scared anxious nervous about writing, how to write, what to write.
When we first began blogging I wanted it completely anonymous. No one was to know, except my sister and husband. Then my friend knew so he could help with the technical side of the website.
Then a few of my sister’s and my closest friends knew, including any relationship that my sister felt close in.
Now pretty much everyone knows in the kink community, though we don’t advertise it – it’s on our Fetlife with the web address (a constant
suggestion nudge from A).
At times, because I may know my audience, this changes things on how I write, what I write, when I post. What if I’m judged? My whole kink journey is out here (granted it’s a long journey to go through the posts, which a rare person would do), my thoughts and fears and darkest desires. Some of it is fiction (not much, though). I’m also proud of what I’ve done here, but what if others find it lacking? What if this part of me (sexual) is viewed as the whole of me (in which I’m really a boring employee/wife/mother)?
When I first began blogging, my husband knew but never read. Then he started reading and as soon as I knew he did, I changed how I wrote, keeping in mind he was in the audience. Sometimes I would write things differently so he wouldn’t find them offensive, sometimes I would subtly suggest a fantasy of mine. Some things haven’t been posted, and have sat for years. I told him just this week that I don’t want to worry about his reactions when I write, that I wanted to write honestly and from my (biased) perspective. He stated that he understood and supported that decision. But still…
The friend that was my tech help later became my lover for a time. He encouraged me to write after we were intimate, and loved to read it. There are parts of him that still sit in drafts, even though we ended our intimacy long ago, even though there are fully fleshed out writings. It’s not for his view that I worry, but that of my husband’s – that still expresses concern over that particular relationship.
And now that (mostly) everyone knows I write, it is odd to see a comment from someone I know personally. It’s strange to me that I may write up something that will influence how they see me, my sister, my husband. They may read something about a scene that I have had in their presence. (Lesson Learned would be a prime example.)
And I’ve scened with someone new, for the first time. I asked if I could write it up – the first time I’ve ever asked for permission to write, though to be fair I would have written it anyhow and was truly asking to post. I’m nervous and terrified to post it, it’s written from my perspective, and while he (the person I’ve scened with) is intelligent enough to know that fact, what if I read more (or less) into the experience than he did? What if I didn’t accurately represent him, or cast him in a light that he would view unfavorably? I told him it wouldn’t be accurate based on my view and being in rope/subspace, and while he acknowledged he understood, what if I did a terrible job? When I write for the blog from memory, the writing itself is full of grammar issues because no matter how objectively I read to edit, I am taken back to the moment and I stop seeing the errors (I need my sister to start editing before I hit post). Will he think less of me for these stupid little errors that pop up constantly in my writing?
And then there’s my husband, who had no problem with me playing with this man, but had a problem with me doing a scene that night in general. I wrote up that issue. I plan on posting it. Will no one want to scene with me because I’ve shared the concerns I had with my partner? And yet, I feel that it is important to write up any conflicts with adding in a new play partner, because dammit, as a reader I don’t read about such issues; I read things like “it was a challenge that we overcame”. How did the conversation sound? How did it evolve and resolve itself? What were some concerns and hurdles? If I want to read that in others, I should write about the experience.
So, I guess I’m saying hi to the people who know me. Go easy, realize that I am open in what feels like a very vulnerable position, and that what I write can only be by my perspective and with artistic license.