Jan 262017


I agree with those that feel that a safe word is not needed, that no and stop should be exactly that.

I also agree with those that feel that a safe word is needed, that they don’t want their no and stop to always mean that.

I also realized that I need to be clear where I stand. I used to be the second option – I wanted the struggle, my instinct when something hurts is to say no and stop, but I can continue and I want my partner to push me.

I learned a very hard lesson in the complications of this negotiated use of safe words when I felt like I was forced anally, but he expected me to use my safe word.

“First and foremost, while my safeword did not occur to me, I did have one. My ex truly expected me to use it… I believe that he expected me to safeword if I felt that strongly about “no” after talking to him months later. And I truly did not even think about using a safeword, felt like my “no” and “stop” were enough; after all – just the day prior we discussed needing the safeword before a scene. I didn’t use a safeword with him just having sex with him – never felt that was needed.

Perhaps this is a horrible complication with using safewords, when stop and no don’t always mean stop and no.” – Consent with Anal

My ex and I did discuss safe words before every scene that we felt it was needed – and only the scenes that included impact (or our one time doing consensual non consent). Even in rope I didn’t use a safe word but gave a time that I needed out (even if it was immediately). So I understand why I did not think to safe word, we were just having sex, after all. I also understand why he felt that I would safe word – I do have and use my safe word and he trusted me in that.

So now I’m on the fence with safe words. I still use them, and I’ve been trying to get Mr. Texas to use them. I really like the “yellow” for change up or no further, and the “red” for can’t take anymore. I also, especially when I top him, realize that I am dealing with a man not used to coloring at all, so I listen to his body language,  his words, his noises, and his actions and proceed cautiously, stopping far before he colors. If I force him to color, I warn him ahead of time that is my intent and do only one action (like bite down) until he remembers to use it.

Again, though, I don’t believe that I should only stop when he uses his safe word. If I am playing to the edge it is with someone I trust and who trusts me, someone that I have played with many times before, someone that will know my tells and listen to my body language the same way that I do theirs.

My ex husband should have known mine, should have listened. But we are equally to blame for that scenario.

I still want my no and stop to not mean no and stop when I feel like struggling or fighting back, it is so hot to me that I will be held down or my cries will be ignored. It is also reassuring to me that my safe word will be respected, that I have a safe word.

But I need to start being more consistent with using my safe word, even if I am just having sex, because just having sex is very easily turned into something else once we’re naked and having fun. I need to not view sex as an activity isolated from BDSM, because it is not, and it rarely ever is just sex with me.

I can easily view how I am inconsistent: The Wanderer would never have to worry about me not coloring and using my safe word – we have a clear boundary of no intercourse and a partnership that’s foundation is BDSM. Neither would anyone that I played with in a dungeon or other kink event. Mr. Texas, however, may have to worry if he pushed for something I didn’t want to do – and that’s incredibly unfair to him; but I view us as having a sexual relationship first, exploring each other in BDSM second – and BDSM being new to him especially he needs to read other cues and listen to words (to an extent – he already has figured out my no rarely means no but I like the protest).

I am confusing as hell about using my own safe word and that isn’t fair to my sexual partner. I have learned that I cannot rely, either, on my partner and I consistently using a safe word only in certain scenes (like impact or consensual non consent).

It is up to me to clearly define and use my safe word to my partners, and to be consistent.

  6 Responses to “Safeword Complication”

  1. Well said. 95% of any scene I am in is more based on cues and observations of my partner than actual relying on safewords. I know in particular if I push Alice into total subspace, she won’t know how far is too far.
    Of course we are also very physical at times and enjoy the consensual/non-consensual scene as well. So safewords become nessary

  2. Communication is definitely the key and like so many things I think defining how something works for you is vital. There are no rulebooks for Safewords but the ones that you define and agree upon with a partner but I think knowing what those are and both understanding them is important


  3. Excellent piece. I always assume that No and Stop are honorary safe words, no matter what the actual safe word might be.

    If someone wanted me to continue after she’d said “no” or “stop”, she’d have to negotiate that pretty closely with me. And I’d only really agree if I felt that I knew her and her voice tones and body language well enough to be able to tell hot sexy consensual non-consent turned-on-ness from actual distress.

    So that’d only happen in a long-term relationship, really.

  4. It’s a very fine line. We have a safeword, he has pushed me purposely to use it. However it is rare I’d ever get that far. He knows if I said no or stop there is something wrong and he would definitely hold back to check in with me. Since our little mishap we communicate all the way through a scene now.

  5. I don’t think it’s safeword confusion…I think it’s situational safewording, and that makes sense, especially since you’re navigating so many dynamics. We use the color system, and JB knows sometimes I won’t think to use “red” or that I’ll try to take more than I should, so HE checks in with me, forcing me to give him a color. Even though he knows me well enough to see most body language cues, he doesn’t wait for me, especially if the play is rougher than normal. That might be an option for you, too, especially when you’re topping. 🙂

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