Jun 052014

Sigh. I’ve been involved in a long distance relationship for quite some time. He comes to see me about once a month, but that is never enough. We’ve kept it open and light but it’s gotten to the point where we really need to be closer to have any growth in our relationship. His visits have been longer and the date that we agreed he would move down here has loomed closer. So have my concerns about it.

You see, we’re of the same bent. I’m a switch, but definitely lean to the sub side of life. He says he’s a switch but is swimming in the pool of slavedom and loving it. It’s been more apparent it’s going to be hard to get our needs met with the dynamic we currently have. We’re open, so of course that leaves us a great deal of options. It was coming to a head though and some discussions had to be had. He’s into Mommy stuff, and I am 100% not. I need a really strong aura of dominant prowess to submit and get fulfilled, and as my fabulously gay friend Seth put it “Girl, that boy is ALL bottom”.

After hours of spilling our guts of the things we were afraid of with what would happen when he moves, and what would happen if he didn’t, I realized that I had to readjust some things in my life. We both did. I have a very strong, dominant personality, and I’ve always enjoyed topping. In fact I love it. So far our conflict has been about getting our wants in that regard met. For me, it wasn’t happening. There was really only one logical path for us to take and after a lot of soul searching I agreed to the following (keeping mind there were hours of peripherals included):

1) I was going to take the dominant role in our relationship because frankly, I already had it

2) We were going to formalize this into a 24/7 D/s relationship

3) I was going to be Domme, Mistress, and Owner

4) He was going to fulfill his role as sub, property, and pet

5) There were specific desires that the other was incapable of filling and those were able to be sought from an outside source specifically
A) My needs for play with a dominant partner
B) His enjoyment of Mommy/age play

6) Our relationship was to remain US. It took precedence over everything else

7) No outside relationships were to be cultivated beyond friendship and play

8) He requires my permission before entering into any negotiations for play, in return, I would also inform him of any negotiations I entered into

9) We both have veto powers over any partner, for any reason, at any time.

10) He’s really young, and very sheltered and craves direction and structure. Therefore in an effort to help clearly define his boundaries I would draw up a contract to help as guide.

These were the hard limits of the foundation for our shift in dynamic with the #1 priority being open, honest, respectful communications between us. We both felt better for having stopped being drifters in our own relationship. It presents unique challenges for both of us, but we felt on much better footing and he loved that I was willing, and fully capable of making this shift. The day he left to go home for the last few weeks before the move I kissed goodbye a very happy boy who delighted in calling me ma’am. We both went through and made changes to our FetLife profiles and started working on homework. I was having him complete the typical limit checklist, as well as having him identify his top ten favorite rewards, and his top ten hated punishments. Meanwhile I was looking into my own limits and drawing up the framework contract that I had agreed to do.

Two hours after all of this I get a text from a friend asking what in the world was going on. Over his visit, my new pet had been paddled by my friend who was very much into Mommy play. In fact, it was this instance that lead me to even know about my pet’s desire to play that way. Apparently, my pet was quite happily busy texting my friend telling her that I had suggested she be his top. My eye twitched a bit. She asked him if he had gotten permission from me and he not only said yes, he said I recommended her specifically… I took a breath and counted to ten.

I explained to her that I was surprised by all this, but if that is what he wanted then I was okay with it, with the understanding there would be boundaries. Let me pause to express that I struggle with jealousy and work through those feelings in regards to physical sharing. Emotional sharing I refuse to do. It’s my hard limit. I’m greedy. I then informed him that I wasn’t very pleased with him doing this without first consulting me, and explained I wasn’t recommending ANYONE, I just gave him permission to engage in that play with others.

Something was off. I know people. I know people that I know personally very very well. I wasn’t getting the entire story so I told my pet that I wanted that entire conversation sent to me. She had sent me a tiny piece, where he had told her about my supposed suggestion, and the surrounding text was, in my mind, suspicious.

Holy fuck, I agreed to Domme an idiot. Not just an idiot, a really big one. I take my commitments seriously, and this was a huge one I had entered into. The conversation that I was sent was over 15 screenshots worth of text. In it they outlined THEIR relationship, in which she would assume the role of Domme, not Mommy, and that he needed to complete homework for her (coincidentally the homework I had already set him to). It discussed ways in which he would serve her… It discussed protocols wherein she was going to be referred to as the same honorific as me (she didn’t know), and that he was going to work his way into slave. Per their conversation he was her’s to command except for when that conflicted with my wants, because after all, I was the girlfriend.

It was agreed he should have me talk to, and gain permission from, her Dom. ME. There was so much lovey shit laced in this conversation I wanted to vomit. In mere hours not only had he broken my BIGGEST rule, he also subverted my authority, embarrassed me in front of my friend (who happens to be a huge gossip), but also made me motherfucking cry. Goddamit, I cried. I was hurt, betrayed, and astounded by the blinding brilliance of his idiocy. I explained the situation to my friend who was stunned speechless. Day 1 and I was honestly a minute away from telling him to fuck off. I’d agreed to rearrange my life, put my submissive desires on the back burner, and fully invest in our future and him moving here… and he does this immediately.

My silence while I tried to absorb the blow prompted the text “I fucked up, didn’t I?”

Sigh. Patience. He’s new, he’s young. I don’t have enough money for bail or for the attorney that homicide charges would bring. He didn’t know any better.

I explained the 10 step foundation outline we discussed and had agreed to already. I explained how what he did was not only wrong, but really close to a betrayal to me. I explained that he clearly didn’t understand the authority he needed to respect. Once I was SURE that this time he had gotten the message, it was now time for me to nail it home. I took away his most beloved past time, something he practically eat, sleeps, and breaths. I explained what the punishment was for, and that he should be thankful for my mercy because I only took it from him for a week. He wasn’t allowed to spend the time masturbating. Instead he now had to find books and articles on what being a sub, and a good one at that, meant. He was to send me links to things he found particularly edifying. Hopefully this time of reflection would help him to grow and appreciate the gift of my dominance. I also made him apologize to my friend for dragging her into this sticky, awkward situation.

He was thankful, remorseful, and devastated at disappointing me. I was seething and really needed a damn bubble bath, but luckily this was carried on via text so he didn’t know how mad and hurt I was.

All in all, it was a complete first for me. In all of my relationships and all of their individual dynamics, I had never in my life seen such utter failure on day fucking one. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the worst is over already and while there will be things that come up, none of them could be as disastrous as this.

Meanwhile, I am getting that contract finished as quickly as possible because my new pet has about as much common sense as my current pet, my Pomeranian Sophia.

 Posted by at 9:17 pm

  7 Responses to “First Day Disaster”

  1. Mind. Boggled.

    Geez, rough start *hugs*.

    I have thoughts aplenty, but mostly they consist of incredulous head shaking so not terribly productive.

    But two things jumped out at me (unsolicited advice, ignore at will):

    1. Don’t do too much too soon. If you aren’t careful, it will feel like a bunch of work and it sets you both up for failure.

    E.g. Introduce one or two new things at a time, not ten. When he has the first one down and sorted and you’ve ironed out any glitches (3 weeks to learn a new habit), then introduce another.

    However you slide into this, set both of you up for success as much as you are able because failure is no fun, and it should be fun.

    2. You said, “this was carried on via text so he didn’t know how mad and hurt I was.”

    He should know how mad and hurt you were. Truly.

    Not that I have any insight into your boy, but FWIW I have found this strange mindset with some new submissives where they honestly believe that they don’t have the power to actually hurt you with their behaviour (*especially* if you are always seen as the strong one).

    The result can be that they focus on *themselves* when they cause you pain (“waaah, I fucked up, poor me, she won’t like me any more, pat me, reassure me, make me feel better”) instead of you (“holy shit, I really hurt her with this, she’s fucking HURT. I *caused* that! How can I fix this and never do it again?”).

    *crosses fingers it’s all smooth sailing from here!*


    • That is excellent advice and I definitely see the logic, especially with him, he’s a slow learner sometimes so I don’t want to overwhelm.

      He knew how hurt I was. It prompted the exact thing you mentioned, but on both fronts (waaaaa I fucked up! Sprinkled with waaa she’s really hurt). The problem is him knowing I was upset had me flooded in apology and recrimination texts. So I didn’t let him know about the continued sting I felt because honestly, I’m a sensitive flower so I stay butthurt longer than necessary and I didn’t think it would do either of us good for me to let him know I was still really hurt.

    • Yeah. I second Ferns on her observation:

      “The result can be that they focus on *themselves* when they cause you pain (“waaah, I fucked up, poor me, she won’t like me any more, pat me, reassure me, make me feel better”) instead of you (“holy shit, I really hurt her with this, she’s fucking HURT. I *caused* that! How can I fix this and never do it again?”).”

      I might add this for illustration: Case Study: Stages of Submissive “Sorry” 🙂

  2. …. i’m lost for words! Wow. So sorry you’ve been put through this! Very much hope that things only improve from here. 🙂

  3. Huge credit to you for even considering continuing in anyway let alone the amount of patience you showed.

  4. Wow!

    So sorry to hear of your problems. Hope it all gets better. It sounds like a big adjustment for you both to make and I’ve always believed: you learn best when you make a mistake, the lesson sinks in much deeper.

    Fingers crossed for you!

  5. This is an eye opener for me ~ But as in any relationship, both of you have to be open and honest and set up your boundaries ~ Other than that, I can’t comment as this is both your call ~

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