Jun 122016
 

Wicked WednesdayIMG_6374
When my sister and I first began blogging, I wanted absolutely no identifying factors. Sis A definitely chafed at this, but overall really respected my wish to be completely anonymous.

As time has gone on, I’ve become more relaxed about identifying factors, discussing more and more personal stories, letting her show more and more of her face, eventually showing a bit of me too.

I still don’t show my face, but I’m getting closer to it.

My reasons for being anonymous haven’t changed, simply how stringent I feel like I need to be.

At first, the only audience that I personally knew was my sister, and I had zero issues with that. Then my husband starting reading (he always knew, just wasn’t interested). As soon as I knew he read, I found myself changing how I wrote, keeping in mind he was in the audience.

The friend that was my tech help later became my lover for a time – he obviously knew about the blog, he helped me make it. He encouraged me to write after we were intimate, and loved to read it. I’ve written in more detail how people that I am intimate with have shaped my writing in Known Blogger.

When my sister convinced me to let her post the website on her Fetlife – certainly taking at least her away from anonymity with her kink community, my husband and I decided to do that as well.

So mostly everyone I met in the kink communities knew I wrote; it was odd to see a comment from someone I knew personally. It was strange to me that I may write up something that will influence how they see me, my sister, my husband. They may read something about a scene that I have had in their presence. (Lesson Learned would be a prime example.)

Mimir became my first true challenge on how to navigate consent with writing – I asked if I could post scenes for the first time ever and he read each and every write up beforehand for approval.

Because I started to write from a personal perspective about my life and explorations, I felt that it was important to write up any conflicts and had the full support and approval from my husband. The problem with this only came about when he moved across the country to try and find a job after getting out of the military, and we were separated for a few months while I supported us and gave notice to quit my job before joining him. New people in a new community were reading the blog without seeing our dynamic in person and the deep love that we had for each other. They also only viewed me from the one perspective that the blog affords – not as a wife, or mother, or professional, or friend, only from the sexual journey that I presented for a particular audience.

My identity is far more than the flat sided puzzle piece of the blog.

They began to criticize our dynamic.

Then my husband found a play partner and immediately broke all boundaries and limits that we had established in pursuit of a relationship. I understood the whys – after all, I had been guilty of it years prior, and I moved across country with a job offer in his town only to be turned down within hours of arriving.

I wrote of my heart ache in separating from the love of my life, sent them to him for permission, and tentatively got it. He was always my biggest supporter, though he disagreed on some posts and wanted his girlfriend left out of it completely.

And then I became the other woman, and he wanted that kept hidden. He began to  criticize and shame me on what he was reading from Twitter. I blocked him, he created a new account. He said his girlfriend read my Twitter, read my blog. I tried to stifle even more of me, take out less personal details.

But the blog had become something very personal, and I just couldn’t take it back to impersonal erotica. At a time where I was again alone from moving and not having a support system when I so desperately needed it, I found strength in the online community.

Then he wanted nothing else posted – this is about where I’ve left his story off, though I did share more than he wanted at the very end – I felt like it was important to gain perspective and for my healing process, not to mention that it completely killed the twisted future that he and I went back and forth on.

To be very honest: my marriage kicked ass and was truly magnificent (I absolutely mourn for it far more than I thought possible); it was my divorce that became dark, abusive, cruel, ugly.

Because the blog is a few months behind my actual life for most posts (not all), when I began venturing into new relationships and new communities, I have kept it anonymous: it is no longer on my Fetlife profile, the people I scene with do not know of its existence – though if I ever develop any sort of intimacy with someone they will know, I just feel that’s ethical, though I do not feel the need to share with my random hookups or random people I scene with.

So who does know in my “new” life?

Mr. Texas because he was someone that I became very intimate with and he features often.

David because he was in my old town so already met me with the full knowledge, and because I needed his permission to post the photos (each one emailed for approval prior).

Speaking of photos, any random guy that I take a photo of that I want to post knows (so far this is only one man).

The Wanderer who also knew me prior to me withdrawing open knowledge. Just like with Mimir, I am incredibly nervous to write about him, almost intimidated.

I am about to tell The Reservist because he is more than a one night stand, despite my original intention of only one time. He lives in my actual town though I hooked up with him across the country while he was in training, and he paid to fly me back out to see him over a long weekend before he deployed. We have a great connection and amazing sex. We have every intention of pursuing something once he is finished with his deployment. I figure when he returns, I will tell him if we truly do pick back up.

I am also about to tell someone I’ve scened a few times with; we are about to do some photo shoots which will definitely need his permission. He is great at rope, though I do not have the dynamic that I had with Mimir. (Hopefully, I will develop that strong of a dynamic with someone else someday as it was everything I could ever hope for.)

I am tentative about sharing the blog to people I am meeting because I do not want to be judged from this one sided perspective of my life – it does not define the entire person that I am, it simply sheds light into my sexual journeys and relationships with others.

 Posted by at 2:01 pm

  7 Responses to “Identifying”

  1. You are so right: we are not only our blogs, we are far more than that. I can understand your reluctance to put your blog on Fetlife, after the comments you’ve had and with the situation with your husband and his girlfriend. You’ve been through hell and I admire your strength. All I wish for you is happiness and to be free to write whatever you want, whenever you want.

    I appreciate your personal posts, reading about real life and not only the sunny side of life.

    Rebel xox

  2. I miss blogging totally anonymously. Ok, maybe with the exception of the bloggers I have also met. I remember the alarm I felt when my husband shared my blog with one of our playmates. We were open, and he was bragging on something I had written and sent her the link. It was like the beginning of the end. She shared it with another playmate – out of pride. Then my husband gave it to others who gave it to others. And, now I feel I’m trapped. Too many people (maybe only a dozen or so) know I blog, so now I feel I must edit – must omit – must not share even the things I need to scream into the either.

    At one point, I adopted the “this is my house so fuck off” mentality. While that works, it doesn’t always. I recently posted an emotional post about an uncertain situation that had me feeling things – and the only comment I got was someone bashing me. The someone doesn’t know me – doesn’t know my situation – does’t know anything – but in that moment decided who I was. I almost wanted to stop blogging – it was so frustration.

    In the end, I blog whatever I feel ok with blogging. I don’t care about others as much these days. And my husband has learned a lesson – don’t share my blog. I am careful who in my real-life knows – because I want that ability to share anonymously. I think everyone needs an outlet – for me its my blog.

    I hope you find that balance. Remember that this is your house – screw what others want. They can stop reading. (That’s the point I got to with a couple of past lovers). Great post – I think more than will comment understand it.

    • Thank you, and I’m sorry to hear that yours was shared to the point where you felt you needed to edit or be cautious.

  3. You have to write for you, forget the audience. This is one of the hardest things I had to learn to do too. People who can relate and like what you say will find you. And of course as always some of the names have been changed to protect the identity but not the events

  4. I enjoyed reading this post of yours. Sorry to hear of your divorce, heartache. I glad to hear you’re coming through all of it on top. 🙂 Great post. Thanks for sharing it.

  5. I’m so sorry to hear of your divorce. I can only imagine how gutting that is.

    I think you comment “My identity is far more than the flat sided puzzle piece of the blog.” is so very profound. We judge people based on what we know of them, whether it’s their blog, their Facebook wall, or even the person we know face to face. There are few people in the world who know us in our all glory, which reminds me to be cautious in jumping to conclusions when I look at friends and acquaintances’ lives.

  6. This>>> “My identity is far more than the flat sided puzzle piece of the blog.” I completely identify with this statement, despite the fact that I am very out about my work there are still private bits of my life that I don’t share and i am definitely way more then just a sex blogger

    Mollyxxx

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