Mar 072014
 

**Often the primary caretaker takes the role of mommy, regardless of sex. For the sake of simplicity, I’m writing as if mommy is a woman, because I am, and it is simplier for me this way.

I’m a mother of three, and the three kids are as evenly split between thirteen years as possible. Not to mention that I am often the only parent around, and work a full time job. I try to be the anchor for my kids so that they can explore and scamper, but my sex drive is always in danger of drowning in responsibility. When being a successful mother is often symbolized in pinterest type perfect domesticity, how to ignore the homemade everything and a clean house to get a little dirty?

Advice for getting mommy in the mood:

For Mommy: First understand that mommy needs comfort in predictability and consistency – it is crucial for raising kids, and yet those words are instant death to a passionate and spontaneous sex life. Draw the mommy away from the woman, slowly seduce with words, tease, kiss, build up the desire, work for the anticipation of the moment like the work put in when first you two met. Passion is created, not ordered on the spot (though that may follow with time). It gives her time to plan, to anticipate, to look forward to something. If necessary, schedule a date – while not spontaneous, it is someone else taking care of her, feeding and cleaning she doesn’t do, gives her an actual event to escape fully from her role of caretaker. Going out allows her to shed the “mommy skin” of dirty sweats (or pajamas in my case), perhaps gives her an excuse to take an extra long shower, shave her legs  and/or put on makeup (I really only do these if I am dressing up).

To Mommy: Mommy needs to realize that it is not fair to sacrifice herself for her offspring. Sex is selfish; it is giving into a more primal urge and desire to satisfy the self. Self denial of this aspect is not healthy to the woman inside, her sexual identity, and needs to be separated from this almost preposterous cultural expectation that a selflessness mother is the ideal mother. It is unhealthy to build a world revolving around the kids, for both the kids and mommy. When you don’t get individual attention from a partner, love and companionship, that need can sometimes be transferred to the child(ren). And the kids needs to know that mommy needs time to herself, that there are limits to what they can demand of her (limits are good for children), and it also gives them time to gain some independence from mommy (also a good, but scary, thing).

Being lustful does not conflict with being a great mommy. It is connecting to your partner, showing your kids what healthy intimacy looks like. Adult sex

Don’t tell your partner no – it is uncompromising and final. It is a rejection, and hurtful to your partner. Try instead on: “convince me,” “hold me,” “kiss me,” “massage me,”. Allow your partner to seduce you, to touch you, to inflame desire, decide when you have given intimacy a chance.  Have your lover undo your practical ponytail and pull your hair for a kiss (if you like that sort of thing), strip your food and dust covered clothes to reveal the woman’s body underneath – the one that inspired such a life to begin with.

Tuck in the “mommy skin” with the kids – it is a blanket far more suited wrapped around them, far before you actually need your own sleep. Come to your lover shed of that comforting yet burdening weight; be just the woman you were and still are. Realize that your body is powerful: it inspired creating life and endured bearing life. Make love with that power and confidence.

 

 Posted by at 9:00 am

  5 Responses to “Mommy Doesn’t Want Sex”

  1. Love this. A big task for parents to do both, however; especially moms. Takes vision, no?

    “Come to your lover shed of that comforting yet burdening weight.” Like this. And though you maybe didn’t mean it this way; just might build a “lover shed” in my backyard right next to my Man Cave! And put your quote on top at the entrance!

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