Mar 092016

“(name) pissed me off today,” my husband began our conversation.

When I asked why, he told me someone complained to him after discovering my blog and didn’t like it, stating that I was “airing our dirty laundry” and “representing him (my husband) in a negative light”. They also stated that the things written about should “only be discussed with a therapist”.

First off, I would hate to think that he is being viewed negatively, especially because I write about him from my perspective only, which is biased and not how he actually is. But unless otherwise noted, every piece of writing on this blog throughout the years is about him. And my sex life is pretty fan-fucking-tastic. Not to mention that I can express desires and explore without fear of judgment from him. Oh – and then I get to write about it freely without fear of censorship.

Not to mention that I write about how well we communicate and how secure I am in his love.

Yep, he’s the absolute worst (NOT). I’m ridiculously lucky I have him, he’s a lucky fellow to have me as well. Truly, my marriage kicks ass.

And yes, I write about our conflicts. Why? I’ve stated it before and I will again – no one really does and people really should. It would help others not feel so alone, it shows what respectful compromising conversations sound like. It shows issues being resolved or how to let go and accept that they won’t. And unhealthy communication happens here too – we’re only human, and that’s okay.

Right now we’re really exploring new, outside of our comfort zone territories. Guess what? There’s going to be a lot more negotiations and conflicts, learning and adventures, discussions and compromises.

The person mentioned these things shouldn’t be public, that a side of him is being shown that isn’t fair.

“I cause half those issues,” he countered matter-of-factly.

“I don’t see that side of you.”

Nope, I would think that they wouldn’t. No one really sees this side of us. This is the stuff that isn’t discussed with others, but it still should be shared if we’re both comfortable. Why? Because when I began exploring, I felt so alone in having a difficult time. Why wasn’t this easy? Was I doing something wrong? Why did every one else seem to magically be okay with everything?

There are very few things that are easy, just like there are few relationships with no issues. He isn’t bad for having emotions and expressing concerns. I am not bad for wanting to push comfort zones or having desires – as long as it’s honest and mutually consented.

We aren’t failing because we have conflicts; we’re succeeding because we work through them.


What were some other things that she said (and there was a recording because he didn’t think I’d believe how long she went on about) (also, not correcting grammar):

“You’re a good guy, you deserve better than that.”

“She’s a lovely person I’m sure, but the behaviors she’s putting out there, as a woman I find that it’s no good for women to speak this way about this”

“I don’t find this like literature, I find this like a journal, like it’s very about her”

“when you’re in a relationship it’s supposed to be about the other person too, it’s you, her, and the relationship.”

“Go find you a piece somewhere, go find somebody who will treat you bit differently for a bit”

“You’re a young man, and I’m disappointed in her, I thought she would be more mature. When is she mature? When she sleeps?”

“Not my shit but then I read about, and I think holy shit, I thought my relationship was bad, look at that one. I thought I was a bitch.”

“Most of the time it (the blog? relationship?) looks like an unsatisfied car crash”

“What I hear from her, it’s an unsatisfied person who is giving excuses to push boundaries from someone who is monogamous.”

**In looking at this unedited post three months later, I find parts sad or ironic. He did go out there and find some other person who is very different than I am. And he was the one who actually couldn’t commit to monogamy with me when I begged for it, but immediately did (or is lying about doing it) with some other woman.

I really can look at this blog, however, and think that I saw a beautifully wonderful open and loving marriage between two people. Yes, we crashed, burned, and died – but the journey was something spectacular. I sincerely hope that it is not just my gaze that this is seen by, but that others can also see the happiness amidst the shaky exploration. 

February helped me eliminate a lot of drafts, and soon I’ll be getting more current into the issues that caused us to fail. Who knows…maybe people talking negatively about me to him while we were geographically separated was the beginning of this journey towards the end…maybe it happened it years ago like he claimed during our worst argument – though I doubt that we ended years ago and still had such a wonderful couple of years afterwards. 

Who knows? I sure as hell still don’t, and that’s what bothers me the most…

Wicked Wednesday

 Posted by at 8:33 am

  16 Responses to “Rant on Criticism”

  1. I very rarely felt you painted him in a negative light. In fact, sometimes I thought you were more generous to him than some of his actions really merited. One thing that struck me as a danger sign when I first read it was when he would need to always criticize and pick a fight with you after you’d seen another partner. It seemed like you were so accepting of this behavior? Was that your real feeling or trying to put a good face on an extremely bad behavior?

    • I don’t know. Some things bothered me, but I try to put a good face on others because I’m biased towards myself. Does that make sense?

  2. I personally enjoy your blog. You tell it like it is. For years me and my wife had an “open relationship”, which we kept between ourselves. I haven’t been on your blog for that long but I do find it extremely interesting. I do assume that you go outside of your relationship and see other men. The fact that you open that up here is enlightening. Of course at times there will be disagreements over either partner doing or seeing others. I know in my case that my wife, had quite a bit more opportunities to have some xtra fun than I did. Hell she is better looking than me and can pick and choose whom she wants to be with. Myself although not the ‘elephant man lol’ doesn’t quite get as many opportunities.

    We worked it out between ourselves and if she didn’t suffer an illness which basically destroyed her sex drive due to medications she has to take the rest of her life. Now she has not stopped me from meeting with others at all. She understands I have needs.

    So for someone to say you demean your hubby is totally ridicoulous if it works for you and him that is all that matters and I think your pretty damn cool in talking about the things you want. I find you very interesting and exciting and enjoy your open mindedness and your honesty….

  3. I have never found that you portrayed him negatively, but only that you told things the way they were. You wrote about things going wrong, about things you did wrong and things he did wrong and how you worked through the issues. You told the honest story and there’s nothing wrong with that. You helped others out there because you openly wrote about it.

    That the woman didn’t like it… well, her problem.

    But, I can see how you wonder whether conversations like these might have been the start of the end, that people put something in his head that wasn’t there before, because from reading what I did, I thought he was happy to explore too, within the boundaries that you have set for yourself.

    And… I think it’s a helluva brave thing you’re doing here, to tell the entire story of how it all came to an end. You’re a strong and beautiful woman!

    Rebel xox

  4. I think reading this now after all that has happened must be tough as it is easy to see it now in a very different light. For the record I think you were open and honest here about both the highs and the lows and I admire that a great deal.


  5. I’ve seen 4 military relationships implode due to geo bachelors. Mine is hanging on by a thread. Gives me anxiety just reading this. I’m praying for healing for you. Yep I’m a kinky Christian 😉

  6. It’s always a dicey prospect to have someone you know reading your blog.

  7. I’m not sure I’ve read enough of your archive material to say whether you portrayed him negatively, but I am fully in agreement that it’s important to write about the shakier, more difficult stuff as well. And the following really resonated with me:

    ‘Yes, we crashed, burned, and died – but the journey was something spectacular. I sincerely hope that it is not just my gaze that this is seen by, but that others can also see the happiness amidst the shaky exploration. ‘

    Charlie xx

  8. Re: “…no one really does and people really should…” YES!!!! THIS!!! I agree.

    Well said.

    ~ shadowfire ~

  9. You know, our lives seem to run so parallel. This whole exploratory marriage thing…the finding some sort of common ground we both can stand on…the loving…the wondering where the hell it’s all going to go. I agree that this stuff needs to be talked about…and written about…and read…and shared. The more we share and listen to each other, the more we realize we are not alone and that there is surely more than one way to love and be loved. I’m still on the road. I’ve been derailed and broken down. But, for now, my marriage seems to be headed back onto the twisty, turvy, scenic byway. I have no idea where we are headed. For once, I’m finding that to be okay…even comforting. And how we learn to navigate these unknown waters is by learning from each other’s adventures, and mistakes, and introspections. I used to fear being found out (and I guess I still do, given my small town and rather modest career choice)…but honestly, no matter what anyone says – every voice and every story is useful and necessary. I, for one, have greatly enjoyed your story. And I’ll continue to enjoy it as it changes and grows into a new narrative. My heart goes out to you, though. I’ve just barely escaped divorce by the skin of my teeth. I was in purgatory when I thought my marriage was ending. But honestly…we’re never completely safe from it. It’s always good to remember that. And to know, we can survive, even if it ends. We are strong, because we share our stories. xoxo…Brigit

  10. I am not a regular reader of your blog, and only today came across it as a link from another site…and I’ve just now read a smattering of your posts after the original linked post caught my eye…but I will be open and share my unfiltered reaction, since you have both invited and demanded participatory feedback from your audience: before I even got to the recent posts from this year, I could see the threads of what seems to have eventually happened to your relationship in your earlier posts.

    A completely uninvolved reader can literally timeline chart specific points in your posts where the personality differences and relationship attachement style differences between yourself and your husband are obviously indicated…and how they differ in some extremely important ways, followed closely by how communication faltered when boundaries that should have remained inflexible were casually tested and crossed…are you able to look back and see it now, especially since you seem to be in the process of reconciliation?

    No guilt, no slut-shaming, no dominant culture shitshow “this is how it needs to be for everyone” when it comes to sexuality and relationships, no judgement, no recriminations, nothing other than two people negotiating the life they BOTH equally need and want to share — can you look back and see where you didn’t listen to him when he was talking to you? Or where you glossed over discomfort, anxiety, and stress? It seems like his behavior/values/attitude are all being catalogued and scrutinized very closely (especially in the comments sections), so my question is — what do you feel about yours? When you read posts like these, what do you see now in hindsight?

    And the one that absolutely had me wincing and feeling gut-punched for two complete strangers…

    Exploration of trust and breaking boundaries is heady and euphoric, so it’s completely understandable how wrapped up you became in it, but in order not to repeat the same mistakes you have to really seriously unpack all that. Every miserable, wonderful, painful, ecstatic bit. I hope you are doing so with 100% honesty and no “this is what I need so you need to get on board” style selfishness with one another, because I’m rooting for you both and the only way for you to salvage things is to both be free to express yourselves fully…and it’s obvious that’s something your husband really struggles with while you clearly don’t in the same way. I am making a point of reaching out to share this with you because your honesty, bravery, and clear love for your husband touched me. I hope you can make it work.

    (Also: have you ever delved into personality styles and relationship attachement theory? If not, they would both be fields worth your time and concentrated attention.)

    Good luck. You both deserve it.

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