returned the kiss, desperately, angrily, his teeth ground into my lips, his body pressed mine roughly against the cold tile wall. His fingers dipped down and finger fucked me roughly, almost lifted my body off the ground with just that pressure.

He gripped my hair and forced me down to my knees, roughly fucked my face, moved and positioned me to rim him, the water drowning me between his cheeks.

We got out of the shower, a sopping mess, and tripped our way to the bed, bodies and mouths intertwined. I straddled him and bit his neck, sucked. “God I forgot how good you were at this. So fucking good. I love how you can be so rough and not leave a mark.”

He arched into my mouth, stroked himself between my legs. I moved lower, wrapped my mouth around his arousal, my fingers dipped lower.

“Grab the lube. I want you fist me.”

“I can’t fist you, you try to break my hand,” I protested, but attempted it nonetheless while my mouth sucked.

“God you’re going to make me cum before we even have sex,” he moaned, and pushed me on my stomach, roughly entered me. I orgasmed immediately. I tightened in the pleasure and the need to hold him in some way and never let him go. “Don’t you fucking tighten,” he ordered, and I relaxed despite the orgasms, until he finally commanded I tighten and make him cum.

Right afterwards, he pushed me away and complained that it was always about sex for me. He told me to not touch him, that we were divorcing, that he couldn’t be with me any longer.

Despite my begging, bargaining, pleading, I woke up the next morning and left to a town half a day away where other family might take me in, with my few precious belongings and even more precious broken family, knowing he wouldn’t change his mind. I didn’t know what else to do as exhausted and heartbroken as I was.

Could you see the signs, dear readers? Because I was blindsided. And angry that he had me move our family before turning us away right when we arrived.

He claims it’s because I demanded he stop seeing his girlfriend within hours of my arrival, but he kept telling me after we had sex how he’s known for years that I killed our relationship with my demand to open it up to polyamory, and he can never forgive me, doesn’t want to. If he knew for years, why did he wait until he had a girlfriend and his family transitioning to see him before saying something?

 Posted by at 8:00 am
Apr 162016
 

 

For my A to Z Challenge, for the letter N, I’m using this post: something I felt NINE DAYS after he met a woman he wanted a relationship with.

This has to be the most brutally honest and completely mortifying post I’ve written. It was written three months ago, a few days after I felt this way. I’ve not edited it and I’m currently cringing as I schedule it to post.

Medicine or something messed with my thoughts. The whole day was a struggle to survive one minute to the next with clarity and intent. I reached out to three different men for help, reached out to a female friend for companionship – no one was available and I knew I shouldn’t be alone but had no choice. Stayed busy, productive. Went out with the female friend later that evening until she needed to go home. Came home and looked forward to  the one night where my husband was free, where I was up late. My opening statement was going to be: “I don’t want to talk about my day, or even yours. I don’t want to hear about her once. I just want to discuss our future dreams and goals.”

But when he answered the phone, he was in his car. “Where are you going?” the words just slipped out before my prepared statement.

“To her house to spend the night.”

I felt like I needed to vomit. “Why?” I cried out, and it was an honest cry. Tears burst from my eyes, my hands shook, I couldn’t breathe.

Oh god, I really couldn’t breathe. I stood and put my arms over my head, tried to calm my heart and lungs, to no avail. I was shaking so badly that I could barely stand.

“I need to go,” I stated before I hung up the phone. I was having an honest panic attack and three huge factors contributed to wanting to not talk to him:

  1. he would view me as lesser; it’s honest of him to say so, but he looks down upon and doesn’t understand intense mental and emotional issues; he wouldn’t be able to unsee this even over a continent;
  2. I would become more hurt when I expressed how upset I was and he continued to drive off in the direction of her house, even further from me than he already was;
  3. I would eventually express just how badly I was hurt and he would feel guilty, but not guilty enough to stop and view my hysterics as a manipulation ploy and resent me for it.

All three did happen. I hung up on him several times after he yelled at me to calm down, unsure how to proceed and making it worse. I called one of my good friends. “I just want to die,” the words dredged from somewhere very dark and I was taken aback at just how serious I was in that intent. “I’m scared. I’m not like this. Something is wrong.” She talked to me in the amazing way she has, all the while my husband continued to ring as he consistently drove towards another woman’s house.

I eventually took his call. He expressed that he was still going to her house, didn’t see why I was so upset, how it was so unlike me. When I expressed that I wanted to die, he became very angry, and then tried to talk to me – mostly defending his position to continue a relationship with her and stating how everything would be fine.

“I feel so guilty. You are suicidal and I won’t do anything to stop this relationship that is partly causing this emotional stress for you.” How I’ve always admired his honesty, even when he’s a douche.

Now, before he seems nonredeemable, he got all the way to her house (an hour away), parked in front of it for hours and then turned around and headed home, keeping me on the phone the whole time. He did guilt me about it, he was incredibly frustrated about it – felt like I was manipulating him, but he stayed on the phone for hours until finally exhaustion and us laying and looking at each other over video almost made me believe that he was in the bed next to me.

He was most definitely angry at me and I am ashamed of my reaction.

Here’s some issues that are unique right now: we were only to have an open marriage, not polyamory, and yet he’s pursuing a relationship with her and spending every night with her (he claims they keep the relationship at a level 2 because of me – more like friends with benefits, but it’s nothing of friends with benefits I’ve seen and he’s calling it polyamory). He decided he no longer “gave a fuck” what I did with anyone else. He decided we would have no more boundaries. He rushed the relationship before giving us all a chance to adjust and get to know each other comfortably.

We are geo bachelors – that is, separated almost by choice rather than military order (though the military was the absolute cause of it). He just needs to make a phone call to get me over where he is and he hasn’t…for months, and while I don’t want to live in the area he’s chosen, I want to be a whole family again. I push him to make the phone call to move us and he hasn’t. I’m about to just pack up our family and hit the road to him, leaving our house and all our possessions behind and gathering them later. He’s making statements like, “of course I want you out here, but…” where all the sudden I don’t believe he does want me out there.

And the most unique case of the suicidal urges was medicine related. I had just been put on a medicine and a side effect was suicidal tendencies (which at the time escaped my mind completely as I was caught up in the emotions). I am not suicidal, I have not been suicidal, and yet for hours I debated my own death. Needless to say, I stopped that medicine completely and contacted my doctor. They weren’t surprised to hear about my symptoms and changed my medication.

I am tired of him pointing to the mistakes I made years ago when I attempted polyamory and handled it badly. I screwed up, I hurt him, and when he asked me to stop because it was killing us and the timing was horrible, I did.

I have asked him for the same thing, to the point of (granted a drug induced) suicidal thoughts, and yet he is not willing. I am clearly not a priority, and I feel abandoned on the other half of the country where the military, and he, dumped me.

“I deserve to be happy,” he tells me, and he is right and I feel so terrible for asking him to stop something that he gets so much enjoyment out of. But I am hurting beyond belief, the timing is not right, we need a more solid foundation first, and he has not taken me into consideration in the slightest.

What man can look at his hysterical wife, the woman he’s been with for years, and just…I don’t even have the words…for a woman he has known 9 days.

Apr 142016
 

photo credit: Silence 2 via photopin (license)

photo credit: Silence 2 via photopin (license)

For the A to Z Challenge, I’m dredging up the posts I wrote right before he asked for a divorce. The letter L is for Lies. This was written three months ago and posted unedited.

Open honest communication has always been our strength. This is changing in my husband within two days of meeting a new potential partner for him.

 

Dialogue of a lie he told:

Him: It was weird, I came home from work, ate dinner, did laundry, went to bed early.

Me: That’s it?

That’s it.

You didn’t talk to her?

Just for a minute, just to find out the next time we can see each other.

*4 hour phone conversation discovered when paying the phone bill a few days later*

**There was no reason for him to lie. I didn’t care how long he talked to her, expected them to talk a lot when they first get to know each other. I’m not sure why he felt the need to create such a lie.

Dialogue of a lie he told the following day:

Me: How come you didn’t call or text me this morning?

Him: I was running late for work. I didn’t have time.

*Called her instead*  **also discovered the same day that I paid the phone bill

Dialogue of a lie he told the following day (day four she fetlife friended me)

Me: Are you planning on having sex?

Him: No

Her profile lists lover as relationship status.

It does?

Yes.

Well, we were talking about it for this weekend.

I asked to be kept informed and for him to be open and honest

Asked on day 7 to stop.

Him: “I don’t want to. Our connection is…(half hour of again hearing how wonderful she is. I like…(another long length of time of how he’s becoming emotionally attached). Give me boundaries.”

Me: “Slow down, kissing only”

…Same day, several hours later, Him: “and tomorrow she’s coming over and we’re having sex.” He refused to discuss, it was simply a fact he was informing me about.

*Within 7 days of knowing her, she spent two nights over at his house in a row.

Asked on day 8 to stop.

Him: “I want to tell you to fuck off.”

I discovered they were facebook friends, and asked why I wasn’t told.

Him: Don’t worry about it, it was a bit ago.

Me: You’ve known her 9 days, in that time I’ve asked to not be surprised every single day by something. How is that a bit ago?

 

Asked on day 9 was it worth the stress on our relationship

Him: “do you mean if the juice was worth the squeeze? Yes.”

 

 Posted by at 8:55 am
Apr 122016
 

For my A to Z Challenge, the J is for jilted, as apparently that what this new relationship of his caused me to feel. Written three months ago, posted unedited.

My husband met someone and wanted to know his boundaries, as he’s given me so many that he knows that he will have some.

And then he argued them.

And then every conversation for the four days (and within those four days, the five hours that he met her face to face), was about her and how I was being a bitch for putting any boundaries on him (yes, those were his words). He felt that he should be allowed to be at the same level I was with Mimir – and didn’t think it was a factor that he didn’t know her very well and that I’ve known Mimir for a year.

I understand his excitement at finding someone that he’s interested in, that makes him feel desired and cheers him. I am happy for him; I just wanted him to take it slow until he knew her.

After four days, he told me that the boundaries needed to be removed completely because he was going to be in danger of breaking them.

I would call that a dick move, except I’ve said those very words to him years ago when we first began polyamory. It hurt him severely, he felt like I didn’t respect the relationship, how he was feeling, what he was going through.

So he knows what that feels like, and also that was the reason our first attempt at polyamory failed miserably. I hurt both the people I was involved with, and didn’t handle the whole situation well, something I feel truly saddened about. I learned a hard lesson, and this go-around we decided to have an open marriage and respected the clearly defined boundaries. Thus far it was him giving me the guidelines. I respected and didn’t argue them and we slowly negotiated in our comfort zone with everyone involved.

So, I was a bit surprised when he told me he couldn’t keep the boundaries we had established after four days. I was concerned that polyamory wasn’t what we originally negotiated – open marriage was without the emotions.

“Yes, but you know me, I get emotionally involved,” he told me. He’s right, he does.

So now after just four days of what feels like an uphill battle, I was faced with a decision.

I truly want him happy and I do not want to micromanage or be concerned about his relationships with others, so I caved (and yes, I realize the word choice with that) and gave him everything he wanted. I feel like he’s a hypocrite, unfair, and selfish. I also feel like we’ll get through this anyhow, because I haven’t been so stellar throughout the course of our relationship either.

Only a couple of guidelines now. An STI test before sex with a new partner and condoms (he argued this as well, but we can’t control who our partners are also engaging with and it’s important for my piece of mind).

I told him I wanted to be informed of any new goings-on but I didn’t want to just hear about his new person. The ratio needed to be a lot higher on our relationship concerns/goals/dreams and less about this other person. Because over the course of four days, he contacted me a lot less, he needed to make me feel like I was still a part of his life. He said he no longer needed to hear about Mimir and my scenes.

And apparently we’re doing poly, so I need to find a boyfriend.

 Posted by at 8:51 am
Apr 082016
 

The letter G, for the A to Z Challenge. (Post written and unedited 3 months ago.)

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander

A conversation where my husband told he wanted to pursue a connection with a woman he just met, led to me harassing him a bit because he always does to my potential partners (so he would know how it felt) and sincerely asking him to be patient. Once he knew her for more than a couple of hours, we would talk a bit more.

He was frustrated; he felt like I was doing it to spite him and those perimeters were not where I was at – a lover as long as they were tested.

While I wanted him to know the frustrations he made me feel, and made no secret of that, I wanted to him to truly understand where I was coming from and feeling; I didn’t feel that I was holding him back – simply asking him to know his potential partner a bit more. I was still at the point where I couldn’t just have a lover if they provided a test: I needed his approval and it was only someone of a long time of knowing, a lot of open communication between everyone involved, slow steps and compromises. He didn’t know her beyond a few hours and I didn’t feel that I was being unfair.

He ended with saying that he understood his boundaries and respected them, that while he wanted more, they wouldn’t be a problem with upholding; but now there’s this new shiny potential in a woman, so he called me several hours later to renegotiate my boundaries of  public rope events, with dinner or drinks around those events only until he knew her a bit more, though kissing was allowed (and only kissing).

Apparently they had been texting all the next day, fired up and amped on the night before and the mutual attraction they felt towards each other. They were talking about going to each other’s places, when they could meet up again.

He complained about any boundaries being in place, how I had virtually none (conveniently forgetting even the week’s conversation of him placing more boundaries on me).

I get it. Matter of fact, I feel a bit bad that I am slowing or placing any boundaries. But the truth is that he was being bloody hypocritical at this point and it was also irritating me to no end.

“You want the freedom you don’t even allot me, and I’ve known my potential partners for longer. You have only seen her a couple of hours and you just want to open the floodgates for us both because now it’s convenient for you.” I couldn’t keep the anger of my voice.

While he listened respectfully, he had to be reminded constantly of how I didn’t have absolute freedom to pursue relationships, that there were constant compromising of perimeters and limits of comfort.

While he said his boundaries were understood and he respected them, he kept arguing about them and took that frustration into the telephone at me.

I listened respectfully, understood where he was coming from.

But it didn’t change the fact that he was being a hypocrite. I would have preferred zero boundaries from either of us (besides the STI test) so that we are free to pursue the potential connection in others openly, but he didn’t want that. So he bloody well has to follow his own rules. And I don’t want polyamory – we simply aren’t designed for that as a couple right now.

And that includes moving slowly, even if it risks losing that potential partner.

I understand that fear too.

I compromised on letting them go to each other’s places – though they have only met for hours the one time. He told me I have no boundaries anymore in the hopes that once he met her a few more times he wouldn’t either.

Because what’s good for the goose is good for the gander

 Posted by at 8:54 am