“It’s hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That’s part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can’t refuse anything and can’t even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel.” – Cherise Sinclair, Dark Citadel.
I am always in charge.
In my job, I lead over one hundred people. I am short, and yet have to stand tall and act big.
In my home, I am in charge of family. Kids with needing clear defined boundaries, a husband who is incapable of domestic decisions, and even caring for himself. The military takes most of our moments, husband is sucked dry of action or decision in the leftover moments at home. Every decision is mine, whether or not I want it. Every member needs my care and attention; it is my sole responsibility.
There is no escaping rampant thoughts, relinquishing control; I only find escape and release during sex. It has always been the only time my mind is quiet and still, and yet still I find that I have to initiate; but I initiate often due to the escapism – it is my compelling drug.
Perhaps that is why I enjoy reading so many blogs, many people discuss submitting, releasing, trusting another. I can experience in the moment my eyes travel the words. I can find and discover new ways to approach my lover with my own needs and wants after hearing others articulate so well.
Because I do need…
I desire to turn off my thoughts,
to deny myself of decisions,
to resist refusing or regulating.
I want to just feel,
to not plan or parley;
abide, absolve, accede, appease,
relent, relinquish, resign, release.
Mine by Alvaro de la Herran, discovered by reading Violet Blue
I want to be this woman. People talk about subspace, and I can correlate it the escapism I go through during orgasm, but I want to know, fully, what it is.