Kids douse the flames of passion from relationships, there are ways to spark and set it aflame. Though not as often talked about, sometimes it’s daddy who is most affected by the change in parenting, while the mommy still wants sex. (I’m using daddy to mean the non primary caretaker because that’s my experience and it’s easier. I realize that “daddy” may not be gendered a male, nor “mommy” a female or the biological mother.)
I’ll start with an even more uncommon reason, but one no one wants to tackle: icky. There are some men who see a woman giving birth, and simply don’t want to go into what they watched all that mess come out of. Or they don’t want to suck on a woman’s nipples they’ve watched their sweet little piglets (I mean babies) monopolize, and now categorize them different. That’s something that needs to be acknowledged and then seek help for.
The more common reason, I’ve noticed, is:
Just a little respect…
A great daddy respects the mother of his children. He demonstrates to his kids how to respect mommy. Hell, he gives her so much respect that she’s no longer the erotic, sexy, somewhat objectified lover that induced lust. She is the mother of his children, too worthy of being bothered by those pesky baser desires. She becomes “the mother” (often associated with the virgin Mary, mother of Jesus, and pure and untouch(ed)(able)).
The Madonna/Whore complex. I’ve sadly had such an issue with this complex, and am grateful that at least in my marriage now, this is no longer an issue.
First, he needs to realize that she is not his mother, she is their mother. Establish that boundary, associate her with things other than “the mother”. Add just a dash of objectification – it’s okay to view her as a sexual creature. She can be a great nurturer and have a fantastic ass. She can tuck in the children and give him great blow jobs. He can show her to upmost respect then close the bedroom door and bend her over and spank her ass (if they’re into that sort of thing). She is capable of being both of these things. It is possible to be “a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets”. It does not detract or distract her from her other role.
If he struggles with this? She needs to spice it up and show him her inner whore. I’ve joked that he can “leave the money on the dresser”. There may not need to go that far, but she needs to assert her more sexual self, show him that she is that woman that inspired carnal lust worthy of fucking (or making love) that created the kids in the first place. Play strip poker, share a sexy fantasy, recall a steamy moment of the two of them from the past, make a bet with sexual stakes.
Or hell, she could just tell him that while intimacy and kisses are always allowed and welcomed, she expects to be paid for more skilled services like blow jobs or being on top. Because after all, you don’t pay the mother for sexual services and she would never barter that.