Jun 052016
 

*Maybe this needs a trigger warning? It certainly triggers me. This is NOT the consensual non consent scene; this was something I told him I was NOT doing the morning of. 

“Anal?” asked mid orgasm with a thumb in my ass, already in that high orgasm head space.

Still, I answered, “no.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Just the tip?”

“No.”

“Just try it.”

“No.”

“I’ll stop if you say.”

“No, thank you.”

“It’ll be slow and easy. You’re ready. Besides which, when will you ever do this again?”

“I don’t know. Never.”

“So…?”

“Maybe.”

He grabbed a condom , set it to the side, proceeded to have sex with me. After an orgasm, he put on the condom but it was just to continue having sex with me. Another orgasm.

He positioned me to the side, curled my legs up, positioned his tip at my back hole, and with a lot of lube slowly eased in.

“No, stop, it hurts.” I dug my nails into his chest.

“Shh, relax, it’s fine. I’ll stop here,” he grabbed my hair and yanked hard, diverting the pain to my scalp and eased in a bit more. Both hurt. He grabbed a vibrator and pushed it in my vagina, leaving less space in side of me but some pleasure. And pain. He eased in a bit more. “Relax,” he said in a soothing voice at my ear, his hand going around my throat, his fingertips pressing in.

“No,” I protested before the world faded. When I came to consciousness, he was completely inside of me, going a bit faster and harder. The vibrator didn’t override the large object moving painfully inside of me. After awhile, he pulls out, takes off the condom, then has PIV sex, coming immediately.

*

I cried, great heaving sobs, and he held me. “I’m proud of you, you did good,” he whispered in my ear.

I curled into his chest, seeking comfort from one who hurt me. I trusted him even though he pushed for anal sex and was about to leave me. I trusted him even though he told me that the weekend had to be a secret because he was now monogamous with his girlfriend and I – his wife – was now the other woman.

“I knew this would be hard for you.” He murmured into my tears.

Then why would he do it and leave? I consented but it was from a pathetic desperation to keep him that consented to something I was uncomfortable with and had zero desire to do.

I felt violated but I violated myself. I felt disgusting –  not the in the act but in the desperation. I trusted a man who would walk away. I allowed something uniquely special to a man who didn’t value my worth.

I cried so hard I slept and when I woke up, I cried again.

He had been inside of me in every way possible and would be gone in hours.

  22 Responses to “Just Try It”

  1. The last few posts left me unbelievably sad. Mostly because I understand how you feel to a certain degree. Hugs to you

    • Thank you for taking the time to read the last few posts and the virtual hug, these posts break my heart

  2. These last few posts left me aching to hug you!

  3. It’s probably irrational to hate someone from reading about him, but I do. I hate him for hurting you, for making you doubt yourself, for making you feel unworthy and sad and desperate for him. I hate him for using your sadness to satisfy his own ego, his own fantasies, his desires.

    I read your last few posts all at once and I’m so sad for you. You’re not pathetic at all. You’re heart is broken and you’re sharing that with us. I hope that it’s cathartic for you and that you start to see the strength in yourself that we all see in you.

    Sending huge virtual hugs to you.

  4. Quite honestly, I see zero consent in this. Unless you’d previously negotiated and had a safe word other than no, I see *zero* consent – this is rape. No doesn’t mean, “Try to convince me.” It fucking means no. Stop doesn’t mean ease in – it means FUCKING STOP. And maybe doesn’t mean yes. Maybe does not mean yes. Maybe does *not* mean yes. You didn’t violate yourself – he violated you. Period, full stop, the end. This is not on you. Fuck that guy. He knew that you were vulnerable and he took advantage of that, so seriously, Fuck. Him. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you don’t deserve this pain.

    • … just read your previous two posts. Even if you negotiated consensual non-consent beforehand, given the emotional state you were in, I still see so little consent present. It still feels very coercive and manipulative because he obviously knew you were in pain and trying to hold on. The heart holds onto people long after they stop making us feel good – even when they hurt us, physically and emotionally. This is so gutting to read… I want to say again, though: this is not on you. <3<3<3 *a million strong hugs*

  5. I have read your last entries and left me really touched.hope I could be close to be supporting.you do not deserve be treated like that and I admite your bravery on being able to write it down and share it.big big hug and take care of yourself by first being away from him.kisses.

  6. He needs a good punch in the nut sack.

  7. What simina said. 🙁

  8. Sad For Her! WellWritten!

  9. Knowing you’re into edgeplay, and playing devil’s advocate, where was the safeword here?

    • An incredibly fair question, and all the reason why I take sole responsibility. I didn’t think to safe word because it was not a scene, there were no BDSM factors to this moment between us – no bondage or any other indicators when we normally do edge play. I said no and stop but I still allowed it to happen.
      I believe I’ve made that clear in my writing, and the only error that I have noticed is that a person thought perhaps that this was the consensual non consent scene we negotiated – which happened the day prior to this and which needing a safe word was discussed prior to.

  10. I have this intense feeling to hug you very tightly and to punch him in his face! He did all for his own benefit. For what? To boast to his friends how he convinced you to do something he damn well knew you don’t want to do? Something you said no to over and over and he was to f***ing stupid to notice you lost consciousness? He did all because HE wanted to do it and didn’t care ONE bit about you. You are not pathetic luv, not one bit. May I say that I am glad it’s finally over? You deserve so much better.

    Rebel xox

  11. […] Just Try It by Cammies on the Floor – I am sorry that I have to highlight a post here that caught my eye because what happened is just not good. She tried so hard to save her marriage and he just crossed boundaries he shouldn’t have! […]

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