May 052017
 

I’ve written about how I’m not kink enough.

Now I’m concerned that I’m not blog worthy. Hell, let’s just say I’m not life worthy. I’m an imposter, something Kayla Lords writes eloquently about.

My sister and I began this blog. I didn’t think I could do it alone, even though I did all the research, read those I admired, had a plan on how to enter the sex blogging community. I didn’t think I had enough to write about, or that my writing wouldn’t be strong enough, or diverse enough. So, I invited my sister into my idea – less scary to jump in alone, and I already knew she was brilliant and talented. Not to mention that she had the most unusual sex life – far more exciting than my own. I asked her to start Sinful Sundays simply because I didn’t have the confidence to be seen – a point she couldn’t believe I asked of her but she flourished under the supportive community until I tip toed in. See how self doubt and comparisons crept in before I ever leaped?

This space here brought us closer. It also caused arguments as my flighty sister in her exciting life couldn’t commit to a post, a timeline, couldn’t be bothered with the responsibility. But we got over those – we were always each other’s biggest supporters and every single thing that she contributed was appreciated and far more than I could ever write. Towards the end, her health halted things on here; she wanted to go towards more of the photo side and show her face – a dilemma that had her creating her own space where she began with old photos, but even though I fully had the reins and was managing it all here, I was rallying for her to begin her own creative journey once she became well enough to do so. I was also curious how soon it would take to pass up on this space – one she had helped create.  I’m sure it was only a matter of time.

And now she’s dead.

When I first began writing my own stories, they were all about my husband. Impersonal erotica at first, and then a glimpse into our marriage – and then our problems. Now this space, my end of the stories, are more journal type though they are relationship and sex centered.

And now he’s gone.

I feel that they took a piece of me with them – I don’t feel that I deserve to be  happy. I feel that I have nothing to write about and no support system to continue this blog – they who were every nook and cranny of the foundation space here.

Sure, I know that I have ran this blog successfully, and that everyone deserves to be happy and pursue their aspirations, but I feel like…

The truth is, I’m unsure what to feel. I’m putting one foot in front of the other, I’m pursuing a relationship with Mr. Texas, I’m being unsuccessful at creating an environment that is multiple-relationships friendly, I’m living a lie.

Every time I felt unsure of myself, I could call my sister. I cannot anymore. I reread her cheerleading words sometimes and they just make me feel more despondent – because she was life in itself and I am nothing more than a fraud pretending to live.

  12 Responses to “Imposter”

  1. You are loved. You are worthy. You deserve to find your happiness. You are no imposter. You are a survivor doing whatever it takes to keep putting that one foot in front of the other. You are amazing writer both for your creativity & your openness. You are hella sexy & more fun to be around than puppies. The summer is coming soon! You will feel so much better when you can bring Summer M out to play! Loves 4 Evah!

    • I agree! You are worthy! My brother died and I miss him every day. You are brave too!
      You make me so envious every time I see your body. I want you to be happy. That’s all. D🌸

  2. Please consider talking to a professional, maybe some medication for awhile?
    I believe you are suffering from depression. You are not happy. And that must be making all your relationships difficult. I hope you don’t hate me for saying it, but I’ve felt this way for quite awhile. It seems to be getting worse, not better. If you ever want to talk I’m here for you. I’m worried about you! Dawnie

  3. I’m a loyal reader. My heart has gone out to you so far and so long, it’s traveled the country with you. You’ve been a source of inspiration to me to be brave, to face my sorrows, to commit to my kinky self, to be wholeheartedly in whatever happens next, even if I don’t understand it. And I will say, my psych meds have been on point, so I feel a safety net beneath me that makes it so much easier to jump wildly. So courageous of you, always, to show us your pain. Remember we are here, all linking hands as best we can to break your fall.

  4. I don’t read loyally but I need you to know you are loved and you are enough. I’m so sorry. I wish I had more words but please know outside of whatever community you’ve created you are still amazing separate.

  5. I am sorry you have been going through such hard times recently. Regardless of how you feel about your writing, or the subject of your writing, the passion that comes through has kept me coming back time and time again, even when the subject was painful for me. I hope you are able to work through the difficulties in a way that satisfies you and brings you peace and I hope that you continue writing no matter what.

  6. First of all, you are not an imposter.

    You are a beautiful, sexy, talented and strong woman who has been through a very difficult time and need to find a way to get your balance back. Whether it only needs time or you need professional help, only you can decide. My wish for you is to heal, to feel your own strength once more and to be incredibly happy!

    Much love!

    Rebel xox

  7. I have a tendency to embrace a ‘suck it up and deal with it’ attitude, but I have to agree with the other commenters – you might want to consider seeing a mental health professional for assistance in coping with the loss of your sister. I miss her too, she was pretty awesome.

    As for the future of the blog, do whatever the fuck you want with it! In the almost 5 years that ‘hubman’s hangout’ existed, the focus changed several times. I started it at the same time that V and I opened our marriage and it’s evolution tracked the evolution of our relationship. Eventually it stopped serving a purpose for me, so I stopped blogging. I still follow some favorites, like yours, and stay connected through twitter, but I don’t miss blogging.

    Please take care of yourself. I’m thinking happy thoughts for you and your future.

  8. You are a strong woman. Sometimes we need to be told that. If you feel like an imposter then go create a life with your genuine self. We evolve. You are not the same person. That’s good. Embrace who you are now. You’ve earned it.

  9. oh sweetie. I read every post, wincing at your pain, dealing with the shock of your sisters death, gone too soon.

    How hard it is to grieve in public, when you’ve shared so many intimacies here.

    Don’t give up. But don’t be afraid to take time, either. It takes time to work through the worst of the grief. It doesn’t ever go away all the way. Her loss will still be with you, but the memories will be more about the good times. Here’s a poem that has helped me with the loss of my mom.

    “You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

    ― Anne Lamott

    And I urge you too, to find someone to talk to, a grief councilor. I have a friend (a kinky friend) who does online counselling and she’s an amazing person. Email me if you would like contact info for her. You’ve had a LOT of changes in your life, stress-filled ones, compounded by the loss of your beloved sister. This does not diminish who you are. It changes you, but you are still here. Please, please consider talking to someone. Okay?

    The world is hard, but there are people who still care. I’m one of them.

    Hug and love,

    nilla

  10. Oh what I would give up right now to hold you close, cuddle, laugh and cry together. As a reader and most importantly as a personal friend my heart absolutely aches for You. You are absolutely worthy of love and happiness. You out of everyone I know deserve that. You aren’t an imposter just someone who has lost themselves and need to find your ground again. Please reach out to me love. Call me. Text me. FaceTime me. I would love to hear your voice and see your gorgeous face.

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