Some people are not going to agree to this, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t be with you. I believe that sex is mandatory, that my sexual expectation is that I’m going to have intimacy with consistency, so much so that I demanded it (before agreeing to marriage) twice a day, every day, except once a week he calls a day if he wants it (because we all have bad days).
A bit extreme? Perhaps. But I know my sex drive, I know that it is high, and I’ve apologized and worked around it far too much in my life. I know what keeps me happy, what keeps me connected to my partner. Twice a day is already a compromise most days.
And it isn’t as extreme as I first demanded. Most days, it’s just once a day. But let me tell you what that once a day has meant: it meant surviving the worst three years of both of our lives, when he was falling asleep at the wheel constantly due to lack of sleep and never home but for a hours. (Sadly, this is not an exaggeration, he worked 18 hour days for six days a week, and occasionally had off Sunday – where he was a grumpy zombie we all avoided. We both would have rather him been deployed.) Those hours were all we could connect in, and because I made a demand in our relationship, he would wake me at whatever odd hours he came in at, and while it was certainly a quickie so he could get precious sleep, it was still a time where he woke me up, where we had a brief conversation, where we connected. The other people that did that horrific job? The majority of them lived apart or divorced. We stayed connected, and he certainly wouldn’t have woke me to talk – he woke me because he knew I needed that intimacy with him to stay connected in our relationship. And so we did have brief moments where we connected/had sex/talked briefly/expressed our love to each other.
Even now that the job is done (thank goodness), we are certainly at once a day most days. It’s not because my sex drive is any lower, it’s because I love this man and trust that he loves me without a constant intimate connection, and because I will compromise all I can to stay happy with him.
It’s that compromise, commitment, and love that has him meeting his quota (as he calls it), even if he isn’t always in the mood. I’ve heard it described as “maintenance sex” before, and I think that’s a beautiful term. It helps us maintain a level of intimacy, it reaffirms our relationship. We aren’t just parents, friends, or roommates – we are lovers. I don’t always want to talk, but if we need to, we do. It’s the same concept. It’s a hug – you wouldn’t tell your lover no to a hug, would you? It’s a give and take, and it’s important for the maintenance of our marriage – by tending to the special lovers aspect with consistency.
I don’t guilt or force him to have sex, I just let my drive set the pace, and was upfront about my expectation. Hell, most of the time I don’t initiate anymore (a point he’s complained about, so I’ll get over my feelings of pushing for sex). He doesn’t have to even give me amazing sex, we just have to connect on an intimate level for the sake of enjoying each other’s bodies and giving pleasure. Does it often turn into amazing sex? Hell yes it does! And that’s another point: it’s not long before both of us are normally in the mood once we start, and by giving into our exhaustion, foul moods, arguments, stress or anything else that prevents us from feeling “in the mood” we would miss out on a lot of opportunities for great sex or even just intimacy.
I am aware that I place a lot of value on sexual intimacy with him, and so is he, which is why we both came to the terms before we agreed to marry each other. I realize that many people would in theory desire this much sex, but in reality life happens and the demand for sex does take it toll.
I’ve written about this quota on Reddit, on comments to other people’s blogs, and on TMI Tuesdays memes.
And very early on I even blogged about it – Key to Happiness. I just don’t think I’ve put it out there to quite the same extreme.