Sep 152015
 

I’m scared anxious nervous about writing, how to write, what to write.

When we first began blogging I wanted it completely anonymous. No one was to know, except my sister and husband. Then my friend knew so he could help with the technical side of the website.

Then a few of my sister’s and my closest friends knew, including any relationship that my sister felt close in.

Now pretty much everyone knows in the kink community, though we don’t advertise it – it’s on our Fetlife with the web address (a constant suggestion nudge from A).

At times, because I may know my audience, this changes things on how I write, what I write, when I post. What if I’m judged? My whole kink journey is out here (granted it’s a long journey to go through the posts, which a rare person would do), my thoughts and fears and darkest desires. Some of it is fiction (not much, though). I’m also proud of what I’ve done here, but what if others find it lacking? What if this part of me (sexual) is viewed as the whole of me (in which I’m really a boring employee/wife/mother)?

When I first began blogging, my husband knew but never read. Then he started reading and as soon as I knew he did, I changed how I wrote, keeping in mind he was in the audience. Sometimes I would write things differently so he wouldn’t find them offensive, sometimes I would subtly suggest a fantasy of mine. Some things haven’t been posted, and have sat for years. I told him just this week that I don’t want to worry about his reactions when I write, that I wanted to write honestly and from my (biased) perspective. He stated that he understood and supported that decision. But still…

The friend that was my tech help later became my lover for a time. He encouraged me to write after we were intimate, and loved to read it. There are parts of him that still sit in drafts, even though we ended our intimacy long ago, even though there are fully fleshed out writings. It’s not for his view that I worry, but that of my husband’s – that still expresses concern over that particular relationship.

And now that (mostly) everyone knows I write, it is odd to see a comment from someone I know personally. It’s strange to me that I may write up something that will influence how they see me, my sister, my husband. They may read something about a scene that I have had in their presence. (Lesson Learned would be a prime example.)

And I’ve scened with someone new, for the first time. I asked if I could write it up – the first time I’ve ever asked for permission to write, though to be fair I would have written it anyhow and was truly asking to post. I’m nervous and terrified to post it, it’s written from my perspective, and while he (the person I’ve scened with) is intelligent enough to know that fact, what if I read more (or less) into the experience than he did? What if I didn’t accurately represent him, or cast him in a light that he would view unfavorably? I told him it wouldn’t be accurate based on my view and being in rope/subspace, and while he acknowledged he understood, what if I did a terrible job? When I write for the blog from memory, the writing itself is full of grammar issues because no matter how objectively I read to edit, I am taken back to the moment and I stop seeing the errors (I need my sister to start editing before I hit post). Will he think less of me for these stupid little errors that pop up constantly in my writing?

And then there’s my husband, who had no problem with me playing with this man, but had a problem with me doing a scene that night in general. I wrote up that issue. I plan on posting it. Will no one want to scene with me because I’ve shared the concerns I had with my partner? And yet, I feel that it is important to write up any conflicts with adding in a new play partner, because dammit, as a reader I don’t read about such issues; I read things like “it was a challenge that we overcame”. How did the conversation sound? How did it evolve and resolve itself? What were some concerns and hurdles? If I want to read that in others, I should write about the experience.

So, I guess I’m saying hi to the people who know me. Go easy, realize that I am open in what feels like a very vulnerable position, and that what I write can only be by my perspective and with artistic license.

Wicked Wednesday

 Posted by at 4:55 am

  15 Responses to “Known blogger”

  1. I think you are doing a great job. I commend you for the courage to write down your thoughts, feelings and experiences. No one is perfect when you write with feeling to express yourself. I enjoy reading your blog.

  2. i do not think as a writer we do not have these concerns about what others will think…even if we are mostly anonymous. you ALWAYS articulate this kind of stuff in a way that i really connect with, and all i have to say is keep doing what you are doing! it is why i love reading your posts…

  3. I completely agree with your assessment. I know that Sir reads my posts, so I find myself changing the wording and structure of my pieces.

    Other than Sir, I am (or try to be) separate from my vanilla life. I’m not sure I will always be that way, but I’m sure that your concerns are felt by a lot of sex bloggers.

    Keep up your great writing. I’m sure your friends/family/lovers are just enjoying reading your journey. I know I am!

  4. My owner doesn’t read my blog unless I specifically send him a post, and I typically only send him the erotica ones. Which is sometimes awkward since Blue Collar Bondage is based on him. I have always advertised my blog on my fetlife profile, so those from my scene do read my stuff. I don’t know who all does read it. I think at least 2 of my play partners do.

    Once, the group used one of my posts as a meet and greet topic, and I wasn’t even there. Lol. I do try to refrain from discussing specific people other than my play partners to avoid offending anyone. I will also sometimes temper what I say for the same reason.

  5. I recognize so much in this post. Whenever I write, I keep in mind that my Husband reads it too. Most of what I write, he knows or has been discussed before, but sometimes I use this as a way to ask for something or to tell him something. I don’t change what I read because I know he reads it, because I know he understands me like no other and knows that I express myself better in words.

    Writing about others is a different thing. Remember that I wrote about a date we had, where I was the only sub in the room? That was a date where a lot went wrong, a lot felt wrong and I was so incredibly careful when I wrote about it. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but at the same time I wanted to write about the date because it was a way of getting the frustration out of my system. There is however another playdate that I never wrote about, because I could say nothing nice about it. It was such a huge disappointment and so totally the opposite of what I thought it would be that I couldn’t say one nice word about it. So I just never wrote about it.

    I totally understand where you’re coming from and I think this post is a great way for you to ask the people to keep in mind that this is your space where you can talk about things that happened, and that they should respect that.

    Great post!

    Rebel xox

  6. It’s a tough road to walk, If you’re honest with yourself and your feelings, perceptions etc. then i think it’s fair to share those experiences. You’ve read enough of me to know that I give the regulars nick names outside of the co writers at the site who are blatantly part of my mix,

    .It would be a lie to say I’ve never hit publish on something that I knew a particular person, even a loved one might object to. a case of taking the good with the bad If it were only the good scenes, the great sex and the happy endings that got told on anyone’s site it would become boring and unrealistic. You have a very nice balance from what I can tell.

  7. It’s a conundrum, to be sure. But you have to be true to you. AND you have a unique perspective in all of this. . . something I’ve not seen in any other blogging format.

    Easy for me to say “go for it, you rock it”..but you ultimately must do what feels both true to yourself–and sane for your relationships, too.

    nilla

  8. Brilliant post – totally understand what you are saying. It is like we are free to be and inhabit our true self when we are anonymous – when we know there’s a chance we might not be, we censor – we can’t help it!
    I try not to but I know I do. My WW is about finding out that a close friend always reads my post – the good news is, she’s a saucy gal so I’m delighted rather than uptight.
    Others though? Not so sure…

  9. This is a wonderful piece (and, for the record, your blog is always a wonderful read). There is definitely a vulnerability in blogging but most especially when we know that those who know us ‘offline’ are reading what we’ve written.

    I know that some of my friends and even family members read my babblings and I do, at times, find myself self-censoring, despite my best efforts not to. I just can’t help it. It’s a difficult balance, as you have so eloquently pointed out.

    You’re doing an amazing job of being honest and articulate and brave and I really hope that all your readers, not just those who know you beyond the Interweb, understand that.

    Jane
    xxx

  10. […] Known Blogger by Cammies on the floor  This is an interesting piece in which I think many sex bloggers might recognize themselves. Do you change your writing when you have told someone about your blog? Who do you tell about your blog? Read this piece by M of the Cammies and leave a comment, sharing your views/experiences. […]

  11. Like Rebel I see so much of myself in this post. It is a hard thing to be true to yourself and express what YOU want without considering how others may see you or hurting someone’s feelings. I have posted a couple of times about ‘writing as if no-one is reading’ and in truth these posts were a warning to readers who know me that they are being allowed to be privy to my private thoughts so beware, they may stumble across some stuff they don’t like. But when posting I still consider ‘what if so and so reads this?”

    At the end of the day life goes on. Those who are offended and let your writing affect their relationship with you are maybe not as good friends as you thought. In my experience the bondage and swing communities are the most honest and accepting people on the planet. If the niche you find yourself in does not accept this large part of your life then maybe it isn’t your niche,m

  12. It really is a hard balance to maintain. My partner always reads my posts, mainly because it involves shared experiences and I like to reflect his feelings accurately but also simply because he is my proof reader, without him I’m sure half of my posts would be gobbledygook!

    I’m still anonymous but as I’ve grown to ‘know’ other bloggers I worry how they may perceive me, which I know is an incredibly daft thing to worry about but, but all of us, I’m only human!

  13. […] over time this has changed and now everyone knows who I am. I read this post this other day by Cammies on the Floor about how that shift for them has at times had an impact on what they write about and/or how they […]

  14. What is the best way to contact you regarding a possible collaboration?

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