*Maybe this needs a trigger warning? It certainly triggers me. This is NOT the consensual non consent scene; this was something I told him I was NOT doing the morning of.
“Anal?” asked mid orgasm with a thumb in my ass, already in that high orgasm head space.
Still, I answered, “no.”
“Just the tip?”
“Just try it.”
“I’ll stop if you say.”
“No, thank you.”
“It’ll be slow and easy. You’re ready. Besides which, when will you ever do this again?”
“I don’t know. Never.”
He grabbed a condom , set it to the side, proceeded to have sex with me. After an orgasm, he put on the condom but it was just to continue having sex with me. Another orgasm.
He positioned me to the side, curled my legs up, positioned his tip at my back hole, and with a lot of lube slowly eased in.
“No, stop, it hurts.” I dug my nails into his chest.
“Shh, relax, it’s fine. I’ll stop here,” he grabbed my hair and yanked hard, diverting the pain to my scalp and eased in a bit more. Both hurt. He grabbed a vibrator and pushed it in my vagina, leaving less space in side of me but some pleasure. And pain. He eased in a bit more. “Relax,” he said in a soothing voice at my ear, his hand going around my throat, his fingertips pressing in.
“No,” I protested before the world faded. When I came to consciousness, he was completely inside of me, going a bit faster and harder. The vibrator didn’t override the large object moving painfully inside of me. After awhile, he pulls out, takes off the condom, then has PIV sex, coming immediately.
I cried, great heaving sobs, and he held me. “I’m proud of you, you did good,” he whispered in my ear.
I curled into his chest, seeking comfort from one who hurt me. I trusted him even though he pushed for anal sex and was about to leave me. I trusted him even though he told me that the weekend had to be a secret because he was now monogamous with his girlfriend and I – his wife – was now the other woman.
“I knew this would be hard for you.” He murmured into my tears.
Then why would he do it and leave? I consented but it was from a pathetic desperation to keep him that consented to something I was uncomfortable with and had zero desire to do.
I felt violated but I violated myself. I felt disgusting – not the in the act but in the desperation. I trusted a man who would walk away. I allowed something uniquely special to a man who didn’t value my worth.
I cried so hard I slept and when I woke up, I cried again.
He had been inside of me in every way possible and would be gone in hours.