I am a strong dominant/alpha/whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-it female. This is most apparent in my professional life, but my friends and family would view me in this regard as well. My husband would not like to make decisions and went “with the flow” as he often stated. Perfect for our marriage – because I am decisive and rarely go with the flow.
But I am also a bottom. I want things done to me – it’s how I find my quiet mind. If I do things to them, if I have choices, and make decisions of how the scene plays out in any regard (I can make suggestions and offer tips, however), then I lose my ability to quiet my mind. Oh sure, I’ll make decisions – like do I really fetch this implement for them? Do I turn around when they ask me to? But it’s been implied in the negotiations that I will for the most part be agreeable to their suggestions.
And that’s just it: it’s suggestions in their demands. But I do not relinquish control – I will not do something that I am uncomfortable with, that pushes a boundary, that explores something that I am not willing to explore…except with my husband.
Perhaps it could even be seen as topping from the bottom (I hate that term), but he and I slowly stepped our way into him truly “dominating” me. I would cum on command, I would listen to his orders instinctively rather than debating or making choices with it, I would have boundaries pushed – if I hesitated (strip dancing would be an excellent example of this – he had to threaten me with a more challenging task – the evidence that one or another I would obey), he knew the tone to take to sway me completely. He didn’t take away my ability to say no or to color him to stop – I was not unconscious or stripped of willpower, he simply had the amount of trust and love and history on his side to sway my desires or natural instincts towards more of an attitude of submission.
And that doesn’t make me submissive, does it? These terms and labels can be confusing at times. After all, this is only in our sex life, he will sometimes try to dictate other aspects, perhaps having a hard time getting out of the headspace (he really doesn’t do this often, as he likes to be an equal or have me make many decisions still).
Can I be? Yes, though it’s a delicious mind game of fighting an internal battle (you can find this internal debate most often with other people from my past).
Is it a natural role for me? Absolutely not, but it became so over time with my husband. And the more we are together again, the more apparent it’s become to me that I just naturally want to do what he wants me to do.