Dec 102014
 

A friend of ours has one of the best fail sex stories I’ve read to date, so with her gracious permission, I am posting it here.

Most of the time, most of the sex blogs you read are hot, steamy, and everything goes perfectly. Rainbows fly out of genitals as confetti rains down from the ceiling with each orgasm…

My sex life is nowhere near that.

My body likes to do its own thing, and I’ve always struggled with Ph issues. Sometimes, my period will throw me off and so, as a preventative measure, I’ll use Monostat to stop that storm before it even brews. This month was just like many others, and I had a steady partner, so I did the usual routine at the end of my period and used one of the one day ovuls from an off brand because I had a coupon. Usually about two days later, everything is over, and I’m good to go.

I didn’t think anything about it, and a little over four days later I decided to wake my guy up with a good morning blowjob. I had on an oversized shirt and knee socks and was pretty excited about the hot sex I was about to have. I gave him a very enthusiastic oral performance, rolled over, tossed my panties, and told him to come over. I am a sex kitten! This was going to be epic!

He slid in and I sighed in wholehearted approval. The sex was just as steamy as I expected and I loved the sleepy look in his eyes while he was still giving powerful thrusts despite just waking up. My knee socks looked really good resting against his shoulders, and things were getting even hotter. He pulled out, flipped me over, and just sat there for a second…

I wagged my ass in anticipation and invitation…

Then he pushed me forward a little, and moved my legs apart a bit…

Then he mummbled “…what?”

A little louder “What is this?

I looked over my shoulder, confused. My eyes grew wide and I flipped fully back over. “Oh my God. Oh my God“. My mind went into full meltdown as I saw him covered in what only takes me a moment to identify as the insert I’d used four days ago. I tried to think for a half second of anything plausible other than the truth. There was nothing. I jumped up, cheeks blazing, and started pushing him towards the bathroom. “It’s ummm, feminine hiygene stuff, nothing big, didn’t expect it to still be there. Just wash it off, I promise nothing is going to happen to you!” Cue nervous laughter. It’s at this point that I couldn’t make up my mind if I should burst into tears, or pray the floor opened up and ate me.

This has got to be, hands down, one of the top three most mortifying things that has happened to me during sex. What is worse is there was so much of it! I might as well have whitewashed the man. I didn’t know something that small could produce that much stuff! And four days? FOUR DAYS. It’s like my vagina had suddenly turned into one of those doomsday prepers and was holding onto it in case the yeast apocalypse decided to roll through. I stood in the bathroom door and nervously explained the whole Ph thing and what it was. He nodded, and continued to clean up.

I walked into the other room while he was still cleaning up and could do nothing but sit there in mortified silence. He peeked his head around the corner and asked what I was doing. As he saw the look on my face he just laughed and came over and kissed me. It was no big deal. We were adults, things happen. He found it more funny than anything. He definitely took the situation with more grace than I did, and his laughter followed me around as, every time I looked at him, I couldn’t stop the blush from staining my cheeks.

Post script: As my day continued, just when I thought I was able to put it out of my mind, he turned to me and asked “By the way… is it supposed to tingle like this?”….

  19 Responses to “Stat!”

  1. Oh God. I feel for you. I’ve never had this issue but I’ve had my fair share of my own embarrassing sex fails.

    Katie xx

  2. I feel bad, laughing… but I promise, it is not at your expense! You just wrote the experience so cleverly well. lol. The joys of being a woman sometimes, huh?!

  3. OMG that is funny and terrible. I am glad he took it all in stride…it can be even more mortifying when they don’t. I literally sh*t during a threesome (I posted about it) and they were both very cool. I, on the other hand, was dying.

    So I feel your pain!

  4. Lololol thank you for sharing. God, I love sex accident stories way more than I should. Probably because it’s so easy for things to go wrong, and it’s a relief that others go through this stuff, too. Like farting during sex – that happens to everyone, right?

  5. funniest thing I’ve read in a long while…and yeah…real life happens and sometimes it’s embarrassing and slimy and covered in white goop…and it tingles…

    (oh hahahaha…just got myself going again there…)

    thanks for entertaining me…you know, we’ve all been in some sort of same embarrassments–it’s real life and it just isn’t gonna be perfect all the time. But it’s perfectly funny…later. (ah, the stuff of memories…)

    nilla

  6. You poor thing. Luckily sex is funny, because otherwise it would be awful. Hope you are laughing about this now.

  7. OMG I can totally imagine how you felt. And still, it made me smile to read this. I love to read about REAL things like this. Not all has to be rainbows and roses, right?

    And… was it suppose to tingle like that, or was he just teasing you?

    Rebel xox

  8. I felt terrible laughing, but the way you wrote this was just so *completely* relatable, and that final line was perfect. Speaking as someone who once survived something similar, this was a wonderful post!

  9. Thank you!! Glad I’m not the only one who has experiences like this! Kudos to your partner for being so sweet about the whole thing.

    Love you honesty, great post!

  10. Wow. Glad that he was good about it, but what a bummer for you.

  11. sorry but I am slumped over in hysterical laughter. It happens you know, and life will go on.

    Oh and yes that stuff makes for a strange tingle on us guys

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  18. “It was no big deal. We were adults, things happen.” Word.

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