Mar 212017
 

I love storms. Every time it rains I have all the windows open and am most often sitting the doorway to the outside, watching it, listening to it, smelling and connecting as much as I can. I am surprised I haven’t lost my love of storms.

My tempest.

From solitude to engulfed in booms – the varying patterns of this shift are frightful at times.

There’s no place to go in a thunderstorm to escape it; I can push myself further out into the storm or take very little comfort in the return a house that offers no solace. It is not silent and it cannot be drowned out yelling for it to stop.

A thunderstorm is loud, powerful, demands attention, to be heard.

I seek warmth amid the warning winds: want to be touched and possessed, feel the gliding against my body; with lightning as a companion I light up. My body and my mind crave that delight of visual and utterance.

Where otherwise there may be soft silence, I feel awake and ignited with the booming thunder, blind except for the brief flashes of lightning.

The thunder rolls and sometimes a small shake in the ground can even be perceived in the ground. I can look up and see nothing. Rain is sensed, smelled in the distance, felt in the oppressive weight in the air. It covers all my senses, makes my skin damp. It signals a downpour, body feels just a drop or two and then suddenly water pours from the sky.  I can feel myself getting soaked, the lightning exposing far more than the tips of the trees swaying violently, little hidden amid storm. The rain pounds down to the earth, becomes a very deep awareness that fills every sense, the thunder creates a shudder and a groan. My heartbeat will pound to the eruption. The crepuscular does not confuse me, it is a language heard and felt through every nerve, rendered violent but mesmerized with dark erotic fantasies. I am left humble by how it provokes a physical reaction, perceived darkness that demands attention far more than shadowed whispers. I will feel goose bumps along my skin, and my own body tremors slightly. Still, the thundered rolls, but it becomes a background noise so far away, more of a relaxing soothing background sound.

I like things that take, that demand, that awaken, that can be felt everywhere; I like the signal of what’s to come, the roar of it as its there, and the echo that it leaves behind.

Mar 172017
 

Trapped like a once beautiful bird in a cage that since wilted. Once I viewed you so shiny, like a toy or jewel worthy of my attention, but your glittery gold has rusted and stained. In a full forest, you’re obscured. Quietude instead demanding for my fingertips to stroke and thrum the golden streaked body.

You were once Spring with sweet blossoms perfumed, once exposed naked in the heat, Fall with the vibrancy of a last desperate attempt at life, and now are barren of gifted illusions and fool’s paradise; fruitless. You leave me cold. Indifferent.

What happened to you?

Passionless.

Surely it wasn’t I, an exception of enchantment passing seasons of beauty? Soft sustenance and opalescence that we procreated?

You don’t thirst for permanence that is almost forgotten, buried deeply, by me, do you?

How sad, tragic, pathetic, worthless is that? How could you hang just to drop from the weight?

You should not be depleted as such. Empty. You seem to have gone down in flames whereas the heat and ashes have absolved me like a phoenix flying the coop. You were a torch, a spark, glowing vibrant with life now ebbed, dull, chilled, monotonous.

Where are you now?

I care not to search; I lost you and there is nothing to lead me back.

Feb 122017
 

Happy Valentine's DaySo I looked up on my own blog “Valentine” to see how I’ve reflected on this over the years. It’s been a mix: happy with photo prompts (pictured here) but my writing shows how I overall view the holiday. In one piece of fiction, I write about how the character breaks up with their partners the day before – which is something I used to do in my youth. In another piece of fiction I wrote about how a character was done being second when they should have been first – sadly something that echoed why I didn’t write anything related to Valentine’s Day last year.

Last year, my husband turned me (and family) away hours before we were to be reunited after months of choosing separation to help with transitions and failed attempts at polyamory. I just recently tweeted about how I haven’t felt the same since, and it’s very true. But even when we were married, I didn’t see him much for Valentine’s Day – the all-too demanding price of being a military spouse.

This year, I was given an idea by a coworker of how to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Mr. Texas would rather have the romantic couple’s night, but he’s on board and supporting me as he does best.

My table is set and beautiful and Texas is going to make a nice dinner. We are raising some teenagers, and two of them are special needs and may not have a relationship for some time. I don’t want anyone to feel alone when there are people around who do love them – and I would not have survived last year if I didn’t have the support of friends and family. So, we embracing Valentine’s Day message of love but directing it at people who matter most – family and those that support you best. I even invited some single relatives.

I’ve already warned the kids that we are going to go around the table and say nice things about each other so they better be prepared (a challenge for one or two, it seems). It’s a day to show appreciation, a day to sit down with each other (though family dinners are rather important to me) and express the positives.Wicked Wednesday
Febraury Photofest

Jan 032017
 

happynewyear_gif

1. How is your year going?

My actual last year has been utter hell, the past three days of the year 2017 have been alright – mostly sleeping off time differences and jet lag. 
2. Did you go out on NYE or have a New Year’s day celebration?

Neither, though I guess you could consider I had a New Year’s day celebration. I grabbed all the kiddos in the family and gave them their Christmas presents and presents from my travels. Mr. Texas made a beautiful dinner and we had our first family holiday celebration. It was incredibly nice, even though I was exhausted from getting off a plane the night prior. 
3. Ahh yes, those pesky New Year’s Resolutions. How did you do with your 2016 NY resolutions–did you keep them?

Many of my 2016 goals were with my husband, who then divorced me at the start of the year. So no, I didn’t meet my goals but I’m uncaring of that. I don’t have any current goals – something that it is shocking if you know me at all. I suppose I should at least work on my 101 things
4. Year 2017, are you carrying over any resolutions from 2016? What?

My 101 things list is the only thing that I will carry over. However, hopefully I’ll feel more like myself and start making goals to accomplish again. 
5. What new experiences are you planning to have or hoping to have in 2017?

I am hoping to buy a house, apply for another Master’s Degree, go on a family vacation with Mr. Texas, go on a vacation with The Wanderer, survive the year, raise confident, independent, and healthy children. 

Bonus: Did you see fireworks on New Year’s eve? (Take that anyway you want :-p )

So many, at least in my mind. After not seeing Mr. Texas for weeks, he kept me awake and flying high on orgasms off and on for 18 hours. We really only slowed down when it was time for the family dinner and present time. 

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Dec 282016
 

I had every intention of sharing one of my favorite bloggers every month. My every intention has vanished this year with far too many transitions that crashed upon me. So I figured I’d share the six that I did share before I seriously cut back on showcasing others. 

A Dissolute Life Means

She writes honestly, and often raw. She exposes her more vulnerable self and is often unapologetic about who she is and what she needs. She often writes about seeing multiple men, one of my favorites is when she poetically uses a carousel analogy. I love how beautifully she writes, how being with these men doesn’t diminish her want of something more permanent but she is accepting of the fun as it comes along. I also share how she is hopeful and jaded in imagining a future with every lover she encounters. Another of her posts that I love is how she leads with her sexuality and that it is okay for her to do so, something that took me a long time to recognize in myself. Even when she writes about Casual Sex Rules, she beautifully weaves a story. A fantastic writer.

Molly’s Daily Kiss

She writes most often about a D/s life, the sex blogging community, and observations about sexuality and outlooks. She makes me think often, one such was about tools you need to be a Dom, with the things listed were not I first thought of – they’re far more important. But it is often her writing erotica or fantasies that get me so much, for example a scene based on location; wherein her husband also writes with his own musings. The entire thing turned me on so much, as well as this scene describing a slow build up of anticipation; it is moments like this which fuel my desire far more than touching. She is also the most influential sex blogger that I can think of.

Rebel’s Notes

Another seriously influential sex blogger, she hosts memes like Wicked Wednesday, Sexy Searching, The Menopause Diaries, and the Oral Sex Project. She is my number one supporter and commenter – I don’t know if I would continue to pursue different ways of writing if it wasn’t for her. She is bold with her photos, brave in her Scavenger Hunt photos. She writes of her D/s journey and is honest in her own faults. She has a relationship that I am envious of. Her erotic fiction is pretty hot as well.

Malin James

She writes from a deeply intimate and introspective manner, between the sexual and the psyche, though her stories more often seem to be fiction. She often writes with a dark seductive tone and I love it, like Lonely Things. But when she does write personally, it inspires me, like the notes to her younger self and I appreciated how lovingly reflective it is. It inspired me to think about it and make it a goal of mine to write similarly. Something that echoed painfully and eloquently with me was: This is What I Mean when I Say I Love You. She also discusses writing with the The Semantics of Sex, specifically the words “making love” and “fuck”.

Tamsin Flowers

Tamsin Flowers participated in the #AtoZChallenge and did it brilliantly, but her favorite posts with me include the sense of hearing. She writes a post based on a song, Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies. She writes a take on The Little Mermaid, and not do I love fairy tales, it is an amazingly sexy erotica for a woman who is speechless. She also wrote about sounds and silence eloquently, which was hot and bittersweet all at the same time.

Easily Aroused

Easily Aroused is so often a writer who gets me going every time, with such beautiful erotica. Even in experiencing a new, and taboo, activity he writes gorgeously. This man seriously (and unknowingly) seduces me across a computer screen with his words, like Elemental, or Striation. Even something that made me sad with the loss and betrayal, still turned me on.

 

Dec 222016
 

*Last year, for the Christmas prompt set to the song, “All I want for Christmas is you”, I shared something my husband wrote for me. This year, Exhibit Unadorned, is opening up the old prompts and I thought how much had changed in a year (a divorce, a new relationship, etc.). So let me share something Mr. Texas wrote for me….

In one of my breakup talks with Mr. Texas (which sadly I do far too frequently), I asked him to come up with a list of pros and cons that he sees in our relationship. I came up with a short list and we met for dinner. He came with two pages typed of all pros. I know I don’t do a good job of showing just how wonderful he is, or what it is that I get out of my relationship with him, mostly because I’m afraid of getting seriously involved so close to my divorce, so I thought I’d share a few of his words here (and yes, this is just a few – he included many more that had to do with our children, building upon the family concept that is the biggest appeal for me):

Short of a couple of problems we will run into from time to time, I honestly feel like we are very compatible.  I believe we can work through anything that comes our way, no matter what it is.

  1. We both enjoy our time together
  2. You get the feeling of family and of home that you need/ want
  3. We can trust one another
  4. I have someone who I love very very much in my life, someone who makes me feel loved, happy, excited, and so much more.  You can make me smile (make my heart feel happy) with just a picture.  You have given me so much to look forward to.
  5. You take care of me in all the ways that I need you to
  6. You encourage and inspire me to get out and go more places and do more. You “drag” me with you and I always enjoy what we do together
  7. I’m open minded/understanding and I accept you for who you are with all your quirks
  8. You’re good for me, you know exactly how to handle me and you don’t put up with my crap
  9. I understand you..I can read you pretty well and I will always do my best to give you what you need and want as you need or want it. After a long day, early in the morning, or when something is bothering you.  I will give you the space you need or be there when you need me.
  10. I hear you when you say I have problems…and vise versa..
  11. I love cooking with you
  12. I love dancing with you
  13. I love taking care of you, and you love being taken care of
  14. Making coffee
  15. Making breakfast, lunch, dinner, or whatever happens to come up
  16. Helping you with your work, when you need it
  17. Helping you with your laundry
  18. Brushing your hair
  19. Turning your clothes right side out/laying them out after one of our escapades
  20. Rubbing your shoulders, back, and your feet
  21. I’m learning new kinky things with you, and discovering what I like and enjoy. You say that I’m really good at it and I feel like I am improving and getting more and more into it.  Before I met you, I couldn’t even tell you what I like or what I’m into, now I can tell you that I feel like I have direction and know some things that I like and enjoy.
  22. I like cutting your clothes off..it’s so freaking hot!!!
  23. I love tying you up
  24. I love tying you up and having sex with you
  25. I enjoy “beating/smacking” your ass..giving you the pleasure you so desire
  26. I love giving you pleasure..oral and fingering..
  27. Watching you as I play with you…buckling and squirming
  28. I actually did enjoy the wax and the ice-sensation play is amazing
  29. I like having sex with you in the hot tub and on the steps…lol..even the fence
  30. I especially liked the time on the living room floor with you all tied up
  31. I am interested in going to events with you..I feel the urge to go so I can experience and learn more..satisfy my curiosity and interests
  32. We have amazing sex and I love the way you feel.
  33. I love that we can go and go for hours rather it be through kink or just sex, it never ceases to amaze me how much I enjoy being with you and inside of you.
  34. I’m hoping to make time for kink events or something just for us at least once a week, maybe twice if we can work it out. I want to expand and explore more…maybe even find another play partner that is understanding and will let me keep honing my skills.  Yes I know that statement is a shock, but I figure I need someone when you are doing something with someone else at an event we’re both at…it might be fun and enlightening.
  35. I know you’ll take your little trips during breaks. As long as you don’t make it so we can’t go somewhere together or so that we don’t have quality alone time, I can live with that.  We just need to establish guidelines we can both live with…
  36.   We get to grow old together and have one another to rely on, be there when we need a shoulder to cry on, or just have fun with.  I’m totally looking forward to just getting a camper and traveling the country with you…you pick the place, I’ll drive.
Dec 192016
 
I wrote up something and then saw Rebel’s prompt, so thought I’d extend my original writing:
12 Gifts I’ve received this year from The Wanderer:
  1.  crop that scared me but ended up being very cool
  2.  hands that are so capable of the pleasure/pain I crave
  3.  beautiful purple rope that positively sparkles
  4.  an experience with clothespins that I still find hot
  5.  lobster lunch, a walk on the beach, and the considerate mannerisms that came from it
  6. an hour where I explored and rubbed and kissed and caressed my lover’s body
  7.  a playground with a gorgeous view for three days
  8.  sharing our times with words
  9.  knife to add to our growing collective pile of kinky times
  10.  candles to go along with the knife
  11.  texts messages to strengthen our relationship
  12. ORGASMS!!
12 Glorious moments this year with Mr. Texas: 
  1. corrupting a vanilla
  2. bruises and beatings
  3. patience, understanding, consideration
  4. having him accept me as I am
  5. painting the bedroom a color I love
  6. giving me sense of family with blending our kids
  7. rarely making coffee, and hot tub time every evening
  8. a high sex drive to match my own
  9. a person to fall asleep next to every night
  10. home made meals
  11. going to kink events with him
  12. ORGASMS!!
12 Reasons to be Grateful this year, despite how terrible it truly was:
  1. Family
  2. The two men mentioned here
  3. My children
  4. My brother in law for taking such good care of my sissy
  5. Friends
  6. Kink events
  7. Sex
  8. Kinky times in private (or sometimes semi-private)
  9. Commenters on here
  10. Having a space to vent/write/exhale/share
  11. A high paying job
  12. Surviving
12 Ways to move on in the next year: 
  1. Moving in with Mr. Texas
  2. Buying my own house for us
  3. Seeing The Wanderer again
  4. Pushing The Wanderer to go on a vacation with me
  5. Traveling
  6. Pursuing another Master’s Degree
  7. Yoga
  8. Dancing
  9. Getting my son on the ski slopes
  10. Visiting with friends and family
  11. Explore more kinks
  12. Experiences new experiences

*I don’t know if what I’m doing is polyamory, frankly I don’t see any need to put a title on it. Mr. Texas recently commented that it seems as though I am in a relationship with two, and indeed it does to me too, though perhaps in a different way than what he views. I just know that I am surviving this horrible year one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time.

I am grateful for everyone in my life, even the people here who read.

Rebel, especially: thank you for being my biggest supporter and always reassuring me on this space that I am allowed to be all the crazy things that I am and think. 

Happy Holidays! May your lists be grand, your body pleased, your heart full, and your soul hopeful. 

**Also written for Exhibit Unadorned’s Christmas prompts, set the song of “12 Days of Christmas”.

Wicked Wednesday