Mar 162014
 

He requested that I dominate him.

In the past, before I requested the same thing from him, we would switch. It wasn’t true domination, but rather a long tying session, where we would tease and taunt the other person tied up. This would we switch.

He outweighs me double, and our height proportion is a vast difference. So clearly my dominating would not be of a physical sense, but more of an emotional/mental one. In this regard, unquestionably I am this person outside of the bedroom already.

I asked him what he wanted. For weeks. He didn’t give me an answer. I pushed, prodded, to know what it was he desired. After all, I gave him explicit information for my request of domination, even a list of other bloggers’ posts to read, stating that “I wanted this”.

I wanted to give him a great experience, and that would be helpful if I had an idea of what he wanted. The most I got was, “so you know what I go through, and vice versa”. Vague, mostly still shooting in the blind, but at least something.

So, I tied him up, took away his physical control. Blindfolded him, took away the knowing of what was next. Teased and taunted him. And to give him a taste of what I felt when he dominated me, even threw in a few phrases that he would tell me.

After a long session of this, he was disappointed. He felt that I was trying to be him at points (when that was all I had to go off of). He wanted pegging (unstated). He didn’t want to be tied the whole time, but that is the only way I am able to physically control him.

I did peg him later in the night, when he stated that was a desire he had. He wanted soft kisses and close embraces with that. That is not my impression of dominating.

I was frustrated with the experience, and several weeks later, I am still frustrated. I feel that it is very important to ask for a fantasy, to be insightful into what it entails; otherwise, do not walk into a situation with expectations. It will lead to frustration and disappointment to both parties.

I have no idea if he wants to try at it again; I think we both ended with a bit of defeat. I just know that I personally don’t want to try to fulfill what he wants without him explaining it, because obviously he had specific things that he anticipated, and wasn’t satisfied with me doing my best with a blank story.

Fantasies are amazing to have, and should be asked for if desired. But to be vague, it is more fair to leave the fantasy open to what will happen between the two (or more) people. If something very specific is wanted, then that needs to be shared. There’s nothing wrong in asking for exactly what is craved – it’s not demanding or lacking in spontaneous – it is the fantasy being carried out.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

 Posted by at 7:46 am

  14 Responses to “Disappointment”

  1. I’ve often used the phrase “i’m not a mind reader, am a terrible guessed, and stink at picking up on cues unless I know to look for them.” So I understand the frustration but on the upside it sounds like you both were able to close the gap even if it was after the fact.

  2. Perhaps he was feeling strange about wanting to be dominated, and that prevented him from asking the specific things he was hoping for. In any case loving communication not being frustrated will be a key for both of you.

  3. I agree with your conclusion ~ We can’t read minds and specially fantasies since it’s all a mind game ~ Best to ask him to lay it all down, and it seems to me, he wants some sort of mystery, but its hard to fulfill something which we don’t know ~ Appreciate your honesty here~

  4. definitely there should be communication about expectations. And I’ll be the first to admit that saying them aloud is super hard. not just coz it’s naughty. It’s just …hard. Good girl voice vs …what I want. I’ve gotten better, but gosh the first time was terrible.

    Maybe he could write down some things that he wants you to do, and you can pick and choose of the menu a la carte?

    good luck with this in the future. (I asked M if he’d ever let me top him…hahaha…silly me. “no fuckin way” was the first response, followed by a long lecture on why that would never happen in my lifetime…funny Man.)

    nilla

  5. Master T has told me so many times that He cannot read my mind and that when I want something, or when something bugs me, I have to tell Him. I find it difficult to do, but I eventually do tell Him, even if it’s sometimes in words I don’t even understand myself. In this case, you should not feel guilty. You tried the best you could. He did not tell you what he really wanted. But maybe he was unable to. I think the two of you should sit and talk about this, to get it out of the way… and then start all over again. So sorry that this has been a negative experience, but try to turn it around into something positive 🙂

    HUGS

    Rebel xox

  6. Surely the only reason to be truly disappointed is if you learnt nothing?

    In our early adventures with BDSM we would spend longer talking about it than actually doing it: usually post-“action.” Tell each other what we liked, what we didn’t and what we’d like done differently.

    We still don’t always get it right 100% but are a lot closer. I’ve had an evening of being dominated and punished: sadistic use of the riding crop, paddle, vampire gloves, misery stick and cane. We tried new things, or more to the point old things in new places (soles of the feet) and she now knows my response to that.

    So you’ve learnt that he wants/likes pegging but likes bondage restraint less: is that not the first page of the Mr Cammies Manual?!

    My wife used to say the same thing about me: that I expect her to be a mind reader when I think it’s common sense/obvious; only recently have I been really open all the time about what I want inside (and occassionally outside) the bedroom. But until we experiment and play, I don’t really know what needs to go inside my Manual! 😉

    Hope you both find that enjoyment.

    John

  7. He might have had a hard time communicating what he wanted because he didn’t know himself. When I started to explore kink I just had a vague feeling that I wanted to go “more hardcore” with sex. It took research, self-reflection, and trial-and-error for me to discover what truly turned me on before I could express it to my partners.

  8. Don’t wait for him to ask you to dominate him again take over control throw him down on the bed and tie him up tease and taunt him without mercy. While he is tied up make him watch you use your favorite vibe or toy. Sounds like he has a hard time with communicating but let him know you are not a mind reader and he has to let you know what turns him on. Try tying him up face down and spank him then gently soothe him to orgasm using your mouth or some lube and your hand. If he is up for some wax play you could do that also. Use your imagination do to him what you would like him to do to you. One big thing you can do is practice dominating him the more times you do it the better you will get at it and the more fun you will both have. Good luck

  9. It’s fairly common for male subs to have problems communicating their desires, that is when they aren’t busy trying to script every action by a Domme (I’ve seen both extremes) . . .

    Have you ever considered another scene where you put him in bondage and then torment him, asking him to confess his most wicked fantasies . . . sometimes a scenario like that can help a male submissive to feel more comfortable in confessing their fantasies . . .

  10. It is no surprise you feel disappointed, but i hope you do not blame yourself. There seems to have been a communication failure, and an impossible request…for you to experience what another feels. If you are a switch you will experience domination as you do it, not as how another does. If you are not a switch you can never do anything but go through the motions in order to please another ( ie the sexual component is missing) This is how it is for me when i Domme working, i know clients leave satisfied because i have Dominated them and I make them tell me exactly that they want, even if it is drawn out of them via caning ect. However there is no sexual satisfaction for me since i am domme, simply the satisfaction of a job well done.
    I hope as others have said you do not see this as a failure but as a learning experience, for both of you

  11. I figure everyone has beat me to the good advice. all I say is that open, honest and clear communication are what is needed. otherwise it is shooting in the dark and hoping for the best

  12. It sucks doesn’t it. I like the others can tell you the same thing but they have already said it. I have a hard time getting mine to admit what he wants.. which makes it so difficult.

  13. So the first time didn’t go well, we fail our way to success. Try again. And again. Expecting to be great the first time isn’t very realistic. For either person/any person. Try things, lots of things, it’ll help both of you define your desires and expectations. Sometimes you just gotta see what works, and go by reactions more than words. He is a guy after all, he’s not going to talk and communicate like you would.
    So try again. Explore and experiment.
    Good luck,
    And have fun.

  14. This would be really tricky for me. (the dominating part not the communicating) I think I would really struggle to give someone what they wanted in that regard. I would have no idea where to start and I think I would feel very self conscious doing it which would only add to the issues.

    You are absolutely right though, either it is spontaneous play and exploration that develops naturally or, if there is something very specific required then that has to be talked about at length to make sure everyone has the information they need

    Mollyxxx

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