Apr 072017
 

*Switch: A person who vacillates between dominant (I’ll also use topping) and submissive (bottoming) roles within relations.

So at the GRUE (conference/event), one of the most engaging things to me was a conversation about switching. It was looked down a lot, kind of the way bisexuality is at times: being too flighty to pick a side or not really knowing which side to choose rather than a valid choice and natural instinct.

In my new state, a lot of people identify as switch, by far the majority from what I’ve observed. Once in room full of people, the presenter asked how many identify as a switch and everyone but the presenter raised their hand. It’s a bit odd, but at the GRUE it made for an excellent conversation. Such topics were:

 How do you switch with another switch? My ex husband and I were both switches (to an extent, he was always a service top if he topped). Our dynamics were always very clear to us – there was no mistaking our role for whatever the occasion – a very strange and special knowledge of knowing each other so intimately. He would voice if he needed me to top him, otherwise the dynamic was he would top me. At times we would go for more of a primal, fight to be on top, role but that was even clearly telegraphed in an unspoken manner between us.

In speaking and listening to others at this conference, I realized just how rare and special that dynamic was as there was little conflict in just knowing what the other wanted and being so attuned as to grant it.

Mr. Texas and I are switches, and while we haven’t been together nearly as long and are no where near as attuned to each other, the agreement is for the most part he tops. We do have a few of these complications that others discussed of two switches being together; for example, sometimes it’s unclear who wants to bottom – I top far more than I ever did with my ex. We will also sometimes switch mid scene. The rule that is keeping us the most satisfied in this dynamic is regardless of who is on bottom at first, I cannot go from bottoming to topping. I just cannot get my head space right to submit and then dominate, whereas he can because he can only take so much pain, which brings me to my next topic that was discussed…

Many of them had triggers that would flip the switch. This shocked me to hear, as many of them discussed how mid-scene they would grab the implement they were being hit with and hit the person topping them. I have never felt this urge, it would not even occur to me. To me, that’s a consent violation unless it was agreed upon. I addressed perhaps a need to disclaim that in part of the negotiations to my fellow switches, as a collective group we were trying to come up to some solutions to some of the issues of being a switch.

Mr. Texas and I, prior to the GRUE, did not switch mid-scene. He would ask me to mid-scene after he topped me for awhile, but I always declined (again, can’t do the head space) until we came the agreement that the order could be reversed (I could go from top to bottom). What began as a negotiation and honest communication with what made us tick has worked to our benefit, as Mr. Texas doesn’t necessarily have a trigger that makes him flip roles – it’s more of a pain threshold that he can no longer tolerate but doesn’t want to call an end to. I am really having fun exploring my more sadistic side with Mr. Texas in a way that was unforeseen, but Mr. Texas is not a masochist (we both love each other’s reactions in this dynamic) so once he’s done but too stubborn to color, he simply grabs me and flips me under him, often with a hand around my throat – a simple and consistent action that always gets me in a submitting headspace.

What I have also discovered since the GRUE is that Mr. Texas does have a sensual trigger that makes me want to top me: when I am not obviously topping but being more playful, I will sometimes straddle him, tease him with my body, have the tip of his head right at my entrance and deny him, press my breasts against his chest, and nip at his neck. It’s really the nipping at his neck that triggers him, his moans turn into growls and he begins to grip and grab at me to position certain ways. This tends to turn into a fight for top but only briefly (nowhere near the savage intensity my ex and I played at, which I am fine with).

What’s the difference between switching and bratty. 

*Brat: Within the BDSM lifestyle, the term brat is usually applied to a person of a submissive nature who acts up or causes trouble in order to attract attention. This is generally frowned upon as it is classed as topping from the bottom and trying to control the situation.

I am not sure if the group ever could clearly define this question posed. Bratty also tends to have a negative connotation in the BDSM scene. I know that I am not bratty with Mr. Texas (except once when he asked for a picture while he was at work), but that I was occasionally bratty with my ex husband. Bratty is almost a challenge in my mind and Mr. Texas is new to this role so I try not to challenge him as he needs to gain confidence in it. I was a brat with my ex whenever I wanted his attention, most often when he would tie me and was more focused on the rope than me – a common occurrence. I have not been bratty to The Wanderer – again our dynamic has always been firm in roles, though I am playful at times to get him away from his serious nature, but never in a challenging way or to gain attention. I don’t know if I will be clearly defining the difference but switching is a role and bratty is a mood to me.

The need to address the things done incorrectly. How we know both sides of the coin and will invariably meet up with people that we’re more knowledgeable but will bottom for. It’s somewhat inevitable that the longer someone is in the lifestyle and educates themselves, that they will know more than the person topping them. It’s the case with Mr. Texas, as he knew nothing so I topped from the bottom as I taught him (which wasn’t the case with everything, some things he just instinctively knew), and I teach him what I do know. Sometimes it’s with demonstrating on him, sometimes it’s talking him through something, and sometimes it’s going to educational events with him. Regardless, it revolves around honest and authentic communication – something anyone with any amount of knowledge should do with the person they are engaging with.
*Terms defined by Urban Dictionary

Feb 032017
 

Mr. Texas tied my wrists – taking a few times as it had been a month since he even touched rope and the rope kept tightening. He strung the rope up to the sides of the head board, stretched one side too far where the shoulder wasn’t down. Experience taught me my shoulders would fatigue if they weren’t down, so I requested he loosen the rope a bit so my shoulders rested comfortably down, adding that my wrists up were fine.

Futomomo ties for the legs, where the ankles and calves were bound to the thighs – he remembered this surprisingly well and didn’t struggle in the slightest. He used the small loose ends to extra rope  to tie into the extra rope on bed posts that restrained my wrists. I thought that was very clever, as it spread my thighs as much as possible and moved them slightly up as well.

I was now spread open naked, a position that makes me feel vulnerable in an appreciated way as it assists the mind set that I want to achieve.

Ugh, I had actually suggested this was hot to me. Yet, in the moment, orgasm denial is such a tensioned tease that is hard for me to deal with. I whined my disappointment. Fingers again became aggressive inside of me, this time he allowed a full orgasm to slam into my body, quickly slapped at my inner thighs with his other hand, waited for me to come down from my orgasm and gripped and spanked at the lower part of my bottom that he could reach.

He slid his hips between my thighs, my tied heels nestling him behind his hips and keeping him pressed against me. I felt his erection at my entrance, the head slipped past my entrance and slid deep into my body. He felt so amazing inside of me and I tightened instinctively. He moved slightly, rubbed up and down a few times, just enough to get me worked up, and then stopped before I could find pleasure.

Withdrawing, he reached up and released my wrists. I think he moved towards the end of the bed, it felt that way. “Play with yourself,” he ordered. I hesitated, I know I did. I don’t do this often, and even though Mr. Texas and I had been together for months, it was at the edge of uncomfortable for me. Yet, if I denied him, would he think that his attempt to take control failed?

Did he he even want to see me masturbate? Just a few days prior I expressed how I found it hot when a lover would masturbate for me, and he replied that he thought that it was odd.

I didn’t want to discourage him – that alone made me tentatively slip a finger between my lips and rub. Was he watching? Did he sit there and get turned on by the sight in front of him? I hoped so, as that would encourage me to listen to this command in the future.

“Harder,” he told me, and I plunged two fingers in, though I couldn’t use my still tied legs to thrust my hips up to get a good angle.  “Make yourself cum really hard.” And I moved faster, but the angle was wrong and my mindset was wrong.

Fortunately or unfortunately, he must have believed that I had an orgasm from my fingers, as he moved my hand aside and entered me again.

We had sex until we both found our own release in each other.

Febraury Photofest
Nov 012016
 

Inspired by Domme Chronicles

I think of myself as selfish though many would disagree. It is not unusual for me to handle more responsibility or take care of others; of course in the role of mom, but I sacrificed a great deal as a wife. As a friend and family member I will go above and beyond for – there is little I would not do, and my profession is known for being selfless and I will still put forth the extra mile for my coworkers and the people I work with. Sometimes in these roles, while fulfilling, I will overly commit and feel drained, exhausted, and have nothing left for myself. Being selfish shows up more in my intimate relationships, but even that, upon reflection, is some shades of grey.

That is how I felt for three years during my marriage, though through no fault of my husband; it was the cost of supporting him during a job that wrung us both dry that the military created. It was also a time that I didn’t have the support of the other fulfilling roles (with the exception of mother) in my life – it required me just to be a selfless in my role of wife and even diminished my role of lover with my husband. (There was more positives than negatives during our marriage, for one: I offered my full submission to him during the course of our marriage – the only man that I have completely done this for, and that was a beautiful connection that I really blossomed and grew in.) What I have learned in my marriage is that I cannot compromise who I am really am and what is important to me – I learned this of course months after the marriage ended. He has asked me to give up the blog and twitter, something that I worked years on and that I feel passionately about. I couldn’t do it. He has asked me to give up people in my life – something I could compromise to an extent on. (And yes, he has asked for other outrageous stuff which felt like he was testing my desperation to be with him, and some things I did and others I agreed to, and then months later I wouldn’t compromise on those when we discussed AGAIN getting back together.) He has asked for monogamy – something that during the course of my marriage I truly struggled with and was the only thing I asked of him to compromise on (granted it’s a huge thing), something I realized that I could commit to only when the marriage was over.

…Something that I will not compromise on in my current state. I am not ready for commitment, I need to discover truly who I am and what works for me, and if that means that I come out the gate with a selfish stand while dating then so be it – I need this attitude, and as long as I am being honest, it isn’t selfish, right? It’s actually a concept I struggle with a bit, because I know Mr. Texas wanted the full commitment (he even proposed marriage), and so do some other men, so even though they know and supposedly accept, I feel guilty when I do play or date others.

What I have learned as a top (the role it seems I take with my vanilla dating explorations) is that it comes from a place of both selfish and selflessness. It is what I want – my show, my decision, my entertainment, my pleasure. But it is no fun unless they are enjoying it too, so I want to provide an experience that they desire. Maybe I top from the bottom?

What I have learned as a rope bottom is that I want things done to me and to be passive – this is a role that I do not often take and I relinquish control in bondage. I have simply no choice. I am bound, I can fight or struggle all I want – I am still being forcibly controlled. The power dynamic of this is incredibly erotic to me, and also can be pointed towards another kink of mine with consensual non consent. Someone else is in control and I am powerless to do anything about it, even if I so desired. I can achieve a mindlessness in rope that is rare for me, though it needs to be a very challenging, painful, or include multiple orgasms, as the physical demands have to override the constant chaos that is my brain. There is also some part of myself that just wants to accept what is happening to me without resistance or responsive action; being so compliant and submissive is the path of least resistance that creates such peacefulness when I have the dynamic with another in rope to be passive (found most often with my ex husband or Mimir). Rope helps me find that peace. (Mimir taught me acceptance towards passiveness.)

What I have learned as a bottom and play partner could be everything in being a rope bottom but a bit more complicated due to the forced factor. I can be more switched into submissive head space where I want to do what they want, but it takes a strong connection, a feeling uncomfortably foreign (new place, new experience), or physically forced (oddly just placing a hand on my throat will do it, it doesn’t have to be forced take downs – though those are hot). Some examples are The Wanderer asking me to fetch things for him (connection), when I was co-topped and ordered to move certain ways (foreign), or when Mimir would tell me to just stand there and look at me (thus making me feel self-conscious and awkward but oddly beautiful) because it was a power play allowed due to our strong connection. But this role is self-serving, I am having things done to me and I am not taking an active role, I am selfish in that it is my body being played upon and that I am not making decisions or having to come up with a plan.

It is this role, in rope/bottom/play partner, that I want the most; this is most selfish role that I am in my life.

Oct 092016
 

Masturbation Monday badge - smallAfter so many orgasms and a pain/pleasure predicament, he told me nonchalantly, “go get the brush.” Apparently our new thing is I fetch what he wants me to. I groaned, turned around, probably rolled my eyes but was smart enough to turn away from him first, and went to get the brush like the obedient person I am…at least try to be…whatever, it’s a fleeting thing.

I handed him the brush and he pulled me over his knee where he sat on a bench at the end of the bed, my hands clenched the end of the mattress. The first few strokes were soft and I moaned more in pleasure at the contact, but they quickly became harder and I balked at the sting. I squirmed enough that my tiptoes hit the floor and I pushed off for all I was worth, instinctively trying to escape the sting.

Mentally I cringed at how wimpy I was at sting. Couldn’t handle even a little bit, I inwardly criticized, and tried to will my body to be still and take it – because I could.

Still, in a power dynamic of this nature: brain versus body, my body overrides.

“Oh no you don’t,” he insisted as he grabbed at my hip and wrapped a leg around my now futile legs.

Helpless again, and it was needed as I could handle the assault on my rear end, even though I cried out such nonsense as “ow” and “it hurts” – which it did, but I was being terribly dramatic.

Right when it began to feel good, it began to really sting again. He swatted constantly and consistently at a fast pace and somehow even with my legs rendered useless I managed to twist and turn around his body, wedging myself between him and the bed for protection.

He simply laughed at me and wrapped a solid arm around my waist, continuing his sting assault as he shifted his own body off of the the bench.

I clung to the bench as if it would save my overly dramatic life, pressed my breasts and belly and thighs into it, willing myself to meld into hiding.

He shifted tactics and used thuds – it was probably from his palms but it felt like his fists. My body tensed at the onslaught and I began to clench. More tension and suddenly my body released and surrendered at the pain, creating a pleasurable orgasm in the wake.

His fingers soon plundered into my wet depths and granted multiple orgasms; not kind in the pressure or hardness of movement, and another tensioned orgasm after orgasm happened.

I was sweaty and stuck to the bench but he positioned me up on hands and knees and swatted at my reddened cheeks, thighs, and vulva. I came from his drenched hand consistently making contact with my lips.

Another finger fucking and then I sank into the bench, hugging it for comfort and gasping for breath. He settled onto the end of the bed beside me and piled rope on my body.

In my confused, overwrought state if felt like a blanket at first, but a strand slipped between my thighs and rested between my lips teasingly.

As he slid and caressed with more rope around my reddened ass, I felt the strands so much more prominently. He unhurriedly coiled it, stretching out the tensioned reverberations and sliding of the rope on skin. 1IMG_2330

*As a special treat, if you want to read his perspective and to see who The Wanderer is, click here


Aug 212016
 

Masturbation Monday badge - small

On Twitter, as part of my independent self love goal, I wrote about not completing a task and forgiving myself for that. I was given a last minute (an hour) order to accomplish something and didn’t; I later told him I needed understanding and to keep in mind that it’s fair to ask 24 hour notice. While he agreed that there would be no punishment, and gave me a more simple task I could complete last minute (see picture), he will be “keeping in mind” that I didn’t do it as he asked last time. Yikes!

Tasks are something that I view as being very specific to power dynamics, and something that can be considered almost a to-do list. I don’t view tasks as something that is said in the moment (unless the scene is laid out) – they have to be thought of prior, and in my own experience have a deadline or time set aside.

A recent task I was given

In this regard, with this definition, I have only engaged in tasks with my husband – though I’m sure truly it could be applied to perhaps two other people, but with them power dynamics have been more present but not fully established. It is unquestionable to me that I obey my husband’s commands when it comes to sex and kink (granted that means that a safe word is still applicable and that my hard limits are respected). He also tends to push my comfort levels with tasks – visual in some regard, masturbation being the top requested thing (even during our scenes).

His tasks are almost always while we are separated, as he is a visual person and misses the sight of me, not to mention this is a way for him to continue our power dynamics while we aren’t close to each other – a reminder I need quite a bit of as I’m naturally more dominant in personality. I’ve written about some tasks he will give me:

“I want a picture…you will get dressed in your stockings we got you I like, with your crotchless panties, and take pictures. I want a couple of pictures of you playing with yourself and then in child’s pose. If you are feeling real frisky take your new plug and put it in, pull your underwear to expose yourself while in child’s pose, and take that picture. This may be hard to do but you can use your phone timer, or something, I am sure you can figure it out. Only need to send one picture, you can send more, but I think they will turn out good and we can use them for later [for the blog].”

He’s never before been so specific, so detailed, nor has he ever demanded a photo. In the past, he only hinted or suggested I take one for him.

I think this reflects that he is aware of more of what he likes and wants.

I think this also reflects that gradual change that has occurred in our relationship – he’s more dominant overall nowadays. – Tasks

When he got home some months later, he used a video he ordered me to make and had me watch it while we had sex. This was a hard task for me: for one, I struggle to keep my eyes open, for another I dislike how I look – the reason he had me watch: he told me how sexy he found me and how it turned him on, seeking for me to view myself more positively. (Watch)

Videos are challenging for me, and one of his favorite things, so I get video tasks quite often. I dislike doing them, they are out of my comfort zone, and yet I am excited that he likes them. If I didn’t receive positive affirmation, I may not do them at all (last time was a lukewarm response that I’m sifting through some emotions with – believing that it’s my own emotions versus his).

Because videos are such a challenge, I find loopholes all the time, and he is learning those loopholes. An example would be when he told me to wear something sexy, and I wore a flannel because I found that sexy; though I did give him one hell of a strip dance – another request for that particular task and one that made me feel mutinous. He also knows exactly when I will balk, and has learned that the consequence has to up the ante. The last time I became too busy to complete a task, there was a severe consequence that I am not anxious to repeat (this time he also picked out my clothes so that I would wear something he found sexy), though the my punishment was incredibly hot.

Even though we switch in our marriage, the power dynamics are firmly established when the switch takes place. If I am in charge and he tries to pull rank, I don’t put up with it and his body often feels my displeasure. He hates pain and it really isn’t part of our scenes where I dominate him, “When I increased the sensations in roughness, I also took less care of tenderness – kissing him less, manhandling him more. When he would try to move away from a sensation, my hand was around his neck or my elbows were digging into a pressure point to keep him still, with a warning that he soon heeded to stay still and work through accepting the sensations” (Pegging Again). My elbows tend to be pretty accurate and get the point across on a physical level that I am in charge.

I use tasks most often to dominate him, a handy tool I learned a couple years ago after many failed attempts to give him a scene that he envisioned but couldn’t verbalize, “I…do what I do best: I made a list of what I needed and what I was planning – though the planned part was vague so that he didn’t understand… I threw him the list. ‘Complete each one, wait before completing another as I have a task you need to do in between each step.'” (Lists will save me). 

Some tasks I’ve given him are:

  • cleaning out a wax warmer to put in massage wax (because I was lazy)
  • fingering me to orgasm
  • tying my velcro ties around the bed for his height
  • edging himself
  • finding items for the scene (again, lazy)
  • making me orgasm through sex a certain number of times without cumming
  • putting me in my strap on harness (I just need help with adjustments, but I make him do all the work).

I will also give him some video/phone/writing tasks while we are long distance. These are mostly so I can seek to understand something; for instance, I just recently asked him to think about and explain why he made the comment that I am not a hard enough bottom and that he may find our level of play unsatisfactory long term, also what kind of hard play he was referring to missing and what he got out of it. The comment hurt me, but I tried to understand what he was saying, and not putting my own feelings and implying it to his intention. When I ask for a masturbation video with specifics, I am looking for what he finds hot/sexy/how he touches and when.

So tasks are about power dynamics and firmly establishing/reaffirming them, but also to show care, support, and seek understanding. And then sometimes, they’re just hot and fun and filthy and wonderful.

Except for the rare exceptions, all of the tasks so far between the two of us tend to be incredibly masturbation-worthy.

Aug 112016
 

I am a strong dominant/alpha/whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-it female. This is most apparent in my professional life, but my friends and family would view me in this regard as well. My husband would not like to make decisions and went “with the flow” as he often stated. Perfect for our marriage – because I am decisive and rarely go with the flow.

But I am also a bottom. I want things done to me – it’s how I find my quiet mind. If I do things to them, if I have choices, and make decisions of how the scene plays out in any regard (I can make suggestions and offer tips, however), then I lose my ability to quiet my mind. Oh sure, I’ll make decisions – like do I really fetch this implement for them? Do I turn around when they ask me to? But it’s been implied in the negotiations that I will for the most part be agreeable to their suggestions.

And that’s just it: it’s suggestions in their demands. But I do not relinquish control – I will not do something that I am uncomfortable with, that pushes a boundary, that explores something that I am not willing to explore…except with my husband.

Perhaps it could even be seen as topping from the bottom (I hate that term), but he and I slowly stepped our way into him truly “dominating” me. I would cum on command, I would listen to his orders instinctively rather than debating or making choices with it, I would have boundaries pushed – if I hesitated (strip dancing would be an excellent example of this – he had to threaten me with a more challenging task – the evidence that one or another I would obey), he knew the tone to take to sway me completely. He didn’t take away my ability to say no or to color him to stop – I was not unconscious or stripped of willpower, he simply had the amount of trust and love and history on his side to sway my desires or natural instincts towards more of an attitude of submission.

And that doesn’t make me submissive, does it? These terms and labels can be confusing at times. After all, this is only in our sex life, he will sometimes try to dictate other aspects, perhaps having a hard time getting out of the headspace (he really doesn’t do this often, as he likes to be an equal or have me make many decisions still).

Can I be? Yes, though it’s a delicious mind game of fighting an internal battle (you can find this internal debate most often with other people from my past).

Is it a natural role for me? Absolutely not, but it became so over time with my husband. And the more we are together again, the more apparent it’s become to me that I just naturally want to do what he wants me to do.

Apr 152016
 

M is for MIMIR, a rope partner who was truly spectacular, for my A to Z Challenge. How I miss that man!

Mimir sought to understand me. His communication was always excellent and lengthy, and began far before he ever touched me and continued past the scene.

When we began sexual play in ropes, he requested after the first time that I give a number on my orgasm intensity so that he could gauge exactly how far to push me and/or how to tease when he was in the mood. I only gave a number on my orgasm intensity once – it’s something I would have to be reminded on at first, but perhaps it was enough as I made the reminder suggestion but he never asked again. He is naturally intuitive, in my opinion.

He was excellent at making me feel exposed: once, during sensation play, he included a lot of staring. I was fully dressed and told to stand in the middle of the room. He just sat and looked at me; being placed in the middle of the room I couldn’t hide. He placed in ear plugs then slowly caressed and undressed my body. When I was naked, he sat and stared again, with no blindfold on I was aware of how he looked at me, that he was looking at me. I must’ve moved or shifted because he came to the center and tied my wrists up and over my head to a point above. Now I couldn’t hide even if I wanted to and I felt all the more exposed.

He also always made me feel his control; whether it was a statement or an action. He would pin my wrists if they were untied, letting me know that I did not have control.

Words also were big for him; once my thigh was tied up, but only after he clued me in that it would be for awhile by asking: “what leg can you stand on best?”. While caressing me, he demanded, “look at me,” a hairbrush ran up my thigh, occasionally soft and occasionally thudding against my skin and pinkening it.”Feel your thighs,” and I felt both the soft traces of the caresses and and the sting from the impact.  “Pussy,” and I clenched from the word. “Imagine yourself cumming. Now release,” and I did with wonderment over the order obeyed. Always he was in control.

He’s also sparse with praise but reaffirms that coloring is good; I’ve been praised both times I’ve colored yellow and he never pushed to red.

I miss this type of utter domination. We only saw each other once a week, but it truly satisfied me in a way that is rare.

 Posted by at 9:20 am
Mar 242016
 

“I can do what I want,” you whisper to me many nights.

It’s the words that get me far more than anything else; I love words – they hold the true power.

Even when my vision grows dim and my thoughts hazy with a hand around my neck, even through impact or orgasm,

dulled, exposed, aroused, sensitive sensations do not captivate me like your words.

They connect to my ear and send shivers down my neck, make my stomach flip-flop, make me tighten and tense.

Your words caress me at how beautiful I am, how I make you proud.

Your words push into me about your plans for me, hurting me, fucking me, making me completely yours to use at your will.

Your words penetrate me even in the silent recesses of my mind, the pain or pleasure noises of my body, and while my brain does not acknowledge the syllables that drip from your tongue, my body instantly obeys the crystal clear commands.

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When it comes to truly enjoying sex, how important is it for your mind to be stimulated as well as your body? What are the ways in which you enjoy you partner (or yourself) stimulating your mind?

 

 Posted by at 8:22 am