Nov 182015

It’s so challenging to write about an experience someone else has experienced as well; yes, I know they understand it’s from my perspective, but they may not be clear how the experience was felt by me. To put it out there in writing is a raw and unguarded feeling.

Last night, for example…

After our scene:

Me: “Don’t take this the wrong way, or offense, but that was hot.”

Mimir smiled. “You can take the experience any way you want. I’m okay with that.”

This morning, by text:

Me: Hey, do you want to read anything I’ve written or should I stop bothering with trifles such as writings?

Him: Yeah, I enjoyed reading your posts. I like knowing when new stuff is up

Me: Okay,  great…Can I run the idea by you on Fet?

Him: Sure!

Ten minutes later, on Fetlife…

Title: Influx of too much writing

(Background information of why I should name him now as a character, and a brief synopsis of the name I’ve chosen and why.)

(Apology of a rough draft unedited…a paragraph I am particularly nervous about sharing where I compare him to a lover complete with words like tasting, swallowing, inside of me, deeply penetrating.)

“Anyhow, still a bit nervous anytime I share, add to the exhaustion that very little sleep provides to a morning person up late, so any thoughts and/or feedback is not only appreciated but almost needed in my current frame of mind.”

4 hours later….

Him: … “another great blog post. You don’t have anything to be nervous about”

*End of message*

Let me tell you what those four hours meant to me: nerve wracking seconds ticking by for four hours.

I own that my emotions are mine,  and that we started texting far too early in the morning and he probably fell asleep. But I was anxious and nervous. That’s the problem with sharing your innermost thoughts and perspectives in writing.

In writing versus face to face:

Face to face I can read facial expressions/body language/voice intonations to gauge if it’s safe to forge ahead or withdraw the words. I can use facial expressions to decide if something needs to be explained  or clarified further.

In writing, it’s all out there in the open, solely my thoughts/feelings/perspectives for the other person to take them as they will.

It’s especially vulnerable to share it with someone who was there – who created that reaction in that scene, who may not have had the same experience nor appreciate such a perspective, may be shocked/surprised at my take on it.

Obviously I trust and feel comfortable with this man who is binding me. I understand that my head space at the time was clouded by exhaustion, a bit of sub drop, wanting his input/approval/understanding of what felt like a very exposed moment in sharing.

I am grateful he did respond, took the time to read and reassure me that everything was okay.

It’s just scary putting myself out there sometimes, laying it all out without a filter from the other person.

Maybe one day I’ll play with a writer and read their own perspective of a scene and we can both be stripped naked with our words together. The reassurance would be them shedding just as much light on how they viewed it. (Of course, I can already see the downside of reading a perspective so foreign to my own.)

 Posted by at 5:30 am

  3 Responses to “Writing an Experience”

  1. I often write my blogs mainly for my Master. When it is an especially intense one, I know that feeling well. What will he think? Will something I say displease him?

    It is reassuring that he’s almost always happy with them. Sometimes he’ll go and fix the name of his sword that I got wrong (actual sword, not penis!) or ask me to fix or clarify or add some other little detail.

  2. I have written about playing with others too and was always nervous about their reactions, which thankfully were always good. Face to face is much different, like you said.

    Rebel xox

  3. My Master loves to read my blog posts, but all in his own time. Plus, later he often tells me that while the content in its entirety is correct, I get things mixed up and the wrong way round – due to being in my ‘slave space’. I always worry about whether he will be ok, even though I know I can write what I want since it is my perspective on things.

    Face to face is as you say when you get to see the non verbals (and even hear the verbals), but sometimes writing is good since it gives distance.

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