Apr 222016

S is for Sorry, for my A to Z Challenge.

My aunt taught me that when I wanted to respect how the other person was feeling, regardless of if I understood, I was say: “I’m sorry you feel this way.”

My husband hates this statement. He will be the first to tell you he is powered by emotions, and they are swift and intense for him. I tend to be the calmer, more even tempo during our heated talks (though not in our relationship overall).

So when he yelled and ranted on all the reasons why he disliked me, why he couldn’t be with me, why he didn’t want us to work out anymore, I just got to a point where nothing I said was good enough with his mind made up, and despite how horribly it was killing me in heartbreak, I respected his emotions and his feelings in the moment (and years, months, days that led up to his declaring he wanted to quit our life together).

I didn’t understand them, I didn’t share them, everything in me wanted to tell him how stupid he was being, how emotionally caught up in something that would pass, how he was throwing away the best thing, how he was demeaning and rewriting something that was so beautifully shared, how we would get beyond this, grow from it, learn from it, become stronger.

And I did share those things too, I defended and debated our love and marriage…to no avail.

“My mind is made up,” he repeatedly told me, and when midnight peaked and a new day threatened, I accepted those words and that decision, though there was nothing easy about it.

“I’m sorry you feel this way,” I muttered, head down in defeat and face stained from hours of tears; he hissed how much he hated to hear that.

But I am…so damn sorry.

I’m sorry…
I wasn’t the person he deserved
That I wasn’t the same person he married
That I’m not the woman he wants me to be
That I’m not the woman I want to be
That I’m complicated
That I’m scared
That I couldn’t make it easier
That I couldn’t be more accepting
That I needed more than what he could give me
That I pushed for things I wanted
That I was selfish
That I needed patience
That I am so far from perfect
That I am flawed
That I am damaged goods
That I asked for what I want
That I demanded what I need
That I am guarded
That I make mistakes
That I am defensive
That loving me wasn’t easy
That we had so many ups and downs
That to make myself vulnerable is terrifying
That I was vulnerable to him
That I am hurting
and breaking
and feel lost
and confused
and don’t know what to do
or how to fix this.
That he won’t give us another chance
That despite my honesty, he doesn’t trust
That he won’t have hope in me, in us.

I’m sorry he feels the way he does. I’m sorry I do not share his viewpoint or decision. I’m sorry I feel this way.

 Posted by at 8:55 am

  4 Responses to “Sorry You Feel That Way”

  1. :'(

  2. Huh. It’s interesting (and important to get another perspective on this statement; I’ve always hated it too, because it’s been said to me by someone who did and said really hurtful things to me. To me this says, “I’m sorry you feel how you feel, but I’m not sorry I did the things I did.” It’s a non-apology couched in apologetic language, which has always felt disingenuous to me.

  3. Oh sweetie. I wish I could give you a great big hug right now!

    Rebel xox

  4. You brave wonderful woman. Hugs

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