*Written an entire year (and some months) ago, and something my husband pointed out as leading to our downfall. I understand it – I didn’t handle our one adventure well into polyamory, and it was the reason why I didn’t want to try it again. Posted unedited since I wrote it.
My adventures in polyamory didn’t end well; as a matter of fact, it’s a festering wound that is one of the few things my husband and I still argue about.
It began with my request to try it. After a reluctant agreement from my husband, I started having a long distance relationship with a good friend of ours. While flights were costly, I managed to see my boyfriend about every other month – him either coming over to spend some time at our house in the guest room, or me flying to see him at his house. Due to the fact that I have children and he is childless, he would more frequently come to visit.
My husband was rarely home – work kept him away but for the odd hours and one day a week he had off (maybe). So when my boyfriend visited, it was never on the one day my husband was home all day, but in the evenings if my husband could make it home, we would all hang out – after all, we were all friends.
My husband had a girlfriend – it was actually this that tipped the scales in my favor, as my husband wasn’t willing to be polyamorous – until he found someone he was interested in first. That fact never bothered me until we stopped; I view it as selfish to his needs while ignoring my own.
My husband, being military, will sometimes issue commands and expect them to be instantly obeyed. It makes it hard on the kids, who hardly see him and defer to me by instinct. It aggravates me, since I am his equal. And it irritated the hell out of our friend, who suddenly fell under this attitude. So when my husband ordered no communication to be had on the day he had off, while it was reasonable request because he truly was hardly home and needed my entire attention, my boyfriend reacted with the enthusiasm of a rebellious teenager and upped his texts and communications on that day.
I didn’t help matters – I argued with my husband on the decree instead of truly listening to the why mostly on the fact that the message was delivered so poorly – by a dictator rather than a concerned person.
My husband didn’t even have time to spend with his girlfriend – he had zero time, and was incredibly stressed out due to that fact.
But when he decided that polyamory wasn’t for us, that he couldn’t handle the stress of thinking of me with another, and felt it horribly unfair that I was receiving more benefits to the arrangement than him, he also declared that I couldn’t talk to my boyfriend anymore.
Not at all.
This still doesn’t sit well with me. I understand my husband’s frustration with everything. Hell, I made it worse by not respecting his one day a week, and he feels that my boyfriend not only stopped being friends with him, but tried to sabotage our relationship (not respecting the one day a week space for us).
But I am friends with all my exes, and I especially should be friends with someone that has been my friend for years, and to whom I had no falling out with. Yet, I am to have zero communication.
My friend didn’t take well to this either. He was happy in his relationship with me, and he again rebelled at the stopping of it, sending texts and emails. I encouraged it for a little bit, but when the arguments became too much with my husband and jeopardized our marriage, I stopped the communication. It hurt me – to cut someone out of my life so completely. I rebel against that from time to time still, and in this rebellion I can my friend and I still being just friends. I view my husband’s decree as just that – tyrannical. And while I understand his frustrations and his feelings of lack of respect throughout the whole affair, I feel that he is being unfair.
My husband’s girlfriend is still our friend (I met her when they started dating, but I genuinely like her). She has even traveled to where we’re currently living and stayed and visited.
When I point out how unfair that is – though I do not wish to exclude her from anything, just wish we didn’t exclude my friend, my husband points to several things: that I do not feel jealousy the way my husband does, and that his girlfriend respected every single thing we asked of her. I didn’t ask of her anything – that wasn’t my relationship to meddle in (a point my husband ignores).
Why do I give in to his dictates? Because my marriage is on the line, and I want to grow old with this man beside me.
But I am resentful still. And I miss my friend, I miss going away and leaving adult responsibilities behind when I visit him, I miss being spoiled and being taken care of, I miss our conversations and connection, I want him back – if only as a friend. When we occasionally will talk, I feel guilty about how he was treated, I feel horrible about stopping communication again.
If we ever exploring opening up our marriage, I don’t want to pursue polyamory – I would never put another person through that in case it failed again; it isn’t fair to the other person.