Dec 162015

At the core of me, I am a slut. I want to sleep with so many people. I don’t self-regulate this urge well, but being in monogamous relationships do. Perhaps that’s a horrible thing to admit – that I rely on another to stop me from fucking so many, or that I don’t stop myself well nor even want to. I see a person that I feel close to, and I want to connect on an intimate/physical level as well; I see nothing wrong with that.

But now he is gone and the regulating impositions of monogamy are not imposed. This is creating a mixture of things for me.

I don’t unwind well, he really knows how to calm me in this, and sex has always been my go-to since I became sexually active; well, he isn’t around but sex is still an option. All the have-to-dos in being an adult responsible for the family, the not-busy-enough blur of life, the mad rush of holidays and creating a family feeling of being whole when I feel we are cracked and missing something; I selfishly want something just for myself, just some moments to lose myself in another that has nothing to do with anything else.

I don’t know how to relax by myself, to truly embrace present moments well. My house is bleak and doesn’t feel like a home; winter so chilled and still has not shown a glimmer of warmth. Holiday spirit is void in my house this year (I decided we’re traveling to reinvent family spirit), no trimmed trees, decked halls, or wrapped presents.

For my own holiday wish, I want the wrapping of a condom, the slow-reveal present of how a man feels inch by inch as he slides into my body, the connection of kisses and arms around me, the bringing of heat and passion into a body that feels like it’s on pause and put away. I want the easy-going laughter of friends to blur into the moans of lovers.

I feel like I want to chase someone, many people even; I feel like if I begin to spend a lot of energy in the pursuit of sex that I will have very little left for me – and I want that right now. I want to fill this nervous, angry, sad energy of myself instead full of passion, lust, orgasms, heightened senses, intimate connections.

Do not get me wrong – I would want to pursue lovers in lustful ways under any circumstances, even if he were by my side, but not with the frequency and driving need that I feel in this moment. Fortunately, I am taming my rather wanton urges for the most part, and trying to be patient and let things unfold rather than pursue and push. Most importantly, I am accepting that it would be best (especially for him) if I commit to just one other.

But I am missing my one love this year and wanting to fill the void as quickly and in as many ways as I can.

*Inspired by Exhibit Unadorned’s Christmas Erotica prompt, set to the song Christmas Wrapping (The Waitresses).

 Posted by at 9:12 am

  3 Responses to “Christmas Trappings”

  1. Eloquently put, equal parts sexual and haunting…I continue to be impressed (and envious) by your ability to produce beautiful prose like this on such a regular basis. I hope through your yearnings some type of fulfillment is discovered.

  2. This is such a powerfully raw piece of writing.


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