Jun 162014

“No bodily functions like golden showers or scat. I’m not into pain for the sake of pain – if I get hurt from rough sex that’s one thing, but no spanking or hitting or such. No anal. Once we have sex, we are monogamous, or we stop having sex.”


This was my mantra in discussing limits of sex with a new partner. It was a statement made for so many years it just seemed a part of me, so comfortable and self-assured in what I liked and needed.

Other people were entitled to like what they wanted, but it wasn’t my kink.

Then I met my husband. My beyond vanilla husband who had no experience of any kind to draw from other than one partner who only allowed less than a hand full of foreplay things and one sexual position. I told him my mantra, he saw no problem with that, and we had amazing sex.

And years later, in the comfort and trust of a loving and secure relationship, I began confessing fantasies. He didn’t judge me, just listened. And slowly pushed a few things.

He also confessed some fantasies.

We experimented with a few new things. I wanted him to be rougher. He struggled with that request. I wanted him to spank me, to bruise me. He was the gentle, reluctant giant. It was not in his nature.

I don’t know if this is a case where it is me pushing my (fantasized) kink on another. I didn’t even know if I liked it, so I couldn’t very well approach him from experience. But I wanted it. And he wanted to give me what I wanted, but was so cautious and reluctant.

Still, I persisted. Then I wanted him to dominant me. That was a tough sell. I am dominant by nature; he is submissive. And I wanted to believe it, of all the impossible demands. We are still on that journey, but it’s getting better every time.

Your kink is not my kink but that’s OK, only it wasn’t okay after years. I wanted more of my fantasized kink, went against my own mantra and comfort, and pushed another to journey with me.

With others, YKINMK. With him, my own lover, this was a tolerance I no longer had. Heck, even with myself.

And he is getting more persistent as well. He wants to be dominated – a role I unquestionably have outside of the bedroom already. Not always, he assures me, but sometimes. Only he has no idea what that looks like, so I fail repeatedly. He insists he has no expectations or certain fantasies with it – but he clearly does. He doesn’t know how to voice this kink he wants. I have no idea how to give him a vague request so just keep trying.

Only I am reluctant to try. It is partly because I fail at it with his frustratingly vague concept. But if I were honest, that is only a small part of it. I don’t want to dominant him either. I don’t ever want to be in a position sexually other than submissive now. I don’t want to control and force my will on him sexually, to make decisions. I resent him asking. I am always the decision maker and relish the brief respites in the bedroom.

And yet, he has fulfilled my fantasies and desires to the best of his ability. I feel guilty for not wanting to fulfill his.

I don’t want us to switch.

…………………I want to give him what he wants.

Some kinks are confusing. I show more tolerance and patience and understanding to outsiders, to people who seem so confident in what they want and need. I used to be one of them.

I don’t even know what my kink is anymore, and I need to be okay with that. I don’t know what my husband’s kink is anymore, and I need to be okay with that.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

 Posted by at 11:32 am

  8 Responses to “I need to be okay”

  1. Reading your words, I can feel your pain. I can feel the struggle you are going through, the struggle that you want to let go, don’t want to be in control all the time, yet you want to give him what he wants too. This is not an easy position to be in and I don’t think anyone can give you advice on how to handle this. It’s such a delicate problem and I hope with time you find the answers you are looking for.

    Sending you many hugs!!

    Rebel xox

  2. This is such a tough place to be. I think like most things that key is communication. I feel like maybe your husband is having trouble telling you exactly what it is he desires when he says he wants to be dominated by you. I guess the key is getting him to really open up to you about specifics, otherwise, even if you do try, you are going to be playing guess work with regards to what it is he wants.


  3. I can relate to some of what you said, regarding your marriage. Discussing fantasies, some behaviors not being in his nature. Marriage is a work in progress, communication is a must. Sometimes it’s so difficult to share stuff due to fear of rejection or judgment. I do wish you luck with all of this.

  4. Just remember, these things aren’t gong anywhere. They’ll still be with you, ready and waiting, when you’re ready for them. And you’ve got all of your life to get there.

  5. I’m so sorry to hear your pain.

    I would say communication is key, as already said, but if he is struggling to put into words what he wants, do you need to sit him down in front of XTube/BDSMTube/etc and start watching some porn. Get him to tell you, what he likes from each scene. What he would want in the bedroom. If words fail him, would visual cues be any help?

  6. This is such a painful and difficult place for you to be in. Converting vanilla to kink is a hard one. I get the impression that you both know what you want but that you are having difficulty finding middle ground as well as finding the best way to communicate this.

    John has a great idea with the visual thought of using porn videos as it does seem that your man is having difficulty in telling you verbally what you want and men work much better on the visual plane! Watching some D/s, BDSM porn may be the way that he can show you want pushes his buttons rather than trying to explain it.

    I also see where you are coming from in needing to be free of decision making for a time, I have this need also and that is where it is so helpful to have the switch dynamic.

    I wonder whether organising time so that you can each have alloted times when you do your best to meet the others needs. This is something that would need clear communication and knowledge about what each of you wants.

    I really do hope that you can find a way around this and maybe some of the ideas that people give you here are helpful!

    ~Mia~ xx

  7. My husband and I switch and it is hard. Basically, at home, I’m in charge all the time and he has a high powered job. We both need time off.
    We went through a really blah period, sexually speaking, after two kids and massive upheavals in our lifestyle.
    .knew he was holding back and, luckily, made a good guess. Once that fantasy was out (he wanted me to use a strap on), he became much more forthcoming.
    Topping is hard for me. I bought the book, The Hesitant Mistress by Dvanna Hightower.
    How can I put this? Being in charge is tiring and, sometimes, tiresome. But you can get the sub to really indulge you.
    Just have a plan in mind. Doing it off the cuff is far too challenging after a long day.

    • Thank you for your feedback. I am always interesting in learning, and will look up this book. Thank you for the name.

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