It’s very hard to reflect and expose my own faults in writing, and I guess I do a pretty good job as Texas read the blog and comments on all the mistakes I made in my marriage. He is concerned, of course, because he sees me taking a hard stance on polyamory and he read about how I pushed that agenda in my marriage.
He thinks I will let go of another relationship in my quest for something that I don’t even time for, nor am even sure it it would be better.
Perhaps he is right, but I also am learning from my past mistakes and I do not wish to pursue a monogamous relationship and hurt another with a commitment I struggle to keep.
It’s very hard to reflect and expose my own faults in writing, especially revealing the decisions that I make that are often looked down upon, yet I do because I am human and I want to share the very human moments of my life. It opens me up to judgment on a very public forum, it allows those that know me intimately to see my flawed past and inner thoughts.
For example, I fully embrace my sluttiness – I find nothing wrong in pursuing physical relationships to those that I have a connection with. Sometimes, however, I use sex for the wrong reasons – to feel a connection to someone where it doesn’t exist, like I did after my marriage ended during Slutfest. During a vulnerable time in my life, I shared with whomever read me the unconventional actions that I pursued. It caused my ex husband to dislike me further and use it against me whenever we spoke, his girlfriend to use it to her advantage (not to mention that she had a public forum for her own commenting on a later post), for my new relationships to judge me.
Of course, I also learned from that, and while I used sex to feel close to someone during another weak moment in my life, it was a friend after the death of my sister, so it was a decision that brought me comfort when I needed it. Sure, I also engaged in very public sex whereas I normally wouldn’t, so there are moments where I still make decisions that are unlike me though I don’t see anything wrong with that either.
And that brings me to here: the main reason why it’s very hard to reflect and expose my own faults in writing, because I reveal my pain and expose my vulnerabilities. I can’t quite define why I feel the urge to write about the darker times alongside the glorious ones. Why did I write up and then share the very painful moments of my divorce, of being so casually cast aside for another, of being pathetic and desperate to hold onto him?
Why, now, do I write about losing my baby sister, the one who began this site with me? Why do I share that hurt so publicly, the decisions and the heartache exposing me even more?
It’s not for views – those plummet the minute life overwhelms me as it has this year and I stop working behind the scenes on things. It’s not for popularity – as these vulnerable moments of sadness don’t get the views, nor do I have the heart to truly promote them. It’s not sexy. And I’m still only sharing the sexual/relationship issues, so I’m not being diverse in who I am here.
I am just a person stumbling through a rough year. I’ve moved across country, said goodbye to all my friends, been discarded as a wife, had two new jobs, been a slut, a grieving sister, and a woman truly struggling to find relationships and connections that work for me throughout it all.