It’s so challenging to write about an experience someone else has experienced as well; yes, I know they understand it’s from my perspective, but they may not be clear how the experience was felt by me. To put it out there in writing is a raw and unguarded feeling.
Last night, for example…
After our scene:
Me: “Don’t take this the wrong way, or offense, but that was hot.”
Mimir smiled. “You can take the experience any way you want. I’m okay with that.”
This morning, by text:
Me: Hey, do you want to read anything I’ve written or should I stop bothering with trifles such as writings?
Him: Yeah, I enjoyed reading your posts. I like knowing when new stuff is up
Me: Okay, great…Can I run the idea by you on Fet?
Ten minutes later, on Fetlife…
Title: Influx of too much writing
(Background information of why I should name him now as a character, and a brief synopsis of the name I’ve chosen and why.)
(Apology of a rough draft unedited…a paragraph I am particularly nervous about sharing where I compare him to a lover complete with words like tasting, swallowing, inside of me, deeply penetrating.)
“Anyhow, still a bit nervous anytime I share, add to the exhaustion that very little sleep provides to a morning person up late, so any thoughts and/or feedback is not only appreciated but almost needed in my current frame of mind.”
4 hours later….
Him: … “another great blog post. You don’t have anything to be nervous about”
*End of message*
Let me tell you what those four hours meant to me: nerve wracking seconds ticking by for four hours.
I own that my emotions are mine, and that we started texting far too early in the morning and he probably fell asleep. But I was anxious and nervous. That’s the problem with sharing your innermost thoughts and perspectives in writing.
In writing versus face to face:
Face to face I can read facial expressions/body language/voice intonations to gauge if it’s safe to forge ahead or withdraw the words. I can use facial expressions to decide if something needs to be explained or clarified further.
In writing, it’s all out there in the open, solely my thoughts/feelings/perspectives for the other person to take them as they will.
It’s especially vulnerable to share it with someone who was there – who created that reaction in that scene, who may not have had the same experience nor appreciate such a perspective, may be shocked/surprised at my take on it.
Obviously I trust and feel comfortable with this man who is binding me. I understand that my head space at the time was clouded by exhaustion, a bit of sub drop, wanting his input/approval/understanding of what felt like a very exposed moment in sharing.
I am grateful he did respond, took the time to read and reassure me that everything was okay.
It’s just scary putting myself out there sometimes, laying it all out without a filter from the other person.
Maybe one day I’ll play with a writer and read their own perspective of a scene and we can both be stripped naked with our words together. The reassurance would be them shedding just as much light on how they viewed it. (Of course, I can already see the downside of reading a perspective so foreign to my own.)