I know many of us suffer from it, but forgive me, dear readers and followers and friends: I am busy. I am so busy that it’s all I can do to not go to sleep the minute work ends and I still have to get dinner going, kids cared for, the house straightened.
Forgive me, beautiful bloggers that I enjoy engaging with, I am not reading much. It is all I can do to occasionally post a couple of times a week (a compromise with my husband is that I cannot post things about other people so I have to create content instead of grabbing a draft I’ve written on busy days), and try to read/comment on what I can participate in. I am not reading my blog roll, I am barely engaging on Twitter (and even then my husband commented that my grammar sucks because it’s on my phone on the go so I’m not checking my own words).
So what am I doing?
Well, I’m helping to run a new program at my work that the people higher than me have decided, with all these lofty goals (and they are great goals), but have no idea what it looks like or how to effectively accomplish it. So a few of us are trying our best to make it succeed, but it’s a bit like being dudes/damsels in distress tied to the train tracks watching the train approach and knowing that soon things will crash in a terrible ending.
Before I even go to work, I am working out many mornings: one reason is I quickly figured out I have zero energy for this after work, and another reason is that I have a goal to lose half an inch of body measurement (my husband’s constant prompting) for the month of August (have you heard I make lists and goals?) Also on my goal list for August is that I lose 5 pounds, so even on days that I am seriously stressed and just don’t have the motivation to work out, I am trying to change stress eating towards more healthy eating (beautiful Rebel inspired this).
I’m also sending my eldest off to a different country to study abroad for a year. Yikes, and oh so scary but exciting for both of us. I’m proud of the strong, independent, responsible adult that I have raised and hope many more dreams come true with some hard work and a plan. Meanwhile, in a few weeks, you will find me drunk, in tears, and trying to console myself that everything will be okay…and it will.
School also started, and with that kids’ schedules/juggling things around: getting them to and from destinations and after school activities, not to mention homework. To get off of work and help with homework and establishing those routines again is a bit rocky at first. We’ll get into the swing of things soon enough and this should allow some space into my schedule to again begin reading and writing – if nothing else I can do this as I sit beside the homework littering a table, on my laptop.
My husband and I are reconciling, and that is a damn hard uphill battle. We have over six months of history where we have completely shut down the best friends aspect between us, not to mention the mistakes we made during the course of our marriage. In the past few weeks, I’ve even let this dream slip a bit as my communication hasn’t been what it needs to be to establish a feeling of connection between us, and I feel terrible about this and will work harder to remedy this. Have I mentioned that we also are long distance with half a day’s drive between us? So seeing him hasn’t been easy, and I am becoming buried in work on the weekends. Have I also mentioned that I have never been so in love with a man like I am with him? I miss our friendship, our sex, our love, our dreams, our marriage – it will all be worth this uphill climb when we find our way back to each other.
I am also working really hard in slowing down my life and what I commit to – because I deserve to breathe. I am working hard on changing my mindset to believing that I am strong and independent (the way I am raising my kids to believe but somehow have forgotten to view myself). I deserve love, respect, relaxation, excitement, happiness. Most importantly: I am working hard to fall in love with myself. You may have noticed my daily commentary on Twitter (which is much harder than I imagined it would be, and which sometimes I barely remember to pause and reflect enough to write).
I know life will slow down – I also realize that I need to change how much I am allowing work to take its toll on me.
I truly miss the relationships that I’ve built online with reading (and relating) to so many of you. I miss writing (and reflecting) about my relationships with others (and myself) here in this space. But I will breathe, love, and know that everything will be okay.